advise on lose of wife /soulmate

[Missy1]

3 hours ago, gary t huntington said:

wish I had the opportunity to love her like this while she was alive but I guess you take things for granted he put off things you don’t think things like this is going to happen to you when you get a slap in the face and it does so I fall in love more and more with my wife every day And I’m gonna love her this way in  death 
Hope you’re watching honey my love I’m trying to do everything to make you happy, and feel my/our love

I am with you on this, I felt like we had so much more time. We do tend to take for granted in life the love and good things, nothing lasts forever in fact everything could be gone tomorrow. I learned all we have is this moment in time, nothing else is guaranteed.

I to try to do things for him to make him happy to, I love my husband more each day, I still feel so connected my heart will always belong to him. I feel sometimes he is by side other times I just wonder where he is and if he able to even see me here on this earthly  plane. Where do they exist now, I know he loved me and he is waiting for me wherever he is...

[gary t huntington]

if i Could only  go to heaven for a bit and visit ,kiss tell you i love you miss you ,and ask you what to do am i doing everything ok   babe,    i just want to hold you for a while  kiss your forehead and play with your earlobe. say the dogs miss you and you were suppose to come home again ... .. heartbroken   

[KayC]

After 15 years it feels like a dream that I ever had a life with him, I've been alone for so long...it's intensified with the social isolation.

[Missy1]

I wish everyday to be with him to, I feel disconnected from this life here, it does not make sense any longer. I am grateful for what I have but don’t want any material things anymore. I look around and wonder why, I need to start pairing down. 

If only we could have had more time, maybe there is never enough time when one loses their other half. It’s seems so cruel to be left here flailing, grasping for hope only finding despair. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I need to start pairing down

I am feeling that too but need help with it as my hands hurt and knees and now I pulled a muscle in my groin that makes it hard to walk, let alone get anything done.  Without the help, which George would have provided, I don't know what I can do but stay where I'm at.  I feel like "stuff" is trapping me, I don't know why, interesting to see you mention it.

[Rhonda R]

On ‎6‎/‎1‎/‎2020 at 10:33 AM, KayC said:

After 15 years it feels like a dream that I ever had a life with him, I've been alone for so long

These types of thoughts have really been on my mind lately.  I just told my therapist a couple weeks ago that I am scared for the day where I have been on this earth without him, as long as I was with him.  My mom has been gone for 21 years.  I was 31 when she died.  When I think about what she has missed.  Randy has been gone almost two years, we were together 8 years.  I just, can't imagine 21 years without him.  Of course when my mom died, I couldn't imagine 21 years without her either and yet, here I am. 

I'm feverishly working on projects on my house trying to play beat the clock with June 14th.  His birthday is the next day.  I guess I'm afraid I will fall into some deep dark hole and everything will remain half done.  Maybe I am trying so hard to stay busy that the day passes without much notice but there it is, staring at me like a bullseye.  I miss my husband. 

[gary t huntington]

Yeah my dad’s been gone 33 yrs I was only 17 when he passed away my daughters 17 she’s going through what I went through miss my wife miss my life and know my wife went downhill since we lost our granddaughter at Christmas time she was still born so much sadness losing in the future covid 19 in Toronto March 18 My mind is about to explode and the only one that could ever ever call me down hold me back let Migo know exactly when to pull me in and tell me when to go to bed and shut up Gary was my wife and she’s not here I respected her so much loved her unconditionally you see you in person go through the worst stages of their lives from losing their fingernails and toenails having shave their head f My mind is about to explode and the only one that could ever ever call me down hold me back let Migo know exactly when to pull me in and tell me when to go to bed and shut up Gary was my wife and she’s not here I respected her so much loved her unconditionally you see you in person go through the worst stages of their lives from losing their fingernails and toenails having shave their head for her Being there for everything not even missing a blood test appointment which she thought it was crazy I miss taking care of my wife even during the sadness and sickness I miss that I don’t wish her to have cancer again but I enjoy taking care of her I felt part of it I was fighting the battle with her Learn how to give needles learned how to drain lung drains I would have gladly gladly change places with my wife still well if God came to me today and say do you want your wife back but you have to come without a doubt without a second guess i’m gone just let me hug my kids kiss my wife and let me tell her what she forgot to tell me is that she would be here every day for me and you should be watching over me and that she’ll be waiting for me thank you all for letting me vent today three deaths in six months During a time of isolation my mind and heart can’t take it anymore

