advise on lose of wife /soulmate

[gary t huntington]

 Good afternoon everyone when  you feel you can’t breathe without your soulmate by your side...  I recently lost my wife February 11, 2020 After a three-year battle with triple negative breast cancer after chemo radiation she had no evidence of cancer from July  2017 till august 2019 than re-occurred &within five months she was gone

My life as I know it as my children and I know it  Our present,Our future Eventually our retirement sitting on the beach watching the sunrise and sunsets are gone I live in my past and that’s where I was most happy even when my wife was ill  i never left her side during the past 3 yrs  not even for blood test, I’m 49 years old she died three days before our wedding anniversary February 14 Valentine’s Day. My kids seem to be holding it together at least in front of me. We have three girls one of them with disabilities her birthday is Sunday she  be 21 Followed by a 16-year-old and a 15-year-old all girls are missing their mom , myself I  a wreck finding it hard to breathe 2 months later still the clichés suck I do believe in God I do believe that one day I will be with her I just wish I could be with her now grief is a form of love that you can’t express physically to that person. it’s been 60 days and 60 nights tomorrow since I talk to my wife feels like yesterday, but yet eternity I sleep with pillows all bunched up beside me and her picture on her bed. she was my soulmate my lifeline, she was my therapist, unconditional love, everlasting love, I sleep with pillows all bunched up beside me and her picture on her bed she was my soulmate, my lifeline, she was my therapist, unconditional love, everlasting love,finding it so hard to breathe without her, spring is here summer is coming, yetmy world is standing still. I’m finding it hard to breathe without her I’m looking  forward To my happiness in my life does end We will be together again. but the pain of losing her is unbearable  how to continue on wards  still finding it hard to breath ,  can someone give me some advice?

[jwahlquist]

I am sorry for your loss & your children’s loss.   I wish I could say I don’t understand how it feels but I do.   Losing your spouse, best friend, sounding board, partner in parenting & your future is tough.   I lost my husband in February. My 11 year old daughter lost her dad.  Our whole world turned upside down.   My husband was only 48.   He died unexpectedly due to complications from Influenza and strep.  I never expected to be a widow at 42.  We had plans to retire and move to a small coastal town where we could enjoy listening to the ocean everyday.   It sucks now that we won’t ever have that time.  I grieve for all of the things I lost and the future that never will be.  
 

The beauty of this forum is that everyone here “gets it”.   It is a safe place to vent, ask questions and to talk about our loved ones.   

[Missy1]

I cried as I read your thread, I do not think I can advise as I am a train wreck, wallowing in grief everyday,  I do feel your pain. I can tell you that you will need to dig down and find strength through love, see that life is a gift. Our lives are short, time will take us all. Your wife is by your side, she will never leave you. I know it’s not the same, I struggle every day. You will see her again, this I truly believe. Love never dies!

[KayC]

I am so sorry that one more person is experiencing this...it turned my life upside down as everyone else's here, my husband had just had his 51st birthday.  We too had plans to grow old together, now it's just me growing old alone.  That was 15 years ago.  I didn't see how I could live w/o him for a week, but here I am.  

It helps to express yourself, I'm glad you found this place.  Finding a place like this saved me when I went through my early grief.  Here people get it, we're all in this together.  Compounded with the isolation of the Coronavirus, it can feel overwhelming.

If you do some reading here you'll see others experiencing similar feelings as you.

I wrote this about five years ago of the things I'd found helpful over the years, hoping you find something in it that helps you through your days/nights and later on down the road as well.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[gary t huntington]

 I am finding it so hard, she was my lifeline 9 weeks ago today since she waled out of the house into a ambulance and within 26 hrs she was gone her organs where shutting down  they said as her levels were way off  (i figgin hate cancer), the are investing so much in covid to find a cure and vacine  ebver thought why they have not done that for cancer  ???? so many people  lose there lives to this at any age ?? there is no family here where we live closest is 6 hrs away in either direction . friends do not come around  due to covid -19 - today i woke up wondering why i do continue to wake up  and mad because i did .  people say time   it will get better, the hurt won,t hurt as much ,,, all that does not matter it falls on deaf ears , i just want and need my old life bac where i /we were happy i do not like the new life/normal  ,, its not me its not who i am  ,,i miss and love my wife so much i miss us , had a friend of my wife message me last night afer i reach out yo her only to say its been 9 weeks since i lying  in bed with my wife miss her so much.... her reply was  i,n time  she will send you someone to hold at night, your to young  in life not to do that  be open to the idea .... thats not what i need and wanted to hear , feel like no one understands

[jwahlquist]

I have found that not many people understand how you are feeling because they haven’t  been through it.   People say a lot of dumb things because I don’t think they know what else to say to us.  
 

