Lost my husband suddenly...

[Dey]

I'm so sorry about your lost @Monaron  also about your situation, I can only imagine how hard it is for you now.. I pray things will get better and you soon have solutions to the papers and stuff, or you can travel back to US or whatever you're planning to do.

Seems like we have some similarities in our story, we lost our husband abruptly, in the bedroom, did the cpr and all.. but that was all useless. He was still gone. I remember a lot or random things about my husband too, but at the same time I forget many other things here and there, where I put some stuffs, or let the water run for hours until my son reminded me. 

I'm lost and don't know what to do, can't even think how to survive tomorrow, the weeks.. members here suggest me just take it a moment at a time. This forum helps  a lot, members here have been through their losses too, no judgement here. I hope you stay here, come to share, read other posts, vents, or whatever you feel like it. 

[Monaron]

Thank you Dey, I understand your pain too. All too well. My hope that I can see right now is that in time we will find  a place of peace. Never forgetting, but peace. Im also lost and that is a terrible feeling. I never realized how safe I felt with him. Its like he buffered a foreign country for me. I have dozens of what if I would have done this or that, but I think we are already feeling pretty beaten up so why add to it. I like the fact that you said you are glad you went first so he didn't have to suffer this pain. I too feel that and it give me strength or a little right now that he doe snot have to ever go through this pain of loss. I think I eventually will come back tot eh Us but for now I cannot think of any move. I have so much here to do and it will take time and much courage to get through it all. I also hope you stay on. We need each other in the storm. we cannot do it alone. 

[KayC]

Monaron, I am so sorry for your loss.  That you are going through this alone in a foreign country makes it all the harder.  I haven't heard how Germany is affected by COVID-19, but the US has been hit hard.  Losing your spouse is one of the hardest if not the hardest thing we can go through in the best of times, but these times are uniquely difficult.  

I wrote this article of the things I'd found helpful and hope something in it will speak to you now, something else later on in your journey.  

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Missy1]

@Monaron I am very sorry for your loss I’m going on three months I can’t believe I made it this long the pain is still pretty unbearable. It must be difficult for you having an added challenge of not being home in the US. I’m sorry that you have to endure this being isolated from family and  friends. Hopefully you can get out of there soon.

 We do need them to weather the storm, being alone just feels so wrong so empty. Every morning I wake up from a restless sleep and I’m disappointed and feel that piece of me is gone, I am empty and broken. I think to myself I guess I can survive another day, I’ll try to survive another day.
Nothing to look forward to, just work to pay the bills, chores to maintain the house and property. Alone every day, missing the only person who truly knew me and loved me, I loved him more than anything n this world.
Such a heavy load we must carry, I feel sick and disconnected today.

[peach_2003]

its been 5 weeks today since my sweet hug a bug left me, it makes me feel so sick and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry

[Christinarosa1968]

My husband passed suddenly on March 16th of a heart attack.  I have been so sad, it feels like hell. 

[peach_2003]

yes it is total hell, I keep wishing my husband will come back to me I know its not possible but I still wish that he would come back to me.

[Christinarosa1968]

My emotions are like a rollercoaster and my wonderful memories are bringing me such sadness.  He came home not feeling well and told me everything would be okay he was just going to lay down....he did and then about an hour later, got up and collapsed and died.

I keep saying "what if I had done more." 

 

[peach_2003]

my husband was in the hospital for 3 weeks before he died he woke up with a sore stomach really early in the morning I took him to the hospital ( he walked in on his own) and the doctors kept telling me he was very sick but that that he would get better,

[Monaron]

such powerful words from all. I cry reading your pain . All of you. I cry for me, for you. We lost something dear and it will never be the same. Today his boss stopped by with a card and a little money. She told me they has just talked about me a few days earlier and he told her how much he loved me and was so happy. he really liked his job and the people. she stood in my door way not being able to come in  with a card and tears. As I cried she said I know in her best English. I wanted to hug her but couldn't. we are in need of each other to make it through this storm. this hurricane we are in .My wish is that \God will bless each and everyone of you with peace to come. A new way, not the old or best but new. Finding our way through the storm of life. God bless you all. Keep talking it helps. 