[KayC]

Take a deep breath, just do today.  (((hugs)))

[gary t huntington]

drowning in love for my wife is a great feeling, here not physically here rot help my say a float  is  a tsunami .

and thank-you again to all ya that care  from mew , my Girls. and I know someway, somehow my Wife ceressa 

[Missy1]

On 6/4/2020 at 6:32 AM, Rhonda R said:

His birthday is the next day.  I guess I'm afraid I will fall into some deep dark hole and everything will remain half done.  Maybe I am trying so hard to stay busy that the day passes without much notice but there it is, staring at me like a bullseye.  I miss my husband. 

Wow, I have been on a downward trend and feeling very much the same, his Birthday is June 25th. I feel the pull to go to that dark place to. If I focus on it, I feel better, calm, ready to fly. Deep down I know Thant would hurt others, but I pray to be with him.

[KayC]

I'm sorry, Missy.  I'd like to say those days get easier, not sure it does though, it's different for everyone.

In four days is my dad's birthday and parent's anniversary, he died when I was in my 20s, my mom a few years ago. 

In eight day is is George's birthday.

In 13 days is his death day.  In 15 days is Father's Day....he died on Father's Day.  I get a double whammy because of it.

Today is my wayward soon-too-be-ex-son-in-laws birthday.  Why do all these days have to be so hard?

[foreverhis]

On 6/4/2020 at 6:32 AM, Rhonda R said:

I'm feverishly working on projects on my house trying to play beat the clock with June 14th.  His birthday is the next day.  I guess I'm afraid I will fall into some deep dark hole and everything will remain half done.  Maybe I am trying so hard to stay busy that the day passes without much notice but there it is, staring at me like a bullseye.  I miss my husband. 

I am trying to start or continue projects over the summer so that by this fall I'll have stuff finished that I swore I'd do last summer.  But there are days where I just can't seem to get the heck up from the sofa and do it, especially now when the rest of the world seems so bleak.  It's as if the darkness in my own life has spilled out and spread.

It's funny how I'll do almost anything to make the special days and the days leading up to them bearable.  I was supposed to have my screening colonoscopy in March.  Of course it had to be rescheduled because the doctors were only doing emergency or critical procedures.  So I got on the phone with the office and the date they had for me is the day before out anniversary, my second without him.  I didn't even hesitate and took the appointment.  I figure that I'll feel so crappy physically (pun intended) and be so distracted that maybe this year I won't spend a week worrying over how bad the day itself will be.  And I'll be so tired out from everything that I might not spend every waking moment reliving our wedding day and all the anniversaries after it.  Sometimes we treated ourselves to a little getaway, other times like our 25th we celebrated quietly with family or friends, still others we would go for a drive or a picnic and then I'd make us a special dinner at home.  Every one of them, even the last when he was in the hospital, was special to me because he was there.  On our last anniversary, we were coming to terms with the fact that he wasn't going to make it to the next treatment.  He said he was sorry and I said the same to him.  But we were together.

I miss him so much that most days I have to focus only on what I'm doing in the moment, whether it's making a cup of coffee, doing laundry, or writing an email.  Because when I think about how empty the house is without him and how unfair it is, I kind of lose it.  I probably always will.  Our thread of love is unbroken, but he's so far away that I have to take it on faith now.  I wonder if he's okay, if he can hear me, if he'll be waiting for me.  Knowing my imperfections and how many things I could have done better is still so painful, but I guess no one could be harder on me than I am on myself.

