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Wife wants a divorce and I really don’t


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YankeesFan15

Hello all, First let me start by saying I’m sorry for such a long story I’m just trying to paint the picture here. I’ve never done this before but I don’t know where else to turn. I’ve tried talking to friends and family but I keep getting the line “ I’m sorry and you know I’m here for you if you need anything”. What I need is my wife. We’ve been together for 12 years and married for 8. We weren’t the typical couple. We have 3 children together 10, 8 and my youngest will be 4 in a few weeks. We had my oldest obviously before we were married and at the very young age of 22. I have spent my entire adulthood with this wonderful women and we fight like any “normal” couple does, usually resolved by writing a card or a note. My wife suffers from mental illness and I know what she goes through isn’t her fault and I haven’t always been the best to help because I just never took the time to learn about mental health issues. I was ignorant to the fact that people do indeed suffer more than I can imagine inside their own heads. She’s fighting other medical issues on top of working full time and raising our 3 beautiful children. I can’t stress enough how much I appreciate what she does. Having said all that I work for a big company as a supervisor and I work on average 14 hours a day and that’s a good day. I’m not much of a help during the week and on weekends I like to relax to an extent. I know things need to get done but I like to do them at my pace, I work so hard all week it’s nice to catch a breath before starting all over again.  My hours change frequently I’ll be on days and work from 6am and I don’t leave my job which is an hour away From my home until 9pm and when I’m on nights I leave my house at 10:30pm and don’t get home until about 1pm the following day. Needless to say I don’t get much sleep but I’m not trying to make excuses I know I can do more it’s just so damn hard. My wife has been seeing a therapist for a while now, it started because she had very bad ptsd after our youngest was born very premature and only 2 pounds. Having to leave our baby in the Nicu was very hard on us but her especially with her past of depression. We would have our fights and her therapist suggested maybe I come sit in on the meetings a couple years ago and I declined saying I don’t need therapy, it was more of an inconvenience for me then anything because with my work schedule it would require me to be driving all over the place after I worked all these hours. I had surgery about 6 months ago and actually went to a session with her and it went well but she never invited me back. Turns out she wanted me to show the initiative and just make the appointments with her. I never did and our arguments started to get worse and no matter what I did my letters of appreciation and gestures went by and she would just get more and more distant from me. She would treat everyone else like gold and just talk so nasty to me and be so rude and hurtful. She says I make her a bad person because I don’t help her enough and when I say what do I need to do to help she tells me I’m an adult that I should just know what has to be done. She told me through text message she wants a divorce that she can’t do this anymore and that she’s given me enough chances to “ not just write that she’s appreciated but shown”. I’ve never been good at physically showing emotion especially around her because she is very hot tempered from a rough childhood. She didn’t grow up in the best of environment and she basically raised her 3 younger siblings herself, she told me she’s been taking care of everyone her entire life and she can’t take care of me anymore. I don’t know what to do. A man who has never been good at showing emotions like crying, i broke down begging her to please work this out, I don’t want my children to feel the pain I’m feeling right now. I don’t wish this pain on anyone, I don’t know what to do. Again I apologize for the long backstory but I’m just looking for some advice. 

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I have no advice. Just telling you I didn’t want my divorce either. Horrible, sad , tragic is all I can say. I feel your pain

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heartsick123

Advice, I don;t know.  The worst part of relationships or life or whatever is that we can't change the way other feel or behave.  More than anything I want to take away my husband's hurt so we can have back the love we truly deserve and long for.  But we can't.  I'm actually tearing up writing this, as I too have a broken heart and a divorce on its way after 20 years of marriage.  My thoughts are if she is willing to hold off the divorce, you and her can attend counselling together.  If you can show her love and compassion and be here safe place she may be able to see again what brought her to you and remind her what she fell in love with. 

I too feel your pain, my husband has some mental health issues and a terrible childhood.  Unfortunately that childhood hard wired his brain into believing things that has led to reasons of our own divorce.  My actions didn't help as when he wasn't there for me I stepped outside the marriage now it's too late for us.  I just know my begging and pleading didn't help it only dragged him further, as I believe he was feeling manipulated into forcing him to change. He needed to come to his own conclusion and sadly it is for us to part ways.  I do know and will remind him every chance I get I will always be his safe place and will support and help him whenever he needs as I worry about his mental health as even though he chose this he too is hurting.  