[ModKatB]

When I started this journey just over 2 years ago I began writing to help me get thru everything that was happening and this is one of the things I wrote.

 

Who am I now that you are gone?

What am I supposed to do with this life?

I did not want to be alone, without you by my side.

How can I take one more step or one more breath?

It hurts more than anything I have ever felt before.

This can't be happening, maybe it is just a dream.

No this is my reality, my new way of life.

I would give all I have just to have you back.

There is nothing for me to hold onto since you are gone.

I am just a jumble of emotions and no place to hide. KB

 

Now things have changed and even though I still miss him every day, I am also able to have moments of times where I can smile and laugh at the memories of us together.

Grief has no time limit or certain steps you must take. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and it is something we each have to find our own way through.

My wish is that we all can find moments of peace and maybe a reason to smile.

[Monaron]

thank modkat.

Al what your ay rings true but I have not yet reached that point, Even close, but hope for something in the future, You give words of encouragement and for that Im grateful

[Dey]

5 hours ago, Monaron said:

I never realized how safe I felt with him. Its like he buffered a foreign country for me

There are times after my husband are no longer here I remember the small things, very simple things he liked to do for me that showed how he love me, protected me. I thought I was already grateful about him before, but now I know I might not. All those things feel more touching now, I realize how he love me a lot by those simple thing he did just to make me more comfortable, at ease. He shielded me. Love can really make you do wonderful thing, just like your husband buffered a foreign country for you, Ijust like you move across ocean and live faraway from your family for him. You must love each other so much.

2 hours ago, Christinarosa1968 said:

My husband passed suddenly on March 16th of a heart attack.  I have been so sad, it feels like hell. 

@Christinarosa1968 I'm so sorry for your loss. we never prepare and ready, not that anyone are ever ready losing the love ones, when losing our husband suddenly, one moment we thought everything is ok, the next moment the world is swept upside down, not only you feel sad, lost, brokenhearted, and all, you also have to experience everything in your life change now, abruptly..

2 hours ago, Christinarosa1968 said:

I keep saying "what if I had done more." 

This is also keep repeating inside my head.. the "what if", and all those mixed emotions ofc. Members here tell me it's normal for us who just experience the loss because our grievings are still so raw. I try to do meditation, but sometimes it works, many times don't.

 

[Dey]

3 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

its been 5 weeks today since my sweet hug a bug left me, it makes me feel so sick and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry

I went to bed crying and hugging his picture yesterday Peach. I want him to hug me again, I miss him lying beside me, I miss waking up to his face as my daily routines.

[peach_2003]

I know the feeling dey I actually haven't slept in our bed because our bedroom makes me want to cry, I have his picture on the coffee table beside me I keeping hoping he will come to me in my dreams so we  can talk. Worst is I feel abandoned by the rest of the family because his parents don't even check on me, His cousin checks on me daily even if its just to say hi its nice to talk to him, 

[Christinarosa1968]

Yes, I find it hard to go into the bedroom too.  I have been having panic attacks and hyperventilating thinking about him sometimes.  I miss him so much it overwhelms me.  I was with him for 32 years.  I am 52, so since I was 20 years old.  We had so many memories.  I have 2 daughters who are 17 and the other will be 13 this weekend.  Lost their father.  They are sad, but doing better than me.  I just can't think of life without him.  The house, the garage, the rooms, all bring memories of him.  The house (even with kids and dogs) is so QUIET without him.  He was such a good guy.

[peach_2003]

my husband and I have been married for 17 years (or it would have been 17 years this june) I was 19 when we got married my husband was 20

[Missy1]

I met and feel in love with my husband 30 yrs, married 26, it’s impossible when your identity and self was part of this person. We bonded for life, I never want anyone else. I am just doing time here...cried quite a bit today. He was my rock, I want to be with him! Nothing holds any vale or interest in life anymore.

i spent 3 hours outside in the heat, preparing for my brother and his family to come use the pool and have dinner tomorrow. I prayed and asked Karl to help me..I actually got the leaf blower started, it’s a pull engine. (First time to do that by myself)
I cleaned and uncovered BBQ grills, patio furniture. I hated it, he loved doing this stuff for me. It’s very hard work, I am not prepared for all this. It makes me sad this was his domain. 

