advise on lose of wife /soulmate

[KayC]

@Jttalways  That was my experience too and the memory of that haunts me.  I have to rely on the faith we always had in each other, that he KNEW I love him and hope and pray he know how much I wanted to be there for him as he crossed over.  Someone recently told me maybe it made it easier on him to focus on what was to come w/o me there, w/o him worrying about how I'd be w/o him...it gave him a chance to focus on him and what was to come.  Maybe.

[gary t huntington]

well folks today has been one of the roughest to date , jsut miss my wife so much 12 weeks today since we ate a meal together.......tonight I am having what we had that night .....and ask   keeping why..,,,,, this  not the life i want, or need  

[Jttalways]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

@Jttalways  That was my experience too and the memory of that haunts me.  I have to rely on the faith we always had in each other, that he KNEW I love him and hope and pray he know how much I wanted to be there for him as he crossed over.  Someone recently told me maybe it made it easier on him to focus on what was to come w/o me there, w/o him worrying about how I'd be w/o him...it gave him a chance to focus on him and what was to come.  Maybe.

They knew Kay, I know they knew. But we love them so much we both wish we could have been there with them, holding their hand the whole time. I know my husband knew, I’m sure your husband did too, I’m sure they heard the nurses shoo us away. It wasn’t my husband’s 1st code blue to ICU. I’m sure he knew I was waiting in the waiting room.

[peach_2003]

My husband only wanted to hold my hand when he was dying he smacked his moms hand away. He wasn't completely sedated either. I asked him if he wanted to keep fighting he shook his head yes. HIs mom and dad said it wasn't up to him and that it was a good day to die ( its a line from star trek) my husband loved star trek. but he shook his head no and was acting like he was trying to scream no but couldn't because he was on a ventilator. I tried to tell him to keep fighting but I was not heard because of his parents. I wish the doctor would have been in the room when he shook his head no to dying maybe he would still be here with me.  

[gary t huntington]

On 4/24/2020 at 4:32 PM, KayC said:

I keep a "Letters to George" file on my PC and write to him when I feel the need.  You're not alone in feeling this way.

 I write and send messages daily as way of keeping ceressa close and informed  .i feel people don’t t talk about her now or they don’t with me , I have to keep her with me I can’t  and will not rest till I am with her again .... I am looking forward to seeing her again it can’t be here soon enough this new world is not for me I don’t like it or me without ceressa 

[peach_2003]

I feel the same way gary  I cant wait to see my husband again it cant come soon enough for me. My world seems so empty without my husband. I e mail him every day and save the emails but it doesn't seem to help

[Missy1]

I feel the same way however the thing that has kept me going is it we must honor our partners! It is difficult but we have to keep going in the way that we lived together as long as we have to. Remember life is short, soon enough we’ll get to seem them again

I’m beginning to come to terms with the fact that this is what we have to do. I have faith, I know the road will be very difficult  and very painful  but we must cling to that love we shared and use it to keep us going rather than to stop going forward, we must survive for them! 
I am working on this myself I am so messed up I can’t make decisions, I function at most basic level. I am processing and praying for help to make my years on earth tolerable.

[Rhonda R]

11 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I’m beginning to come to terms with the fact that this is what we have to do. I have faith, I know the road will be very difficult  and very painful  but we must cling to that love we shared and use it to keep us going rather than to stop going forward, we must survive for them! 
I am working on this myself I am so messed up I can’t make decisions, I function at most basic level. I am processing and praying for help to make my years on earth tolerable.

Missy, this is a huge step for you and probably one of the most positive things I've ever heard you say.  I needed to hear this today so, thank you.  Being messed up, can't make decisions, function at the most basic level and praying for help.  These are all the things we do on our worst days to survive.  Yesterday was one of my worst days and I'm almost two years into this so I want to beat myself up, I should be doing better.  But, the truth is, I'm going to have these days, from time to time, for the rest of my life and when I do, I need to just go back to the basics and survive it.  Thank you. 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Jttalways said:

I’m sure they heard the nurses shoo us away.

I don't know how cognizant he was of what was going on, he was in acute distress, severe pain,his eyes were popping out of his head.  I hope he didn't feel abandoned.

13 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I am processing and praying for help to make my years on earth tolerable.

Your prayers will be answered.  This is all a process and a lengthy one, all of our timetables as unique as our situations, personalities, coping skills, resilience, heck, even our placement in the family probably comes into play!

