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advise on lose of wife /soulmate


gary t huntington

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gary t huntington

I so agree with you many times over My wife being a american my self Canadian, we had the best of both  love our countries , But i know priorities are Missed up when it comes to cancer  diabetes   it big $ from big Pharmaceutical companies..  i know they could cure it all ... Mind blowing and a total disappointment,    

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Personally I wonder if the government is getting kickbacks from big pharma.  Some doctors are, although I worked for one who never would have stooped to that!

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gary t huntington

The news tonight said they’re trying to find a vaccine for this virus disease could be one in 12 to 18 months people been dying from cancer diabetes liver disease I’m just naming a few that I can think of my head they’re putting all this money into this but again 9.2 Million people around the world died from cancer in 2018 ,9.2 million in one year children to the elderly Whether you’re white you’re black cancer has zero car zero compassion for any race and they’re going to invest all this money into finding a cure that could take possibly 10 years I’m sorry I’m bitter because I know they could come up with a cure for cancer it would save my father Will save my friend and I would have saved my wife which is  mine in my kids life

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peach_2003

by now medical advances should be further along then what it is. 

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Right after my dog died (cancer), and he was everything to me because my husband has been gone for 15 years and all I had was Arlie and he was an amazing companion...they announced they were building a dog cancer center in the nearest city, about 70 miles away.  I remember feeling crestfallen that it came too late for Arlie.  I'm happy for those whose lives are saved but heartbroken that your wife and my dog had to suffer to death.  I watched cancer take my MIL years ago, bit by bit, it was the hardest thing I've ever witnessed and watching my dog go through it was horrid.  At least I could have him put to sleep before he couldn't walk or eat at all.  I relate to your feelings, no words adequate.  :(

 

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gary t huntington

as i sit by the pool and have my coffee sun  up. i can,t help but get so emotional seems like its getting worse 3.5 months  into it and its still hard to breath,  i have not gone back to work yet and i off on Ltd to end of august  right now ,   life has change everything i worked so hard for  was for her and ,,us down the road .  there is no us    physically now  .  i remembering memories and not creating them the only really high light of my day is at night  for a while now i been  our Urn at night for hrs before i go to bed and try to sleep  i know ceressa would want me to smile and be happy ,, I can,t i feel guilty for even thinking that or saying it. its not fair that i will see thing going forward and will net be able to with ceressa  , she knew i would have so much trouble with this and goodbye .. she did not want to leave me with that ... God i miss her so much 

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5 hours ago, gary t huntington said:

seems like its getting worse 3.5 months  into it

That is common/normal as the shock wears off, support dries up, we're left with the reality of it.  They say around six months is the hardest, give or take a couple of months.  Everyone is individual/unique.

If it's any consolation, she would be having as hard a time of it as you are if roles were reversed, this just isn't easy for anyone going through it.  Esp. when it's your soulmate and best friend.

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foreverhis
On 5/14/2020 at 4:21 PM, gary t huntington said:

The news tonight said they’re trying to find a vaccine for this virus disease could be one in 12 to 18 months people been dying from cancer diabetes liver disease I’m just naming a few that I can think of my head

I’m sorry I’m bitter because I know they could come up with a cure for cancer

I completely understand that bitterness.  Whenever I see an advertisement for new cancer therapies, I want to throw something at the TV.  I swear that if they come up with a cure for bladder cancer tomorrow, I will punch something while screaming profanities.  I get really angry that nearly all of cancer research funding goes into "popular" cancers, even though I know they are the most common and often easiest to diagnose.  My mom died from pancreatic cancer; my husband from bladder cancer.  Research into those is limited, in part because they're harder to diagnose and are often found later.  I also realize that there are so many types of cancer that there will probably never be a single cure for them all.  But a cure for one would lead to a cure for others. 

It makes me angry every day that my love's cancer wasn't diagnosed until it was more advanced, that the doctor didn't take his change in symptoms seriously enough, that I didn't demand that the doctors and my husband address his condition sooner, that I didn't move fast enough and let things slide a bit because he wasn't that concerned, and on and on.  I believe that someday there will be a cure for all cancers, but it's too late to do us any good.  And so my feelings about the medical community are less than charitable.

I understand why there is so much emphasis and money being put toward research and finding a vaccine and treatments for covid-19.  It's both aggressive and extremely contagious.  Cancer is an aggressive bastard, but it is not contagious.  So right now, effort needs to be focused on covid.  But I firmly believe it should be in addition to, not instead of research and funding for cancers and other diseases.  That's what make me angry, this pretense that it can only be one or the other.  That is morally and ethically wrong.

