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Lost my husband suddenly...


Dey

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I have a place where people gather in a virtual service. All are real people including the minister and I need this right now. We are the church , not a building. So let the president or anyone else say we cant gather because if we have faith we will find a way. I go and hear live music, the word of God and words from he minister that always seem to touch me.  its the one place I can come where I find comfort. Now Im not saying that real gatherings is not important because it is, but for me I gather with a group of people who believe and get comfort from that. Im 8 weeks grieving now and I needed something and found it through God. 

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12 hours ago, foreverhis said:

The president's claim that he'd "override" the governors is simply bluster.  Some people seem to think that he could use emergency powers for that, but it's not true.  The emergency powers as written are very narrowly defined.  Even when the state and local governments give the go ahead, it will be up to places of worship to decide what's right for them and their congregations.

I realize that.  That's why I said:

 

22 hours ago, KayC said:

we are waiting for the governor to address it

I don't feel I can be without church indefinitely.  Church is more than just faith, it's also the fellowship of other believers.  There is a lot to it, that's why the Bible says not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together.  Of course we never had COVID-19 in Bible times, but I miss church and my friends there more than I can express.  They are family.  Some are shut in with their family, I am not, being alone day after day for 2 1/2 months has been tough.  The phone doesn't even ring any more.

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foreverhis

@KayC  Hi Kay.  I just wanted to put that out there because there's been so much confusion about it.  So many people think that the president does have that authority that it's causing quite a lot of anger.  And IMO (and most people's, I think) anger has no place in bringing people together for services.  We're naturally all frustrated and distraught at times, which is an entirely different thing.  But when people arm up and go storming in demanding that places of worship be allowed to open, I shake my head and wonder how they can reconcile the peace and comfort of church with brandishing fire arms and threatening people's lives.

I think that places of worship are far more essential than, say, bars or hair salons or sporting events, so I hope that the state and local governments will address it sooner, rather than later.  Putting restrictions and requirements such as face masks, no sharing/bare hands for communion, non-contact fellowship moments, etc. would go a long way toward making it safer. 

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't feel I can be without church indefinitely.  Church is more than just faith, it's also the fellowship of other believers.  There is a lot to it, that's why the Bible says not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together.  Of course we never had COVID-19 in Bible times, but I miss church and my friends there more than I can express.  They are family.  Some are shut in with their family, I am not, being alone day after day for 2 1/2 months has been tough.  The phone doesn't even ring any more.

These past few months really have tested us, haven't they?  Everyone, but especially those of us shut in alone.  I'm sorry to hear that you aren't even hearing from them these days.  I hope that you are able to safely return to your fellowship soon.

I get quite irked when people whine about not being able to go out to dinner or a bar or to get their hair cut, etc.  Sure, we all want to be able to do that safely.  But let's address more urgent needs and how to do things safely there first.  Places of worship and schools top my list.

And I truly wasn't "calling you out" on the president and his "orders."  But there really has been so much confusion causing extreme anger as well as nasty snark, that I think it's important we all keep clear on who is responsible for what, besides of course our personal responsibility toward others.  I also think that local governments should have some say so in it, while keeping in mind that the virus doesn't honor city, county, or state lines or country borders.  What affects one, affects all at this point. 

I do wish some of the more insistent religious leaders wouldn't spout things like, "God will protect us from the virus" (like the one I saw on television who "blew" on the virus and told his congregation they were safe) or "We're going to gather and hug and have physical contact no matter what anyone says" (disregarding statistics and science).  That's selfish and these days endangers the lives of others.  Not only that it denies that with free will and freedom come the responsibilities of selflessness, compassion and concern for the lives of others.

I think it's going to take a long time to find a balance again.

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On 5/24/2020 at 10:59 AM, foreverhis said:

I also think that local governments should have some say so in it

Absolutely!  Who knows better than our local gov't how things are here and if it's ready, and if so, how much?  I try to look at things from all sides.  Our pastor posted something on FB yesterday, it helped people see the quandary they are in...

 

On 5/24/2020 at 10:59 AM, foreverhis said:

I think it's going to take a long time to find a balance again.

