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Dey

Lost my husband suddenly...

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Monaron

I went back to teaching on line and for a short period of time Im focused on my students and do ok, but the moment Im done I fall apart. He would be home and cooking dinner while I finished teaching and I could something good and think oh boy we get to have another great dinner in a few. Now there is nothing cooking and no sound of him banging around the kitchen and it is killing me. There is no more kissing him good night before I go to bed earlier and kissing him when he comes to bed. ITs all so empty now and useless, but I keep praying and keep hoping that someday there will be peace and only good memories. 

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Dey

Deep inside maybe I know that there's nothing more I could do that day, but still I can't help thinking about if only. The regrets are eating me. Now seeing people around me continue with their lives, planning what to do after the isolation, etc makes me thinking back and reminiscing the life I used to have, my life back then. 

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Monaron

Yes, I think we all want our life back then and in hind site do it even better, but I think few get that chance. Some do and survive terrible things but we are not the ones who did. Hugs and know your not alone in the journey we call grief.

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KayC

I went back to work a high stress job two weeks after George died.  I asked my boss to check my work as perfection is required and my brain was foggy.  I would have to hit the bathroom to cry at times.  They were all very understanding.  Unfortunately my job ended within a year and I had to look for another job in the start of the recession and faced age discrimination for the first time in my life.  :(  I lost my job two more times before calling it good and taking early retirement.

The place I worked last had not a clue about grief or loss of spouse.  The worst job I ever worked...made it easy to retire.

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peach_2003

The District Manager of my store knows exactally what I am going through she lost her husband 3 years ago at the end of this month. He was sick for a few months and she was off work the entire time looking after him I helped run the business while she was away. she has been super supportive. The owner of the business doesn't know how it is to lose a spouse but he still understands and has been very nice about me taking time off. The few other supervisors that I work with don't know what to say but they have all been nice as the rest of my staff. I am going back next Thursday  I am looking forward to not being stuck in my apartment alone I kno he w it will be hard at first but I am hoping that it will get easier at least at work as for being alone in this apartment I don't know if it will ever get easier. I just miss my husband so very much

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KayC

I'm glad for you!  As hard as it was to think on the job, I found it preferable to coming home where everything was a reminder of his absence.

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peach_2003

same with me I think it would be preferable to be at work. thee isn't so many reminders of him there not like at home.

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Missy1

I find distractions are good but when they are done, it’s like the dam breaks and the grief comes flooding in that was held at bay. It’s funny that way, I feel it’s inescapable, not surprising. When someone is that Connected to you of course you will constantly thinking about them as you did when they were alive. 

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Dey
38 minutes ago, Missy1 said:

I find distractions are good but when they are done, it’s like the dam breaks and the grief comes flooding in that was held at bay. It’s funny that way, I feel it’s inescapable, not surprising. When someone is that Connected to you of course you will constantly thinking about them as you did when they were alive. 

I feel the same Missy.. when I have distractions I can temporarily not focus on my grieving. But it's just temporary. When the tasks are done all comes back, the missing, the losing, the emptiness... 

 

 

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A Wilson

I just found out that I have to continue to work from home, which is extremely difficult because for me work has always been a healthy distraction from things period. So now I have to sit at home where my husband passed having that constant image in my mind. I have no other outlet because of this covid situation. I talk with my family on the phone but it's not like leaving the house to do something that can occupy my mind for longer periods of time. This is what makes grieving so much harder because of the constant thinking and reminders. I need to find something else to do. Going for walks isn't helping right now. 

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Monaron

I work form home also. While Im working there is a time I ca n concentrate on something else, but as soon as Im finished the dam breaks and Im crying again. I find that those who are in contact with me seem to want me to be over this grieving after 8 weeks and get on with it. I have to ask , get on with what? My days and nights were filled with him. even if we both were doing something else in the house we were there together and that was my comfort and feeling safe. Now its me and I have to admit I have days I seem to wonder around looking for some source of comfort. The only thing I have found so far is his jacket still hanging where he left it last. IT still smells like him and for some odd reason I get comfort if only for moment burring my head in it. I look in the mirror and I cry again because all I see is a face of great sorrow looking back at me and I feel almost disconnected to her. 

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Missy1

@Monaron your words echo my exact thoughts. I don’t know that person in the mirror either. I don’t feel loved or relevant anymore. I feel like the person who gave me life is gone thus I am gone. I am a leftover from a life that does not exist. Living is a chore, each day is a burden. I am still tumbling down into darkness, there is no cure or reason in my meaningless existence.

