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Lost my husband suddenly...


Dey

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peach_2003

I still have lots of regret for pulling my husband off life support I really don't know what the future holds for me either. I tell him every day 50 times a day that I love him and miss him very much.

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9 minutes ago, A Wilson said:

I laid my husband to rest today. It was and is the hardest day of my life. The pain of missing him is so great. I'm still in denial to some degree. I see him just being away for awhile but not forever.

I'm sorry you have to experience this today. It really is the hardest when you are the one doing that for your loved one. I remember that day when I did that to my husband. My heart was ripped and broken in pieces. Til now, I still feel that my husband is not gone, I just can't touch and hug him anymore, I still talk to him about anything, he just doesn't reply to mine but somehow I feel he still listens. People would think I'm delusional or crazy when see talking to empty air. I don't care, I miss my husband so much.

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I know how you feel.  I've been doing it for 15 years but this social isolation has me at my wits end because the way I learned to cope was give myself something to look forward to, balance time home alone with time out with friends or volunteering...can do that now.

I'm so sorry to read this. the situation with corona is indeed making everything harder. Although I'm not in good position myself but I know my situation is better than many people whose lives was badly impacted by this. I wish and pray that this thing will over soon. God bless you @KayC

 

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21 minutes ago, peach_2003 said:

I still have lots of regret for pulling my husband off life support I really don't know what the future holds for me either. I tell him every day 50 times a day that I love him and miss him very much.

Neither do I. The future looks bleak. How can I live my life and raise my child without my husband? Maybe I could survive, but it's not gonna be the same without him, my happiness has left this world. I'm living emptier life now...

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peach_2003

I try and smile but I cant because I feel so sad. We only ever had a cat but I remember my husband saying that once our kitty left us he wanted to get a pug I wish he would have gotten his little dog. 

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Yes, i try to smile but my smile turns out weird. It's more like sad smile with death eyes. We used to have a dog, she died 2 years ago because of old age, my husband was practically her dad, she even waited till my husband hugged her before died, so heartbreaking. Since that I don't feel like having another pet, our dog is irreplaceable. Same cases with my husband, he's the one and only. 

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peach_2003

I could never replace my husband and I wouldn't want too and our cat is not replaceable either but my husband always wanted a dog so he could have someone to walk with ( expecally when I was at work) his parent had a dog but they had to put her down 4 years ago on fathers day she was such a special dog and my husband loved going to there house to visit her. She was one of the reasons why he wanted a dog so bad

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Funny how animals love my and your husband too, right Peach? Animals can sense the good in people.. 

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peach_2003

yes they can. I have a video of us camping he is feeding a chipmunk peanuts its a cute video and I am glad that I have it. 

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He's a kind man. 

We were lucky to have them in our lives, but it also make losing them feel soooooooo hard. 

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peach_2003

yes it does expecally when it was not expected. One minute he was perfectly fine then he was dying.  

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I don't know if it was a long lingering death or quick, which would be better? I think both are hard but to go to bed feeling safe and have him come later only to die an hour later and nothing you can do. I did CPR and so did the ambulance when they came, but my heart told me he was gone when I first started. I saw it in his eyes that he no longer was with me. This I am grateful for in that he made a few minutes of a crying noise when I woke and then he was gone. Something very drastic, fast happened and I don't think he suffered. This I take some comfort. I have to say its going on 8 weeks and the absence of him is so acute. Nights are hard. Very few call or see if Im ok. I got a message saying I hope you have a lovely weekend. A lovely weekend ,there is no weekend. My days meld into one another. I have lo look at the calendar to even know what day it is. Im still lost and do not know where my future will be. I come .here because you all understand where Im at. IT seems others distance to not have to deal with the discomfort of grieving. Some expect me to reach out to them. I work at getting our of bed in the morning, showered, and dress. reaching out takes much energy. They all want me to be happy, moving on, getting over it. Im not. Not yet. maybe someday?