My husband’s parents have said the most insensitive things to me even though they are grieving too.   My MIL said she was glad my parents were at my house because then I wouldn’t be pouting.  My FIL right after my husband’s memorial service said “Now that is over, we can move on”.   Last night he said “You  are doing OK your medication must be working”

In reality, I am not ok......not even close.   The medication helps but grief and depression make it hard to see anything positive.   I cry every single night and sometimes when I am alone during the day.  I put up a good front around others because they don’t know how to act around me if I don’t.  I can’t just move on because his memorial is over.   It didn’t flip a magic switch and make me instantly “better” and I am never going to “move on”.  Moving on implies that I have neatly boxed up my life with my husband and gone on with my life.  Reality is that he will always be a huge part of who I am and my life.  We have a daughter and she is a part of him as well.  
 

Everything is harder right now as so many of us are living in isolation.   Being cut off from people we need is hard.  Hang in there and know that there are many of us here that “get it” and that will “listen”.  

[Rhonda R]

2 hours ago, gary t huntington said:

i,n time  she will send you someone to hold at night, your to young  in life not to do that  be open to the idea .... thats not what i need and wanted to hear , feel like no one understands

We understand, this is the last thing you want to hear.  We understand this is the farthest thing from your mind and to even suggest such a thing feels like a slap in the face to your entire relationship right now.  You don't want just anyone, you want her.  What I have learned over time is that statements like these really have nothing to do with you, her or your relationship.  They are more about the anxiety and awkward feelings the other person has around your sadness about the loss of the love of your life.  They don't know what to say, so they say what they have heard others say in the past.  All you really want to hear is, I'm here.  You talk, I'll listen. 

What I have learned this past 22 months tomorrow, is that most people spend some time trying to turn back the clock and change the outcome.  It took me about 21 months to stop doing that.  That's normal, a part of grief and I believe something we have to do to finally come to the conclusion that no matter how much we pray, want or beg, the outcome won't change.  It's a process and a part of grief.  Grief isn't about death or loss, it's about love.   You don't ever get over it, you don't ever forget it, but you can move forward with it.  Your love for each other is always going to be a part of who you are, no one can take that from you.  In the beginning, it's about survival.  One day, one moment, one breath at a time. 

So, I'll leave you with this.  We are here.  When you want to talk, we will listen.  We have been there and we get it. 

 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, gary t huntington said:

her reply was  i,n time  she will send you someone to hold at night, your to young  in life not to do that  be open to the idea

TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE!  People say the worst things to us, they want to make us feel better but really it's them who can't handle our grief, they don't realize that in saying such things they're invalidating our grief and dismissive of our feelings.  I'm sorry.

1 hour ago, jwahlquist said:

 Moving on implies that I have neatly boxed up my life with my husband and gone on with my life.  Reality is that he will always be a huge part of who I am and my life.

In a nutshell.

I hate the term "move on."  I prefer to say I CONTINUE my life, in no way am I leaving him behind, but I try to make what I can of today.  Of course, that's hard with this virus going on...

[gary t huntington]

Thank you everyone I do understand people only trying to say things that are nice to make me feel good better about the situation etc. I’ve been searching high and low looking from within even trying to understand my faith of will I be with my wife one day again right now that’s the only Honestly keeping me going I miss my wife I miss the hospital miss the routine that we were doing miss the doctors and nurses they all become part of our lives throughout the past three years and I don’t like change I don’t like this new way of life that we’re living My wife wouldn’t like it either,  I know my wife is not suffering and not in any pain anymore but mine is just begun and it’s a life that I don’t like and I don’t like it without her .I pray, I cry, and beg ,and plead, I bargain, really missing my wife Today. I drove by the hospital and just park there just to get a sense of being close to her even though she’s at home with me looking over the living room/kitchen area/ grief is a form of love,. It’s also form of the way your life was and the way I still want it to be.