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Dey
7 hours ago, Monaron said:

I find that those who are in contact with me seem to want me to be over this grieving after 8 weeks and get on with it. I have to ask , get on with what? My days and nights were filled with him. even if we both were doing something else in the house we were there together and that was my comfort and feeling safe.

Oh Monaron.. this is exactly how I feel too. People around me expect me to get over soon an be normal as before. But how can I? It's still fresh for me, but I guess not for them. Maybe for those people, a month and so it the time limit for grieving. 

3 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I don’t know that person in the mirror either. I don’t feel loved or relevant anymore.

Me neither. I see my reflection is unknown, hollow person. Dead eyes, no life, no excitement, no hope. It feels like the day my husband died, he took away my life and happiness too with him... 

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Dey

Finally I can have small meet up with goodfriends, ofc we do all the procedures for covid19 with social distancing and all. I'm happy I finally meet them, miss them a lot, although I can't lie there's some uneasiness, the feeling that I no longer fit in. Our group (used to) consist of 3 couples (husband and wives), but now I'm a widow, it just feels strange. They treat me the same though, they lost their friend, my husband, too, so they are supportive, it just me feeling out of place. 

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foreverhis
30 minutes ago, Dey said:

Finally I can have small meet up with goodfriends, ofc we do all the procedures for covid19 with social distancing and all. I'm happy I finally meet them, miss them a lot,

Isn't it interesting how we're all trying to find whatever ways we can to be "together" while being safe too?

I was standing at the front gate yesterday sipping my coffee and moping.  Our friends across the street were out front so I waved over and said hi.  Then I heard this voice ask, "Are those your slippers or your husband's?"  (When I get the mail or just wander the yard, I wear his outdoor slippers on over my little indoor slipper socks; perfect fit and one more part of him I'm not willing to let go of just yet. But they do look like I'm a kid playing dress up.)  It was another friend who had walked up from a few blocks down.  She was sitting behind a couple of big succulents, so I hadn't seen her there.  The two of them were having a socially-distanced cup of coffee and chat.  They said I should bring my coffee and come over.  So my friend got another deck chair, spaced them 8 ft apart, and we all sat talking and sipping coffee, together, yet safely distanced.

Another friend and I have been baking together one afternoon a week for nearly a year now.  At the end of the day, we would fix dinner together and his wife (also a dear friend) and their dog (my 12 lb sanity love, who visits 3 or 4 afternoons per week now) would join us.  It was one of the first regular activities I managed to do, so it was really important to me.  As a side note, these are the friends who lost their daughter at birth and so understand deep grief.  They have been amazing, knowing when to nudge a little, when to be quiet and simply listen, and when to back off. 

Anyway, when the shelter-at-home orders came down locally 9 weeks ago, we pondered what we could do.  All of us were very much onboard with following the rules for everyone's benefit.  We worked out a routine where we email or call to plot the week's baking.  Then we divide up the tasks and settle on a time to swap stuff.  I have a bread machine, which we use to make some of the doughs, but he does all the work kneading, shaping, and baking the loaves.  I usually make a sweet treat like a coffee cake or dessert bread, along with small things like biscuits or rolls.  I put a small clean table on the porch, then load it with bowls of the doughs and whatever else he's picking up.  He comes over and takes them home (across the street and down one house, so not difficult).  Then he comes back over with whatever he's dropping off for me, usually including the dog.  We text back and forth about how things are going and sometimes talk on the phone a bit.  Later on, we divide the baked items and do the reverse.  We almost always have enough to share, so I'll portion out slices of this and that or put a couple of biscuits in a container and walk them over to whoever is on the "extras for you" rotation that day. 

I've realized how lucky we all are to be so close.  My entire small circle of friends live within 5 minutes walk of each other.  What a blessing.

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Missy1

Good! It will be great to get out. My couples friends did not work out to well for me, they were new friends to us, that might be why. Sounds like you were all very tight. Happy for you.

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Missy1

@foreverhis That sounds amazing, I used to live in a country neighborhood like that, we moved to AZ Almost 2 years ago. We had not had a chance to make friends, this neighborhood is not friendly either. I miss my old house, my good neighbors. I feel like he abandoned me here, in this caustic place. You are truly blessed..

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Dey
2 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Good! It will be great to get out. My couples friends did not work out to well for me, they were new friends to us, that might be why. Sounds like you were all very tight. Happy for you.

In some way meeting friends is good distractions for some period of time. But still I can't help feeling out of place now, I'm no longer fit the dynamics, maybe it's just me feeling odd. I keep on remembering that it used to me and husband meeting them, now it's only me. Losing my husband requires big adjustment... 

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I've realized how lucky we all are to be so close.  My entire small circle of friends live within 5 minutes walk of each other.  What a blessing.