I am sorry your pain, if its like mine its the worst feeling ever.  

 

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Maria J. Pickett

I think you should talk to the doctor who is treating her so that he can at least explain her condition to you. Since it's difficult for a mentally healthy person to understand how another person feels.

Also, just try to be near her. Take a weekend and just be there. Perhaps spending time together will give you the opportunity to understand her pain. Fight for your relationship to the last.

However, if her decision to file for divorce is balanced and final, don't impede this. Perhaps you should file for divorce online California yourself and live separately.

This way you can stay at work all the time, come home and feel relaxed. And she will live her own life and make her own decisions. Divorce isn't the end, it's the beginning of a new life.

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YankeesFan15

The worst part is we have 3 children together, I will miss everything with my kids. Everything important and become a weekend dad. I cannot lose my kids by only seeing them 1-2 days a week. My life is over, the thought of her eventually finding another person and my kids being with him more than me. Or loving another man like father when I’m still here will kill me. I can’t do this. 

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I hear you

i feel you. I just like you am facing unthinkable uncertainty. And life literally was a dream for me at one time. I get daycares and nightmares seeing “other women” literally take his hand and walking him away from me and he just goes.everytime. He adored me. He loved me. I know he did. But now nothing. Just daily hell. I am not functioning. I have absolutely nothing ahead as he was my soul mate even though he does not believe it anymore I know it’s the truth. Then to have all your mistakes aired out like dirty laundry is wonderful too. I don’t know if that happened to you or not?

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Did she just come out one day and say she didn’t want to be married anymore? 
how are the kids taking it all?

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YankeesFan15

We would always have our fights... but we always made up. I knew from the beginning she was the one for me. She wanted to have kids early and I didn’t even second guess I knew she was it, my life my future. I know she loved me and I don’t know if she is just saying it to try and hurt me because she wants me to leave my own house which I won’t but saying things like I don’t love you anymore I haven’t loved you. She told me long ago if I don’t change this day would come but I don’t know what she wanted from me with the hours I worked and everything. I would do my best with everything I could. She was getting more and more distant than ever and being very nasty with everything I said or did so I sent her a text message saying hey what’s going on, what did I do that caused you to be acting like this to me and she went off saying how she can’t do it anymore she wants a divorce... I took everyone’s advice I gave her space and did everything I could to help and did everything. I offered to do things for her and she would still just give nasty remarks. Then yesterday I wrote this huge heart felt message to her because she won’t talk in person because she will lose her temper so she says she just can’t handle confrontation but I wrote this message about how sorry I am for hurting her, I’ll do anything you want me to do. I’ll schedule counseling I’ll do anything and she just says no... no I’ve made up my mind and I will not change. She will not grow up and be miserable like her mom. The worst part is if she goes through with this she is going to be miserable just like her mom because she’s alone. She already is her mom in that she needs drama to keep her going but then says that she hates drama and avoids it at all costs. I truly don’t know what to do. I can’t make her love me anymore and I can’t live without her 

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Yes. It is truly impossible to live without them. Emotionally, spiritually and for me Also physically and financially. The future is worse than bleak I’m afraid

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YankeesFan15

Larissa I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this as well. I truly don’t know what I’m going to do. I make a good living but I live in NY there is no way I’m going to be able to afford child support, giving her money and have money left over for myself. I feel that. I haven’t even really thought about all that yet I’m still in just complete shock at what has come of my life. 

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Yes.i completely understand. I go to bed in shock and I wake up in shock. I take naps during the day because I am so distressed and I wake up in a fit within ten minutes because my mind simply can’t fathom what has become of my life as well. It’s shocking. I am too young for total disaster to have happened to me and even though some of it was my fault I know all of it was completely avoidable and it’s so sad. It’s no way to live and I don’t even wish it on my worst enemy.

