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Dey

Lost my husband suddenly...

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Monaron

I have a place where people gather in a virtual service. All are real people including the minister and I need this right now. We are the church , not a building. So let the president or anyone else say we cant gather because if we have faith we will find a way. I go and hear live music, the word of God and words from he minister that always seem to touch me.  its the one place I can come where I find comfort. Now Im not saying that real gatherings is not important because it is, but for me I gather with a group of people who believe and get comfort from that. Im 8 weeks grieving now and I needed something and found it through God. 

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KayC
12 hours ago, foreverhis said:

The president's claim that he'd "override" the governors is simply bluster.  Some people seem to think that he could use emergency powers for that, but it's not true.  The emergency powers as written are very narrowly defined.  Even when the state and local governments give the go ahead, it will be up to places of worship to decide what's right for them and their congregations.

I realize that.  That's why I said:

 

22 hours ago, KayC said:

we are waiting for the governor to address it

I don't feel I can be without church indefinitely.  Church is more than just faith, it's also the fellowship of other believers.  There is a lot to it, that's why the Bible says not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together.  Of course we never had COVID-19 in Bible times, but I miss church and my friends there more than I can express.  They are family.  Some are shut in with their family, I am not, being alone day after day for 2 1/2 months has been tough.  The phone doesn't even ring any more.

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foreverhis

@KayC  Hi Kay.  I just wanted to put that out there because there's been so much confusion about it.  So many people think that the president does have that authority that it's causing quite a lot of anger.  And IMO (and most people's, I think) anger has no place in bringing people together for services.  We're naturally all frustrated and distraught at times, which is an entirely different thing.  But when people arm up and go storming in demanding that places of worship be allowed to open, I shake my head and wonder how they can reconcile the peace and comfort of church with brandishing fire arms and threatening people's lives.

I think that places of worship are far more essential than, say, bars or hair salons or sporting events, so I hope that the state and local governments will address it sooner, rather than later.  Putting restrictions and requirements such as face masks, no sharing/bare hands for communion, non-contact fellowship moments, etc. would go a long way toward making it safer. 

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foreverhis
2 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't feel I can be without church indefinitely.  Church is more than just faith, it's also the fellowship of other believers.  There is a lot to it, that's why the Bible says not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together.  Of course we never had COVID-19 in Bible times, but I miss church and my friends there more than I can express.  They are family.  Some are shut in with their family, I am not, being alone day after day for 2 1/2 months has been tough.  The phone doesn't even ring any more.

These past few months really have tested us, haven't they?  Everyone, but especially those of us shut in alone.  I'm sorry to hear that you aren't even hearing from them these days.  I hope that you are able to safely return to your fellowship soon.

I get quite irked when people whine about not being able to go out to dinner or a bar or to get their hair cut, etc.  Sure, we all want to be able to do that safely.  But let's address more urgent needs and how to do things safely there first.  Places of worship and schools top my list.

And I truly wasn't "calling you out" on the president and his "orders."  But there really has been so much confusion causing extreme anger as well as nasty snark, that I think it's important we all keep clear on who is responsible for what, besides of course our personal responsibility toward others.  I also think that local governments should have some say so in it, while keeping in mind that the virus doesn't honor city, county, or state lines or country borders.  What affects one, affects all at this point. 

I do wish some of the more insistent religious leaders wouldn't spout things like, "God will protect us from the virus" (like the one I saw on television who "blew" on the virus and told his congregation they were safe) or "We're going to gather and hug and have physical contact no matter what anyone says" (disregarding statistics and science).  That's selfish and these days endangers the lives of others.  Not only that it denies that with free will and freedom come the responsibilities of selflessness, compassion and concern for the lives of others.

I think it's going to take a long time to find a balance again.

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KayC
On 5/24/2020 at 10:59 AM, foreverhis said:

I also think that local governments should have some say so in it

Absolutely!  Who knows better than our local gov't how things are here and if it's ready, and if so, how much?  I try to look at things from all sides.  Our pastor posted something on FB yesterday, it helped people see the quandary they are in...

 

On 5/24/2020 at 10:59 AM, foreverhis said:

I think it's going to take a long time to find a balance again.