Someone today  said the don,t believe they will ( your love one) will be there to greet you when you die , right now that the only thing that keeping me sane now i that I will see My Beautiful wife on that day, I have to believe it just did not end in a Hospital bed. honestly please someone say something that will guide me/ help me . Gary

 

 

[Missy1]

We WLL see them again, I believe this, there are several documented accounts that support that our consciousness lives on we shall see them again! I know it’s not much considering their physical self is gone, this hurts me to no end but it’s all we have. Everyone dies someday, this is a horrible thing to face because I never wanted to think about a a life without my love, my best friend, my universe. I am broken, sad and devastated but I know he is watching over me and I will see him again...

[gary t huntington]

Keep going back to the night before she died which was nine weeks ago tonight last time I spoke to him was around this time she woke up a few times and spoke but not directly she kept reaching for the ceiling with both her hands up in the air like Child does when they want to be picked up she had done it before But I never seen her like this even the kids noticed a Hands raised to the ceiling corner of the wall will be nine weeks tomorrow morning at 7:30 AM and take her off the shelf I sit  our chair. Drink my coffee talk to her as I do say the Lords prayer sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind at times I feel so close to her like I was today at the hospital parking lot .I just hope we are all able to see sunrise and sunsets together hold hands in Heaven 

[Jttalways]

F*ck cancer. Cancer took my husband away also. Everyone grieves differently and I know it’s a process. I think I’ve felt all of the 5 stages of grief except acceptance. Right now I’m stuck on denial. In the beginning it was bargaining most of the time, which I think is pretty common. The only comfort I feel is when I think about my husband not suffering anymore. 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, gary t huntington said:

Someone today  said the don,t believe they will ( your love one) will be there to greet you when you die

People say the most stupid inappropriate things!  I'm pretty sure I would have retorted something not too kind!  I hate the stupid things people say to those grieving, they make it worse.  I probably would have said, "And that is supposed to comfort me...HOW???"  Believe what YOU believe and don't pay any attention to naysayers.  Wait until they are going through it, bet they'll change their tune!  I lost my beloved dog companion a few months ago, he was everything in the world to me as I've been living alone for over 14 years.  I watched him suffer (cancer) and did my best to provide comfort care for him, I cooked for him, took him on (slow) walks, gave him hemp oil and supplements to help his liver, energy, etc. When he passed, nothing could have prepared me for the extreme anguish and pain, I would give anything to have him back again...minus the cancer.  I've owned 24 dogs & cats in my life, but was closest to Arlie, he was perfect for me.  I've had people tell me with complete confidence that dogs don't go to heaven!  And they would know...how???  I believe dogs will beat people in!  In all reality, what keeps me going is knowing my husband and dog will be the first to greet me!

[foreverhis]

13 hours ago, Jttalways said:

F*ck cancer. Cancer took my husband away also. Everyone grieves differently and I know it’s a process. I think I’ve felt all of the 5 stages of grief except acceptance. Right now I’m stuck on denial.

Yes, I call it "the bastard cancer" because it is.  My husband fought so hard for himself and for us.  I was furious at the universe the whole time.  He had beaten prostate cancer 15 years before (18 years now) and been cancer free.  Sure the surgery and aftermath of light follow up radiation changed our lives a bit, but we had our small and precious world together.  We also both have long-term, non life threatening medical conditions that developed over time many years ago.  So we spent more time with each other than many/most couples.  His home health nurse while he was fighting the bladder cancer looked at us sitting on the sofa one day while we were teasing each other, casually touching as you do, and said she had never seen a couple so connected and so there for each other.  My husband said, "That's because we don't just love each other, we still like each other."  We had all those little "couple" things we'd developed over 35 years together.  One of my favorites was when we'd been married about 20 years and someone asked us how long we'd been together.  I said, "More than 20 years.  And he hasn't killed me."  Completely deadpan, my husband turned to me and said, "Yet."  So that became one of our little riffs when meeting new people.

But I digress.  I want to mention that the five stages of grief actually aren't directed at us survivors.  The study was to determine what similarities, if any, terminal patients had in their emotions and progression when they were given their diagnosis.  Even the author of the study has said it upsets her that people have turned that into a universal catch-all for grief.  She acknowledges that the experiences of a dying patient and the experiences of survivors are vastly different.  One of the major problems with it is that when a patient dies, there is an ending.  With grief, there is not.  But now our society, with it's denial of mortality, loss, and grief, tries to force us into a finite, straight-and-narrow journey with an end point.  We're supposed to magically "finish" grieving and walk through a doorway with it all behind us.  Nope.  Grief doesn't have an end point and we all know that the journey is neither straight nor narrow.

