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Dey

Lost my husband suddenly...

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Christinarosa1968

It is a sign if he wanted pugs and then you saw something about pugs.  I have a pug, they are so cute.

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Missy1

I don’t know what I am going to do either, I feel like I was left behind. I don’t know how to do this whole thing without him because everything we had was in-work. We had a plan for everything, I just can’t follow  through without him. I feel like every day it just gets harder and harder to live here without him!

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Monaron

Oh, Missy. I so understand how you feel.  Im like a robot. Friday ,my husbands brothers daughter is coming to see me. We will meet for the first time. I should be excited. Instead im dead I have no feeling for her coming. No joy. What is wrong with me? I feel dead inside. I see no future ahead. ITs been 8 weeks since I have had any contact with anyone other then text. Now the thought of seeing someone face to face hummm. I wonder if they see the dead in my eyes.

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Monaron

Yes I too have physical problems due tot he prolonged grief and stress. My stomach hurts every time I eat. My heart beat is irregular at times. I find I have little endurance for anything. I worry about the bills, not enough money to stretch. I think about him all the time. My teaching English on line is a god send. For just a few hours my mind is on something else. I get up crying. I go to bed crying. I noticed my skin is dry and I keep having these terrible legs cramps. I think due to not drinking enough. They come suddenly and my leg where it cramping becomes like a rock and the pain is almost unbearable. Im not going to the doctor because I know its al from grieving and not taking care of myself. But why should I? 

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Monaron

thank

you Kay

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Dey

I went to my husband cemetery today. I felt so crushed, cried the whole time, while I was there, on my way back, and continued at home. 

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KayC

I remember crying all the way home from work at the memories....50 miles, sometimes having to pull over for a while.  It's good to get it out though.

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foreverhis
6 hours ago, Dey said:

I felt so crushed, cried the whole time, while I was there, on my way back, and continued at home.

Some things just slap us in the heart and make the pain so fresh.  The month my husband died, our county had had more deaths than usual (no idea why), so the funeral home wasn't able to cremate his body for more than a week.  Though they made the experience of choosing this and that as easy as possible...and boy, isn't "easy" a relative term here?...there were some things that just made me want to throw up.  Like when the director assured me that he would be protected and safe until he could be cremated.  I couldn't help but envision his cancer-ravaged body lying there in some sort of drawer, cold and alone.  Or when the director asked if I wanted to come re-identify his body and see him one more time right before cremation.  No, no way.  I wouldn't have been seeing him; I would have been seeing the body that held him because he was no longer there.

The day I went to pick up his cremains (charming term), I drove myself there.  I signed some papers, the director went over some things with me, and then they brought out the handsome leather cylinder I had chosen for him.  I thought, "This is all that's left of my life" as I carried him to the car.  Then I drove home.  Thank goodness it was only about 4 miles because I sobbed the entire way and could barely see the road.  I was thinking, "I really should have asked a friend to drive me today."  I placed him up on top of our entertainment center in a spot I had chosen because, as I tell people only half-jokingly, "he can keep an eye on me."

Our daughter is still kind of freaked out by the idea that every time I look up, I see him.  But I am comforted by it.  I put a snapshot of him with our granddaughter that I had taken a few months before his diagnosis in a frame in front of him.  It's the way he should be remembered, so happy, so content outdoors by the water with his three best girls that day.

I'm so sorry you are going through this impossibly painful experience.  My heart hurts for you and your son.  Please remember that we understand and will always be here for you.  I wish so much I could reach out and just give you a warm comforting hug.  ((hugs))

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Monaron

This is an impossible time to go through for all of us. I feel like Im in a dreams state. I don't remember ever feeling so alone or sad, or without any hope as now. My husbands god daughter was able to come and visit today with her boyfriend. he mad pizza and to see these young people happy gave me some job until they left then I fell apart again. I thought how sweet would it be if my husband was here and saw this. She told me she's afraid to commit. I told her she's young enjoy being young but there are no guarantees in life. So every Moment must be lived and treasured. I would give anything to talk to my husband after they  left on how sweet they were. made me miss him even more because I know he would have enjoyed it. I keep his ashes on top of a buffet and finds comfort and having them there even though I know its not hi. So I can relate. Dey sweet I so feel in my heart your pain. I wish I could take it away but there is no way. day by day, moment by moment is all we can live right now. 