For sure.  And things may very well never be entirely the same again.  

pastoral quandary.jpg

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Nothing is never the same. As people settle into their own routines they think or feel nothing changes, but in fact all changes all the time. We have changed in our grieving. We are not the same people we were before and so why do we think because of this big mess called a virus all will go back to normal./ What is normal? Listen to the song by Quincy Jones. (Everything must change). I don know of his life but he speaks of this in the song. This was one of our favorite songs to listen to. Little did I know how it would apply to my life now. The one thing I have learned is that nothing is constant  or unchanging in life but God. Right now its me and God and I see it that way. Maybe in this grieving process and make no mistake Im still here, I will come through a better person. That does not mean things will be great, but changed and just maybe I will be a better person. God bless to all. 

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I've been down these past few days. I never thought that my family whom I thought were supportive, they have disagreement with my decision. They thought it's not good to live on my own and with me and my son only, they want me to live and move back to my parent's house. I mean, I'm an adult, I have my own place, relatively financial independent, but still they want me to move back and live with my parent? I don't think so. It's so hard being a widow in asian culture. It might not really bother me if the one talking is not my close family. 

 

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Sweet Dey, What I have found is that in these days that we are going through catering and listening to all who think what is best for us. You are a grown women and that has not changed . What has changed is now your are a grown widow raising a son on your ow. Its a hard road but its your road. Moving back with any family is beyond my thinking. You need to find  your way with your son without interference. You know what is best for both of you. ITs hard enough to be a woman and I hear what you are saying about being an Asian women, but we all come from somewhere. Everyone. so do what is best for you and your son. Family means well but they do not always know what is best for you. They know you are the girl before marriage and a home of your own. Your no longer that girl Now your re a grown woman with a son who need to be loved and to learn about his father in the best way. Who better than you to teach him. Hand strong what ever that means and God bless. Sending a big hug!

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Thank you @Monaron for the encouragement. I know they meant well, but I also know I can't do what they expect me to do. At down time like this I really wish my husband are still here with me, he's my biggest supporter, my rock. <<hugs>>

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Stick to your guns.  I agree with Monaron, you know best.  Follow what you know is right for you and your son.  They raised you but now must trust you to do the right thing.  I wish they weren't tearing at you, I know that's hard.  (((hugs)))

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@Dey I can relate to that at first my parents wanted to either move in with me or for me to consider moving in with them. I am a grown woman I have my life I’ve been independent since I was 18 and even if I have to move, I will remain independent!

This is important, we are  going to struggle there’s no doubt that. It’s going to be difficult. We have to do this, we must learn how to survive on our own. They mean well, but you must remain strong for you and your Son.

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foreverhis
On 5/25/2020 at 1:54 PM, KayC said:

For sure.  And things may very well never be entirely the same again.  

To be honest, I hope some things never are the same again.  For many, this crisis has been eye-opening in good ways by being more aware of the least among us, of those who are alone or lonely (not necessarily the same thing), of the need to think of others before we think of ourselves.  It's a reminder that, to steal from JFK, we all inhabit this small planet, we all breathe the same air, we all cherish our children's futures. 

I am not particularly hopeful that there will be large changes, but even small ones can make a big difference.  I am not particularly hopeful that this country can become fully united, in part because social media allows people to be their worst selves and remain anonymous.  Speaking face to face and looking in someone's eyes reminds us that we are all human.  Technology is a boon, no doubt about it, but it has made some of society nastier, meaner, and almost tribal.  But maybe, just maybe, some of us will realize that it's not just destructive to our "enemies," but to our very souls.  Yesterday, I read a post on FB that went something like this, "Members-of-specific-political-party aren't human.  They're an infestation of animals.  We need to eradicate them from the planet as painfully as possible."   Perhaps it was just written for the shock value, but such extreme speech, free though it may be, is often needed to wake up some people from their complacency.

Then there's the simply practical.  Because of our health conditions, my husband and I became moderate germaphobes.  We used to have sanitizing hand wipes with us all the time, washed our hands often, wouldn't be around people we knew were sick, etc.  A friend of mine was the same way.  We would sometimes be teased about it.  I looked at my friend the other day--while we were attending a socially-distanced birthday gathering (10 ft apart, standing in a circle in the middle of the street)--and said, "I bet no one ever makes fun of us and our hand wipes again!"

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today I write in the one place I know others will understand the pain you do not hear in my voice but you see all to well in my writing. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary and I can see my emotions are all  over the place. After 9 week without him it does not seem to get better. Sleep is a escape for a moment. Ive thought of going down to the river walk as we have done in past anniversaries after dinner out, but Im not sure I can emotionally handle it. Our last anniversary was a warm summer evening with a soft breeze and the sun still up but lower in early evening. We walked hand and hand as we always did and talked. I breathed in the air and thought life does not get better than this. I felt it for both of us. So relaxed. So in love still. Now I face it alone and my emotions seem to be so overwhelmed right now. Im crying again more with less none crying time and I know it has something to do with this mark in time. He should be here simply planning dinner out and a walk in the park by the river. Breathing sometimes hurts. Sometimes I think Im going insane. rest in peace my sweet love and know those memories are with me all the time. 