[peach_2003]

my husband used to love to find stuff on the computer for me my back ground picture is the same as the one he put on there for me. I am sue I can figure out how to change it but I am not sure I want to because it was the last thing he did for me. He used to hook up the video game system for me if it needed to be changed again I am sure I can do this myself but I lost all interest in playing video games or doing anything else. I don't want anyone else either ( his mom tells me I am young and may not always feel this way) but I know in my heart that I may always feel this way because the thought of being with anyone else makes me want to throw up. I loved Matthew so very much I still love him with all of my heart, all I do all day long is cry and cry

[Missy1]

Awe I can relate to this.... I have kept his phone on and I reduced our plan to the lowest amount of data, because I don’t text anyone anymore. I took over his iPad and his Facebook account I just look at it every day I love the memories that it brings up I’ll always live for him yet I feel like he’s slipping away. I actually appreciate the whole COVID-19, because  it seems like the world is paused, in my head the world should pause! it should stop because my world stopped! 

[Dey]

Same.. I keep his number and his phone too, and all his social media account. His wallpaper on mobile and computer are the picture of me. 

1 hour ago, peach_2003 said:

I don't want anyone else either ( his mom tells me I am young and may not always feel this way) but I know in my heart that I may always feel this way because the thought of being with anyone else makes me want to throw up. I loved Matthew so very much I still love him with all of my heart, all I do all day long is cry and cry

My mom inlaws also said something similar to this. She worried that I'd remarry and this would cause my son growing apart with inlaws family. I almost snapped when I heard it, how can she worried about that, Sam even hasnt left me one month. Also I am not the person that try separate grandson to his grandparents. I dont want to think about any male now except my son. The idea that I would hear something similar later from other people makes me uncomfortable. 

[peach_2003]

my husband has only been gone 5 weeks he is and will always be the love of my life

[Monaron]

My brother in law has not called me in 4 weeks since my husbands passing. In a way  Im glad I don't have to talk with him think about translating my English into German in my head. When my husband t died on march 26, 2020 my brother in law did come over after the police went and told him. He was not answering his phone, which is not unusual. The first thing otr of his mouth was his brother did not live right. he did not eat right and he was mad that my husband did not ask his permission to marry an American. ME He said Im going to let go of my anger. I didn't  say anything because I was in a state of shock and still am,but I thought how dare you speak of my husband now that he is gone in a negative way, when in life you cared less. so not calling me or helping me I guess is a blessing. I have moments after 5 weeks with no tears, only moments then it starts again. Im lost and there is so much for me to do and no help. No one checks on me, No one calls. Im praying that God will show us and give us strength. He is the love of my life and there will never be another, never. God bless all. 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Christinarosa1968 said:

My husband passed suddenly on March 16th of a heart attack.  I have been so sad, it feels like hell. 

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband...I lost mine to a heart attack, we hadn't known he had heart trouble until that weekend.  Found out he'd had a major one that left severe damage six months before, he'd actually died and the airbag going off (car totaled) gave the thrust to his chest that restarted his heart.  If only his doctor had sent him to a Cardiologist then!  A heart transplant could have saved him, but the doctor ignored his complaints and he continued working his physically taxing job, 150 mile commute a day!  I was away when it happened, he landed in the hospital, but when I was with him he had another heart attack and died.  Never got to have that "last conversation."  

I hope you will read/print the tips I posted above, this journey is ever evolving so something that might not sound helpful now may later on.  I hope you'll keep coming here, it helps to have others here that get it.

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Monaron said:

I thought how dare you speak of my husband now that he is gone in a negative way, when in life you cared less. so not calling me or helping me I guess is a blessing.