Missy, everything you said shows how far you've progressed!  It gives hope to others who are where you were.  I am so proud of you!  I know this fight is not easy or quick.

Rhonda, I'm sorry you had such a bad day!  They hit like that, sometimes the situation/circumstances, sometimes who knows why...sometimes we're just sick of doing this w/o them!

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

They hit like that, sometimes the situation/circumstances, sometimes who knows why...sometimes we're just sick of doing this w/o them!

Yep.  A couple of weeks ago I started sobbing uncontrollably.  I kept sobbing for a number of hours, then cried on and off for a few hours more.  Why?  I haven't got the vaguest idea.  I looked back and tried to find a trigger, there are so many possibilities, but found nothing.  I was just flat missing him and so down from this enforced isolation that my heart couldn't take it just then.

Rhonda,  I'm so sorry you had one of those days.  I lost my love only 3 weeks after you lost yours, so yeah, I get how you sometimes feel you should be further along.  I feel that way too sometimes.  Like, "It's going on 2 years.  Shouldn't I be able to handle things better and do more?"  I know inside that's not how it works and expect I'll have those horrible days sometimes for the rest of my life.  I have noticed that those days aren't as frequent as they were in the beginning when it was every day or even a year ago when it was still most days, but they're there waiting to pounce.  You're not alone, that's for sure.

Missy1,  I must concur with everyone else that reading your post there was very encouraging.  You've taken one of those baby steps forward on your grief journey and that's a good thing.

[gary t huntington]

Yes 77 long, hard , numbing, heartbreak  emotional days tomorrow I know she’s Not in pain or having that horrible disease run through her anymore but for us we seem to be living in hell .One month before she passed away I recorded her breathing during the night as it sounded like her lungs were filling up with fluid which they were so I needed her to know what it sounds like a recorded her for 12 minutes and she actually woke up during it and I got her saying oh honey it’s probably a cold and I’m all stuffy that was exactly one month before her death so many things don’t you wish you could say physically Say while they’re here but you just don’t and then you look back on it and you regret so I’m looking forward to the day that I meet up with her again of the rest of eternity to say the things I needed to say.And the first thing is gonna say I love you and miss you why did it take so long for me to come here,I just want to hold you....

Tonight’s gonna be a really long hard night...

To all you women & men Please if you find anything wrong with your body whether be a lump something you’re not normal with please have it checked out . 
Gary

[Rhonda R]

Yesterday was my birthday.  Randy always made such a big deal over our birthdays.  We never worked and always spent the day doing something together.  I had to move my daughter out of her dorm room and we drove separate.  I sobbed the whole way there.  Packed her up in both our vehicles and got back in my car and sobbed the whole way home.  When I got home, I cried some more.  I don't even remember my birthday last year.  I couldn't tell you what I did, where I was, or who I spent it with.  Yesterday just felt wrong all day.  I'm better today but still having a hard time shaking it.  My heart feels physically broken.  We had a lake home that we would be at today if he were still here.  The lake home, along with the rest of our life had to go when he did.  It was a place where we made a lot of memories and spent so much quality time together.  I'm just....yeah. 

[KayC]

Oh Rhonda, I'm so sorry.  I know I cried myself to sleep on my first birthday without him, no one said Happy Birthday or remembered.  He always made a big deal out of it so it was a stark contrast. I understand, I hope it gets better from here.  I know we'll always miss them.  His death date was George's birthday...he died five days later. June is a tough month for me.

[gary t huntington]

On 4/10/2020 at 3:53 PM, gary t huntington said:

 Good afternoon everyone when  you feel you can’t breathe without your soulmate by your side...  I recently lost my wife February 11, 2020 After a three-year battle with triple negative breast cancer after chemo radiation she had no evidence of cancer from July  2017 till august 2019 than re-occurred &within five months she was gone