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There is so much greed and corruption involved in that business in general. If there was a cure it would probably be very expensive and not affordable by most. Our Heath care system is in bad shape. The Pharma price gouging and profiteering! It is disgusting...

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Mandy isabella
On 4/10/2020 at 11:53 AM, gary t huntington said:

 Good afternoon everyone when  you feel you can’t breathe without your soulmate by your side...  I recently lost my wife February 11, 2020 After a three-year battle with triple negative breast cancer after chemo radiation she had no evidence of cancer from July  2017 till august 2019 than re-occurred &within five months she was gone

My life as I know it as my children and I know it  Our present,Our future Eventually our retirement sitting on the beach watching the sunrise and sunsets are gone I live in my past and that’s where I was most happy even when my wife was ill  i never left her side during the past 3 yrs  not even for blood test, I’m 49 years old she died three days before our wedding anniversary February 14 Valentine’s Day. My kids seem to be holding it together at least in front of me. We have three girls one of them with disabilities her birthday is Sunday she  be 21 Followed by a 16-year-old and a 15-year-old all girls are missing their mom , myself I  a wreck finding it hard to breathe 2 months later still the clichés suck I do believe in God I do believe that one day I will be with her I just wish I could be with her now grief is a form of love that you can’t express physically to that person. it’s been 60 days and 60 nights tomorrow since I talk to my wife feels like yesterday, but yet eternity I sleep with pillows all bunched up beside me and her picture on her bed. she was my soulmate my lifeline, she was my therapist, unconditional love, everlasting love, I sleep with pillows all bunched up beside me and her picture on her bed she was my soulmate, my lifeline, she was my therapist, unconditional love, everlasting love,finding it so hard to breathe without her, spring is here summer is coming, yetmy world is standing still. I’m finding it hard to breathe without her I’m looking  forward To my happiness in my life does end We will be together again. but the pain of losing her is unbearable  how to continue on wards  still finding it hard to breath ,  can someone give me some advice?

I am so so sorry for what you are going through the only thing that has helped me some is really talking to God, cry let it all out. My husband died suddenly Feb 1st and left no will, I had to leave it all behind and move to California...I'm learning to just take one day at a time, one hour at a time even one minute at a time..try very hard not to dwell too much in the past if you can, I know it's hard. Your girls need you and they are gifts that you both created together. Know that your wife is pain free and at peace. That gives me a bit of comfort knowing this with my husband, I shall pray for you and hope one day you find the peace you are looking for. 

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gary t huntington

How do you do that to God I talk to him every day I see a prayer every night as I’m looking at my wife before I go to bed it’s become a habit a good one missing her I missing me and Missy us the things we used to do I can see her walking her voice I smell her in the closet when I walk in to it you’re closer there my God she had such beautiful clothes I don’t even know what to do all I know is you’re not hurting anybody there so many shoes my god so many  How does one woman needs so many issues LOL.  I just got the evil stare from her LOL I miss you honey I know she’s not in any pain It’s Our pain that’s left on you get to live it you stay missing all the things that you do can you share together you missed doing together and I feel guilty doing . One person asked me if I’d ever consider dating again or being in a relationship I can’t Breathe one moment to another so I don’t even know the type of person I’m oil loyal I probably end up feeling guilty I even talkEd to another women alone  49 years old I feel I’m done

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I know that feeling, I can’t imagine ever being with anyone else, it wouldn’t work my love will always be for Him.

I look at his tools in his workshop and wonder the same, my god why does one man need all these tools and gadgets, lol. He was great at fixing everything and did so many amazing projects in the house and yard, he left his mark in life and I see him in everything. Life without him in it is cruel and empty. They say the pain dulls over time, after almost 4 months I don’t see it. I am just getting tired of living like this, empty.