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YankeesFan15

I can’t sleep. After it first came up I didn’t sleep for a few days, then I started to get so tired I would eventually fall asleep but only for maybe 30 mins to an hour at most and I’d wake up with such a lit in my stomach. Now after this last time of her telling me no we’re not getting back together I haven’t eaten or slept at all. I have knots in my stomach, my chest hurts and feels like someone is standing on my chest. I’m so upset. I’m a 32 year old man and I cry every single night like a child because I hurt so much. I didn’t think it was possible to ever be this broken. I didn’t think this could ever happen. We would fight and make up all the time. I’ve never laid a hand on her, I’ve never cheated on her never as much as kissed another girl. Even at bars if a women approached me I would be the ultimate wingman for my buddies because there isn’t  a soul on earth that would make me even consider leaving her or cheating on her. She says we’re toxic together and I hate that term. That’s a term that gets throw around so loosely now because of social media and all these pages telling people they don’t need anyone to be happy. I’m all for self empowerment and women’s equality and self esteem but the word toxic gets thrown around way to much without the correct context behind it. My sister had a bf that was very mentally abusive and at the end got physically abusive and my wife has the audacity to say me trying to win her back is just toxic manipulation and that she can’t take my toxic masculinity in this house anymore. I don’t do anything of the sort to fall into either one of those categories but that is been her reasoning. My sister looked at me and laughed and said I’m sorry I didn’t mean to laugh but let her have 1 day in my shoes with her ex bf to show her what real toxic relationship is. 

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Omg. I couldn’t agree with you more. I have also heard that term recently in regards to my situation and I first heard it about ten years ago by my own sister who said she needed “boundaries” from “toxic” people even though she is one of the most vile people in the planet. I think it’s one of the worst words in the English language other than divorce. I am a child of a horrible divorce so how I thought I would ever end up in this situation is beyond me. I’m so confused and the more time goes on the worse it gets. I start understanding less and less. 
 

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YankeesFan15

Not that I know of. I saw a text between her and her father asking what she should do. He said he thinks she should work it out. She said she doesn’t want to and then she asked if she should file and he never responded and I haven’t heard or seen anything else. 

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YankeesFan15

Also should say that my in-laws are divorced going on 7 years now after being married for over 20. She left him for another man she worked with... when this happened my wife was very upset and stopped taking to her mother for a while saying that she doesn’t believe in divorce ever. You work it out someway somehow you don’t get divorced. I brought that up and said it’s very Hypocritical of her to preach one thing and then completely do the opposite of what she said herself. 

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So there is a chance she won’t file or divorce you?

 

thats good for you if she changes her mind.

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YankeesFan15

Larissa. I’m crushed. I went to check and see if one of my payments went through and my account was 4,500$ less. I asked her what happened to the money and she said she spoke to a lawyer and he advised her to take half of the money. Is this the beginning of the end. I had been holding out hope. I can’t believe this is fucking happening 

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Well, all I can say is I am right “fucking” there with you. I am in constant shock. I just had to speak with a lawyer yesterday and he kept telling me what to do and I don’t want to do any of it because I don’t want this to happen and never did but he keeps saying you “ got to defend yourself” in “the divorce” and crap like that and I’m like I already am so tore down I can’t defend myself.

Do you think maybe she is bluffing? Have you asked her is there ANYTHING u can do to keep her. I asked that question and got a No. but maybe you will have more luck. Some women go great lengths to “get what they want “ from their man. I don’t know if she wants more love and attention but I’m sure you are a good husband and we’re already giving her that. Let me give you an example...my biological sister is married to a multimillionaire. He just bought her. 300k Porsche and the next month she has THE NERVE to tell me she didn’t feel adored!!!!! And he showers her with attention.

so I guess what I’m saying is it’s possible that some women are never happy 

 

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YankeesFan15

I asked her what does she need me to do, what can give me the slightest chance of us working this out and she said no! There is nothing we have to talk about except divorce and how we’re going to arrange it. She said she sees everything that I’m doing extra to try and fool her into thinking I’ve changed my lazy tendencies but it isn’t going to work because she doesn’t think I will ever change. I told her I will do whatever it takes even if it kills me to get her back and she said she will not engage in anymore conversations until we’re in front of lawyers... how could a women I have 3 children with and have been so in love for 12 years Just change there mind like that. I asked her how can she be so cold hearted and not even shedding a tear when I’m hurting as bad as I am and she said there may come a time down the line where I cry a little before bed but it won’t effect me because I’ll go to sleep know I made the right choice. 