I went through that with my husband's dad (can't even call him my FIL).  George was always there for his dad, his dad was the worst.  He didn't bother attending George's funeral, he lived two hours away and had offers for a ride.  Yet a year later he dared call me badmouthing George!  I told him what a good son he'd had and to call back when he had something positive to say...then I hung up.  Never heard from him again, he's now passed.  No one in the family let me know, that's okay except I know George would be grieved over it all.  But I'm still glad I stood up for George, my feelings were the same as yours, How Dare He!

[Dey]

11 hours ago, Monaron said:

The first thing otr of his mouth was his brother did not live right. he did not eat right and he was mad that my husband did not ask his permission to marry an American. ME

How could he said something like that? Inlaws are..... complicated. I'm considered as those who have good relationship with my inlaws, but there are times when they crossed the line too. But I try to forgive those unpleasant experiences, thinking no matter what we're still "family". Ofc my unpleasant experiences with inlaws are not to your extend, so it's easier for me to tolerate them. 

11 hours ago, Monaron said:

I have moments after 5 weeks with no tears, only moments then it starts again. Im lost and there is so much for me to do and no help. No one checks on me, No one calls. Im praying that God will show us and give us strength. He is the love of my life and there will never be another, never. God bless all. 

These things happen to me too, I call it calmer  and rough moments. The amount of the rough moments beat the calmer ones, a lot. Yes, I also feel the numbers of people checking on you also decrease as time goes by. Maybe they move on with their lives, everything  else move on, except my life. I'm still stuck on my life with my husband. And with the world situation right now, things just get to be harder and difficult. I pray things will get better soon, and for each one of us to find guide and strength to survive. God bless you all..

[Dey]

Today is one rough day. The pain is excruciating and I barely sleep at all, so I am also exhausted. On top of that I feel left out by my family because I'm the only one living the opposites of the town, they live nearby each other (practically neighbors), also close to my mom. So they can still visit each other during this time. I know it's not their intention to neglect me, they still check me regularly, this just something I can't help feeling.

 

Thankfully my son is having better day than me. He has fun video calls with his cousins. 

[Christinarosa1968]

Hello Dey...I had a bad day too...sleeping bad last night and so tired.  Monday will be 7 weeks my Michael went to Heaven.   All was going so well and POOF he was gone.  I wish I could go back in time....

I hope and pray you will have a good night sleep and God will take this pain away.  Much love to you.

[Dey]

@Christinarosa1968 yes, sometimes when I thought today was gonna be calmer day, it went just the opposite. It seems like lack of sleep play a role a bit, for me exhaustion contributes and triggers it. I haven't talk to my counselor again, whether she would prescribe me something this time. Before she just recommended me trying meditation. 

I'm sorry you had bad day too. It's not easy, really really not easy.. especially when the world still continues but me, us? We are stuck at the time we still had our husband. We can't go back in time but it's so difficult to move forward too.. 

<<hug>>

[foreverhis]

16 hours ago, Monaron said:

he was mad that my husband did not ask his permission to marry an American. ME

What the...?  Your husband was a grown adult.  He didn't need anyone's permission to marry you.  Well, okay, he needed your permission, but that's a mutual decision you made for your future together.

I'm so sorry you are stuck in a place where you can't feel at home.  And I'm even sorrier that his brother is such a selfish, rude, insensitive jerk.

Please keep coming here to talk.  It helps.

[Monaron]

thank you. I will keep coming back. There is comfort and knowing Im not the only one grieving and hurting. yes my husband was his own man and I did tell my brother in law that. My last words to him. I have not heard from him since. 

 

[KayC]

I'm sorry you're alone but maybe your BIL would be more hindrance than help.  Mine only wanted George's belongings, like I didn't count.  He wrote me from prison wanting George's coin collection for HIS son, as if George's own son or stepson were of no count!  George didn't even know his nephew, his brother was always in prison.  Never mind the $72,000 in debts I'm having to pay off on my own!  George had already gotten rid of his coin collection but I wrote and told him he could have a hospital bill if he wanted something to remember him by.  Never heard from him again.   Good riddance!