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gary t huntington

I hear you I feel you I feel the same thing took me a while please no and may be different but we are in this together say feel anything you want I will understand my wife and I had the saying Love you from sunrise to sunsets I made her a flower garden last week with flowering bushes I will come back every year  He gets the sunrise and the police gets sunsets I made her a plaque alsoThat says sunrise and sunsets forever Ceressa’s place,

Just now, gary t huntington said:

I hear you I feel you I feel the same thing took me a while please no and may be different but we are in this together say feel anything you want I will understand my wife and I had the saying Love you from sunrise to sunsets I made her a flower garden last week with flowering bushes I will come back every year  He gets the sunrise and the police gets sunsets I made her a plaque alsoThat says sunrise and sunsets forever Ceressa’s place,

Also Last year she wanted to have her kitchen table restained It’s a huge kitchen dining room table well today they are coming to get it it’s going to be professionally done for her

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Honoring your wife with all those gestures is very beautiful. I try to honor my husband’s life it still brings more sadness than joy. 

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Mandy isabella

Really nice things to do for your wife.

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foreverhis
12 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I look at his tools in his workshop and wonder the same, my god why does one man need all these tools and gadgets, lol. He was great at fixing everything and did so many amazing projects in the house and yard, he left his mark in life and I see him in everything.

Oh my God, YES!  My husband was a CPA and consultant, but his avocations were as a musician (that's how I snagged him--we met in the theater) and woodworking.  His strong hands and design eye created such beautiful and functional things.  He was meticulous.  Actually, it kind of drove my mom nuts at one point.  She wanted raised planter boxes to run along her side yard in the manufactured-home park where she lived.  We're talking nearly 25 feet!  She wanted a watering system that could go in it, etc.  Well, my love designed beautiful ones with craftsman-style finishes, a rail system to hold them, and--I loved this--a way for the watering system to come up through the bottom of each box so it was completely hidden.  Naturally, it took time to find the right wood, not just for looks but for durability, and he decided to buy his first Kreg kit to do them so all the screws and hardware would be recessed.  Boy, he used those Kreg tools all the time from then on.  I could never say no when he wanted an add on because he used the darn things, they weren't just to show on a shelf.  Anyway, it took him a number of months to do the whole project, especially because it wasn't exactly the only thing he was doing at the time.  He had other activities and was working on stuff for our home as well.  One day my mother was complaining, "Why can't he just throw it together?"  I told her if she wanted something like that, she shouldn't have asked a wood artist to make them for her.  She could have fast and crappy or wait a bit and have beautiful and long-lasting.  That shut her up for a while.

He had a thing for clamps.  He must have 100--probably more--out there in the workshop, all for different uses and all well used.  I would tease him, "How many clamps does one man need?"  He'd look at me, smirk, and say, "Oh really?  How many knives does one cook need?"  Then he'd go in, go through my knife block, take out what needed sharpening, and grab his sharpening kit.  All the while we'd be smiling and laughing with each other about our personal "addictions."

Everywhere I look, especially outside, there he is.  He was so clever and artistic, considering wood to be no different from any other artist's material.  That's one reason I stopped the gal at the funeral home when she started going through "container" options for cremation.  I said, "My husband is a woodworker.  He would kill me if I spent money on that walnut inlaid oak casket just to have it destroyed because of him."  She said, "Got it.  So, the reinforced cardboard then?"  Well, yes--and it was even recycled materials.  Inside, I could hear him saying, "That's right.  We don't destroy wood, we honor it.  Atta girl."

I still have only gone through part of his workshop and then only because I couldn't find stuff I absolutely needed and couldn't get around without hurting myself.  He had been in the middle of rearranging the whole thing and had started two new projects when he was diagnosed.  He tried to work on it during treatment, but he simply couldn't.  So there it all sat, just as he left it, until I had no choice but to start doing something about it.  I'm sure someday I'll tackle more and sell some of the big tools I know I'll never use.  I do believe he'd want someone else to have them, to use them to create things, but it will have to wait for now.

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@foreverhis loved your post, I had to laugh, my hubby had a thing for clamps to! Ha ha. I would tease him to. We still settling in our new house and his newly built workshop was not yet set up. It’s a mess I must face some day. His tools were his toys. 

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I just now got rid of his workbench...it sat in my polebarn where he'd left it years ago but I needed the space to store firewood and I can't lift it and have never used it so I let my neighbor have it.  I know it's what George would have had me do, he always cared about people, was always giving them things and it makes sense instead of holding onto it, but in those early years...no way.

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gary t huntington
18 hours ago, Mandy isabella said:

Really nice things to do for your wife.