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Those special milestones are so very difficult and painful to navigate. Our 26th wedding anniversary was two weeks after my husband died. I hid away in my house and cried,I had dark thoughts of wanting to be with him. My grief was overwhelming and I know it’s wrong. I try to live with gratitude, but my heart and soul are with him, how can one celebrate anything, I wonder to myself.

 

 

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@Monaron  Wedding anniversaries were always hard for me too...I don't know how to do them, also Valentine's Day, his birthday, his death day.  I hope thoughts of the love you shared fills you as you remember the love you shared and do still.  Sending you thoughts of comfort and peace as you go through this day...

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/02/grief-rituals-can-help-on-valentines.html (see the links in it)

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/h.html

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On 5/30/2020 at 10:15 PM, Monaron said:

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary and I can see my emotions are all  over the place. After 9 week without him it does not seem to get better. Sleep is a escape for a moment. Ive thought of going down to the river walk as we have done in past anniversaries after dinner out, but Im not sure I can emotionally handle it.

Of course your emotions are going here and there and back again.  At 9 weeks, your grief and loss are still so new, so raw, and so all-encompassing.  I'm not sure how this will come out, but it will almost certainly not get better for quite some time.  I don't say this to frighten you or make you feel worse, but in the hope that you will allow yourself all the time you need now, without worrying about how or when you should/will "get better."  Please do not focus too far down the road as I've found that to be too painful and confusing.  Just getting out of bed each day is a triumph for you right now.  Time, lots of time, is starting to help me learn to carry my love and my pain, to make my grief part of my life, rather than all of it.  I am finding more reasons to remember the good and the joyful.  I am discovering more bits of light and hope.

I strongly urge you not to subject yourself to the things you did for your anniversaries--unless you are positive it will bring comfort and not spiral you down further into the dark.  I have not yet had a special day where I did the things we used to do.  Our anniversary had been just 3 weeks before my love died.  He was in the hospital and things were dire.  We were coming to grips with understanding that he wasn't going to make it to the next treatment.  So when the next one came around, nearly a year having gone by, I planned nothing at all.  I figured that spending the day at home alone surrounded by our life together was all I'd be able to handle.  That morning a friend who lives nearby texted and asked if I thought I might be up to a little walk to our nearby nature preserve.  It was the first nice day we'd had in nearly a month (summer on the coast here is cold and foggy most of the time until mid to late September).  Actually, I had talked to my husband the night before and said, "Send me a beautiful sunny day, okay?  I've been in the cold and damp for almost a month.  I need the sun."  I wondered if he heard me.  Anyway, I texted back that I would, but she would have been equally understanding if I said no.  So we took a walk in the rare sun and warmth.  I talked as I was able and she listened, gently asking a question or two.  We sat and talked about faith (not religion), spirituality, nature, and our firm belief in something mysterious that lies beyond this life.  It was helpful. 

It might be best if you don't think about what tomorrow will be for you.  Let the day unfold as it will and have no preconception about what you should be doing or feeling.  If you decide that going to the river walk would be comforting or restorative, then do that.  If you feel it would be too much, then don't and do not think for one moment that you are letting yourself or your love down.  On most special days I've been through so far, I've learned to have no expectations for myself or anyone else.

Please know, above all, that we will be thinking of you and sending you all the love and comfort in the world to help you through the day. ((hugs))

 

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George and I always spent our anniversaries at the same place we did our honeymoon...at the coast in this quaint unique motel.  It had windows to the west, south and north so quite a view and it was very quiet, we loved it.  It had nooks in the windows where we could sit and watch the waves.   

When he died, I was going to go ahead and go to that place on our anniversary...but I just couldn't.  Now all these years later it is gone.  I feel sad about that, but perhaps it would have been too hard...it was a special place, now it exists only in my memory..

I hope you did okay, I know how hard it can be.                                   

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thank you Kay for you words. I did stay home. I could not bring myself nor did I have the energy to go where we went on our anniversary's. I looked at the picture of us last year and it was like yesterday and my heart just could not take going there. I stayed home. did much crying. I just curled up on the couch and didn't do anything. Passing time away . Knowing it would end and another day would come. The same as last. I kept on saying to myself it just another day, but its not. Its a mile stone in our life that I will never have again. I pray  a lot and I pray for all those grieving. We are not the same people we were before. God bless to all. 