For sure.  And things may very well never be entirely the same again.  

pastoral quandary.jpg

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Monaron

Nothing is never the same. As people settle into their own routines they think or feel nothing changes, but in fact all changes all the time. We have changed in our grieving. We are not the same people we were before and so why do we think because of this big mess called a virus all will go back to normal./ What is normal? Listen to the song by Quincy Jones. (Everything must change). I don know of his life but he speaks of this in the song. This was one of our favorite songs to listen to. Little did I know how it would apply to my life now. The one thing I have learned is that nothing is constant  or unchanging in life but God. Right now its me and God and I see it that way. Maybe in this grieving process and make no mistake Im still here, I will come through a better person. That does not mean things will be great, but changed and just maybe I will be a better person. God bless to all. 

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Dey

I've been down these past few days. I never thought that my family whom I thought were supportive, they have disagreement with my decision. They thought it's not good to live on my own and with me and my son only, they want me to live and move back to my parent's house. I mean, I'm an adult, I have my own place, relatively financial independent, but still they want me to move back and live with my parent? I don't think so. It's so hard being a widow in asian culture. It might not really bother me if the one talking is not my close family. 

 

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Monaron

Sweet Dey, What I have found is that in these days that we are going through catering and listening to all who think what is best for us. You are a grown women and that has not changed . What has changed is now your are a grown widow raising a son on your ow. Its a hard road but its your road. Moving back with any family is beyond my thinking. You need to find  your way with your son without interference. You know what is best for both of you. ITs hard enough to be a woman and I hear what you are saying about being an Asian women, but we all come from somewhere. Everyone. so do what is best for you and your son. Family means well but they do not always know what is best for you. They know you are the girl before marriage and a home of your own. Your no longer that girl Now your re a grown woman with a son who need to be loved and to learn about his father in the best way. Who better than you to teach him. Hand strong what ever that means and God bless. Sending a big hug!

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Dey

Thank you @Monaron for the encouragement. I know they meant well, but I also know I can't do what they expect me to do. At down time like this I really wish my husband are still here with me, he's my biggest supporter, my rock. <<hugs>>

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KayC

Stick to your guns.  I agree with Monaron, you know best.  Follow what you know is right for you and your son.  They raised you but now must trust you to do the right thing.  I wish they weren't tearing at you, I know that's hard.  (((hugs)))

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Missy1

@Dey I can relate to that at first my parents wanted to either move in with me or for me to consider moving in with them. I am a grown woman I have my life I’ve been independent since I was 18 and even if I have to move, I will remain independent!

This is important, we are  going to struggle there’s no doubt that. It’s going to be difficult. We have to do this, we must learn how to survive on our own. They mean well, but you must remain strong for you and your Son.

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foreverhis
On 5/25/2020 at 1:54 PM, KayC said:

For sure.  And things may very well never be entirely the same again.  

To be honest, I hope some things never are the same again.  For many, this crisis has been eye-opening in good ways by being more aware of the least among us, of those who are alone or lonely (not necessarily the same thing), of the need to think of others before we think of ourselves.  It's a reminder that, to steal from JFK, we all inhabit this small planet, we all breathe the same air, we all cherish our children's futures. 

I am not particularly hopeful that there will be large changes, but even small ones can make a big difference.  I am not particularly hopeful that this country can become fully united, in part because social media allows people to be their worst selves and remain anonymous.  Speaking face to face and looking in someone's eyes reminds us that we are all human.  Technology is a boon, no doubt about it, but it has made some of society nastier, meaner, and almost tribal.  But maybe, just maybe, some of us will realize that it's not just destructive to our "enemies," but to our very souls.  Yesterday, I read a post on FB that went something like this, "Members-of-specific-political-party aren't human.  They're an infestation of animals.  We need to eradicate them from the planet as painfully as possible."   Perhaps it was just written for the shock value, but such extreme speech, free though it may be, is often needed to wake up some people from their complacency.

Then there's the simply practical.  Because of our health conditions, my husband and I became moderate germaphobes.  We used to have sanitizing hand wipes with us all the time, washed our hands often, wouldn't be around people we knew were sick, etc.  A friend of mine was the same way.  We would sometimes be teased about it.  I looked at my friend the other day--while we were attending a socially-distanced birthday gathering (10 ft apart, standing in a circle in the middle of the street)--and said, "I bet no one ever makes fun of us and our hand wipes again!"