Thank you she deserves it I find it so hard so much for cherry trees blossom of coffee on my deck around the pool I got to believe she’s here beside me And the girls warmer three daughters has disabilities she has seizures 15 to 20 a day She’s been having them since she’s been 18 that’s all she’s noe 21 So I’m doing the things that would make my wife happy because it made me happy making my wife happy some people take things for granted in life and what they got they don’t realize what they have until it’s gone then some people don’t respect but the we will go out there and they’ll mess Around on their spouses it’s 6:30 in the morning where I live I’m lying in bed and pictures of my wife in our bedroom Above our mirror by my dresser I walk in the closet and I can smell her resent her clothes her shoes everything is weird she left for months later “Honey I really miss you.

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Mandy isabella
3 hours ago, gary t huntington said:

Thank you she deserves it I find it so hard so much for cherry trees blossom of coffee on my deck around the pool I got to believe she’s here beside me And the girls warmer three daughters has disabilities she has seizures 15 to 20 a day She’s been having them since she’s been 18 that’s all she’s noe 21 So I’m doing the things that would make my wife happy because it made me happy making my wife happy some people take things for granted in life and what they got they don’t realize what they have until it’s gone then some people don’t respect but the we will go out there and they’ll mess Around on their spouses it’s 6:30 in the morning where I live I’m lying in bed and pictures of my wife in our bedroom Above our mirror by my dresser I walk in the closet and I can smell her resent her clothes her shoes everything is weird she left for months later “Honey I really miss you.

Hi Gary I feel your pain. Its wonderful what you are doing in your wife's memory, I'm sure shes smiling down on all of you. 

Mandy

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gary t huntington
41 minutes ago, Mandy isabella said:

Hi Gary I feel your pain. Its wonderful what you are doing in your wife's memory, I'm sure shes smiling down on all of you. 

Mandy

Thank you so much Mandy it’s been hard (4  months) tonight  We ate our last meal together I made some veal cutlets with some pasta  With asparagus With prosciutto I didn’t know it would be our last meal together actually sitting at the table together I can still see her looking at me and say honey this is delicious thank you she only lasted about two hours sitting up eating dinner with us then she went back to bed but I remember that I’ll never forget It the following day she slept the whole day I will need to get up and have a bowl of tomato soup back to bed and the next day was hospital  Having a hard job moving forward neighbours are all acting as if life is going on and they’re doing a couple things so it’s gardening having wine around the deck and barbeques A lot of people are doing that I’m living in my past trying to make my wife happy open she’s looking down on me and smiling and missing me as much as I miss her I can’t move forward people say to move forward without her I’m not happy moving forward I was happy my past so I just stay in my home and try to do the things outside while everybody’s away so they don’t really see me and I don’t need to see them doing the couples thing What few friends I have are all couples so I try to avoid that situation as well I’m just not ready so me doing the stuff to honour her memory is really nothing I’d give my life to have hers back she would do a lot better if the roles were reversed thank you again for your kind words mame

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Mandy isabella
51 minutes ago, gary t huntington said:

Thank you so much Mandy it’s been hard (4  months) tonight  We ate our last meal together I made some veal cutlets with some pasta  With asparagus With prosciutto I didn’t know it would be our last meal together actually sitting at the table together I can still see her looking at me and say honey this is delicious thank you she only lasted about two hours sitting up eating dinner with us then she went back to bed but I remember that I’ll never forget It the following day she slept the whole day I will need to get up and have a bowl of tomato soup back to bed and the next day was hospital  Having a hard job moving forward neighbours are all acting as if life is going on and they’re doing a couple things so it’s gardening having wine around the deck and barbeques A lot of people are doing that I’m living in my past trying to make my wife happy open she’s looking down on me and smiling and missing me as much as I miss her I can’t move forward people say to move forward without her I’m not happy moving forward I was happy my past so I just stay in my home and try to do the things outside while everybody’s away so they don’t really see me and I don’t need to see them doing the couples thing What few friends I have are all couples so I try to avoid that situation as well I’m just not ready so me doing the stuff to honour her memory is really nothing I’d give my life to have hers back she would do a lot better if the roles were reversed thank you again for your kind words mame

You are very welcome! Just keep doing what you feel is best ar this time. ♡

7 minutes ago, Mandy isabella said:

You are very welcome! Just keep doing what you feel is best ar this time. ♡

At

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gary t huntington

Good evening today’s going to be one of the toughest days I’ve had go through her texts or emails look at your pictures they run out and make sure the plants are watered Have her parents call me court information in regards to her dad for banking purposes it’s just seems unfair I can’t honestly go on much longer like this I look at pictures I give the dogs hugs honestly don’t even feel like eating life is not fair there’s so many bad people in the world that could’ve been taken instead of ceressa  and probably your spouses to I know that I’m only here to keep my kids from being parentless because there’s nothing really else for me there’s no hugs there’s no want through the door hi honey there’s no more getting mad at me there’s no more Being intimate after she’s mad at me open we make up but I miss her and I miss you’re telling me I love you I miss her telling me I love you I really .