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Due to the virus we have not had the memorial yet. I have his ashes and his wish was to be scattered, but here in Germany its illegal's. The funeral home told me here are the ashes and they are your to do with as you wish, but do it quietly. I still have to find the place where he first took me on a near by mountain. This has to be done without his family because they want a big to do and that was not his wishes. We do have a friend who said he will come to me when the ban is lifted and we will quietly find that place. This Im not looking forward to. ,,but I know it needs to happen. For now I just exists. HE is not there in the ashes but for some odd reason knowing I have them gives me small comfort. 

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16 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

I wish he would have gotten his little dog. 

Get one for him.  Share it with him. Who knows but maybe he is around sometimes and can be aware of what's going on.  I feel that way sometimes.  I wish we had a way to talk back and forth like we used to.  I so miss that.

 

9 hours ago, Monaron said:

I don't know if it was a long lingering death or quick, which would be better?

You can't compare them, they are very different.  Drawbacks to both.  I took care of my sweet MIL for the three years she was bedridden with cancer.  She was the mom I always wanted and my best friend.  I could talk to her about anything, learned so much from her, especially when my babies came along.  She was the best cook I ever knew, some of her recipes died with her but I learned a lot about cooking from her, although now I can't eat any of it as I am on low carb diet.  Watching her die, bit by bit was true agony.  It ate through her bones which is why she was bedridden.  It destroyed her organs, went to her brain although most of the time she was lucid and knew us, thankfully.  I didn't know how I'd live without her.  It'd take 1,000 people to fill her shoes, she was the most thoughtful person!

When George died it was sudden and unexpected, he was so young, we thought we had years together yet!  I couldn't wrap my mind around it, I was in shock!  I had no clue how I could live without him.  I didn't know where to start, didn't know beans about this thing called a grief journey.  People said the stupidest things to me.  I came to hate cliches and the fact that our society knows nothing about grief and often responds inappropriately.  All of our friends disappeared overnight.  Even the pastor we had went on vacation the next morning like it was nothing, leaving me to find someone else to conduct his funeral!  I was left with half the income, lost my job, it was the beginning of the recession, had to figure out how to handle everything from needing a new roof with no money, how to pay the $72,000 debt he left me with, didn't have $ for a lawyer or I'd have known I wouldn't have had to pay the hospital bills, but they were pressuring me and I had no clarity of mind due to the shock.  I'm amazed even now that I lived through those times.  One day at a time, that's how I did it.  I couldn't handle any more than that....still can't after 15 years.  I've learned to look for and grasp whatever tiny bit of good there is in my day.

Right now, this is what keeps me going, my little Kodie:

Kodie 050520.jpg

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9 hours ago, Monaron said:

I got a message saying I hope you have a lovely weekend.

Oh my gosh, people say such inappropriate things!  Like on FB everyone was wishing a Happy Mother's Day.  How happy can it be when you can't see your family or church friends?  No cards, flowers, dinners, nothing.  A day like any other except even more depressing because you know it SHOULD be happy...but is far from it.  No husband to sit this out with me.  Hell, I'd even settle for someone to fight with!  Except we rarely got into it, extremely rare!  We got along so well and blended together amazingly.  

Nights/weekends were the hardest for me, that was our time together, when we were off work.  Now every day/night is equally hard.  One the same as another.

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9 hours ago, Monaron said:

I have his ashes and his wish was to be scattered, but here in Germany its illegal's. The funeral home told me here are the ashes and they are your to do with as you wish, but do it quietly.

It's pretty much that way here too but everyone does it.  I just wouldn't announce it on social media as that's documentation.  I spread George's on my property, which is allowed since it's private and I own it.  If I ever sell our place, that will have to be a clause as I want mine where he is.

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peach_2003

Last night after writing about how my Matthew wanted a pug I went onto face book and as a scrolled down a suggestion popped up a suggestion for me and it was pugs I don't know if this is a sign but I think it might be.