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Wow.ok. And this all came out of no where? Have u asked her if she found someone else? I don’t know why she would stonewall you. 
 I agree. Seems really cold hearted especially because you are trying so hard. It almost sounds like she’s a different person or acting completely different than who you married. I wonder what changed. I have only met one other woman who did the same thing but I know it’s because “the man” didn’t make enough money so after approximately the same amount of time and two kids she got surgery and jumped ship.

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YankeesFan15

She swore on our children it’s not another person. She said she’s only focused on making herself a better person For HERSELF. And the kids because they deserve better . I’m just shattered. She’s my first real love and I’ll never find another like her. We were perfect together, idk what happened 

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I completely understand 100 percent.im right there with you.

how old are you?

 

im 42. 
 

beyond TOO YOUNG FOR THIS!!!

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Sounds like it was all going well. I’m sorry she changed. I’m sure you wish you knew what happened. I know what happened with mine but it doesn’t make it easier :(

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YankeesFan15

Thank you for taking the time to talk to me and just letting me vent because I have no one else who will really listen without telling me it might be for the better or the you’ll be ok. They mean well but they’re not in my our shoes and don’t know the hurt we feel that nothing will ever be ok again. 

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Your welcome

I understand. Nothing will be ok again and it always was ok. In fact it was very good. So I went from very good to very very bad and it didn’t take long at all. I don’t smile anymore don’t laugh and barely even talk to people anymore I am COMPLETEY devastated.

 

you can vent anytime. I will be here

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YankeesFan15

I haven’t gotten a lawyer yet. My fathers friend is a lawyer but not a divorce lawyer, he told me he would set me up with someone he knows very well and is an “absolute shark” will go hard to help me keep as much as my assets as possible. I don’t want to go that route. I’m hoping if we can’t fix this to do it peacefully and come to an agreement that works best for everyone. She did say this morning in a text message she hopes to remain friends and we’ll still be able to do stuff together down the line with the kid’s. My children are in sports and cheer and stuff and she wants us to be able to go to their games together. My mind is running all over but to me it sounds like she’s is leaving the door open for us to maybe get back together. I may just be really naive but I will always hold on hope and pray that it will happen. I will not atop trying to win her back. I will continue being the best person I can be towards her and my kid’s this way they know that I have it a fighting chance and she wasn’t having it. 

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When you try and win her back and she’s not having it does she give you any reason?

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YankeesFan15

No. I mean the only thing that she says is she’s given me plenty of chances to change and now it’s no late. She asked me yesterday if she could move with the kids out of state and I politely said no. I said it’s bad enough that I’m not going to be able to see them everyday as it is once I have to move out but now you want to take away my chance to see my kids whenever I can by moving away. I said I’m sorry but no, I can’t live without my kids in my life and only being able to see them every once in a while maybe twice a year. No chance. She told me i could still FaceTime as if that’s actually a viable option. She snapped and started yelling and calling me selfish for not allowing her to move out of state like she’s always wanted. I got so upset I like slapped my wall in my bedroom with both hands. Kind of like a push motion and I accidentally put a small hole in my wall. She called the cops on me. Like 8 cars showed up but it didn’t work how she thought it would. Every single cop got both sides of our story and everyone of them including the 2 female officers agreed with me. They sat her in the back of the cop car and allowed me to sit in my house and one officer said to me I don’t understand you guys have 3 kids go to counseling and figure this **** out. I said officer I’m not 100% innocent  I declined going to counseling a couple years ago because I didn’t think I or we needed it and he said who gives a **** you know now that you need it and are more than willing to go and fix things she needs to try for the sake of the kids. He said I’m a product of a divorce and I can still remember my mom telling me everything was going to be ok it would just be really hard at first he said I tried to kill myself 2 times from the time I was 13-18 years old. He then lifted his sleeve and showed me his scars on his wrist, he said this **** takes a tole on kids more than any one will ever know. He said I’m only where I am now because of my wife and her constant reminder of how important I really am to her and my kids.   He went over to the patrol car she was sitting in and talked to her and basically all the officers told her I didn’t do anything wrong there’re not going to make me leave my house and that they all think she should reconsider for the children sake to work it out. She came back in with her copies of the statements and hid in another room. I over heard her crying to her sister that “he puts a hole in the fucking wall and the cops come sit me in the backseat and take his fucking side and tell me that I should give him another chance at this for the kids. And that we should go to therapy. Who the **** is he to tell me"  Everyone I know agrees with me, I even saw her dads text back to her saying maybe she is overreacting and should try to calm down and work this out. She will not cave because she’s to stubborn to admit she was wrong. 