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Monaron,

You are right, it is a milestone we will never have again.  This discussion has made me realize it is just as well that the place we always went to/celebrated it's okay that it's gone, it would never be the same again anyway without him here.  It's almost like it's being destroyed is an acknowledgement of that.  At first it hit me hard, but now I realize it's just another thing...not the same without him in it.

Thank you for the prayers for everyone here, I pray also for everyone.  No, we're not the same as before.  (((hugs)))

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

This discussion has made me realize it is just as well that the place we always went to/celebrated it's okay that it's gone, it would never be the same again anyway without him here. 

I could not agree more.  There are special places that I will never visit again because it won't be the same and would hurt so much.  This is one of the things some people don't understand, though fortunately many do.  My love wanted his ashes to be ultimately scattered a specific place that is special to us.  Right now, aside from the fact that it's costly to get there, I simply can't fathom being there and "letting him go" yet again.  A few friends have mentioned it and I've simply said, "No, I really can't afford it at this point," which is true, but the reality is that I can't do it.  At first I thought that made me weak, but then I realized it's not a weakness to know ourselves well enough to not intentionally make our hearts break even more.

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yes. I will scatter his ashes but not now. I simply cant. Some do not understand and think I should have a burial he di don't want. All in time when I can. That maybe a long time from now. For now they sit on my living room console and there they will stay until I can step forward but that is going to take time. God bless all

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18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

it's not a weakness to know ourselves well enough to not intentionally make our hearts break even more.

This!  So true.

7 hours ago, Monaron said:

I will scatter his ashes but not now.

Nothing wrong with that, you will know if/when the time is right...and you just may want to keep them with you, that's okay too.  It's not up to someone else and you shouldn't owe them any explanation, this is individual/personal.

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On 6/2/2020 at 10:48 PM, Monaron said:

yes. I will scatter his ashes but not now. I simply cant. Some do not understand and think I should have a burial he di don't want. All in time when I can. That maybe a long time from now. For now they sit on my living room console and there they will stay until I can step forward but that is going to take time. God bless all

Me to, I love that I have his ashes. I gave some to his daughter she spread them at a beach the day I gave them to her. I cannot part with them yet. My hope is that our ashes will be buried together!

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Yes, I take comfort in knowing I have his ashes. In my faith I know he is not there but what remains of him in life, but its part of him. Im not sure when I wil scatter his ashes ,but I do know its not now. My prayer is that someday I will know when and if! God bless 

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I lost my husband who was the love of my life, my best friend and companion on May 29,2020. He lost his battle with lung cancer very suddenly. I feel like I lost the ground from under my feet. The time has stopped. I feel this enormous hole in my heart. We were inseparable for 20 years, and now.... there’s nothing.
I have my family and friends who are very supportive but it’s not enough. I feel constant almost physical pain every minute of the day. I miss hearing his voice. 
I found his voice mails on my phone which I keep listening to........ and I cry. 
 



 

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you found the right place Anna. here you will find people who understand the paralyzing grip grief has.We all have lost someone here. Some longer ago then others, but all understand what you are experiencing. \We all are in different stages of grief and we understand. I wish I could tell you all will get better.but I cant do that. I will tell you with the passage of time you will feel this deep abyss of grief a little less at a time .Life will never be the same as it was and how can it be. You will find understanding here without judgment. talking will help, not take away but help even if its for a moment. right now taking it sometimes moment by moment is all you can do. each night I thank God for one more day I got through. Know that here you will find others who are feeling the same types of feeling you have right now. Keep coming back and keep talking, you will find support of those who know. God bless. 

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Thank you for your kind words. I do realize that with time that pain will be dulled somewhat. But because the loss is sooo recent I just can’t get a handle on my emotions. Everyone I know keeps telling me that it’s better to keep busy so as not to dwell on it. I went back to work after a week thinking that it would keep my mind occupied. Well, that didn’t work at all. My husband is still the only thought that I have. And I keep crying, crying, crying.... 

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2 hours ago, AnnaT said:

Everyone I know keeps telling me that it’s better to keep busy so as not to dwell on it.

Welcome, Anna.  I'm very sorry you find yourself here with us.  You have found a supportive, comforting, caring place to be.  Here, you can question, talk, and even rant or "scream" if you need to do that.