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Missy1

Today, I kept imagining how wonderful it would be if he came home, how much I would hug and kiss him and hold on to him and  never let him go. How happy he would be to, I know he misses me to wherever he is. The void becomes worse, holding down the fort is not cutting it for me.  The empty days pass by and nothing seems to change. 

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Dey

@KayC @foreverhis @Monaron thank you. It's nice reading comforting words, especially when you're feeling down. <3

I slept for about 10 hours after my visit to him  yesterday. I guess my body need that, grieving is tiring. 

4 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It's the way he should be remembered, so happy, so content outdoors by the water with his three best girls that day

This is how I also want to remember my husband. He's a lively person, very active, a bundle of joy. The one who always made me laugh. 

1 hour ago, Monaron said:

My husbands god daughter was able to come and visit today with her boyfriend. he mad pizza and to see these young people happy gave me some job until they left then I fell apart again. I thought how sweet would it be if my husband was here and saw this. She told me she's afraid to commit. I told her she's young enjoy being young but there are no guarantees in life. So every Moment must be lived and treasured. I would give anything to talk to my husband after they  left on how sweet they were. made me miss him even more because I know he would have enjoyed it. I keep his ashes on top of a buffet and finds comfort and having them there even though I know its not him

It's nice to read you met nice people, his god daughter and her bf. We do need nice distractions once in awhile. I'm trying to do  @KayC 's reply in another thread, try to find joy everyday, however small or stretching it is, try to appreciate more simple things, like laughing at my son's terrible attempt singing rap song, or nice stranger who smile at me when I was shopping for groceries. I hope this can bring more balance to my sad life now. It just that, like you stated too, I wish I can still share anything with my husband, knowing he would also laugh or be happy too. 

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Dey
38 minutes ago, Missy1 said:

Today, I kept imagining how wonderful it would be if he came home, how much I would hug and kiss him and hold on to him and  never let him go. How happy he would be to, I know he misses me to wherever he is. The void becomes worse, holding down the fort is not cutting it for me.  The empty days pass by and nothing seems to change. 

Oh I wish that's reality and not just imagination. I miss welcoming him home, asking how his day was, cooking for him and having meals together, my little family. I miss watching cinema with him sharing popcorn.. I miss sitting beside him while he's driving and we talked about anything, random stuffs or just sing along to songs that broadcasted on radio. Basically I just miss my husband. It's hard, harder everyday Missy. I know, cause I'm feeling it too.

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peach_2003

I dreamt the other night that my husband was still in the hospital and that he was getting better. Only it wasn't the same hospital he as in when he passed away. I wish this was true I wish that he was in the hospital and improving and that I wasn't alone sad and lonely. His dad asked me when he drove me out to the grave on Wednesday if his doctor ever called to apologize for not finding his pancreatitis sooner I asked him why would she call if she called she'd have to admit that she made a mistake. I just wish that I never took him off the rest of his life support stuff. I wish that I told his parents to back off and let the doctors do what they want to do.. 

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jwahlquist
17 hours ago, Dey said:

I went to my husband cemetery today. I felt so crushed, cried the whole time, while I was there, on my way back, and continued at home. 

It felt like a punch in the gut when they called and  asked if I wanted to pick up the urn or if I wanted them to hold it until the memorial service.   But at least I was at home and not trying to drive when I had complete breakdown.  I don’t think I could deal with having to go to a cemetery.   My husband’s urn is on a shelf filled with his collection of World of Warcraft Legos above my computer desk.  

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KayC

I'm glad my sister drove me to pick up George's ashes, I don't think I could have, besides it was about 65 miles away.  I wish I'd had someone drive me to the social security office the day I had an appointment with them.  But I had no idea the stupid lady that I had to deal with would "pronounce my marriage ended by death."  I lost it!  That was so unnecessary and insensitive of her!  Again, probably about 60 miles away, I couldn't see to drive for the tears and snot pouring down my face!  I called a friend and stopped by her place to try and get myself together before driving home.  Of course I use the term "friend" loosely as she hadn't even bothered to come to his funeral and never called to check on me.