[gary t huntington]

We all feel lost his sense of grief is never gonna go away is it? The missing piece of my world four months ago today I had my last meal with it’ll be four months on 11 June since my angel was taken away I’m left here trying to figure out this crazy stupid world that we’re living in by myself Yesterday I posted a picture of us one year ago we went out to a concert we laughed we loved wait a few drinks we laughed some more little did I know then my life would have changed in a year’s time and how much this world has changed she wouldn’t like it I know that I’mFinding myself having more bad days than good but I’m still finding myself waking up every morning being mad that I woke up I don’t like this life really don’t want nothing to do with it I want to thing that’s keeping me here is my kids and when I look back every day seems to be a reminder but more so the beginnings of the month from the first of course through the 11th every month is a constant reminder of what I was doing I looked back at the texts the pictures and I can actually see and hear the words we say and talk Nobody knows nobody feels this except the people that are left behind to wonder when that day will come will they be waiting to hold me as I walk through the gate I do hope that day is soon . Tomorrow is mothering Sunday the church will be handing out flowers on my wife’s behalf by my daughters I think she would like that idea it’s all I can do and everything I do here in this world going forward will be all about her and us

[Missy1]

10 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I miss him so much that most days I have to focus only on what I'm doing in the moment, whether it's making a cup of coffee, doing laundry, or writing an email.  Because when I think about how empty the house is without him and how unfair it is, I kind of lose it.  I probably always will.  Our thread of love is unbroken, but he's so far away that I have to take it on faith now. 

Thank you this  is very insightful and helpful to me. I am able to make it through the day when  I have to concentrate on work. Today I remembered this  part of your post and tried to focus on what I was doing, like cleaning cooking etc.  it helped me keep it together and not constantly be lost. 

[KayC]

It was one year ago today that I got my Arlie's cancer diagnosis.  My world as I knew it would never again be the same.  I miss him more than I can say, he is what kept me going over the years since losing my George.  I miss his beautiful sweet face, his goofy funloving spirit, oh God I miss him!

[gary t huntington]

Well I do not know how to post a pic on here I’ve tried numerous times but I understand my dogs and my kids keep me going is a sit here petting my dogs giving then a kiss Looking at their mom’s picture on the wall and holding our urn Think about what I went through today with it being mothering Sunday at our church how I felt my wife’s presence I miss my wife got I miss everything about her her life her smell her body her flaws or anger her laughter Taking care of her I miss her I miss us can’t wait to the day I become us again I’m looking forward to that sooner than later

[Missy1]

@KayC Arlie was gorgeous, I am sorry you had to go through that pain and loss, he was a little furry angel sent to comfort and love you! 
@gary t huntington it’s such an amazing, joyful feeling to feel them by our sides. I have felt his presence very strongly at times. Today I was trying to nap and I woke up because I felt that he watching me. Then i realize he was no longer here. If only there some way to turn back time, I long for the day I can be reunited with my husband as well. 

[gary t huntington]

We will all meet in Heaven for a drink one day. 

I can not wait till I held again by her

[KayC]

Gary, click on "choose files" and then look in your PC for the file you want, click on that, then open, it will download your picture.

[gary t huntington]

file is to be on my pc it says max size 0.49mb

[foreverhis]

13 hours ago, gary t huntington said:

file is to be on my pc it says max size 0.49mb

Yeah, it's a bother.  I had to go into one of our photo editing programs and resize photo properties/quality down until they were small enough to be posted here.  Once I did that, I had no problem posting them.  It's getting the size small enough to work that takes some fussing.

On 6/7/2020 at 2:21 PM, KayC said:

It was one year ago today that I got my Arlie's cancer diagnosis.  My world as I knew it would never again be the same.  I miss him more than I can say, he is what kept me going over the years since losing my George.  I miss his beautiful sweet face, his goofy funloving spirit, oh God I miss him!

He was such a beautiful boy.  I just know he will be waiting for you with George when it's your time.  Such a spirit and soul as his, such love you shared with him, is eternal.  But it's so hard for you now to be without him, to be without them both.  I'm sorry.

((hugs))

 

[Missy1]

Being alone is so difficult, as I read others struggles and face my own each day, it’s exhausting but I choose to go solo to. I will stick with my life as long as God allows. It’s soul wrenching to go this road by oneself. The world is not a nice place, I have no hero left here to protect me. No one that understands or even truly cares to know about my day or whether I live or die.  

I admire those of you accomplishing things and understand that your pain and grief are part of everything you accomplish and perhaps pushing you. I truly respect each and everyone who gets up and fights through another day.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, gary t huntington said:

file is to be on my pc it says max size 0.49mb

Right click your file, open in paint, and resize it to maybe 30% and then check the size in properties.  Resize again if necessary.  