My life as I know it as my children and I know it  Our present,Our future Eventually our retirement sitting on the beach watching the sunrise and sunsets are gone I live in my past and that’s where I was most happy even when my wife was ill  i never left her side during the past 3 yrs  not even for blood test, I’m 49 years old she died three days before our wedding anniversary February 14 Valentine’s Day. My kids seem to be holding it together at least in front of me. We have three girls one of them with disabilities her birthday is Sunday she  be 21 Followed by a 16-year-old and a 15-year-old all girls are missing their mom , myself I  a wreck finding it hard to breathe 2 months later still the clichés suck I do believe in God I do believe that one day I will be with her I just wish I could be with her now grief is a form of love that you can’t express physically to that person. it’s been 60 days and 60 nights tomorrow since I talk to my wife feels like yesterday, but yet eternity I sleep with pillows all bunched up beside me and her picture on her bed. she was my soulmate my lifeline, she was my therapist, unconditional love, everlasting love, I sleep with pillows all bunched up beside me and her picture on her bed she was my soulmate, my lifeline, she was my therapist, unconditional love, everlasting love,finding it so hard to breathe without her, spring is here summer is coming, yetmy world is standing still. I’m finding it hard to breathe without her I’m looking  forward To my happiness in my life does end We will be together again. but the pain of losing her is unbearable  how to continue on wards  still finding it hard to breath ,  can someone give me some advice?

 

[gary t huntington]

 when she found out that it re-occurred and the  best case was 12-18 months  ceressa wanted to do thing  like redo our kitchen  with here retirement ,  i was hesitant and like why  your going to be around a lot longer than that i am trying to find out  about trail drugs or chemo in usa or canada ... hold on... she started to redo the kitchen some new cabinets and painted  quartz counter tops farmers sink  ... it looks amazing.. as was everything she did.....she only lasted 5 months  never really enjoyed cooking in it  i bought a new stainless fridge the other week she would be happy .. hard to do alone........ i take great pride in cleaning it i keep everything the way ceressa left it  nothing changes...... she not here to cook in it OMG this is going to be one of those days i feel it  ......12 weeks yesteday

[KayC]

1 hour ago, gary t huntington said:

can someone give me some advice?

I've posted it before, but here it is again in case you didn't read it.  The top two things that helped me were taking one day at a time, and looking for joy...it changed my life.  A lot of people think you can't do that after such loss but it doesn't mean you're not hurting or your life isn't upside down, it means BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR ANYTHING GOOD, AND WHEN YOU FIND IT, NO MATTER HOW SMALL, ACKNOWLEDGE IT, GRASP ONTO IT AND APPRECIATE IT EVEN IF IT'S ONLY FOR A MOMENT!  Nothing is too small or insignificant to count.  In so doing, you learn the art of living in the present, so you do not miss what good there might be that exists.  The big joy in my life, George, is gone, but little joys still remain.  My grandchildren, friends, someone giving me a call, a stranger letting me merge in traffic, someone holding the door open, the list is endless.  Instead of discarding these things as unimportant, do not compare them to what you have lost, instead appreciate them for the good that they are.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[gary t huntington]

Yeah I got this post before was just my way of venting looking around this beautiful house that we have she’s not here to enjoy it with me life is so unfair to a lot of us I feel her I see her I know she’s watching I can see her at the kitchen counter eating a chocolate chip cookie and a glass of milk... boy do I miss her

[Missy1]

@gary t huntington I totally know what you mean I keep thinking of the things he will never get to do again with me, never go to a concert with me, never go scuba diving together again, no more adventures or new memories.. 

he was one of a kind, I never wanted a life without him.

My life will be very small and sad, I still don’t how I am going to do this. I guess just get  up day after day and do whatever “this” is.

kept venting, it’s good, I appreciate the shares, makes me feel less alone I think others feel the same. Thanks 

[Jttalways]

@Rhonda R Happy belated birthday 

[gary t huntington]

6 hours ago, Missy1 said:

@gary t huntington I totally know what you mean I keep thinking of the things he will never get to do again with me, never go to a concert with me, never go scuba diving together again, no more adventures or new memories.. 

he was one of a kind, I never wanted a life without him.

My life will be very small and sad, I still don’t how I am going to do this. I guess just get  up day after day and do whatever “this” is.

kept venting, it’s good, I appreciate the shares, makes me feel less alone I think others feel the same. Thanks 

To me it’s vacationing we love to travel to the Caribbean Jamaica Dominican republic the memories that the kids are not going to have graduations weddings grandkids and the special moments for her and I finally being able to be a couple live hold one another this is so many couples walking And you get a sense of emptiness because you don’t have that barbecuing love steaks I haven’t had a stake in months three months actually May 1 will be three months we went out To the keg and had steak celebrated our wedding anniversary February 1, 2020 she said she wanted to go out early cause she didn’t know how she would feel, February 14 or actual wedding day she died February 11 I haven’t moved anything out of the bedroom Everything is where she left it three months ago pyjamas her shoes slippers I can’t bring myself to change anything I does stay clean I keep it the way she would’ve wanted it but I put everything back where it was God I miss her I fall in love with her every day more and more

[Missy1]

I’m starting to feel very alone and abandoned in this world he’s gone on to a new world and  I feel like I’m all alone holding a candle of hope for him. I keep trying and waiting for what!??!?! I am trying to hold his space here and why I don’t Know?