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foreverhis
3 hours ago, KayC said:

But I had no idea the stupid lady that I had to deal with would "pronounce my marriage ended by death."  I lost it!  That was so unnecessary and insensitive of her! 

Oh my God!  How on earth could she say something like that?  Aside from the meanness and cruelty, how the heck does she know that?  You and George have a bond that goes beyond this life time.

I guess maybe I was lucky that I was able to do my Social Security interview by phone and that the representative was so kind and thoughtful.  He asked me questions and filled out the form as we went along.  Then he mailed it to me for review and signature.  That was it.

I'm sorry that you got punched in the gut like that by someone who should have been compassionate.

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Dey
21 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

I dreamt the other night that my husband was still in the hospital and that he was getting better. Only it wasn't the same hospital he as in when he passed away. I wish this was true I wish that he was in the hospital and improving and that I wasn't alone sad and lonely.

If only there's a way, even if it's small chances only, wish can still be reality, I'd do anything to fight to make it happens. But wish will only be a wish now, my husband won't comeback to me, I'm the one left behind, missing him, lonely without my soulmate.

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm glad my sister drove me to pick up George's ashes, I don't think I could have, besides it was about 65 miles away

I drove when going to my husband cemetery, just me and my son. It was the hardest 12km (around 7,5miles).. it's not far, but it's the hardest. I had to stop for awhile to calm myself on way back. Fortunately my son's very understanding, he cried too, so I don't feel alone in that trip, he kept me concentrate on driving carefully too. 

6 hours ago, KayC said:

But I had no idea the stupid lady that I had to deal with would "pronounce my marriage ended by death."

Ugh.. must she say that? I feel awful just reading that "term". I'm sorry you had to experience that, having inconsiderate people as social security officer. 

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I guess maybe I was lucky that I was able to do my Social Security interview by phone and that the representative was so kind and thoughtful.  He asked me questions and filled out the form as we went along.  Then he mailed it to me for review and signature.  That was it.

I'm lucky too, mine was so helpful and understanding. All the process was done online/by phone because the covid circumstances now. But there are some forms that I haven't filled yet because I have to come to office myself, but he said they can wait until the situation get better and the festive seasons (the people are mostly moslem here in place where I live, they are having their big ceremonial day, so most of the governments office are closed) is over. 

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peach_2003

I had the same dream last night except that he was more awake then the first one. He wonder way I hadn't come visit him and why I hadn't left his glasses at the hospital as he couldn't see without them. 

Its possible that I am dreaming this because I didn't get to see him after death at the funeral home. I found out later from my father in law that if we wanted to we were able to see him at the funeral home before they shut the coffin. they told him since he made the arrangements maybe then I wouldn't be dreaming that he could possibly still be alive. 

 

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Dey

Oh, Peach... I'm so sory you, once again, being robbed the chances fighting or doing something for your husband. I don't understand why his parents decided many things  related to your husband without talking or include you first. Your dream, I somehow feels it's your husband trying to reach for you, or it's signs that he's still with you.. <<hugs>>

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peach_2003

I hope he is still with me because I love him so very much. 

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Dey

Same, I hope my husband still with me. But for me he IS still with me , he lives in my heart, he lives in my son, he's just part of me, nothing, not even death can separate us

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peach_2003

Matthew will always live in my heart and if he is trying to reach me I hope he keeps trying and I can figure out what he is trying to tell me

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Missy1

Wow, that is intense. I don’t know I read that some times dreaming is just that other times we visited by them in another realm. I dreamt agin of him the other night. We were just hanging out and chatting and laughing together. It was so great I woke up feeling very close to him. Them devastated that he is gone. He is dead, that wrecks me...death  I hate it!

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Monaron

Im still waiting for some sign some thing just to know he is with me and yet I know the answer. he is etched in the deepest part of me for the rest of my life. So many papers all in German and I have to translate everything and some I still don't get. everyone wants something. How about some compassion. Yes that is what Im asking for some compassion without having to send you his death certificate or sign papers. 

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