[KayC]

21 hours ago, foreverhis said:

He was such a beautiful boy.  I just know he will be waiting for you with George when it's your time.  Such a spirit and soul as his, such love you shared with him, is eternal.  But it's so hard for you now to be without him, to be without them both.  I'm sorry.

((hugs))

Thank you, yes it was a hard day remembering, that is when my life changed overnight.  I can't tell him enough how much I love him.  I feel some comfort in knowing he has George to take care of him now, even though George hadn't met him, I think he was aware of him and knows him from watching.  I don't know how all this works, I just know that's how I feel.

11 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Being alone is so difficult, as I read others struggles and face my own each day, it’s exhausting but I choose to go solo to. I will stick with my life as long as God allows. It’s soul wrenching to go this road by oneself. The world is not a nice place, I have no hero left here to protect me. No one that understands or even truly cares to know about my day or whether I live or die.  

I admire those of you accomplishing things and understand that your pain and grief are part of everything you accomplish and perhaps pushing you. I truly respect each and everyone who gets up and fights through another day.

(((hugs))) Love you, Missy!

[gary t huntington]

16 minutes ago, KayC said:

Right click your file, open in paint, and resize it to maybe 30% and then check the size in properties.  Resize again if necessary.  

OMg thank-you 

[KayC]

OMG, that is a beautiful picture of the two of you!  What a handsome couple!  Thank you for sharing that with us!

[gary t huntington]

5 minutes ago, gary t huntington said:

OMg thank-you 

My one and Only true love One Our Day

[KayC]

Beautiful!  The love is very evident.  I love this one.

[gary t huntington]

16 minutes ago, KayC said:

OMG, that is a beautiful picture of the two of you!  What a handsome couple!  Thank you for sharing that with us!

this is what is killing me,slowly each day  i want to be this again my life ,my love,My world  I can, not do mucjh more   i had it. I want it back 

[gary t huntington]

[gary t huntington]

3 minutes ago, gary t huntington said:

Save the sunset for me please my love I’ll be there haven’t they say is a peaceful place that people go there I’ve seen joyful looking after their love ones on earth well I’m in a lot of pain my love but I miss you so much

[gary t huntington]

1 hour ago, gary t huntington said:

Save the sunset for me please my love I’ll be there haven’t they say is a peaceful place that people go there I’ve seen joyful looking after their love ones on earth well I’m in a lot of pain my love but I miss you so much

[gary t huntington]

Thank you very much pictures don’t do her justice she was a God givinn, godsent angel I just wish I had more time 13 years today for the first time what I wouldn’t give to go back 13 years and relive tonight all over again we laugh so much we dance we kiss I was saying I’m doing a lot of reading about Heaven What people say it’s like how peaceful it is what it’s like for the people that have passed what are they do I need to know she’s safe obviously she’s in gods hands so she’s got to be but that was my job to protect  I am. Her husband . If you’re Heaven He’s like what I said and they look down upon us protecting us and guiding  Us and honey if you were listening to me I need more guidance because I’m going crazy here without you ,don’t wanna do it anymore I look at the pictures I see happiness and love I can’t make new pictures you’re not there so they’ll be no happiness and no love

[KayC]

Oh Gary, I feel your pain emanating from you, I wish I could relieve it but alas I don't even know how to do that with my own pain.    We're here though and we care...

[foreverhis]

17 hours ago, gary t huntington said:

Thank you very much pictures don’t do her justice she was a God givinn, godsent angel

Reading your sweet, heartfelt post, I was reminded of a song, "Perfect" that came on the radio just a month or so after my husband died.  I was flipping stations and nothing was appealing to me.  I'd never heard this one, but the tune and words forced me to pull the car over and just try to breathe.  What kept coming to me was the repeated line he sings to his love that "I don't deserve this" because that's how I was feeling, as if I hadn't deserved my love, as if I had failed him.  But it's also about that one true love, when you just know it's right.  This is the final refrain:

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, we're listenin' to our favorite song
I have faith in what I see
Now I know I have met an angel in person
And she looks perfect
No, I don't deserve this
You look perfect tonight

 

Gary, Your wife is lovely and your family is beautiful.  Such love as we here have found is the hardest to lose in this life and wait to be reunited in the next.