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Wow.traumatic for sure. And that happened yesterday?

being a product of divorce as a child was horrible, I self medicated and was the outcast at school because I was so sad all the time. It shaped my whole life. So to be going through this is unbelievable. I think it’s analogous to the people that had to jump out of the World Trade Center. They went to work one minute thinking everything was fine and within an hour that was the choice they had to make.

 

did anyone ever suggest to her that her brain chemicals weren’t right? Does any mental illness run in her family. It’s so weird that she would just want you to not be a part of her life all the sudden. Hard to figure out.

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Her life wouldn’t be better without you so it’s hard to see her goal. Unless like I said she found some new “ rich guy” like in the movies or something weird like that. 
 

otherwise the only other explanation is that you still love her but are dealing with someone that doesn’t feel the same and is being very cruel and stubborn like you said and has no intention of helping you out and is mearly trying to punish you.  And that happens 

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YankeesFan15

She returned to work yesterday so I tried being civil and asked how her day was and she shot me such a nasty look and said fine with an attitude and that was the end of our conversation. She told me she can’t even stand the sight of me or can’t stand to hear my voice right now. Her nerves get all shot. I really have no shot anymore. 

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Boy do I hear you.

He tells me weekly “ I hate you more and more everyday” . And the sad thing is no matter how much he says it it will never change how much I love him. 
 

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It’s really the definition of hell. I just hang on for dear life knowing everyday he can just go file and drop the ball even more even though I know the truth. I go to sleep at night thinking it was nice these 15 years to get to have been his wife knowing it can all be taken away any instant 

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YankeesFan15

No. I already told her I will not be moving out. A guy I used to work with told me under no circumstances move out because he did when him and his wife separated and they nailed him for abandoning her. My lawyer I consulted with also told me do not leave the home. Stay in separate rooms if you must but do not leave. I can’t believe I’m even having conversations with a lawyer I really had held on hope thinking we’ll get past this, it doesn’t look like it

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YankeesFan15

No, not yet. I think she’s still debating on going through lawyer or mediator to make it cheaper. What kills me is that we have the 3 kids together and I’ve been working so much that tomorrow I was planning on taking them and her is she wanted to just go out and ride bikes and maybe sit at the park. She without telling me arranged for her my kids and a few other of her family members to to go Montauk point tomorrow without me. Not even a thought of inviting me. So now my children’s first experience out there is going to be without me and it really just hurts my how she can be this cold. 

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YankeesFan15

Is it just me or does it seem like when you’re going through this everything and I’m taking everything songs, tv shows or commercials things you read are all about divorce or unhappiness in marriages. Maybe it’s always there but it goes unnoticed because you’re not so focused on it but I can’t even enjoy watching tv or listening to the radio because everything I relate back to her. 

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Yes. Completely. It’s everyday, all day long reminders.

I can honestly say I am tormented everyday with a barrage of crap all day long. I stopped watching tv and listening to music about a year ago when I knew this was coming and even the songs I loved BEFORE I KNEW HIM STILL TELATE BACK TO HOW MUCH I wanted a love like we had to last forever. I see people in my family and on tv having babies (I couldn’t) and starting families and I struggle to keep it together mentally every minute of the day because it all relates back to love and happy families and marriage etc. 

at least u have your career. I lost that too ( he sent the divorce) 

 

 

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YankeesFan15

I just expressed how upset it made me that I didn’t even get invited to yesterday’s little trip with my kids and She said I don’t have to invite you to **** anymore and I said they’re still my children and she said yeah well you’re no longer my husband so I don’t have to do anything. I said legally we still are married and she said idc my lawyer said I don’t have to talk to you or do anything for you. She’s looking to hurt me 

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Are you still watching tv and eating and doing things together or separate?

i understand u have the kids there too so it might be difficult

im sure they have questions 

Yes. She is definitely looking to hurt you. That’s all she wants to do at this point.

are u in separate rooms?

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