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gary t huntington

everyone moves forward I can not i love where i was , I don,t want to,  ......this is getting tougher 

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I understand, I have no intention of moving forward either, ever! I had everything I wanted in my husband. I hate going anywhere without him. I went to have some BBQ at a new friend’s  a woman who lost her husband, friends of hers. Very low key, it was still very difficult. I cried all the way home, I don’t want new friends, I don’t want new anything! I can’t help the way I feel, I don’t care what anyone else thinks either! Life isn’t fair...

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gary t huntington
5 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I understand, I have no intention of moving forward either, ever! I had everything I wanted in my husband. I hate going anywhere without him. I went to have some BBQ at a new friend’s  a woman who lost her husband, friends of hers. Very low key, it was still very difficult. I cried all the way home, I don’t want new friends, I don’t want new anything! I can’t help the way I feel, I don’t care what anyone else thinks either! Life isn’t fair...

That’s exactly how I feel can’t do this it’s not right it doesn’t feel right when you try to take Splaine to somebody that has not been through going through it they talk about time Time will heal time will allow you to move forward and I always feel like this but I don’t want to feel like this I don’t and I don’t want to feel like what time will bring I want to feel what I felt last spring on this day last June see my daughter graduate grade 8 see my daughter go to her prom I don’t want to be intimate with anybody I want to be intimate with my wife I want to hold her talk to her tell her my horror stories my worst thoughts my happy place is a happy thoughts My soulmate she was the only one 49 years old I Gotta do this by myself it’s not for meMy soulmate she was the only one 49 years old I Gotta do this by myself it’s not for me

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gary t huntington

People talk about a time sweet time time will you die will do this time with time you will be able to go here go there not feel lonely I couldn’t agree with you more I tried doing what you did I cried I have to leave I want my old life back. One minute I’m happy she’s happy she’s not sick we’re actually starting to be a couple again as our kids are getting older and we can go out on a date with a feeling we have to drag three other children with this I’m never going to get that again with her let’s go for lobster and steak again in the past restaurants that we went to I can’t even fathom fine I’ll be intimate with somebody will be forward with another person 49 years old I get a feel like this this life is not for me

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gary t huntington

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss as well I wish there were something I could do to bring my wife back and everybody spouse  back and I didn’t deserve to go. I wish I could say it gets easier for me it’s 15 weeks today since were in the hospital thinking she’s just having a bad reaction to some medicine in her somethings going on not knowing both of us that within the next 18 hours my wife would be gone in my life forever change done but still here still numb I’m not liking where it’s going and who I became without them The one thing you can vent you can say anything on this website and we all know how you feel when I have a bad day and I’ve had a lot of them I let it be known I get it out people are never met before complete strangers but we all have the same feelings we all know where you’re coming from And where you’re going I still fall in love with my wife every day I talk to her I hold her in our urn Nightly as I sip my glass of wine by our pool outside no one will ever take her place and I’m 49 years old and I’ve loved a woman like there’s no other in the world

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I wouldn’t want to be with anyone again just for the simple fact that I don’t want to go thru this again. My mom has a friend that had 2 husbands die from cancer. F that! I never want to go thru the pain, this half existence, depression, heartbrokeness, etc again. It all keeps me from wanting to ever love anyone again. 

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Autocharge
On 4/10/2020 at 12:53 PM, gary t huntington said:

can someone give me some advice?

Hello

The best pice of advice I ever got was from my cousin (which  lost his wife many years ago).

" Just get out of bed everyday"

I too lost my wife to Cancer, If you care to read about my experience please do so. (Autocharge my experience )

Autocharge

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Exactly! love ends in loss, I had my once in a lifetime love, I have had enough tragedy. I have choices, learn to exist in this life by myself or leave this life. I want to honor and love his life, our life together. I want people to remember that he was kind, generous and sensitive. He loved me more than life itself. 
@gary t huntington I feel the same way, we have a very hard road ahead and we have to carry the load now. I think it’s beautiful how you have memorialized your wife. No doubt you two loved each other more than words can say. Keep posting and know we are here, not complete strangers, we are tied together by our life’s loss. I wish you peace today.

