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Dey

Lost my husband suddenly...

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KayC
18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I guess maybe I was lucky that I was able to do my Social Security interview by phone

I did my filing by phone years later but I was there to furnish them a copy of George's death certificate which has to be done in person, by appointment.  They should train their people in sensitivity since they deal with this all of the time.

Peach, Maybe the dream is a visitation, IDK.  I am so sorry you weren't given a chance to see him before they closed the casket.  So unfair for the parents to make all the decisions, you, his wife, should have had the main say.

Monaron, I would not have a clue what to do if in a foreign country.  The only other language I ever took was Spanish and I never felt confident to use it but it did come in handy with one job as 1/3 of our workforce was Hispanic and most did not speak English.  I will be glad for you when the red tape is past.  Yes and I wish for you compassion, don't know where it is nowadays.

 

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Dey
17 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I don’t know I read that some times dreaming is just that other times we visited by them in another realm. I dreamt agin of him the other night. We were just hanging out and chatting and laughing together. It was so great I woke up feeling very close to him.

If only I can set what kind of dream, when I want it, then I would be happy. I don't care if it just a dream, so long as I can meet my husband again, I'm willing. Unfortunately I don't even have any power even to do that. I still miss my husband, and not able to see him again, even only in dreams.

13 hours ago, Monaron said:

So many papers all in German and I have to translate everything and some I still don't get. everyone wants something. How about some compassion. Yes that is what Im asking for some compassion without having to send you his death certificate or sign papers. 

《Hug》

I can't be much help about the papers, I know nothing about German Language. Yes, i feel dealing with "real life" stuff after my husband no longer here need sorme extra energy.  

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Dey

Today marks 40th days after Sam's death. I never thought I'd survive this far, 40 days went by, so fast yet so slow. I arranged small online ceremonial gathering, only family and close friends. Father in laws said, the mourning time is over now, I have to start living again, continue with "normal" life now. Maybe he meant well, or maybe that's the norm, but I'm not ready yet. I don't know when or if I will be ready. What 40 days, 100 days or any days after all? For me it's all the same. I'm still missing my husband the same every day. I know it's not the same for everyone. 

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KayC

40 days is insane to expect you to be over it or move on from it.  Shocking lack of comprehension of what grief entails.  ESPECIALLY for a spouse!

6 hours ago, Dey said:

I don't care if it just a dream, so long as I can meet my husband again

Me too, wish I could get dreams of him whenever I want.

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peach_2003

I wish that I could dream about my sweet husband every night to talk to him every night. I told him not to haunt me but I wish I hadn't done that I wish I told him to haunt me all he wanted so that he would be with me right beside me right now. 

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foreverhis
11 hours ago, KayC said:

I was there to furnish them a copy of George's death certificate which has to be done in person

Maybe it's changed over time or maybe it's different by state, but the funeral home transmitted my husband's death certificate information to Social Security electronically so it was already on file.  They did want an original from me, but had me send it with the signed form. 

Regardless, for me it was one of the defining moments in having the reality of losing him thrown in my face.  Even though the representative was extremely kind and considerate, he had to ask questions that stabbed me in the heart.  I broke down crying at a couple of points.  He was wise enough to not offer any platitudes, but instead quietly told me he was sorry I was going through this, to take my time, and if I needed to stop we could finish later, even giving me his direct extension so I wouldn't have to go through the phone process again.

I'm beginning to think I lucked out that he was so compassionate.

 

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jwahlquist
2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Maybe it's changed over time or maybe it's different by state, but the funeral home transmitted my husband's death certificate information to Social Security electronically so it was already on file.  They did want an original from me, but had me send it with the signed form. 

Regardless, for me it was one of the defining moments in having the reality of losing him thrown in my face.  Even though the representative was extremely kind and considerate, he had to ask questions that stabbed me in the heart.  I broke down crying at a couple of points.  He was wise enough to not offer any platitudes, but instead quietly told me he was sorry I was going through this, to take my time, and if I needed to stop we could finish later, even giving me his direct extension so I wouldn't have to go through the phone process again.

I'm beginning to think I lucked out that he was so compassionate.