Lucky you.. although mine are quite ok, but we're not close. I'm not really a social person actually, but I'm glad I have good neighbors, at least we're respect each other. 

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foreverhis

I should probably clarify.  My small circle of basically life-long friends and most of my small family live 3 to 5 hours away.  Our daughter lives with our granddaughter in Seattle.  Our local friends are newer, which makes it easier for me in some ways.  While they miss him, they also don't have decades of history with us.  As I am able, they want to hear our stories.  This is helping me bring bits of light back into my life.

Most of us have been neighbors for years.  We were casual acquaintances until about 6 years ago when our across the street friends, then our only actual friends on the street, hosted a holiday block party.  Everyone came and had a great time  After that, we all started getting to know each other a little more and had get-togethers every few months.  When my husband was going through treatment and in and out of the hospital those last few months, everyone stepped up.  It was almost as if our crisis made everyone realize how precious life is and how fragile.  We're all in the same age group with similar backgrounds, so that helps too.   It was an unexpected grace in our lives and now they are a support system that my family and life-long friends have all said makes them feel a tiny bit better about being so far away.

It's especially important to them now because all of their spring visits had to be cancelled.  We hope to be able to reschedule some for later in the summer, but we'll have to see how it goes.  I am lucky in my friends both old and new.

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Monaron

you are all very lucky in the sense of having good friends ,people in your life. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but unfortunately this is not my case. ein Germany I live in a small town and socializing over coffee is not something done. I have met my neighbors and they all are very nice people, but they keep their distance and if you go out and see one you may get a hello. Our friends here in Germany are all hours away and cannot travel at this point so they cannot come to me. I do have one person, the oldest daughter of my husbands brother that did come and visits with her boyfriend and stayed for a while. IT was a wonderful thing to see them and to have an human being come near me. You see as humans I believe most of us need others and to go for weeks on end and be alone to have nothing but your self and what your going through to think about is unbearable. I pray that this virus lifts and that I have someone to visit with even if occasionally. God bless you all and I hope your support system keeps growing and gives you comfort. 

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KayC

After the president announced churches were essential and to reopen, we are waiting for the governor to address it, they may reopen in a week but wearing masks and keeping distance.  It's s suggestion but I'd prefer it as a requirement as I am still afraid of getting this and any loosening reins is bound to have some resurgence.  It only takes one for it to spread.  

But I am very much missing family and friends, including church.  Going to my granddaughter's 5th birthday party Tuesday/Wednesday, it's in one of the hotter spots in Oregon so won't stop anywhere but my son's.

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Missy1

Even when things open up, life will never be the same, this virus left it’s mark on the world. To us who are grieving, for many of us, it made our lives more isolated and painful. We were locked away, many of having nothing but our own thoughts and only dead air to return our cries for help, finding no comfort.

I feel like my mental state is not heathy, I live in the past every day. I want to hold on to everything I can from my old life. He spent his life with me and made me whole. 
Here is Arizona, many restaurants, pubs and shops and open but I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything. I prefer to stay in my cage, locked away with my husband’s memories, the only place I feel safe.

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foreverhis
20 hours ago, Monaron said:

. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but unfortunately this is not my case. ein Germany

You don't sound melodramatic at all.  Not even a tiny bit.  I can only imagine how hard it is for you right now and wish we could all be there to give you hugs and comfort.

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foreverhis
10 hours ago, KayC said:

After the president announced churches were essential and to reopen, we are waiting for the governor to address it,

I do not mean this to be political, it's a simple statement of fact.  The president does not have the authority to determine what's considered an essential service.  That's entirely up to the state and local governments.  The president's claim that he'd "override" the governors is simply bluster.  Some people seem to think that he could use emergency powers for that, but it's not true.  The emergency powers as written are very narrowly defined.  Even when the state and local governments give the go ahead, it will be up to places of worship to decide what's right for them and their congregations.

I imagine that it is difficult having services virtually, rather than in person, but I think it's also important to remember that "church" is not a place, but rather a way of experiencing faith.  That faith is anywhere and everywhere.

My concern is that places of worship have been hot spots.  Already there have been clusters and spikes directly attributed to places of worship reopening for in-person services.  Several have shut down and gone back to virtual services instead.  It's tough no matter how we look at it.  Church is so often a refuge from the troubles of the world, yet now the trouble can come right in the door with us.

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Missy1

Any place where people gather like schools, bars etc are hot beds. Churches give people hope they are places that bring comfort and are important to every community. I hope they come back very soon.

i won’t get all religions here, but I believe in God and gathering in person to worship is powerful. 

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