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foreverhis
On 5/22/2020 at 1:05 PM, Missy1 said:

@foreverhis loved your post, I had to laugh, my hubby had a thing for clamps to! Ha ha. I would tease him to. We still settling in our new house and his newly built workshop was not yet set up. It’s a mess I must face some day. His tools were his toys. 

Isn't that something.  I mean, I totally understand why he had so many different types of clamps in so many sizes, but I look at them and just shake my head over how excited he would be if one he'd been wanting went on a really good sale.  We had a "rule" that either of us could buy something we needed  ("wanted" items came out of our individual monthly "pin money") as long as the purchase was less than $50.  Anything over that, we'd sit down and check the budget for the month to decide.  So he might come home with six new clamps he needed that he got on a BOGO sale, keeping it under $50.  Then he'd just sit there and check them out for a while before heading out to the workshop. 

It gave him such joy to be creating that I never once complained when he'd come into the house trailing sawdust or other bits of detritus from his projects.  He'd try to minimize it outside, but we called it his "Pigpen cloud."  (From "Peanuts" for you youngsters, just in case you don't know that one.)  He'd be all sweaty, either grinning over something good or puzzling over something that didn't work quite right.  I always thought he smelled so good coming in like that.  Natural and manly, not stinky, with bits of sawn wood and other workshop materials wafting off of him.  He'd drop his clothes in the laundry and head up for a shower while I grabbed the little vacuum and cleaned up the floor.  I never minded doing that, ever.

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foreverhis
On 5/23/2020 at 7:35 AM, gary t huntington said:

Having a hard job moving forward neighbours are all acting as if life is going on and they’re doing a couple things so it’s gardening having wine around the deck and barbeques A lot of people are doing that I’m living in my past trying to make my wife happy open she’s looking down on me and smiling and missing me as much as I miss her I can’t move forward people say to move forward without her

That's one of the harder things, at least for me and especially when it's friends and family.  Other people's lives go on as they were before, while we're standing alone in quicksand that threatens to suck us down with every breath.  It drives home both what we've lost and how unfair it is.

I have no doubt that she is missing you as much as you miss her.  We who have found that one person, our soulmate, understand this in ways that others do not.  As I slowly start to move forward, I still talk to my husband about all kinds of things. I believe that wherever he is, he is waiting for me.  I hope when that day comes he will welcome me with an open heart and open arms, having forgiven my faults and failures.

Whatever people tell you to move forward without her are both wrong and unkind.  When you start the slow and painful process of moving forward, it will be with her.  With her spirit, her memories, your memories of life together, and your love for each other.  We do not leave our soulmates behind, we carry them with us, always.

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gary t huntington

Thank you for the words I just really don’t want to move forward I really don’t want to MoveOn I prefer my bubble Our home our safe place I do feel she watches over us here but it’s on fair that I even i’m breathing and she’s not breathe for her I would’ve rather died for her I would’ve gladly taken her place in painful process of moving forward is going to continue for the rest of my life I honour her I respect my vows I just wish she will find a way to come get me soon. thank you

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foreverhis

There's no reason at all for you to think about moving forward right now.  We never move on or get over it or start over, but you will know when you're ready to think about moving forward.  It's a long, slow, and twisting journey.  Each of us is unique in both our lives before and our grief now.  There is no time-table and no set path.  Do not let anyone tell you how you "should" be feeling, thinking, or acting.

I too would have traded places with my husband in a heartbeat in order to spare him the pain and later the fear and anxiety.  And I cannot tell you how many times I've asked my love to "come get me."  I've even given him "schedules" like, "I can hang on until all the legal paperwork and home projects are finished, but then I need you to come get me."  Time has helped, but I still hope that I will be with him sooner, rather than later.

I will always be his wife.  I wear my wedding ring and have his on a chain around my neck.  It's kind of heavy, but I don't feel the weight of it because it is part of me.  We had private vows to each other.  They're from a song from West Side Story: "Even death won't part us now."  He loved both the song, very simple and sweet, and the sentiment.  Plus, we met in the theater and it's one of our favorite musicals.  The truth is that I haven't been able to hear any music from it since the day he died, when the dance suites were the first thing I played for him that morning.

Don't let anyone try to rush you, ever.  This is your grief journey and yours alone.