 

All of those questions sucked.   I believe funeral home notified social security in my husband’s case as well.  But I still took everything in to the office before all of the lockdown stuff happened so the lady that called me had almost everything she needed.   My daughter qualifies for survivor benefits.  For me she had them calculate it monthly rather than yearly as then I could claim for July & August the two months I don’t get paid by the school district.  I make too much money to be able to claim otherwise.  The lady I talked to was nice.  She gave me her direct line and told me to call if I ever needed help with our claims.  I absolutely hate that we need that money but we do.  My husband made twice what I did a month.   So living on 1/3 of the salary with an almost teenager would be tough without it.  I will be able to pay my house off but I still have to put away at least $400 a month for property taxes. 

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KayC

I didn't use a funeral home, George's funeral was held at our church.  But the soc. sec. office told me I had to come in, in person.  It was maybe a week after he died.  I honestly hope that lady isn't working there anymore.  Funny how people can make or break you.  I didn't get any money from them except I think $60 "for burial."  Wow is that outdated!  

The property taxes sure vary from one state to the next.  In our state we continue paying even if elderly.  In my friend's state (IL) she doesn't have to pay property taxes.

 

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A Wilson

Today like every day is so very hard. It's been 14 days and I can barely walk around. The only reason I get up is to feed my son and my dog. I don't want to eat but I force myself to try to keep my energy up. This heaviness in my heart is unimaginable. I've always considered myself strong and independent but this is something that has humbled me. There's so much to do and think about. The regret is overwhelming me. The fact that my dreams for the future with my husband are gone. I'm fortunate enough to be able to work from home, so I can deal with this in private with my family and close friends. God help me with through this.  

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Missy1

I still after 3.5 months I cry multiple times daily, have anxiety attacks and fear, I can’t make it without him in my life. I feel the ache in my heart and in my gut. I agree, no future, I don’t want to go or do anything without him, it just makes me sad he is not here to share with me. Sick, sad is how I feel every day. I manage to get through each day, it’s very gray, without joy. 
We have no choice...trapped here

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peach_2003

I feel the same way missy I don't want to live without my husband and cry many times a day. its been extreamly hard and I don't think it will ever get better

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Missy1

I think about how people’s life stories are written everyday as we live, our experiences shape us as we create memories and dream of a future, with our family. I think about how none us imagined this ending, we are cheated by death.
We never signed up for this dark ending, yet here we are, it surreal and unacceptable!!

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peach_2003

I keep thinking about how he used to watch star trek and the machines that they put people in too heal diseases and him telling me that we should have that now. How I wish that were so. How I wish they could just put you in a machine to correct the disease that is killing you or making you sick so that you can live a long life and not die and leave your loved ones all alone.

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Dey
1 hour ago, Missy1 said:

I still after 3.5 months I cry multiple times daily, have anxiety attacks and fear, I can’t make it without him in my life. I feel the ache in my heart and in my gut. I agree, no future, I don’t want to go or do anything without him, it just makes me sad he is not here to share with me. Sick, sad is how I feel every day. I manage to get through each day, it’s very gray, without joy. 
We have no choice...trapped here

Yes, i live day by day, moment by moment, but my life is bleak now.. it used to be vibrant, not anymore. 

1 hour ago, peach_2003 said:

I feel the same way missy I don't want to live without my husband and cry many times a day. its been extreamly hard and I don't think it will ever get better

Same, what better then? If it means I continue living, well yes I have too, I have no other choice anyway. But I'm still crying, still feels lost, still missing my husband.. 

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Dey
1 hour ago, Missy1 said:

I think about how none us imagined this ending, we are cheated by death.
We never signed up for this dark ending, yet here we are, it surreal and unacceptable!!

None of us imagine, want or sign for this, but we still get this ending. 

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Monaron

I think about him every day. His jacket still hangs where he left it before he died. I walk up to it a smell him. For some reason it gives me a small amount of comfort. I also think how did I get here? How did we sharing this grief so intense get her? I don't remember signing up for this dark place called grief. every wehre I go in town I hold it together while Im there ,but when I get inside my car or house I break down. I am going without him. I still cant go tot he larger grocery store he liked. I just cant do it. I go tot eh smaller one that we frequented seldom. I feel over whelmed. so much paper work and thing to take care of and no-one to help. hes gone. hes the one I depended on. Such a dark place we share. Someone how I don't feel Im alone in the grief or feeling. each of us are in this place. How did we get here? 

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Missy1

Sometimes I get a glimpse of understanding in that ultimately, for many of us this is where our faith comes in. I believe however, there are and will always be so many unanswered questions. No one in our world has all the answers we are haunted by these in our sleep and ponder them in the silence.  I to try to avoid places or things that put me back into that dark sad place, I get triggered by unavoidable things like a TV show or a song, a smell, certain foods, etc..