What am I waiting for? why do I have everything waiting for him to come back he’s not coming back! I  don’t understand it I feel foolish sometimes. I just can’t let him go, yet I know he is gone...do you ever feel like that?

[peach_2003]

I feel the same way missy I still expect the phone to ring and have it be him saying he is ready to come home. I know this will never happen but I still expect it

[gary t huntington]

Yes I’m still waiting for her to come through the door the dogs are still go to the window We sit  a place at  table every night I put pillows underneath the blankets in her PJs are still on the dresser shampoo is still in the shower and her purse is where she left it you’re not alone (see grief is unfinished love) we love them we want them physically to be here with us spiritually they are my wife is with me wherever I go I talk to her 20 times a day 30 times a day iMessage her on messenger send pictures Let her know what’s going on discuss things financially and about the children and  How sad and noneventful my day has been without her. I’m 49 years old it won’t be another person come in my life that will except me for who I am and love me I  got once in a lifetime  love  And I miss you more and more every day I fall in love with my wife more every day she knew how much I loved her and how rough this was going to be on me

[peach_2003]

I still e mail my husband and I talk to him a lot at home, 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I just can’t let him go, yet I know he is gone...do you ever feel like that?

Absolutely!  I don't feel I'm "holding anything for him," after nearly 15 years I good and realize he's gone.  But I want reminders of him around me!  It lets me know I didn't dream him up, we really had our life together, we were happy...he was here!  

[peach_2003]

I still have all of my husbands things there right were he left them. The water bottle he was using  the night he went into the hospital is still sitting on his beside table ( I cant bring myself to throw it out) all of his action figures are were he left them, I don't sleep in our bed I cant even walk into our bedroom without breaking down we live in a apartment building and every time I hear the elevator I think he is coming back to me. The only thing I changed was taking a wedding photo that hung in the bedroom and hung it in the living room instead since that is were I have spending all of my time. No one calls me ever I eat one meal a day and usually its small. Its been a month since my husband has left me, I keep asking why this happened to us why did he have to die, expecally when you read on the internet that pancretitis is fixable, this pain is unbearable I miss him so freaking much. He was my hug a bug my best friend. 

[gary t huntington]

The one thing I’ve noticed this site Yes it’s amazing we’re all in this together even though we’re strangers what we feel it may not be the same as somebody else feels but it’s associated with that feeling so we understand not many people do  venting on here is good getting it out is good there’s not a moment goes by that I don’t think my wife lying awake at 4 AM wish she was here watching TV show sad part comes on And I cried like a baby my kids cry they’ve been surrounded by so much darkness but I can see it on here people know what I’m going through

[gary t huntington]

I keep waking up throughout the night but I keep waking up mad I don’t make enough so much me wants to be an eternal life with ceressa but I guess it’s Ceressa‘s way of saying girls need you not yet honey she’s not in any pain anymore but my 13 weeks still not any better I can look and put a plate in the dishwasher and start crying The one thing I’ve decided is it going to make a new photo since everything‘s online these days get some pictures developed and I’m gonna put it up on our mantle with our wedding book then I’m gonna build a fire pit I guess for me the girls and I sit outside and talk to mom

[KayC]

The tears can be cleansing/healing...let them flow.

I like the fire pit idea.  You're doing something positive with the grief and giving place to it, it's needed for you and your girls.