Here's the thing about people who tell you it's better to do this or that:  They are on the sidelines because it isn't their loss or their grief.  It is yours and yours alone.  They cannot know what your life is like now, how it feels to have your world and your heart shattered.  Even we who have also lost our one true loves will not tell you we know how you feel.  Certainly we can understand, but each of us is on a unique grief journey and the only feelings we truly know are our own. 

Now and over time, what will be better for you is what you decide, not what society or even well meaning friends and family say.  In general, our society sucks at understanding or handling grief.  It's uncomfortable for others, especially because we are a tangible reminder that this could and someday will happen to them.  Often they want to feel helpful, but don't have a clue what will really help.  There are some really good "Do and Don't" articles that members have posted.  Here are a couple of them:

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/death-and-dying_b_4329830

https://tealashes.com/2016/03/09/be-strong-is-wrong-for-grieving-friends/

Grief like this affects every cell in our bodies.  What you are feeling, both emotionally and physically, is unfortunately common and, well, normal.  Right now it's important for you to just take it one day, one hour, even one moment at a time.  It may be a cliche, but sometimes cliches are true.  Try to eat to keep your strength up.  Try to sleep, even if you need a sleep aid (OTC or prescription, whatever is appropriate for you), and just keep breathing.  And please keep coming here.  I promise you that it will help, maybe not right away, but it will help.

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I understand. ITs been 10 week tomorrow and I still cry every day. keeping busy and not dwelling on it is easy for someone to say even well intended if they have not experienced. take your time and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. Keeping busy only works for a while and than the reality sets in of your life has changed. I went back to work after 5 weeks out of necessity, but as soon as im done   I fall apart. Your emotions will be all over the place for a while. Give yourself permission to grieve and take as much time as you need. There is no time limit. I can only speak for myself ,but I think its going to take a long time before I can even do anything but breath. .There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about him. Don't let others tell you how to feel even well intended.  God bless and keep writing it does not take the pain away but it helps to know your not alone in this journey of grief.

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4 hours ago, Monaron said:

Give yourself permission to grieve and take as much time as you need. There is no time limit. I can only speak for myself ,but I think its going to take a long time before I can even do anything but breath. .There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about him. Don't let others tell you how to feel even well intended.  God bless and keep writing it does not take the pain away but it helps to know your not alone in this journey of grief.

Yessss there is no time limit because we will never stop feeling the loss and pain. They say we learn how to carry it, I am not looking forward to this. I to think about him everyday. I say good morning to his ashes and talk to him through out the day, and kiss his urn goodnight.  There are times when I feel his reply or his communication it’s makes me cry but happy he is with me still. I know sometimes people must get tired of me expressing my pain and grief but this is the only place I have. Keeping it inside makes me want to go dark. Keep posting I certainly need to as well. And yes, you are NOT alone my friend. 

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21 hours ago, AnnaT said:

I lost my husband who was the love of my life, my best friend and companion on May 29,2020. He lost his battle with lung cancer very suddenly. I feel like I lost the ground from under my feet. The time has stopped. I feel this enormous hole in my heart. We were inseparable for 20 years, and now.... there’s nothing.
I have my family and friends who are very supportive but it’s not enough. I feel constant almost physical pain every minute of the day. I miss hearing his voice. 
I found his voice mails on my phone which I keep listening to........ and I cry. 

I am so sorry @AnnaT not even two weeks ago, I was in a daze at that time.  Hard to think.  My heart goes out to you.  My George's voicemaiils all erased, I cried when that happened, I hadn't known it would.  We have a landline and the answering machine had a tape in it and it records over it when it comes to the end.  But I have his voice in my mind, I will never forget it, I loved his voice.

Tears are like a release for the pain we have inside so I'm glad you're able to cry.  I wrote this article of the things I'd found helpful over the years, I hope something in it is helpful for you today, something else perhaps later on in your grief journey.  We are here for you, listening, we're in this journey together.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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On 6/10/2020 at 11:22 AM, AnnaT said:

I went back to work after a week thinking that it would keep my mind occupied. Well, that didn’t work at all.

I went back after two weeks, had to, I was broke and tons of bills pouring in from the hospitals, doctors, ambulance, etc.  It was hard to think, hard to focus, I kept running to the bathroom and crying, fortunately it was right next to my office.  It was the start of the recession, my job ended.  Three times.  The last time I retired, I'd faced age discrimination and for the first time in my life no one would hire me.  But I can honestly say I never missed a meal and things worked out.  Can't afford to do the things other seniors are doing, but that's okay.  I'm still in our home, his ashes scattered in our back yard, it's where I knew he'd want to be laid to rest, the most peaceful spot in the world to him.  It'll be 15 years June 19, Father's Day also that year.