We are forced to float along, alone drifting and surviving till we get to go home to be with them once again. Remembering and holding on to all the good times and love we shared with them will have to keep us going till our time comes.

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foreverhis
12 hours ago, Monaron said:

I also think how did I get here? How did we sharing this grief so intense get her? I don't remember signing up for this dark place called grief.

I thought that way all the time at first.  I still think "I didn't sign up for this" often.

But what I've realized is that, in a way, I did sign up for this.  I understand now that in finding my soulmate and in giving him my whole heart, I had to also accept that one of us would die first.  That one of us would be left alone to carry on for however long is necessary.  In some ways, I'm glad (not the right word, but I can't think of a better one) that I'm the one here now.  Sometimes I ponder how it would have been if something had happened to me.  Would I want him to be going through what I am?  No, definitely not.

The thing that angers me and rips my heart apart even more is that it shouldn't have been now.  We should have had another decade or more together.  That is where my guilt and regret come in.  The "If only..." and the "Why did/didn't I/we/the doctors...?" haunt me to this day and very likely always will.

Yet, even knowing that I'd feel as I do now, that I'd be existing (hardly living is it?) as less than half of who I was, I would still have jumped in and given him my whole self.  If I had that magic do-over, I'd do better, be more loving, kinder, more patient, and just "more" of everything good and that made him and us happy.  There are cliches that are cliches because they are true.  One of them is that the deeper the love, the more painful the loss.  And the day I joined my life with his was the day I signed up for whatever was going to happen as we walked through life together, until one of us was left to walk alone.

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peach_2003

I keep asking myself why didn't they send him to another hospital if they didn't know what they were doing. Why didn't they drain the fluid instead of just letting him fade away. why did I allow his parents to make all of the decisions instead of insisting that they leave and just let me make the decision myself. I wasn't ready to let him go the nurses told me if I wasn't ready I should hang on a little longer but I didn't listen and now I am all alone and feel so guilty I still think if we let him hang on a little longer he would have made it. I wish I also got a second opinion that again was something that his parents wouldn't let me do. 

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Monaron

Peaches know you did your best. You cannot keep beating yourself like we all do with what ifs. if I had seen he was not feeling up to snuff should I have said your going to the doctor. I asked him so many time's and he would say all is good. IF all was good why did I ask? I can keep asking myself, but it will not bring him back. Missy I have those moment of I see my faith. I ask God to forgive me when I fall short or grieve more . Every day I miss him and every day I know I will. I keep praying and keep asking for a way  and strength. I pray someday we all find a place of peace. God bless.

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peach_2003

The thing is he went to the doctor every 4 months because of his heart condition that he had yet it wasn't his heart that was the problem when he went into the hospital he had pancreatitis . He also had just saw the doctor and she said everything was fine which is why I cant understand why they couldn't fix him. 

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A Wilson

I to asked my husband too many times to count was he ok, you really need to see a doctor. You don't look well. He always said I'm fine, although I knew he wasn't. He was in denial. He really wasn't taking care of himself and he thought it was nagging and I told him I wanted him to be around for me and his son. Sometimes you can do and say everything you possibly can and it doesn't change a thing. My family tells me a did everything humanly possible to try to help him get better. I don't see it that way especially the last few months before he passed. I wish I could just hold him and say I love you and I'm going to fight for you even if you won't because I can see what you can't or chose not to see. That is my biggest regret.  I still don't know what ultimately caused his death yet.

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KayC

@foreverhis I felt that way too, I'm glad he's not having to go through this, but it shouldn't have happened at all for at LEAST another twenty years!  So very unfair, but then that's how death is, it's a robber.

@A Wilson  I talked to my husband about switching doctors too but he never did, and I considered him adult enough to make his own decisions, I wish I'd pushed harder.

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Missy1

We made the best decisions we could, with love and respect for them. We will always replay those days or the day that our world forever changed. Now we must pick up the pieces and figure out how we go from here. 

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peach_2003

I am going back to work for a few shifts starting next week they have me on 2 5 hour shifts to start with I know that when I get home expecally after the first few shifts I am going to break down crying because I usually call when I get off work to tell him that I am on the way home and when I get home I usually tell him about my day and all that happened I don't think I am ever going to get used to not being able to do this anymore

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