[gary t huntington]

Yes but I still get so upset for waking up I really don’t like this new life and that’s including the COVID-19 way of life I know my wife would go absolutely Off on this way of life we were two peas in a pod from the way we thought, to our likes,to our needs and wants . I reached the sky and I will get her picture and look at the holy Bible and say OK I’m ready you can come and get me anytime .The very lonely time in our lives add the Covid  has made it even worse. But the one thing I do is occupy my time by loving my wife every moment of the day I say ceressa name out loud. Strange thing is I’ve noticed there’s a lot of people that wear our friends or said they would be there or give us a call and 13 weeks really have never done it at all you find out who your friends are really all you got to depend on is your kids and yourself And ceressa  would be so disappointed

[peach_2003]

I know my husband would not like this way of life either ( not being able to go out or do anything) he would have been fine with it for a few weeks because we would have played video games together and such but then he would have gone nuts staying in the apartment day in and out, yet now I have to deal with this on my own and I just miss him so much, I keep wishing that he would just walk in and say honey I am home I feel like my heart has been broken into so many pieces and I just want to join him, When I eat anything that I know he would like I feel so guilty for being alive and eating something he would like because he cant enjoy it, I don't know how I am going to go on with out him,

[KayC]

On 5/2/2020 at 8:40 AM, gary t huntington said:

you find out who your friends are really

They say grief has a way of rewriting our address book, it sure did mine!  Mine was a blank slate after George died. 

 

[gary t huntington]

I’ve already started rewriting it it’s crazy the phone has not rang in four days nor has my cell phone actually Wednesday night the last time my phone rang my kids notice a difference and they ask maybe it’s a harsh reality for them my wife would be so upset ....our  last meal together was tomato soup before she left the house to the hospital so we find ourselves Eating tomato soup Sunday nights you know way was just helps we have our urn We put it on the table with us we’ve gotten into saying a prayer for the Lord at dinner time ceressa would be so happyI also speak ceressa name I said it helps Ceressa is here when I say that I say it out loud and every night I sit down and watch a little bit of TV ceressa  sitting on my my lap And I’m so looking forward to the day enjoying my wife Ceressa

[peach_2003]

my  phone doesn't ring either the last time it did was Friday and that was a telemarketer before that was Thursday which was the government, The last time someone actually called to check on me was 2 weeks ago when my boss call to check how I was doing, and the last time family actually call to check on me was 4 weeks ago

[KayC]

Wow!  @peach_2003 4 weeks, that's a long time. 

@gary t huntington  These rituals can helps us feel some continuity with them.

[peach_2003]

yeah I call his parents to check on them but no one calls me to check on me

[Missy1]

That is one of the biggest most painful part of the loss, is it for me anyway, so many years we were special to someone they loved us with all their heart and of course we loved them back but nobody is going to ever love me like that!
It was very special and not everyone finds this love. I just miss being someone that meant so much to somebody, I mattered to him. 

[gary t huntington]

So true we did,  I love my wife will all my heart and she did the same it’s a once in a lifetime love I am ok with that...I don’t need or want any other love.. I realizeef today do a search history on my phone that 1 hr 10 minutes before she passed I played our wedding song to her” I do” by Paul brant  .....wow hit me hard 

[peach_2003]

I sang our song to my husband when he was dying and I wrote out the lyrics and put them with him in his " amazed" by lonestar

[Missy1]

I never want another love but I find it really hard to function without our love. 

[peach_2003]

I feel the same way I don't want another love but its hard to function on my own

[jwahlquist]

Gosh, hearing how everyone has had people not call and check it makes me grateful for my husband’s friends and coworkers.  I get messages & calls with people checking in on how we are doing.   I truly appreciate it.  1 coworker/friend of my husband brought us dinner tonight.   My cousin sends me little notes through messenger and checks on my.  My sister in-law calls me about every 2 weeks.   My coworkers have been amazing at checking in too.  
 

[peach_2003]

His friend is the only one that checks on me daily through messenger on face book which I am great full for,

[KayC]

peach, I'm glad his friend is there for you.  I had no one checking on me but my sisters in those early days but they can't understand what I've been through, they all still have their husbands.  My sister Peggy will celebrate her 50th anniversary 6/1.  I'd wanted to get a cake for them to share at their store but the store is closed because of all of this, they are both vulnerable so have had to stay in, as I am.

[Rhonda R]

I have found that people who don't get it, don't get it. One of my best friends lost her husband 1 1/2 years before Randy.  I tried to be there for her.  I brought food, went to her house, sent cards and tried calling often.  She wouldn't return my calls or messages and sometimes would pretend she wasn't home.  She owns a gun shop and if I knew she had a show, I would try to show up if I could. I took that as a message that she wanted to be left alone and I wasn't helping, so I did.  What I didn't get at the time was that she was so devastated she didn't have the energy or the mental or emotional capacity to do any of those things.   It wasn't that she didn't want or need my help, she didn't have anything left to reach out and let me know.  Now that I am a widow and have gone through what she went through, I get it.  When Randy first died, I hoped that she would help me walk my path of grief.  What I know now, that I didn't know then, is that everyone's path is very different and it's very hard to be there for someone when you are still grieving yourself.  We have talked about all of this and so much more and we now understand each other so much better.  We both did the best we could at the time. 