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17 hours ago, A Wilson said:

I laid my husband to rest today. It was and is the hardest day of my life.

I'm sorry it was so hard for you.  The day of George's funeral someone he didn't even like showed up at my house, unwelcome, as I was trying to get everything ready to take down there, she grabbed his hat and said, "I want his hat!"  I snatched it back, tears flowing, and said, "NO! It's GEORGE'S!"  How dare she!  I then ignored her as I continued getting ready.  But it was heartening to see so many show up, the place was packed, anywhere from the homeless to the mayor...he'd touched so many lives.  My mother said something inappropriate and untrue on the open mike session, the pastor tried to grab it from her but she had a death grip.  Leave it to my mom to ruin yet another thing (she was crazy).  I should have warned the pastor but didn't think to.  Other than that it went well.  Only three of his family showed up and he was second oldest of eleven kids.  Even his dad didn't bother, even though he had a ride offer.

But right now with the social distancing, people can't even have funerals.  I can't imagine how hard that must be.  A terrible time to die.  But then no time is a good time.  :(

 

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peach_2003

Because of covid-19 we weren't able to have a funeral for Matthew. His mom told the nurse even if there wasn't this pandemic going on there would still be no service (which is what her and dad wanted but not matthew my matthew wanted a service) but cause of what is going on there was no service which I am sure that he'd understand but if there wasn't a pandemic his parents denying what he wanted was not right

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peach, I'm so sorry you had to contend with his parents.  Not like you didn't already have enough to deal with.  (((hugs)))

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Im so sorry. ITs so hard when the family does not agree to the wishes of our loved ones. Hold your ground and let them know as his wife he wanted a memorial and you will have one. ITs up to them to come or not. serious. You knew his wishes as his wife.  

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15 hours ago, Monaron said:

I don't know if it was a long lingering death or quick, which would be better?

It's different things, both are hard and difficult. I lost my father due to worsening of health 10 months ago (yes, this year I lost 2 male figures of my life, my father and my husband). With long lingering death, you, too, would die slowly everytime you see your loved ones struggling and fighting for their lives. You feel the agony an despair, wishing you could do anything to free them from pain, but at the same time you can't bear and ready to be separate yet. With sudden loss, it's like you're struck by lightning. Everything happens so sudden and abrupt, you are never "prepared". I remember my most reactions on that day were shocked, confused. Just after the whole process of funeral was over reality set in. That's when the whole waves of emotions hit me hard. When I realized that my whole world crumbled down.. 

15 hours ago, Monaron said:

Some expect me to reach out to them.

Some of my friends expect me that too. But how can I? I use all my energy trying to survive "now" only. Beside, some might say something that trigger me, although they actually mean good, I don't have that extra energy dealing with that. 

 

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@peach_2003 I'm sorry his parents disagree about things with you. But you're his wife, you know what his wishes better. You do what you think best. 

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Now every day/night is equally hard.  One the same as another

This...

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I understand that, I am consumed with thoughts and memories of him. Essential I live in past, everything I see and do i think about him. It is exhausting and stressful. Today I noticed I am losing a lot my hair, clumps. It’s the prolonged stress and pain. My body is showing signs of poor health. 

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peach_2003

my stomach hurts most of the time and my hair which used to be soft (my husband loved my hair) is now dry and brittle.. I refuse to go to the hospital as I blame them for my husbands death. I feel that they should have been able to save him. 

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Christinarosa1968

It is a sign if he wanted pugs and then you saw something about pugs.  I have a pug, they are so cute.

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I don’t know what I am going to do either, I feel like I was left behind. I don’t know how to do this whole thing without him because everything we had was in-work. We had a plan for everything, I just can’t follow  through without him. I feel like every day it just gets harder and harder to live here without him!