[gary t huntington]

Wow oh my God wow it’s been a rough couple of days probably the hardest is Ceressa died It’s really hitting me hard especially the past two days knowing tomorrow is  4months And I know what I was doing four months ago today what I am saying oh my God is always praying for a sign that she would show me something think she might’ve just did you see UCAnd I know what I was doing four months ago today what I am saying oh my God is always praying for a sign that she would show me something think she might’ve just did you see the song that you   Just sent me “perfect” was is the last song we danced to ,and she used to sing it to me all the time .   As I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out ,,,thankyou 

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, gary t huntington said:

“perfect” was is the last song we danced to ,and she used to sing it to me all the time .

Oh my gosh.  Wow.  Maybe it's more than a coincidence, I hope.  I don't think I've ever been the messenger before, but I'd be so very honored if Ceressa was able to get that reminder of her love to you through me.

[gary t huntington]

I’ve been crying all afternoon pass for a month actually but for today’s some reason has really thrown me for a loop What did they say 120 days and nights?? My wife was my life gays it was an honour and privilege to call her that she was my soul when I lost her I died as well but I’m still your breathing  .  To you ladies and gentlemen I know we’re all in the same spot we all miss our spouses our lives have been turned upside down and inside out we don’t know whether to sink or swim we can get badged around through the waves of the rocks I’m reaching for my wife’s hand to pull me up Heaven  with her I guess then it will be  “perfect “ Eternity 

[Missy1]

3 hours ago, gary t huntington said:

I’ve been crying all afternoon pass for a month actually but for today’s some reason has really thrown me for a loop What did they say 120 days and nights?? My wife was my life gays it was an honour and privilege to call her that she was my soul when I lost her I died as well but I’m still your breathing  .  To you ladies and gentlemen I know we’re all in the same spot we all miss our spouses our lives have been turned upside down and inside out we don’t know whether to sink or swim we can get badged around through the waves of the rocks I’m reaching for my wife’s hand to pull me up Heaven  with her I guess then it will be  “perfect “ Eternity 

Such a Beautiful life you were lucky enough to share with your beautiful wife! I feel the same, that’s why we all are so devastated we had an amazing love that ended to soon. I doubt there are ever enough years together when you lose your soulmate.

Life is so very bleak without our love, nothing will ever be that joyful or happy ever again, sadly. Life is barely tolerable now, I have not laughed, sang or danced around the house since he died. I see changes, the marks and wounds left on on my soul from him being torn away still bleed. 

[KayC]

Wow that's amazing, that forever his gave you the words to that song...and it is the song you last danced to.  Amazing.

[gary t huntington]

It’s been really rough for months I honestly don’t know if I’m gonna make another Day let alone another four months loving and missing my wife Ceressa is like breathing so every breath I take I take with love for her .but I so want to join her Seeing all the messages that we sent the room is still the same as a morning she left here (Yes folks I have washed the sheets). My wife will kick my ass if I didn’t...

But I did add a new book Timothy Keller walking with God through pain and suffering I got into reading before he try to fall asleep at night I guess someone helps but I started sleeping on my wife’s side of the bed this week I need to feel close to her see what she seen from her point Of you from her side It’s  pretty comfortable. Miss her every second of the day everything I’m doing living for it’s not for me it’s for her part of me still think she’s gonna come home and say what “the hell is going on with this world I’m never leaving the house again It’s crazy out there” She probably would’ve dropped in a few swearwords to.Still finding it harder to breathe I’m bored with my life I’m bored without her I don’t like my life and I can’t picture moving forward without her physically beside me ...my event of the day I guess Looking forward to bed tonight

* and she loved her my lilacs So from our tree I pick some put her picture close by hopefully her wine glass is full love you honey

[gary t huntington]

4 hours ago, gary t huntington said:

It’s been really rough for months I honestly don’t know if I’m gonna make another Day let alone another four months loving and missing my wife Ceressa is like breathing so every breath I take I take with love for her .but I so want to join her Seeing all the messages that we sent the room is still the same as a morning she left here (Yes folks I have washed the sheets). My wife will kick my ass if I didn’t...