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gary t huntington

 Thank you thank you very much I too have made schedules pertaining to banking financial after birthdays this would be a good time there’s nothing coming up at this moment schedules it’s hard so hard yesterday and today has been overwhelming for me Just when you think you came up for a breath from the wave another one crashes you This one has taken me as some undertow to it but I feel her I just wish I could talk to her or have her talk to me again have her say Gary I love you and I miss you too I want to hear those words from her

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3 hours ago, Shailja said:

So sorry for your loss....I lost my husband on 16 May 2020.... not even 10 days today..... feel so numb

I am so sorry, only ten days ago, that's very fresh, still in the brain fog time, shock.  I hope you'll feel comfortable coming back here and posting as you feel.  I wrote this of what I've found helpful and hope something in it is helpful to you today, something else on down the road...this is a journey ever evolving.  

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

1 hour ago, Autocharge said:

" Just get out of bed everyday"

Good to see you here!  Good advice.  Keep it simple.  It's about all anyone can handle.

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1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

When you start the slow and painful process of moving forward, it will be with her.

That's so true, we never leave them behind and no reason to either!

1 hour ago, gary t huntington said:

I just really don’t want to move forward I really don’t want to MoveOn

I never did liike the term "moving on."  I prefer instead to say, "I continue..."

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gary t huntington

12:20 PM been awake since 4:30 AM week 15 has definitely taken a toll on me Is that liber side my wife’s blankets and a pillow case that I got done with her picture on it just so I could see her laying next to me I am so heartbroken so many bad people in the world And yet it seems like the good ones are always taken and we that are married to the good ones are left behind and if this is what living is and I really don’t want anything to do with it keep saying that keep pleading making deals saying OK now that’s a good time to do it come get me I got nothing going on in the next couple of weeks not special occasions I’m good to go And yet it seems like the good ones are always taken and we that are married to the good ones are left behind and if this is what living is and I really don’t want anything to do with it keep saying that keep pleading making deals saying OK now that’s a good time to do it come get me I got nothing going on in the next couple of weeks not special occasions I’m good to go Then doesn’t happen and you say why I would never let you do this it’s hard living daily with living daily with somebody with a disability that depends on you especially when you’re grieving and you can’t because it only make them worse annoying that if you left it only make them worse They  Call it earth right now... I’m calling it hell

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gary t huntington

I think over the past Week I’ve cried  so much it actually hurts. I breathe I feel wanting to come on my chest I have my head on wife’s pillow and she looking at me God I miss her I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy

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I am in the same boat, sometimes I just think, there is no way I going to continue doing this. It’s been too long since I have touched him, heard his voice and I can’t do life without him. Life seems unbearable! I cry so much I have caused a sinus infection. I cry till I am stuffed up and can’t  breathe. I pray every day sincerely that God take my life and give it to someone who is praying for their life or a loved one. I am done ready to go. 

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On ‎5‎/‎25‎/‎2020 at 2:21 PM, foreverhis said:

That's one of the harder things, at least for me and especially when it's friends and family.  Other people's lives go on as they were before, while we're standing alone in quicksand that threatens to suck us down with every breath.  It drives home both what we've lost and how unfair it is.

Isn't this the truth.  I saw my sister for the first time in months this last weekend and she was complaining to me how much her husband enjoys Fleet Farm.  It's a store with everything, especially sporting goods.  I just looked at her and said, "Go to Fleet Farm, and be happy to do it."  I would live in a box if I could go to Fleet Farm with my husband.  If I could hold him and tell him how much I love him.  Heck, I did go to Fleet Farm with him, all the time.  We went shopping and she started looking for signs to put above their bed.  I don't think she had any clue how hard that was for me.  I know people are tired of hearing me tell the same stories over and over but unfortunately, I'll never have new stories about him to tell.  It took me 18 months to just accept his death.  It got easier initially but then it got harder.  Six months later, I am finally finding the energy to work on my house and get things done. This is hard.  When you have lost the most important thing in your life, it's hard to care about anything.  Watching life go on around you as if nothing happened, can be torturing. Seeing your closest friends move on and go back to their lives, many of them forgetting all about you, feels betraying.  Not wanting to move on from a life you loved is normal.  Being completely and utterly misunderstood is routine.  Getting out of bed every day is that little step we take every day to try to make something out of the life we have left. 