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Oh, Missy. I so understand how you feel.  Im like a robot. Friday ,my husbands brothers daughter is coming to see me. We will meet for the first time. I should be excited. Instead im dead I have no feeling for her coming. No joy. What is wrong with me? I feel dead inside. I see no future ahead. ITs been 8 weeks since I have had any contact with anyone other then text. Now the thought of seeing someone face to face hummm. I wonder if they see the dead in my eyes.

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Yes I too have physical problems due tot he prolonged grief and stress. My stomach hurts every time I eat. My heart beat is irregular at times. I find I have little endurance for anything. I worry about the bills, not enough money to stretch. I think about him all the time. My teaching English on line is a god send. For just a few hours my mind is on something else. I get up crying. I go to bed crying. I noticed my skin is dry and I keep having these terrible legs cramps. I think due to not drinking enough. They come suddenly and my leg where it cramping becomes like a rock and the pain is almost unbearable. Im not going to the doctor because I know its al from grieving and not taking care of myself. But why should I? 

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I went to my husband cemetery today. I felt so crushed, cried the whole time, while I was there, on my way back, and continued at home. 

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I remember crying all the way home from work at the memories....50 miles, sometimes having to pull over for a while.  It's good to get it out though.

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foreverhis
6 hours ago, Dey said:

I felt so crushed, cried the whole time, while I was there, on my way back, and continued at home.

Some things just slap us in the heart and make the pain so fresh.  The month my husband died, our county had had more deaths than usual (no idea why), so the funeral home wasn't able to cremate his body for more than a week.  Though they made the experience of choosing this and that as easy as possible...and boy, isn't "easy" a relative term here?...there were some things that just made me want to throw up.  Like when the director assured me that he would be protected and safe until he could be cremated.  I couldn't help but envision his cancer-ravaged body lying there in some sort of drawer, cold and alone.  Or when the director asked if I wanted to come re-identify his body and see him one more time right before cremation.  No, no way.  I wouldn't have been seeing him; I would have been seeing the body that held him because he was no longer there.

The day I went to pick up his cremains (charming term), I drove myself there.  I signed some papers, the director went over some things with me, and then they brought out the handsome leather cylinder I had chosen for him.  I thought, "This is all that's left of my life" as I carried him to the car.  Then I drove home.  Thank goodness it was only about 4 miles because I sobbed the entire way and could barely see the road.  I was thinking, "I really should have asked a friend to drive me today."  I placed him up on top of our entertainment center in a spot I had chosen because, as I tell people only half-jokingly, "he can keep an eye on me."

Our daughter is still kind of freaked out by the idea that every time I look up, I see him.  But I am comforted by it.  I put a snapshot of him with our granddaughter that I had taken a few months before his diagnosis in a frame in front of him.  It's the way he should be remembered, so happy, so content outdoors by the water with his three best girls that day.

I'm so sorry you are going through this impossibly painful experience.  My heart hurts for you and your son.  Please remember that we understand and will always be here for you.  I wish so much I could reach out and just give you a warm comforting hug.  ((hugs))

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This is an impossible time to go through for all of us. I feel like Im in a dreams state. I don't remember ever feeling so alone or sad, or without any hope as now. My husbands god daughter was able to come and visit today with her boyfriend. he mad pizza and to see these young people happy gave me some job until they left then I fell apart again. I thought how sweet would it be if my husband was here and saw this. She told me she's afraid to commit. I told her she's young enjoy being young but there are no guarantees in life. So every Moment must be lived and treasured. I would give anything to talk to my husband after they  left on how sweet they were. made me miss him even more because I know he would have enjoyed it. I keep his ashes on top of a buffet and finds comfort and having them there even though I know its not hi. So I can relate. Dey sweet I so feel in my heart your pain. I wish I could take it away but there is no way. day by day, moment by moment is all we can live right now. 

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Today, I kept imagining how wonderful it would be if he came home, how much I would hug and kiss him and hold on to him and  never let him go. How happy he would be to, I know he misses me to wherever he is. The void becomes worse, holding down the fort is not cutting it for me.  The empty days pass by and nothing seems to change. 