I pray your boss and coworkers are as amazing as mine were, I was sorry to lose them, they were so kind.  We go through the grief fog or grief brain as they call it, it'll improve but it takes time.
http://www.refugeingrief.com/grief-crazy/

They say the hardest grief in the world is your own, I believe it.

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I am going on 11 weeks since he has been gone this coming Thursday. Time has gone by so quickly and yet its all in my mind like it was yesterday. Im finding myself not screaming as much but I still cry every day. IT hits me that he is never coming back. The feeling of being alone without him becomes overwhelming. I make it through each day and thank God for another day of getting through, but I feel im like a robot going through the motions of what I have to do just to get through. I am tried of hearing that Im strong and will get through this. Right now I cant see me getting through anything but another day. The future to me is obscured by a feeling of no future. God bless all I just needed to write down what Im feeling. 

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I can relate to the odd way that time seems to be warped. Each day feels like an eternity and yet the days turn into weeks, into months, I cannot believe it’s already June! I don’t look forward to the Holidays which will come around before we know it!!!

The one constant is that our love seems to keep growing foe them as it did when they were by our side. I to fill the day with chores and go through the motions as we are pushed forward to do so. We have no choice we must keep up to maintain what is left. It still feels like being swallowed up by a thick black wave of crippling emotions at times. 
it stuck me about how many tears I have shed, I didn’t know I capable of crying so much not one day passed in which I  have not wept.

The future does seem to not exist for me  either, maybe someday we look up and figure out what our lives are supposed to be like now. Thinking ahead is way to much, No one to build with, that special element filled us with so much love and joy, gone forever. I feel like an observer now, not a participant, does that seem to your feeling as well?

I agree,God is the only constant in this now unfamiliar universe, that lately seems to be filled so much hatred and chaos. The world is shifting underneath our feet, we need our rock. God Bless and keep writing as it feels good to connect.

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5 hours ago, Monaron said:

I am tried of hearing that Im strong and will get through this.

People intend that as encouragement but we take it as pressure to be/feel something we are not.  We think, "They don't know how hard this is!"  True, they do not, not unless they've been there, and even if they have, every relationship, love, and thus grief, are uniquely different.  I loved George more than anything in the world, we were so close, soulmates through and through, he was truly my best friend, lover, companion, we had the fire, we had the understanding, great communication...we had it all.  To lose him was to lose everything.  This is unlike any other relationship I've ever had.  Those who are married in blah relationship cannot begin to understand this loss.  I would not change a thing, I gladly pay this price for having had the best, they don't know the loss, but neither have they known the love.  But in those early days these were not my thoughts, I could hardly form a thought!  My brain was fogged up, in shock, could hardly function, do my job, I felt frantic, all I could do was feel and that was not any kind of feeling anyone ever wants to have!  

 

3 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I agree,God is the only constant in this now unfamiliar universe, that lately seems to be filled so much hatred and chaos. The world is shifting underneath our feet, we need our rock.

This is a world unlike any I have ever known.  I turn 68 this year, what is happening now I have not seen before in my lifetime!  We feel everything helter skelter, the ground beneath us shifting, it's hard to get footing.  Makes us want to go be with them!  Not suicide, but just wishing, longing for our time to come so we can be together again, all I want is for him to hold me.

Today is his birthday.  He would be 66.  Happy Birthday, George, I love you, I miss you!

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Tomorrow will be 12 weeks and there is not a day that I do not think of him, miss him and cry. I received the urn that is a hand carved wooden box with a tree carving on the front and his name and dates on the top. I unwrapped it and cried so hard knowing this is where I will transfer some of his ashes and keep them near me. The other in the urn from the funeral home will eventual be scattered when I get the strength to do so. Every day I'm glad when it over. Another day I got though by the grace of God. Sometimes I feel him so close I can almost touch him. I think its because he is now a part of me and death does not take that part away. he will remain with me the rest of my life. 

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A part of me wishes I would have kept some of his ashes with me, but I scattered them in our backyard, it was the place he loved, this place, so I wanted him at rest peaceably.

The urn sounds beautiful!  What a great idea.