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gary t huntington
On 5/25/2020 at 3:44 PM, Missy1 said:

Exactly! love ends in loss, I had my once in a lifetime love, I have had enough tragedy. I have choices, learn to exist in this life by myself or leave this life. I want to honor and love his life, our life together. I want people to remember that he was kind, generous and sensitive. He loved me more than life itself. 
@gary t huntington I feel the same way, we have a very hard road ahead and we have to carry the load now. I think it’s beautiful how you have memorialized your wife. No doubt you two loved each other more than words can say. Keep posting and know we are here, not complete strangers, we are tied together by our life’s loss. I wish you peace today.

On 5/25/2020 at 3:44 PM, Missy1 said:

Exactly! love ends in loss, I had my once in a lifetime love, I have had enough tragedy. I have choices, learn to exist in this life by myself or leave this life. I want to honor and love his life, our life together. I want people to remember that he was kind, generous and sensitive. He loved me more than life itself. 
@gary t huntington I feel the same way, we have a very hard road ahead and we have to carry the load now. I think it’s beautiful how you have memorialized your wife. No doubt you two loved each other more than words can say. Keep posting and know we are here, not complete strangers, we are tied together by our life’s loss. I wish you peace today.

you are so right  , its absolutely torture , like a spear through the heart over and over  today for me is one of the worst.

thank-you for understanding

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Yes, everything continues on around you as if nothing happened. I hate that! I also hate when people say “you’re doing so well.”  No, I am not doing well. Don’t assume just because I’m not a sobbing mess out in public, that I’m not a sobbing mess at home. No one knows what someone else is feeling. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I have a coworker who called me grumpy and moody the other week because I wasn’t my usual “peppy” self. I gave him a dirty look and said “Yeah I’m depressed. Remember my husband died 8 months ago?” He shut up right after I said that. It’s like people forget and that pisses me off. 

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23 minutes ago, Rhonda R said:

It got easier initially but then it got harder.

Absolutely.  I had real setbacks at 6 months and about 15 months.  Isn't funny how we talk about months, as if our grief is an infant.  "How old is she?"  "22 months."

I'm not sure it ever gets easier, but I think it gets more bearable.  It's so difficult sometimes to see people, even people I/we love, going on with their lives, having happy events, making plans for the future.  Even when people are sensitive to it, it's still just so damn hard to be happy for others.

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gary t huntington

 Everyone seems to forget about our grief as if they have forgotten about what happened . I put a fake smile  but most of the time I don’t answer then on text messages or phone I have no family here closest is 6 hrs away and we can’t see each other due to Covid crossing state province lines ... sometimes that is a blessing ... but I see neighbours  and some friend online swing what they are doing together or complains about doing it with one another ??? I like really do you know how lucky you are to have your spouse    I praying God hears my pray and takes me  soon to be with my wife. 

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I hear ya, Gary, I can't handle hearing people complain about their spouse, my sister Peggy does it all the time.  I remind her where she'd be without him, he totally took care of her when she crushed her vertebrae, for a whole year.  Even now he does so much for her and drives her, she's completely dependent on him.  I don't want to hear any complaining!

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gary t huntington

There is so much more I wanted to do for my wife so much more that I still want to do for her is if we weren’t perfect but we were perfect for one another when I look back at the disagreements and arguments sometimes nonsense that we just click On . Well guess it really didn’t matter after all we love one another like we never really went to bat ever be mad at one another we always somehow woke up holding one another so when I’m talking to father Chris in our church after I made the donation and telling him how hard I’m finding it and I wanted to do more than flower gardens and planting flowers I’m trying to do what I can do to somehow I feel good I cry a lot miss her so much he realize that well Mother’s Day came by and it was in our church is called mothering Sunday unfortunately during Covid we could not do it because there was no Mas gatherings next week we are permitted to open And have more people approximately 100 people fantastic news so I went out and bought 50 roses . Myself and our children Will be handing roses out as we will be celebrating mothering Sunday next Sunday and every mother is going to receive a rose on behalf of my wife. It will be in memory of ceressa 

I wish I had the opportunity to love her like this while she was alive but I guess you take things for granted he put off things you don’t think things like this is going to happen to you when you get a slap in the face and it does so I fall in love more and more with my wife every day And I’m gonna love her this way in  death 
Hope you’re watching honey my love I’m trying to do everything to make you happy, and feel my/our love

sunrise and sunsets Forever

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I know how hard it's been being away from our churches....ours still can't open, so am glad to hear you can there.  I hope it is a day of much comfort to you.

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