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Dey

Lost my husband suddenly...

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peach_2003

I still have lots of regret for pulling my husband off life support I really don't know what the future holds for me either. I tell him every day 50 times a day that I love him and miss him very much.

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Dey
9 minutes ago, A Wilson said:

I laid my husband to rest today. It was and is the hardest day of my life. The pain of missing him is so great. I'm still in denial to some degree. I see him just being away for awhile but not forever.

I'm sorry you have to experience this today. It really is the hardest when you are the one doing that for your loved one. I remember that day when I did that to my husband. My heart was ripped and broken in pieces. Til now, I still feel that my husband is not gone, I just can't touch and hug him anymore, I still talk to him about anything, he just doesn't reply to mine but somehow I feel he still listens. People would think I'm delusional or crazy when see talking to empty air. I don't care, I miss my husband so much.

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I know how you feel.  I've been doing it for 15 years but this social isolation has me at my wits end because the way I learned to cope was give myself something to look forward to, balance time home alone with time out with friends or volunteering...can do that now.

I'm so sorry to read this. the situation with corona is indeed making everything harder. Although I'm not in good position myself but I know my situation is better than many people whose lives was badly impacted by this. I wish and pray that this thing will over soon. God bless you @KayC

 

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Dey
21 minutes ago, peach_2003 said:

I still have lots of regret for pulling my husband off life support I really don't know what the future holds for me either. I tell him every day 50 times a day that I love him and miss him very much.

Neither do I. The future looks bleak. How can I live my life and raise my child without my husband? Maybe I could survive, but it's not gonna be the same without him, my happiness has left this world. I'm living emptier life now...

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peach_2003

I try and smile but I cant because I feel so sad. We only ever had a cat but I remember my husband saying that once our kitty left us he wanted to get a pug I wish he would have gotten his little dog. 

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Dey

Yes, i try to smile but my smile turns out weird. It's more like sad smile with death eyes. We used to have a dog, she died 2 years ago because of old age, my husband was practically her dad, she even waited till my husband hugged her before died, so heartbreaking. Since that I don't feel like having another pet, our dog is irreplaceable. Same cases with my husband, he's the one and only. 

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peach_2003

I could never replace my husband and I wouldn't want too and our cat is not replaceable either but my husband always wanted a dog so he could have someone to walk with ( expecally when I was at work) his parent had a dog but they had to put her down 4 years ago on fathers day she was such a special dog and my husband loved going to there house to visit her. She was one of the reasons why he wanted a dog so bad

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Dey

Funny how animals love my and your husband too, right Peach? Animals can sense the good in people.. 

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peach_2003

yes they can. I have a video of us camping he is feeding a chipmunk peanuts its a cute video and I am glad that I have it. 

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Dey

He's a kind man. 

We were lucky to have them in our lives, but it also make losing them feel soooooooo hard. 

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peach_2003

yes it does expecally when it was not expected. One minute he was perfectly fine then he was dying.  

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Monaron

I don't know if it was a long lingering death or quick, which would be better? I think both are hard but to go to bed feeling safe and have him come later only to die an hour later and nothing you can do. I did CPR and so did the ambulance when they came, but my heart told me he was gone when I first started. I saw it in his eyes that he no longer was with me. This I am grateful for in that he made a few minutes of a crying noise when I woke and then he was gone. Something very drastic, fast happened and I don't think he suffered. This I take some comfort. I have to say its going on 8 weeks and the absence of him is so acute. Nights are hard. Very few call or see if Im ok. I got a message saying I hope you have a lovely weekend. A lovely weekend ,there is no weekend. My days meld into one another. I have lo look at the calendar to even know what day it is. Im still lost and do not know where my future will be. I come .here because you all understand where Im at. IT seems others distance to not have to deal with the discomfort of grieving. Some expect me to reach out to them. I work at getting our of bed in the morning, showered, and dress. reaching out takes much energy. They all want me to be happy, moving on, getting over it. Im not. Not yet. maybe someday?

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Monaron

Due to the virus we have not had the memorial yet. I have his ashes and his wish was to be scattered, but here in Germany its illegal's. The funeral home told me here are the ashes and they are your to do with as you wish, but do it quietly. I still have to find the place where he first took me on a near by mountain. This has to be done without his family because they want a big to do and that was not his wishes. We do have a friend who said he will come to me when the ban is lifted and we will quietly find that place. This Im not looking forward to. ,,but I know it needs to happen. For now I just exists. HE is not there in the ashes but for some odd reason knowing I have them gives me small comfort. 

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KayC
16 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

I wish he would have gotten his little dog. 

Get one for him.  Share it with him. Who knows but maybe he is around sometimes and can be aware of what's going on.  I feel that way sometimes.  I wish we had a way to talk back and forth like we used to.  I so miss that.

 

9 hours ago, Monaron said:

I don't know if it was a long lingering death or quick, which would be better?

You can't compare them, they are very different.  Drawbacks to both.  I took care of my sweet MIL for the three years she was bedridden with cancer.  She was the mom I always wanted and my best friend.  I could talk to her about anything, learned so much from her, especially when my babies came along.  She was the best cook I ever knew, some of her recipes died with her but I learned a lot about cooking from her, although now I can't eat any of it as I am on low carb diet.  Watching her die, bit by bit was true agony.  It ate through her bones which is why she was bedridden.  It destroyed her organs, went to her brain although most of the time she was lucid and knew us, thankfully.  I didn't know how I'd live without her.  It'd take 1,000 people to fill her shoes, she was the most thoughtful person!