There's a thing called pre-grief that my SIL told me about.  That's when a partner or spouse is dying, when we know it's inevitable, so the grief starts even before our love is gone from our side.  The "stages of grief" can apply there as it's common to go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  But even then it may not be in that order, maybe back and forth, maybe not all of them, and maybe circling back.

My husband and I were certainly in denial for a while as it became clear he wasn't going to make it to the next treatment/surgery.  I couldn't give up and so he kept fighting, even has his condition worsened.  And I bargained for the last 3 months of his life.  I did all the stupid cliches you can imagine.  Though we don't belong to a specific church or faith, we do have faith, so there I am praying over and over and over for him to live, to recover.  Saying I'll give up everything I own, I'll be a better person, I'll never/always this or that, and also asking to please give his pain to me instead.  I'd beg him not to leave me.  Months earlier, he'd say, "I don't plan to," and then a few month before he died, "I don't want to," and finally in his last few weeks, "I'm sorry."  It hurt me so much to think that he believed he failed me, so I told him over and over that he had not.  I told him that because it was true. Of course it's depressing to watch your strong husband become a shadow of himself, to have him leave you bit by bit.  And acceptance?  Well, that takes a long time.  Even then all that we accept is that our soul mates were taken from us.  We will never accept that it is okay or right.

Here are a few articles that spoke to me about the reality of grief:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/stages-of-grief_b_4414077

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/loss-grief_b_5556644

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/facts-and-arguments/i-lost-my-husband-and-then-there-was-one/article21639438/

 

((Hugs))

[gary t huntington]

Thank you for that thank you for yourI’ve done the bargaining I’m still doing it still believe my wife is going to walk through that door nine weeks ago today It hurts me so much my wife said to I’m sorry you didn’t deserve this and I’m sorry to make you go through this again (as my father died in 1988 to cancer) but it wasn’t about me with all about her I would give my life this very moment just to hold her and to tell her things talk to her again my world will never be the same it has changed and it’s changing daily with what’s going on in the world too much Too much change for me I need my old life back with my wife we were just getting started kids were growing up teenagers my daughter with disabilities was coping my wife and I had fantastic careers Retirement is 10 years away we were on the way to sunrise and sunsets now I can’t even look outside for all I see is couples walking hand in hand People saying oh Time will heal the pain won’t be as sharp you will learn to live with the new normal It’s a bunch of BS I don’t want the new normal I want the old happy with my Wife who was my life

[jwahlquist]

6 hours ago, gary t huntington said:

It’s a bunch of BS I don’t want the new normal I want the old happy with my Wife who was my life

I am in the same place.  It hurts to watch romance movies where there is a happy ending.   I just want my husband back.  Especially now with the world and the state of everything going on.   I need his hugs, positive outlook and company.  I want the unconditional love and our dreams back.  I hate “the new normal” because it isn’t normal at all.....it still feels like a nightmare that I should wake up from.  

[gary t huntington]

One year ago today we went to see Mamma Mia The Abba tribute show my wife love the music I am so lost keep living in my past because that’s where I’m happy I can’t make new memories it just doesn’t seem rightIt (was my stepdaughter who is 30 years old and I said almost 3 weeks ago so my wife would’ve been only six weeks gone mom wouldn’t want you stewing away she would want you to move on with your life and be happy I was actually shocked to hear that from her) she looks quite a bit like her mom some of her actions are her mother in and out I don’t see her a lot because she lives in the USA I’m in Canada feel like I’m losing that part of the family as well 9 weeks after my wife died They don’t call as much as they used to or even message on messenger (and it was one of wife’s best girlfriends that told me I’m a firm believer that she will send you Someone to hold someone to move on with your life you’re too young and she would want you to be happy someday keep an open mind) My wife is been gone nine weeks ago yesterday In the pain is even sharper today than it was then I’m lonely I miss my wife my life I don’t like this new life it’s not for me

[KayC]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I want to mention that the five stages of grief actually aren't directed at us survivors.