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@KayC @foreverhis @Monaron thank you. It's nice reading comforting words, especially when you're feeling down. <3

I slept for about 10 hours after my visit to him  yesterday. I guess my body need that, grieving is tiring. 

4 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It's the way he should be remembered, so happy, so content outdoors by the water with his three best girls that day

This is how I also want to remember my husband. He's a lively person, very active, a bundle of joy. The one who always made me laugh. 

1 hour ago, Monaron said:

My husbands god daughter was able to come and visit today with her boyfriend. he mad pizza and to see these young people happy gave me some job until they left then I fell apart again. I thought how sweet would it be if my husband was here and saw this. She told me she's afraid to commit. I told her she's young enjoy being young but there are no guarantees in life. So every Moment must be lived and treasured. I would give anything to talk to my husband after they  left on how sweet they were. made me miss him even more because I know he would have enjoyed it. I keep his ashes on top of a buffet and finds comfort and having them there even though I know its not him

It's nice to read you met nice people, his god daughter and her bf. We do need nice distractions once in awhile. I'm trying to do  @KayC 's reply in another thread, try to find joy everyday, however small or stretching it is, try to appreciate more simple things, like laughing at my son's terrible attempt singing rap song, or nice stranger who smile at me when I was shopping for groceries. I hope this can bring more balance to my sad life now. It just that, like you stated too, I wish I can still share anything with my husband, knowing he would also laugh or be happy too. 

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38 minutes ago, Missy1 said:

Today, I kept imagining how wonderful it would be if he came home, how much I would hug and kiss him and hold on to him and  never let him go. How happy he would be to, I know he misses me to wherever he is. The void becomes worse, holding down the fort is not cutting it for me.  The empty days pass by and nothing seems to change. 

Oh I wish that's reality and not just imagination. I miss welcoming him home, asking how his day was, cooking for him and having meals together, my little family. I miss watching cinema with him sharing popcorn.. I miss sitting beside him while he's driving and we talked about anything, random stuffs or just sing along to songs that broadcasted on radio. Basically I just miss my husband. It's hard, harder everyday Missy. I know, cause I'm feeling it too.

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peach_2003

I dreamt the other night that my husband was still in the hospital and that he was getting better. Only it wasn't the same hospital he as in when he passed away. I wish this was true I wish that he was in the hospital and improving and that I wasn't alone sad and lonely. His dad asked me when he drove me out to the grave on Wednesday if his doctor ever called to apologize for not finding his pancreatitis sooner I asked him why would she call if she called she'd have to admit that she made a mistake. I just wish that I never took him off the rest of his life support stuff. I wish that I told his parents to back off and let the doctors do what they want to do.. 

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jwahlquist
17 hours ago, Dey said:

I went to my husband cemetery today. I felt so crushed, cried the whole time, while I was there, on my way back, and continued at home. 

It felt like a punch in the gut when they called and  asked if I wanted to pick up the urn or if I wanted them to hold it until the memorial service.   But at least I was at home and not trying to drive when I had complete breakdown.  I don’t think I could deal with having to go to a cemetery.   My husband’s urn is on a shelf filled with his collection of World of Warcraft Legos above my computer desk.  

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I'm glad my sister drove me to pick up George's ashes, I don't think I could have, besides it was about 65 miles away.  I wish I'd had someone drive me to the social security office the day I had an appointment with them.  But I had no idea the stupid lady that I had to deal with would "pronounce my marriage ended by death."  I lost it!  That was so unnecessary and insensitive of her!  Again, probably about 60 miles away, I couldn't see to drive for the tears and snot pouring down my face!  I called a friend and stopped by her place to try and get myself together before driving home.  Of course I use the term "friend" loosely as she hadn't even bothered to come to his funeral and never called to check on me.