[peach_2003]

at least no one has asked me for anything of my husbands. I still have all of his things right where he left them.

[Monaron]

Good one Kay, Yes the one time he came the same day he looked around to see what was there. He said to me well this is yours. I said yes it is. He came once to his brothers family's house that was over 3 hundred years old with 6 generation that lived there. we could not keep it need much renovation , so we sold and of course dear brother got half. The part that killed me was he came once and looked over what he thought has some value and took it. My husband told me let him have it we have much. He never came again, nor offered to help us clear it and clean it out. It took us  weeks and weeks of cleaning and sorting every day. He did hire three friends to help move the heavy stuff to our place, which was a feat in it self. We have not heard from hm since but  he did come to our new place once in 4 years. Sat and looked around hummmmm , didn't even eat with us and left. Now He thinks he can come in and take what he wants. I don't think so. Then he bad mouths my husband hours after his death. IF he comes around I think I will do the same Kay,hand him the bill  of the cremation and say ok here now you can remember your brother with this. here in Germany you get a bill from the funeral home and a bill from the city for cremation. Today was a bad day. I have these short moments that I can rest or watch some stupid program and not cry and then I have these crazy almost panic attacks where I feel like my world is imploding. Sunday was kind of our special day. we would start with breakfast then decide what if anything we were going to do. sometimes just nothing but be home together. I try to nap to just stop the stuff in my head. But cant. Im told time, give your self time. What is time its all the same. God bless to all  

[KayC]

We learn to grow a lot of moxie when we go through this...we have to.  My heart goes out to you, I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone.

[Dey]

@KayC you've been through a lot, and you're still here giving us guidance, listen to our stories, and all.. I thank you a lot for everything you do here.

5 hours ago, Monaron said:

I have these short moments that I can rest or watch some stupid program and not cry and then I have these crazy almost panic attacks where I feel like my world is imploding.

I'm sorry you have difficult time. This kind of experiences seem happen to us, often. Last night I woke up at 3 am and felt suffocated. Stressing about almost everything, how my life would be now, how I raise my son alone, and many other things. I then tried to focus on my breathing, got calmer a bit, but couldn't continue sleeping. I'm approaching my first anniversary without my husband in two days, maybe that's why I'm more jumpy and restless. I just wish I'll survive these days without undergoing so much episodes, it's already difficult. 

[Missy1]

One thing I’ve learned is that sleep is a critical element when your emotionally stressed. I purchased some over-the-counter sleeping aid (Zquil) and it works enough that I can get at least six hours of sleep a night which is enough to keep me sane.

Sometimes I still wake up during the night and there is no going back to sleep, too many thoughts and too much pain and sadness.

As I sit here in my home all alone in the quiet I go through memories and I just sob, the thing is that I never went through all these memories before, because we were too busy creating our future. Now that is all that left, our memories...
I wonder to myself, what am I supposed to do now?  Life=Loss and pain

[Monaron]

I so relate to all being said. I wish I could say I take comfort knowing others are feeling and suffering like me, but I wish for all that we find some peace and this suffering is less. I wish for more moments of quiet in our thoughts . Sunday was bad. I too keep on repeating things we did and things we did not do. Could I have loved more, been more patient when his dirty socks sit in the middle of the floor. All the things we talked about and he wanted to show me. We planned on taking a day trip or two into the swiss mountains. Theres a passage way he wanted to show me. I found that place looking through his old photo albums. I knew that was where he talked about taking me and I cried.  I look in the mirror and I don't know who Im looking at. My eyes are dull with no light in them.  I spend a lot of time in prayer and offer my suffering up for him and thank God he does not have to feel this. He does not have to worry about bills. He does not have to have back pain or any pain. I offer this up for him. Somehow I feel bonded to you all. Sister and if a man joins a bond in grieving. I wish for the day when one of us ,al of us can say today I feel peace. God bless you all

[KayC]

I am at peace, even though I miss George each and every day of my life, but I've been on this journey many years, alone.  My life is nothing like it was with him in that I am so alone, I do get tired of that.  Especially now with the social distancing.  I haven't seen my friends or family in about 8 weeks.