Yay for mentioning this, and amen!  I was chastised for stating this a couple of years ago here by a "psychology major"...but I want to repost this by Marty Tousley, a grief counselor and administrator/owner of griefhealing.com as posted here: https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/6873-stages-of-grief/?tab=comments#comment-55904       and here:  https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/6151-grief-group-meeting-tonight/?tab=comments#comment-48650  (I did not include some of the links posted by her because over the years they've been removed.)  I have listed the two articles in different colors to see where one and then the other begins/ends.

Although you haven't cited the source of the information you've shared with us, NATS, it is true that many authors have written about the so-called "Stages of Grief." Your article happens to describe seven stages, and by now most of us have heard about the five stages of dying originally described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her still popular book, On Death and Dying. Unfortunately, since that book was first published (in 1969!) many people have taken her findings much too literally, expecting the dying process to occur in neatly ordered stages, one following the other.

The stages of dying originally described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross are:

1) Denial and Isolation

2) Anger

3) Depression

4) Bargaining

5) Acceptance

It is important to understand that, as wonderful as her groundbreaking work in death and dying was, Kubler-Ross's "stages" model was never meant to apply to those who are in mourning. Her studies were focused on patients who were terminally ill and dying. That is a common mistake you will find repeatedly in the literature still today. But there has been a wealth of research done since Kubler-Ross' pioneering work that focuses specifically on bereavement, loss and grief, and those of us working in the field of thanatology (death, dying and bereavement) have been trying for years to de-bunk this particular myth. For example, in a recent newsletter from Hospice Foundation of America (HFA), Kenneth J. Doka, PhD (Associate Professor of Gerontoloty at the Graduate School of The College of New Rochelle and Senior Consultant to HFA) was quoted as follows:

Dr. Ken Doka succinctly talks about why this matters. "Certainly Stage Models are ingrained within the popular imagination - references to them appear in television shows and movies, and they also remain prevalent in health education...How should one respond to persons, especially supervisors, still tied to older models?" He then goes on to point out that, for anyone who works with those facing the end of life, "It is an ethical mandate to work from the most current knowledge. After all, would a cancer patient wish to be treated by an oncologist steeped in the approaches offered in 1969?" [source: "Message from Amy Tucci," President and CEO, HFA July/August Newsletter Vol. 11. No. 7/8, July/August 2011]

Based on years of experience and extensive research, we now know that grief is the normal response to the death of a loved one, and it doesn't happen in neatly ordered "stages" as such.

Most of us who specialize in grief counseling prefer to think of grief as the personal experience of the loss, and mourning as a process (not a single event) that can affect us in every dimension of our lives: physical, emotional, social, spiritual and financial.

As we have stated repeatedly on this site, everyone's grief journey is unique, and there is no specific time-frame for it. Although grief is different for each individual, finding a way through it successfully requires some knowledge and understanding of the normal grief experience and the work of mourning. That is one reason why our members find this site so helpful, because so many of the posts here are packed with useful information that comes from the hearts and minds of so many different people who have walked this grief journey before us, learned some very valuable lessons, and are willing to share their hard-won experience with those who come after them.

I must say that I don't blame you for feeling annoyed at the mention of "stages" and "letting go" during the course of your meeting, and if you'll bear with me, I feel a need to address this ~ not only on your behalf but also for others who may be reading this.               

If you've read any articles and books about grief, you already know that many authors have written about the so-called "Stages of Grief" and most of us have heard about the five stages of dying originally described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her still popular book, On Death and Dying. Since that book was first published (in 1969), many people have taken her findings much too literally, expecting the dying process to occur in neatly ordered stages, one following the other. The stages of dying originally described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross are:

1) Denial and Isolation

2) Anger

3) Depression

4) Bargaining

5) Acceptance

As groundbreaking as her work in death and dying was, Kubler-Ross's "stages" model was never meant to apply to those who are in mourning. Her studies were focused on patients who were terminally ill and dying. That is a common mistake you will find repeatedly in the literature still today. But there has been a wealth of research done since Kubler-Ross' pioneering work that focuses specifically on bereavement, loss and grief.

We now know that grief is the normal response to the death of a loved one, and it doesn't happen in neatly ordered "stages" as such.

Most of us who specialize in grief counseling prefer to think of grief as the personal experience of the loss, and mourning as a process (not a single event) that can affect us in every dimension of our lives: physical, emotional, social, spiritual and financial.