This is the time when you find out who your real friends are.  I too had very few calls after about a month.  My friend group shrunk down to about 1/4 of what it was. Randy would be very disappointed in a lot of people. So many people told him they would look out for me, that hasn't been the case.  I have learned the true meaning of, "If you need anything, call me."  What I have learned is that offer is really only good for about a month after your person dies.  You aren't going to need anything at that time if you aren't eating, can't get off the couch, and exist in a fog all day.  Everyone thinks the funeral is the hardest day and the truth of the matter is, it's every day after that.

In the last two years, I have learned that I can take care of myself, my house and my family.  I've learned to ask for help when I need it and not wait for the call that isn't coming.  I've learned that youtube has instructions on how to fix just about everything.   I've learned that anyone who dismisses my grief or is "tired" of hearing it, isn't really a friend, but an acquaintance.  I've learned that in this life we really have very few real, true friends and those are the people who matter.  The rest is just stuff.       

[gary t huntington]

 wow so true, so very true, Disappointment Ceressa would be so hurt,  and i can hear her saying the choice words right now.   and she right  after it happens you have nothing left to  reach out to as you have given so much before it your drained /done , grief lasts( its unfinished love), that you don t want it to end or change .  everyone deals with it their own way and in their own time 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

it's very hard to be there for someone when you are still grieving yourself.

Yes, it takes everything within you just to get through your day.  

[gary t huntington]

On 4/17/2020 at 7:12 PM, gary t huntington said:

Ty I built a shelf on the wall it overlooks our living room and kitchen looks Outside to our pool and a cherry trees that she loves so much also on the shelf is flowers that I buy weekly Solar candles in a picture frame of our granddaughter that passed away this past December she was born (stillborn) My wife let me know prior to her death about five days with me and my father-in-law seen when I go it won’t be for a while but when I do I want you guys both to know that I’ll be rocking my granddaughter and I’ll be OK we did not know five days later she would be gone I honestly don’t think she knew even though she was going downhill when she left she would’ve said goodbye to our my wife let me know prior to her death about five days with me and my father-in-law saying when I go home it won’t be for a while but when I do I want you guys both to know that I’ll be rocking my granddaughter and I’ll be OK we did not know five days later she would be gone I honestly don’t think she knew even though she was going downhill when she left she would’ve said goodbye to our dogs Her babies Then on the other hand she didn’t sleep with me the whole night she got up and slept on the couch as she said she just didn’t feel right so I don’t know it’s hard to tell we didn’t really does talk about it. I just kept moving forward towards honey if we don’t do chemo today will do it tomorrow or the next day I’m writing this looking at her picture again and I can see her and hear her Voicemail of her saying I love you .

Honey if you’re there hold me,because I really need you

 

[gary t huntington]

This past week has been the roughest to date 2 birthdays for our Daughter 15 and 16 Mothers day in which the kids really found it so hard  and they did  not to celebrate their birthdays, i was really not in the mood , i guess it showed in my face through the tears... why us Why would God allow this to happen to us Again Ceressa was only 50 we had a life finally together,  now i have now to live for except just be here for the girls  soon they will move on to university 2/3 yrs   and i will have nothing,   I am so done with this new world , masks here masks ther If i went to a bank 3 months ago with a mask   alarm bells would be going off Now i Have to... rrr  this new way in not my /our way  I hate it I am old school take a bullet for my country But  die for wife, kids God  and country ,   2018 9.6 million people in the world died from some type of cancer . that,s a pandemic thats been going on for yrs   tell me they can,t find a cure for cancer

[KayC]

They could have cured cancer and Diabetes both with what we've spent on this pandemic!  No easy answers.  Seems our country has weird priorities.  (I'm in the US).  I can't understand anything anymore.  Grief is the one thing I do know, inside and out.  I've lived it way too long.

I'm sorry for your daughter's birthdays and Mother's Day, very very hard.  I know no one feels like celebrating.