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Monaron

today I write in the one place I know others will understand the pain you do not hear in my voice but you see all to well in my writing. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary and I can see my emotions are all  over the place. After 9 week without him it does not seem to get better. Sleep is a escape for a moment. Ive thought of going down to the river walk as we have done in past anniversaries after dinner out, but Im not sure I can emotionally handle it. Our last anniversary was a warm summer evening with a soft breeze and the sun still up but lower in early evening. We walked hand and hand as we always did and talked. I breathed in the air and thought life does not get better than this. I felt it for both of us. So relaxed. So in love still. Now I face it alone and my emotions seem to be so overwhelmed right now. Im crying again more with less none crying time and I know it has something to do with this mark in time. He should be here simply planning dinner out and a walk in the park by the river. Breathing sometimes hurts. Sometimes I think Im going insane. rest in peace my sweet love and know those memories are with me all the time. 

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Missy1

Those special milestones are so very difficult and painful to navigate. Our 26th wedding anniversary was two weeks after my husband died. I hid away in my house and cried,I had dark thoughts of wanting to be with him. My grief was overwhelming and I know it’s wrong. I try to live with gratitude, but my heart and soul are with him, how can one celebrate anything, I wonder to myself.

 

 

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KayC

@Monaron  Wedding anniversaries were always hard for me too...I don't know how to do them, also Valentine's Day, his birthday, his death day.  I hope thoughts of the love you shared fills you as you remember the love you shared and do still.  Sending you thoughts of comfort and peace as you go through this day...

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/02/grief-rituals-can-help-on-valentines.html (see the links in it)

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/h.html

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foreverhis
On 5/30/2020 at 10:15 PM, Monaron said:

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary and I can see my emotions are all  over the place. After 9 week without him it does not seem to get better. Sleep is a escape for a moment. Ive thought of going down to the river walk as we have done in past anniversaries after dinner out, but Im not sure I can emotionally handle it.

Of course your emotions are going here and there and back again.  At 9 weeks, your grief and loss are still so new, so raw, and so all-encompassing.  I'm not sure how this will come out, but it will almost certainly not get better for quite some time.  I don't say this to frighten you or make you feel worse, but in the hope that you will allow yourself all the time you need now, without worrying about how or when you should/will "get better."  Please do not focus too far down the road as I've found that to be too painful and confusing.  Just getting out of bed each day is a triumph for you right now.  Time, lots of time, is starting to help me learn to carry my love and my pain, to make my grief part of my life, rather than all of it.  I am finding more reasons to remember the good and the joyful.  I am discovering more bits of light and hope.

I strongly urge you not to subject yourself to the things you did for your anniversaries--unless you are positive it will bring comfort and not spiral you down further into the dark.  I have not yet had a special day where I did the things we used to do.  Our anniversary had been just 3 weeks before my love died.  He was in the hospital and things were dire.  We were coming to grips with understanding that he wasn't going to make it to the next treatment.  So when the next one came around, nearly a year having gone by, I planned nothing at all.  I figured that spending the day at home alone surrounded by our life together was all I'd be able to handle.  That morning a friend who lives nearby texted and asked if I thought I might be up to a little walk to our nearby nature preserve.  It was the first nice day we'd had in nearly a month (summer on the coast here is cold and foggy most of the time until mid to late September).  Actually, I had talked to my husband the night before and said, "Send me a beautiful sunny day, okay?  I've been in the cold and damp for almost a month.  I need the sun."  I wondered if he heard me.  Anyway, I texted back that I would, but she would have been equally understanding if I said no.  So we took a walk in the rare sun and warmth.  I talked as I was able and she listened, gently asking a question or two.  We sat and talked about faith (not religion), spirituality, nature, and our firm belief in something mysterious that lies beyond this life.  It was helpful. 

It might be best if you don't think about what tomorrow will be for you.  Let the day unfold as it will and have no preconception about what you should be doing or feeling.  If you decide that going to the river walk would be comforting or restorative, then do that.  If you feel it would be too much, then don't and do not think for one moment that you are letting yourself or your love down.  On most special days I've been through so far, I've learned to have no expectations for myself or anyone else.