@Monaron, Do you think it's possible you could visit that passage way someday?  I'm sure there's people there acquainted with it and someone would be able to guide you.  We have a huge fault in the earth called Hell Hole, when my BIL saw it on Oregon Public Broadcast he got excited because he knew right where it was and how to find it.  I was able to visit it one day even though it's not marked, no signs because they don't want anyone falling down it.  There's usually locals that know the area.

 

[Monaron]

Maybe someday Kay, I don't go anywhere much right now. I go to the store and post office. I did go to the pharmacy for Tylenol. You have to get it here in Germany. Maybe some day. Right now its all to painful . every where I go in town he is there, but not. I pray to come to peace some day, but not today. thankyou for your reply.

[Dey]

21 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Sometimes I still wake up during the night and there is no going back to sleep, too many thoughts and too much pain and sadness.

Yes, I don't know why I keep waking up at around 3 am, then can't go back to sleep again. This is when my mind start wandering around, memories play back, and I long for him to hug me, like he always did for years. It's so empty sleeping without him beside me. I miss my husband, it's painful not being able to touch, talk, meet him again now. 

15 hours ago, Monaron said:

We planned on taking a day trip or two into the swiss mountains. Theres a passage way he wanted to show me. I found that place looking through his old photo albums. I knew that was where he talked about taking me and I cried.  I look in the mirror and I don't know who Im looking at. My eyes are dull with no light in them.

I hope someday you'll be able to visit this passage. My husband also wanted to experience Christmas on his grandparents hometown, it's small remote village far from the city I live in, but he never get the chances. Maybe someday, when I'm "ready" I take my son and experience the Christmas there. 

Yes, I also don't recognize my reflection anymore, black cicles under my eyes, dull and puffy because crying a lot. I'm a mess.

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I am at peace, even though I miss George each and every day of my life, but I've been on this journey many years, alone.  My life is nothing like it was with him in that I am so alone, I do get tired of that. 

I guess it will still be a long time till I am at peace with losing my husband @KayC I'm happy you find yours. But I accept that this is my realitg now, my husband is never coming back to me. I will miss him for the rest of my life. For the first time I feel lonely, I seldom feel lonely even when I'm alone. I didn't feel lonely before because I knew I have him. Now I'm lonely even when there are people around, at public place like when shopping for groceries. 

[Dey]

Today is really hard, it's our anniversary today. I try to be more positive but I end up looking through our wedding pics and his last selfies. Crying my heart out. It's so hard, I feel I can't continue living without my husband. If only I don't have my son to take care, maybe I would follow my husband. 

[Monaron]

Im so sorry. I understand what you are saying. I often think it would be easier not to be here. You must stay for your son. He  needs you now. I have thought of I should have gone with him, but I have children in the USA and I know it would hurt them if I was not here. We must keep our faith and try to just get through the day. each day ,each hour, just keep getting through. Remember your son came from love and so your husband would want you to raise your son to be the fine man your husband was. I understand. I cry every day, every single day. I have moments when Im ok then it starts. At night its hard and I scream sometimes. keep on holding on to your son and know that is what you husband would want. I don't know if you have a faith community or faith in God but know he will get you, us through this. I believe this with all my heart. hugs and god bless

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Dey said:

Today is really hard, it's our anniversary today. I try to be more positive but I end up looking through our wedding pics and his last selfies. Crying my heart out. It's so hard, I feel I can't continue living without my husband. If only I don't have my son to take care, maybe I would follow my husband. 

Oh, Dey, my heart hurts for you especially today.  The special days are so difficult to bear.  Please know that we are thinking of you and sending you all the comfort and care in the world (even if it is only "virtual").

I rarely, if ever, say, "He/she would want you to..." but I can't help but think in this case, your love would want you to be there for your son, to help him become a good man, to tell his father's stories, to show him the love you share.  You don't have to be strong all the time, but you will need to find a strength you might not know you have just yet.