When George died it was sudden and unexpected, he was so young, we thought we had years together yet!  I couldn't wrap my mind around it, I was in shock!  I had no clue how I could live without him.  I didn't know where to start, didn't know beans about this thing called a grief journey.  People said the stupidest things to me.  I came to hate cliches and the fact that our society knows nothing about grief and often responds inappropriately.  All of our friends disappeared overnight.  Even the pastor we had went on vacation the next morning like it was nothing, leaving me to find someone else to conduct his funeral!  I was left with half the income, lost my job, it was the beginning of the recession, had to figure out how to handle everything from needing a new roof with no money, how to pay the $72,000 debt he left me with, didn't have $ for a lawyer or I'd have known I wouldn't have had to pay the hospital bills, but they were pressuring me and I had no clarity of mind due to the shock.  I'm amazed even now that I lived through those times.  One day at a time, that's how I did it.  I couldn't handle any more than that....still can't after 15 years.  I've learned to look for and grasp whatever tiny bit of good there is in my day.

Right now, this is what keeps me going, my little Kodie:

Kodie 050520.jpg

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KayC
9 hours ago, Monaron said:

I got a message saying I hope you have a lovely weekend.

Oh my gosh, people say such inappropriate things!  Like on FB everyone was wishing a Happy Mother's Day.  How happy can it be when you can't see your family or church friends?  No cards, flowers, dinners, nothing.  A day like any other except even more depressing because you know it SHOULD be happy...but is far from it.  No husband to sit this out with me.  Hell, I'd even settle for someone to fight with!  Except we rarely got into it, extremely rare!  We got along so well and blended together amazingly.  

Nights/weekends were the hardest for me, that was our time together, when we were off work.  Now every day/night is equally hard.  One the same as another.

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KayC
9 hours ago, Monaron said:

I have his ashes and his wish was to be scattered, but here in Germany its illegal's. The funeral home told me here are the ashes and they are your to do with as you wish, but do it quietly.

It's pretty much that way here too but everyone does it.  I just wouldn't announce it on social media as that's documentation.  I spread George's on my property, which is allowed since it's private and I own it.  If I ever sell our place, that will have to be a clause as I want mine where he is.

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peach_2003

Last night after writing about how my Matthew wanted a pug I went onto face book and as a scrolled down a suggestion popped up a suggestion for me and it was pugs I don't know if this is a sign but I think it might be.

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KayC
17 hours ago, A Wilson said:

I laid my husband to rest today. It was and is the hardest day of my life.

I'm sorry it was so hard for you.  The day of George's funeral someone he didn't even like showed up at my house, unwelcome, as I was trying to get everything ready to take down there, she grabbed his hat and said, "I want his hat!"  I snatched it back, tears flowing, and said, "NO! It's GEORGE'S!"  How dare she!  I then ignored her as I continued getting ready.  But it was heartening to see so many show up, the place was packed, anywhere from the homeless to the mayor...he'd touched so many lives.  My mother said something inappropriate and untrue on the open mike session, the pastor tried to grab it from her but she had a death grip.  Leave it to my mom to ruin yet another thing (she was crazy).  I should have warned the pastor but didn't think to.  Other than that it went well.  Only three of his family showed up and he was second oldest of eleven kids.  Even his dad didn't bother, even though he had a ride offer.

But right now with the social distancing, people can't even have funerals.  I can't imagine how hard that must be.  A terrible time to die.  But then no time is a good time.  :(

 

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peach_2003

Because of covid-19 we weren't able to have a funeral for Matthew. His mom told the nurse even if there wasn't this pandemic going on there would still be no service (which is what her and dad wanted but not matthew my matthew wanted a service) but cause of what is going on there was no service which I am sure that he'd understand but if there wasn't a pandemic his parents denying what he wanted was not right

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KayC

peach, I'm so sorry you had to contend with his parents.  Not like you didn't already have enough to deal with.  (((hugs)))

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Monaron

Im so sorry. ITs so hard when the family does not agree to the wishes of our loved ones. Hold your ground and let them know as his wife he wanted a memorial and you will have one. ITs up to them to come or not. serious. You knew his wishes as his wife.  

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KayC

Agreed!

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Dey
15 hours ago, Monaron said:

I don't know if it was a long lingering death or quick, which would be better?

It's different things, both are hard and difficult. I lost my father due to worsening of health 10 months ago (yes, this year I lost 2 male figures of my life, my father and my husband). With long lingering death, you, too, would die slowly everytime you see your loved ones struggling and fighting for their lives. You feel the agony an despair, wishing you could do anything to free them from pain, but at the same time you can't bear and ready to be separate yet. With sudden loss, it's like you're struck by lightning. Everything happens so sudden and abrupt, you are never "prepared". I remember my most reactions on that day were shocked, confused. Just after the whole process of funeral was over reality set in. That's when the whole waves of emotions hit me hard. When I realized that my whole world crumbled down.. 

15 hours ago, Monaron said:

Some expect me to reach out to them.

Some of my friends expect me that too. But how can I? I use all my energy trying to survive "now" only. Beside, some might say something that trigger me, although they actually mean good, I don't have that extra energy dealing with that. 

 

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Dey

@peach_2003 I'm sorry his parents disagree about things with you. But you're his wife, you know what his wishes better. You do what you think best. 

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Now every day/night is equally hard.  One the same as another

This...

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Missy1

I understand that, I am consumed with thoughts and memories of him. Essential I live in past, everything I see and do i think about him. It is exhausting and stressful. Today I noticed I am losing a lot my hair, clumps. It’s the prolonged stress and pain. My body is showing signs of poor health. 

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peach_2003

my stomach hurts most of the time and my hair which used to be soft (my husband loved my hair) is now dry and brittle.. I refuse to go to the hospital as I blame them for my husbands death. I feel that they should have been able to save him. 

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