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foreverhis
3 hours ago, KayC said:

But I had no idea the stupid lady that I had to deal with would "pronounce my marriage ended by death."  I lost it!  That was so unnecessary and insensitive of her! 

Oh my God!  How on earth could she say something like that?  Aside from the meanness and cruelty, how the heck does she know that?  You and George have a bond that goes beyond this life time.

I guess maybe I was lucky that I was able to do my Social Security interview by phone and that the representative was so kind and thoughtful.  He asked me questions and filled out the form as we went along.  Then he mailed it to me for review and signature.  That was it.

I'm sorry that you got punched in the gut like that by someone who should have been compassionate.

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21 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

I dreamt the other night that my husband was still in the hospital and that he was getting better. Only it wasn't the same hospital he as in when he passed away. I wish this was true I wish that he was in the hospital and improving and that I wasn't alone sad and lonely.

If only there's a way, even if it's small chances only, wish can still be reality, I'd do anything to fight to make it happens. But wish will only be a wish now, my husband won't comeback to me, I'm the one left behind, missing him, lonely without my soulmate.

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm glad my sister drove me to pick up George's ashes, I don't think I could have, besides it was about 65 miles away

I drove when going to my husband cemetery, just me and my son. It was the hardest 12km (around 7,5miles).. it's not far, but it's the hardest. I had to stop for awhile to calm myself on way back. Fortunately my son's very understanding, he cried too, so I don't feel alone in that trip, he kept me concentrate on driving carefully too. 

6 hours ago, KayC said:

But I had no idea the stupid lady that I had to deal with would "pronounce my marriage ended by death."

Ugh.. must she say that? I feel awful just reading that "term". I'm sorry you had to experience that, having inconsiderate people as social security officer. 

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I guess maybe I was lucky that I was able to do my Social Security interview by phone and that the representative was so kind and thoughtful.  He asked me questions and filled out the form as we went along.  Then he mailed it to me for review and signature.  That was it.

I'm lucky too, mine was so helpful and understanding. All the process was done online/by phone because the covid circumstances now. But there are some forms that I haven't filled yet because I have to come to office myself, but he said they can wait until the situation get better and the festive seasons (the people are mostly moslem here in place where I live, they are having their big ceremonial day, so most of the governments office are closed) is over. 

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peach_2003

I had the same dream last night except that he was more awake then the first one. He wonder way I hadn't come visit him and why I hadn't left his glasses at the hospital as he couldn't see without them. 

Its possible that I am dreaming this because I didn't get to see him after death at the funeral home. I found out later from my father in law that if we wanted to we were able to see him at the funeral home before they shut the coffin. they told him since he made the arrangements maybe then I wouldn't be dreaming that he could possibly still be alive. 

 

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Oh, Peach... I'm so sory you, once again, being robbed the chances fighting or doing something for your husband. I don't understand why his parents decided many things  related to your husband without talking or include you first. Your dream, I somehow feels it's your husband trying to reach for you, or it's signs that he's still with you.. <<hugs>>

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peach_2003

I hope he is still with me because I love him so very much. 

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Same, I hope my husband still with me. But for me he IS still with me , he lives in my heart, he lives in my son, he's just part of me, nothing, not even death can separate us

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peach_2003

Matthew will always live in my heart and if he is trying to reach me I hope he keeps trying and I can figure out what he is trying to tell me

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Wow, that is intense. I don’t know I read that some times dreaming is just that other times we visited by them in another realm. I dreamt agin of him the other night. We were just hanging out and chatting and laughing together. It was so great I woke up feeling very close to him. Them devastated that he is gone. He is dead, that wrecks me...death  I hate it!

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Im still waiting for some sign some thing just to know he is with me and yet I know the answer. he is etched in the deepest part of me for the rest of my life. So many papers all in German and I have to translate everything and some I still don't get. everyone wants something. How about some compassion. Yes that is what Im asking for some compassion without having to send you his death certificate or sign papers. 

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