As you have learned from your own experience, everyone's grief journey is unique, and there is no specific time-frame for it. Although grief is different for each individual, finding a way through it successfully requires some knowledge and understanding of the normal grief experience and the work of mourning. That is one reason why our members find this site so helpful, because so many of the posts here are packed with useful information that comes from the hearts and minds of people who have walked this grief journey before us, learned some very valuable lessons, and are willing to share their hard-won experience with those who come after them.

I say all of this, Niamh, not to criticize in any way the support group you're attending, and I certainly don't want to discourage you from continuing to attend. I think the benefits for you will far outweigh any negatives you may encounter. Certainly you are far enough along in your own grief journey to know what makes sense to you and what does not fit, and you're strong enough to pick and choose whatever works for you while discarding the rest. I simply want to reinforce the fact that as a member of this group, you have a right to question anything that does not fit with your own experience, and your group will be better for it.

[gary t huntington]

I’m not attending any support groups only just started reaching out online today I had to go buy a new fridge is the one we had 3yrs old motorway having to go and pick something new out and realize I have to get rid of something that we bought together was one of the toughest things I had to do I don’t like this new life I don’t want it We always did things together what married couples that love one another do I never did anything without my wife knowing or asking we were in it to make it is this pain and sharpness like a knife that’s cutting through your heart every time you breatheNever gonna stop I keep seeing my wife’s name because I need to hear it means she still here she still around it’s a unique name you don’t hear it at all . So today I took pictures of the fridge called her name called her phone sent a picture and asked her permission and what she thought about it and I’m still crying
 

 

 

 

[Michelene]

"So today I took pictures of the fridge called her name called her phone sent a picture and asked her permission and what she thought about it and I’m still crying"

I did/do this too! I still email my husband then go into his account and print them out and paste them in a journal. I read them out loud to him. it is hard to do the projects and errands that used to be team effort all by yourself. I went to the furnace people shortly after my husband passed to get the account switched to my name, and was debating out loud about the coverage to get and not knowing what to do with my husband passing away, and finally decided. The man behind the counter was writing up the agreement and said, "Guess you'll have to wait a bit to get his opinion on your choice but you'll have a lot to talk about then."  It made me happy to have someone say that. To just take it for granted that I will see my husband again and just casually say it like that. 

[Jttalways]

@foreverhis is right, you suffer & go thru the grieving process twice when your loved one is dealing with a terminal or life threatening illness. I was a broken stressed out mess while my husband was sick. I kept it all inside and put on a brave face for everyone. Even though my husband was battling an aggressive type of leukemia for 20 months, his death was still a shock. One day he was conscious like normal, the next he was intubated in ICU. His death was horrible and especially traumatic. I’m still suffering from PTSD. I haven’t done any therapy or counseling, but I write to my husband almost everyday. It’s seems to help, along with coming to this website. 

[gary t huntington]

 I’m in the same boat  my wife suffered through Change the chemo radiation two surgeries to try to make yourself better for a year and a half there is no evidence of disease she did one in July of last year no evidence of disease August 25 she finds a lump five weeks later I never showed emotion during my time at work and keep strong pushed it all down and kept looking for a cure study websites doctors calling different hospitals throughout Canada in the US would stop at nothing to find a cure and get her better if there was a hill to climb she was on my back and I was claiming it for her with her she went to the hospital asked if I was bringing the truck so she could come home later  on and within 26 hours she was gone nothing left in this world that I do not like that has changed even more since she passed and continues to change God I miss my wife I miss my life We have gone through so much in the past I just kept throwing it down moving forward pushing it all down my wife would say you’re gonna explode one day your world is going to come crashing down when I’m gone I’m not gonna be here to help you my world has crashed and exploded. ‘
baby where are you?

[KayC]

The things we go through in our grief, people don't begin to understand until they're there...even losing a refrigerator.  George gardened, I tried keeping them alive but couldn't, I remember crying when his cherry tomato plant died.  It's crazy the things that trigger us.