Today is one of the days when you should let yourself not be strong, let yourself just live through it one minute, one hour at a time.  Remember all the love and know that not even death can break the bond you have with your soulmate.

((HUGS))

[Christinarosa1968]

 Dey...we are here for you.  My anniversary is coming up June 4th...would have been 27 years married. I am so sad every day but that will be especially hard.  Much love to you.  Hugs.  Keep writing if it helps....

[KayC]

On 5/4/2020 at 8:06 AM, Monaron said:

Maybe someday Kay, I don't go anywhere much right now.

I meant on down the road, perhaps years from now, it'd be too hard right now.  Right now it's enough to keep alive.  (((hugs)))

 

On 5/4/2020 at 1:54 PM, Dey said:

I don't know why I keep waking up at around 3 am, then can't go back to sleep again.

Very common.  I go through it too, am glad I finally got sleep Rx.

 

On 5/4/2020 at 1:54 PM, Dey said:

guess it will still be a long time till I am at peace with losing my husband

I wouldn't exactly put it that way, I said at peace, not "at peace with losing my husband."  Big difference.  But I've accepted that it happened, will never feel good about it though.  How can we?!

On 5/4/2020 at 1:54 PM, Dey said:

But I accept that this is my realitg now

Yes, that's more how I mean too.

Dey, Our first wedding anniversary after he die was just four months in, it was very hard.  I'd been told to plan how I would spend the day so it didn't catch me totally off guard.  How can you plan for that?  I did buy balloons and put messages in them.  I let them drift off to heaven to him...and they burst and came back!  It caught me off guard and I laughed, which is what I think he would have wanted for me.  I thought, he still has a sense of humor.  Sending you hugs from your cyber family.

[Monaron]

Good idea, I think when I eventually scatter  his ashes I will send balloons with message of hope. I have not gotten there yet. ITs been 6 weeks and it feels like one day in time. I wake up go shower, look at my class list. I teach online that is respite. I can hold it together that long. I have not decided where his ashes will be scattered. We were going to go into the mountain and pick a spot we both liked and then that would be where we would scatter , but he died before we could do this. In Germany its against the law so I have to be creative with what I do. Right now we have not even had a memorial due to the virus. His brother who was estranged from my husband and really could care less,  is getting nasty about he should  have the right to do with my husbands ashes, bury them with a big funeral and mourning.  That will be the next task. My husband did not want this as we talked about this often knowing we would eventually have to make these plans. My brother  in law wrote to me saying I need to apologize to him for taking the ashes home with me and not allowing him to carry our his wishes. Somehow even though I know my husband is not there its his ashes I have this need to stand up for his wishes and rights and hold dear to the ashes till I know the time is right.   Our anniversary is June 1 and I m not sure how Im going to handle it. Im not doing well now so I don't know.  

[Dey]

Thank you to each one of you who listen, read and send me much love. Yesterday was really tough day. But then I decided to keep tradition of "celebrating" it. I ended up order a cake, pizza and fried chicken online. Then me and my son eat the food and pretended we had a celebration, pretending it was 3 of us still, because it did feel Sam was there too. Then we watched tv. At least I was able to be distracted for a while. When my son was already sleeping, I continue my crying... but I survive my first anniversary without my husband. 

 

[Monaron]

Ahhhhhhhhh that good . Your doing good. Its hard but you did what you needed to do for you son. he needed that more sweet. We keep putting one foot in front of the other. we grieve as we must and we rejoice in each moment of respite from grieving . even if its for a moment. that how we live right now moment to moment, but my hope is that our moment grow and we have more peaceful moments in the future. Hugs and you did well sweet. 

[Missy1]

That was very difficult, I know our anniversary was two weeks after he died. I was a mess, I wanted to die and be with him or just not in pain anymore. I feel for you, it is so hard, we have to keep on going for others. I feel like my life has become very small and mechanical.
He was the magic that made my life good, he inspired me to be dynamic. Before I met him I was spiraling downward, I had given up hope in meeting a good man.  I hope you are doing a little better today. Grief is exhausting, try to rest and treat yourself and your son to something good.