But I did add a new book Timothy Keller walking with God through pain and suffering I got into reading before he try to fall asleep at night I guess someone helps but I started sleeping on my wife’s side of the bed this week I need to feel close to her see what she seen from her point Of you from her side It’s  pretty comfortable. Miss her every second of the day everything I’m doing living for it’s not for me it’s for her part of me still think she’s gonna come home and say what “the hell is going on with this world I’m never leaving the house again It’s crazy out there” She probably would’ve dropped in a few swearwords to.Still finding it harder to breathe I’m bored with my life I’m bored without her I don’t like my life and I can’t picture moving forward without her physically beside me ...my event of the day I guess Looking forward to bed tonight

* and she loved her my lilacs So from our tree I pick some put her picture close by hopefully her wine glass is full love you honey

My sunrise my sunset,  my reason  The true meaning of life it’s self ,I love and miss you to the heaven’s above 

[KayC]

That book sounds like a good read!  Your pictures are beautiful.

[gary t huntington]

 Thank you everyone as I’m saying it’s been absolutely horrible he’s past couple weeks 19 weeks today 315 Atlantic time I remember kissing my wife for some reason I looked at the clock 15 hours later she was gone how why miss you so much much I  died  Also that day and I forgot to take me . I’m still here you can come get me ...I’m waiting my love 

[gary t huntington]

Hey evening. The last memory I have of my  Beautiful wife leaving her home was walking outside waiting to get into the ambulance at 5 AM in the morning and telling the paramedics to watch the step it’s quite high due to the area and we had had sunk from the snow We originally planned that we were going to get it done my summer then she got sick so we put it off well for the past couple of weeks I had somebody come and put the base down but the interlocking & flowers landscaping I did with my wife looking over my   Shoulder this past week I honestly can hear her saying to me and me replying (yes babe  I know it goes this way. And you want it that way.) There’s a lot of tears but the flowers will grow back every year and will always be a constant reminder of my beautiful beautiful wife because the one of her leaving here the last time was her complaining. About  the step. I may have my children beside me and with me but I so miss my wife and I change places with her any day unconditional love is what I had for her seen her at her worst moment and still fell in love with her more and more I’m still falling today Y’all have been there for me the past four months I tell her about this group when I talk to her in the message so here’s the pictures folks thank you for allowing me to share I love you baby this is for youY’all have been there for me the past four months I tell her about this group when I talk to her in the message so here’s the pictures folks thank you for allowing me to share I love you baby this is for you

[KayC]

I'm glad we have the others on this group to share in this together with so we aren't so alone.  Your pictures of what you have done are beautiful.

[gary t huntington]

Thank you yeah that’s the only thing I got left in me it’s just doing things that would make my wife happy so we on her way I miss her it is definitely the way I love her . 
I don’t know if it’s just me but I find that people don’t talk about my wife is much is that used to I understand the letting her rest But I am so consumed by her that’s all I think about nobody bothers with me because that’s all I want to talk about is willing my beautiful wife you’re my wrong it might doing anything wrong because nobody really bothers with me anymore it’s only been Sine  February 11  She was my life and I don’t know how to move forward without her and I really don’t want to wrong with me I’m just so ready to leave this world

[Missy1]

I want to talk about my husband all the time to. I noticed that lately when I talk about my husband people go silent and try to change the subject. I think about him every waking hour  I do have distractions but everything I do stirs a memory or a thought about him.

All those things that have you have done in her honor are beautiful and I am bet she is smiling down on you or her spirit by your side. I think it allows you some peace as you know she would love all those gestures of your love for her. Thanks for sharing it nice to see positive things.

[gary t huntington]

I know its so hard when we are consumed by their deaths and our  lives standing still ,yet moving forward as we try to hold onto our life as we know it , neighbors had a graduation party today.  i show up to say congrats to thier son  as we really like him i could not wait to leave , i walk into our home, and hit me  all over again, i don,t want to do this , yet have no choice with the kids needing me still. i  am needing my wife her beside me. thats all i want  

[KayC]

Gary, it's the hardest thing in the world but I can honestly say we get used to this a bit eventually, Lord knows how long that takes, time becomes a blur.