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I'm at the 3 month mark since my husbands sudden death and someone said this sometimes can be a very hard time due to the numbness and shock wearing off and the reality setting in. Well this rings true for me. The reality is setting in that he is gone forever till I see him again after death. I'm finding myself on this roller coaster of emotions that I seem to have little control of. IT just comes on me without notice. To make matter worse, I have planned a very small ,intimate memorial for my  husband. This was his wish as we talked so many times. I Planned for a few to go to the mountain where he first took me when i arrived in Germany and I have his 2 favorite songs on CD along with a poem. I invited his brother if he wished to say something or do what he wanted in honor of his brother I also have a simple old gospel song that I will sing for my husband. He loved gospel music. You see he was a Dj and musician in his time and he loved music, but gospel was something that touched his soul. So in the mountains I will sing for him in my best, not great, but for him. . Now mind you the two brothers were estranged and had very little to do with each others. This is the same brother who hours after my husbands death spoke ill of  my husband sitting in my house. This is the same brother who demanded my husband be buried even though that was not my husbands wishes. i stood strong and had my husband cremated as we had talked about and my husband simply wanted me to go to a place we chose and scatter his ashes. Due tot he virus and constraints in Germany this was not going to be possible right away. I thought the small gathering would bring some healing and was in honor and a celebration of my husbands life. I got a e mail from his brother that he does not approve of this and he gave me a choice to have the funeral as he wished with him organizing it or forget it. I simply said this was not about him it was about what my husband wished . ITs hard enough to go through this grieving, which is deep and profound but then to have to deal with someone who really does not care about others, other than what he wants. I have my husbands ashes and will hang on to them until the time I can scatter them as my husband wished. I will keep a part of them in a hand carved wooden box with is name and a tree carved on the front. My daughter will have very clear instructions to have me cremated and my ashes scattered with my husbands. I'm exhausted and just need his brother for maybe once hear what someone else wanted and not about him.

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You responded so well, I am very proud of you!  You wanting to carry out your husband's wishes was the honoring thing to do and your response to his brother was perfect.  Let him own his own consequences and forget him then.  This is YOUR husband!  I am so proud of you!

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thank you kay for the kind words and encouragement. This grieving thing is hard enough. All along it has been about what my husband would want. 

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On 6/27/2020 at 10:07 PM, Monaron said:

I got a e mail from his brother that he does not approve of this and he gave me a choice to have the funeral as he wished with him organizing it or forget it.

I'm sorry, but I had to laugh at his absurd "threat."  If you won't do what he tells you to do and if you won't let him take over, then he won't be involved at all.  Sure, as if that's going to change your mind.  Does he not realize that "forget it," meaning he won't be involved at all, is not a threat, but a relief?

Good for you for standing up for your husband and yourself.  As for the selfish, greedy, thoughtless brother who won't be part of the memorial you planned?  That's his loss and most definitely your gain.

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thank you forever his for your words of encouragement. It would have been easier to just give into his demands ,but to gain what? This is not about him or even me , but my honoring my husband  with respect. I can come here and voice my concerns, thoughts, grief with no judgement and kind encouraging words. I am so thankful for all of you even though we are not here on our own accord. I'm sorry we had to find this place at all, but now that we have may it always be for support ,encouragement and understanding. God bless. 

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1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

I'm sorry, but I had to laugh at his absurd "threat."  If you won't do what he tells you to do and if you won't let him take over, then he won't be involved at all.  Sure, as if that's going to change your mind.  Does he not realize that "forget it," meaning he won't be involved at all, is not a threat, but a relief?

Good for you for standing up for your husband and yourself.  As for the selfish, greedy, thoughtless brother who won't be part of the memorial you planned?  That's his loss and most definitely your gain.

Amen to all of this!

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19 hours ago, Monaron said:

This is not about him or even me , but my honoring my husband  with respect.

Absolutely.  I actually had to have that conversation with our daughter a few times while my husband was still fighting his cancer.  Not even close to the extent you are facing, but a little bit.  She disagreed with his decisions a few times and wanted me to basically overrule him or at least agree with her.  I told her that as much as I love her, I would always take her dad's side 100%, even if his choice wasn't the one I would have made.  I'd tell him what I thought, but would support him all the way in what he wanted.  She wasn't happy about it, but ultimately she understood.

Then after, she wanted to have a memorial service, but he had specifically said no to that.  He said a party for him later when I was able would be good.  There was one thing he wanted (scattering his ashes in a place special to us and bringing the girls along) that I haven't been able to do, partly because of cost.  She wanted me to do it, but I told her I'm not ready and I can't afford it.  Fortunately, she didn't argue the point once I made clear that my decision was made, at least for now.