Please know, above all, that we will be thinking of you and sending you all the love and comfort in the world to help you through the day. ((hugs))

 

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KayC

George and I always spent our anniversaries at the same place we did our honeymoon...at the coast in this quaint unique motel.  It had windows to the west, south and north so quite a view and it was very quiet, we loved it.  It had nooks in the windows where we could sit and watch the waves.   

When he died, I was going to go ahead and go to that place on our anniversary...but I just couldn't.  Now all these years later it is gone.  I feel sad about that, but perhaps it would have been too hard...it was a special place, now it exists only in my memory..

I hope you did okay, I know how hard it can be.                                   

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Monaron

thank you Kay for you words. I did stay home. I could not bring myself nor did I have the energy to go where we went on our anniversary's. I looked at the picture of us last year and it was like yesterday and my heart just could not take going there. I stayed home. did much crying. I just curled up on the couch and didn't do anything. Passing time away . Knowing it would end and another day would come. The same as last. I kept on saying to myself it just another day, but its not. Its a mile stone in our life that I will never have again. I pray  a lot and I pray for all those grieving. We are not the same people we were before. God bless to all. 

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KayC

Monaron,

You are right, it is a milestone we will never have again.  This discussion has made me realize it is just as well that the place we always went to/celebrated it's okay that it's gone, it would never be the same again anyway without him here.  It's almost like it's being destroyed is an acknowledgement of that.  At first it hit me hard, but now I realize it's just another thing...not the same without him in it.

Thank you for the prayers for everyone here, I pray also for everyone.  No, we're not the same as before.  (((hugs)))

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foreverhis
1 hour ago, KayC said:

This discussion has made me realize it is just as well that the place we always went to/celebrated it's okay that it's gone, it would never be the same again anyway without him here. 

I could not agree more.  There are special places that I will never visit again because it won't be the same and would hurt so much.  This is one of the things some people don't understand, though fortunately many do.  My love wanted his ashes to be ultimately scattered a specific place that is special to us.  Right now, aside from the fact that it's costly to get there, I simply can't fathom being there and "letting him go" yet again.  A few friends have mentioned it and I've simply said, "No, I really can't afford it at this point," which is true, but the reality is that I can't do it.  At first I thought that made me weak, but then I realized it's not a weakness to know ourselves well enough to not intentionally make our hearts break even more.

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Monaron

yes. I will scatter his ashes but not now. I simply cant. Some do not understand and think I should have a burial he di don't want. All in time when I can. That maybe a long time from now. For now they sit on my living room console and there they will stay until I can step forward but that is going to take time. God bless all

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KayC
18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

it's not a weakness to know ourselves well enough to not intentionally make our hearts break even more.

This!  So true.

7 hours ago, Monaron said:

I will scatter his ashes but not now.

Nothing wrong with that, you will know if/when the time is right...and you just may want to keep them with you, that's okay too.  It's not up to someone else and you shouldn't owe them any explanation, this is individual/personal.

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Missy1
On 6/2/2020 at 10:48 PM, Monaron said:

yes. I will scatter his ashes but not now. I simply cant. Some do not understand and think I should have a burial he di don't want. All in time when I can. That maybe a long time from now. For now they sit on my living room console and there they will stay until I can step forward but that is going to take time. God bless all

Me to, I love that I have his ashes. I gave some to his daughter she spread them at a beach the day I gave them to her. I cannot part with them yet. My hope is that our ashes will be buried together!

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Monaron

Yes, I take comfort in knowing I have his ashes. In my faith I know he is not there but what remains of him in life, but its part of him. Im not sure when I wil scatter his ashes ,but I do know its not now. My prayer is that someday I will know when and if! God bless 

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AnnaT

I lost my husband who was the love of my life, my best friend and companion on May 29,2020. He lost his battle with lung cancer very suddenly. I feel like I lost the ground from under my feet. The time has stopped. I feel this enormous hole in my heart. We were inseparable for 20 years, and now.... there’s nothing.
I have my family and friends who are very supportive but it’s not enough. I feel constant almost physical pain every minute of the day. I miss hearing his voice. 
I found his voice mails on my phone which I keep listening to........ and I cry. 
 



 

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