It can be difficult to "please" others even when relationships are close and loving.  It's that much harder when dealing with someone like your brother-in-law.  I'm sorry you have to continue to face his selfish behavior repeatedly.  Stay strong for your love and yourself.  It really is all about what's right for him and for you.

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Just an update about the intimate memorial we had for my husband. We had it at the mountain where there is a castle ruins. This was the first place he took me when coming to Germany. The day was sunny with a soft mountain air. it made me miss him even more. We had music I selected of his three favorites and his brother low and behold brought his bass and a friend who my husband played in the band with many years ago, who plays the sax. They played 2 soft jazz songs and it was beautiful. My husbands God daughter ,who is his brothers daughter ,go figure read a poem and her sister sang for us. I had a poem called In Honor of you. Several of his very close school friends came so a total of about 13 people. More than enough. It's going on 16 weeks and I find myself going up and down with emotion. The reality really sunk in and the finality of his death. I find myself crying for no reason other than I miss him. I keep replaying the actual death in my mind with me giving CPR in our bed and it just floods me with emotion. I'm thinking this is normal or maybe I'm losing it? I sometimes just want to get in bed and forget the world going by.

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I am glad it went well, it sounds beautiful and I'm sure he would love the efforts put forth, all the music...

No, you're not losing it, such is the way of grief.

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I haven't seen any recent post so I'm assuming everyone is so busy or doing ok? I thought I was. I was actually having days with some crying but not as much and then a flood gate opened and I cant stop crying. I pray often and to me God is silent, but I know he is working on my behalf. 17 weeks and counting since I touched him, kissed him ,talked to him. I spend most of my time alone in our place. someone  said you need to go home. back to the USA. Well my home is where my heart is and my heart is gone so where is home now. I get this feeling of being disconnected. It's like I'm watching someone going through the motions but its not really me till I touch me. go to the store and I pay the bills I can and than I just exists I feel like there must be something wrong with me to feel this way. Yes, I could join a grief group, but being here in Germany I would be going to a group of people speaking fast and me thinking why am I here. I fee like I'm just standing still and waiting for something. Maybe that's the point I get this feeling that maybe God wants me to just be still. and let him do his work with me. I must sound like a crazy woman. God bless to all and thank you for allow me to vent.

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No you do not sound crazy at all!  You sound like a well-thinking person who is figuring what is right for yourself, bit by bit.  People can ask if you've considered going to the US (of course you gave it thought, even if only for a brief moment!) but they cannot presume to tell you what is right for YOU. You alone know that and do well to follow your heart.  That's what this is about, each of us finding our way through this and there is no one size fits all.  It hadn't occurred to me how hard it would be to follow people's talking in a grief group that is not your native language as I didn't know how fluent you are.  It'd be like me going to one in Spanish, I've taken Spanish but without the opportunity to practice conversing it, have lost most of it...I'd lose 90% of what was being said.

8 hours ago, Monaron said:

Maybe that's the point I get this feeling that maybe God wants me to just be still. and let him do his work with me.

That is beautiful.  Be still and know that I am God. Ps 46:10...funny, that verse has come before me three times in the last couple of days!  It is in that being still with Him that we receive peace and clarity...in His time.

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@Monaron I feel like every single day of grief is a gamble.......almost like playing roulette.  Some days are ok and other days are awful.   I think it just depends on our daily situations.  I have days where getting out of bed seems like a monumental task and other days where I feel I can do more.   It has been nearly 6 months since my husband passed away and it feels like an eternity.  I feel out of sync with life a good portion of the time.  Some days I cry more than others, often it depends on the events of the days.  I absolutely hate dealing with things that my husband used to take care of.......that almost always makes me cry.

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I so totally understand. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. I hate dealing with what he dealt with. he did his job and I did mine and it worked. Now I have it all. Today I went and watered his parents flowers in the cemetery and put fresh for him even though he is not there. I was ok until coming home and the reality of coming home alone. My work has been affected to an extent that I don\t see me doing well even though I know dep down I am. I think I really don't feel good about much. Today was a beautiful summer day. Not to hot or cool. I just thought its beautiful but so what.  I came to Germany to be with my husband and now he is gone here I am alone and and what? where is home I have no idea. He was home. I hate feeling sorry for myself but its more than sorry. i just want to feel something besides pain and loss.17 week now. 

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