[gary t huntington]

Everything happened in 11 still can’t get that out of my mind we were married 11 (13 yrs together.)years ago February 11 February 11th 2009 years ago her cousin was killed in  Iraq He was a US Marine.  Her initial finding the lump in her breast was February 11, 2017 Moving forward to December 11, 2019 Quebec city for a trial drug January 11, 2020 Montreal for a trial drug she passed away February 11, 2020 .  11 wonderful years married 13 together three days before our wedding anniversary as I’m writing this I’m looking at her picture on the wall next to our final resting place in our urn I can’t help but feel close to her like she’s right there next to me looking at me .

oh honey just hold me .I love you and miss you

[foreverhis]

On 4/16/2020 at 11:46 PM, Jttalways said:

I was a broken stressed out mess while my husband was sick. I kept it all inside and put on a brave face for everyone.

I did too, except during his worst times at the hospital when I just couldn't help breaking down.  I tried not to do that in front of him, but sometimes did anyway.  But with everyone else I was, "Yes, I'm the strong, caring wife.  I'm fine."  Except for some times talking to my SIL who leads a caregivers support group because she was caregiver for their mom and her FIL.  She was able to calm me down on some of my worst days.

I kept on the brave face for months after my love died.  I still do most of the time, if I'm honest with myself.  But I've always had trouble crying in front of people (though I'm a tear factory when I'm alone!), which I think is due in part to my parents stoic attitudes and from my professional life where any tears or sadness are seen as signs of weakness.

On 4/16/2020 at 11:46 PM, Jttalways said:

His death was horrible and especially traumatic.

I can only speak from my own experience, but yes my husband's death was traumatic.  He had been on comfort care for a few days by then and was due to come home on hospice.  He no longer had three IVs or the heavy medications (just relief ones) or all the noisy machines.  He was calm and out of pain as his body wound down.  So I sat by his side at the hospital, in the big private room with the huge picture windows looking out on his favorite courtyard (our small hospital has four courtyards and all rooms have some sort of pretty view).  I played our favorite music.  I talked to him.  I had our daughter talk to him on speakerphone because she and our granddaughter were back in Seattle having visited just 2 weeks before.

But I have to admit that toward the end, when he was no longer responding, I had to look away at times because I was terrified that each breath would be his last breath.  As if, if I didn't see it, then it wouldn't happen.   I only now realize that's another kind of denial.

I think it would have been even harder had he still been hooked up to everything in a regular hospital room.  But then again, the hardest, most painful loss is, to each of us, our own.  That's as it should be, which is one thing that brought me here in the first place.  I was sick of people comparing some other loss to mine.

I'm sending you warm, comforting hugs.

On 4/17/2020 at 8:39 AM, gary t huntington said:

I’m looking at her picture on the wall next to our final resting place in our urn I can’t help but feel close to her like she’s right there next to me looking at me .

My husbands ashes are in a fine and handsome leather cylinder that sits on top of our entertainment center.  I put a snapshot of him with our granddaughter a few months before he was diagnosed in front of it.  I feel a measure of comfort every day when I come downstairs and there he is.

I tell people, only half jokingly, that he's there so "he can keep an eye on me."

[gary t huntington]

Ty I built a shelf on the wall it overlooks our living room and kitchen looks Outside to our pool and a cherry trees that she loves so much also on the shelf is flowers that I buy weekly Solar candles in a picture frame of our granddaughter that passed away this past December she was born (stillborn) My wife let me know prior to her death about five days with me and my father-in-law seen when I go it won’t be for a while but when I do I want you guys both to know that I’ll be rocking my granddaughter and I’ll be OK we did not know five days later she would be gone I honestly don’t think she knew even though she was going downhill when she left she would’ve said goodbye to our my wife let me know prior to her death about five days with me and my father-in-law saying when I go home it won’t be for a while but when I do I want you guys both to know that I’ll be rocking my granddaughter and I’ll be OK we did not know five days later she would be gone I honestly don’t think she knew even though she was going downhill when she left she would’ve said goodbye to our dogs Her babies Then on the other hand she didn’t sleep with me the whole night she got up and slept on the couch as she said she just didn’t feel right so I don’t know it’s hard to tell we didn’t really does talk about it. I just kept moving forward towards honey if we don’t do chemo today will do it tomorrow or the next day I’m writing this looking at her picture again and I can see her and hear her Voicemail of her saying I love you .

Honey if you’re there hold me,because I really need you

[KayC]

The worst loss in the world is your own.

[gary t huntington]

I feel like the worst loss that I ever have experience a lot of experience with the amount throughout my 49 years is the loss of my wife because my identity is gone as well the person who I was comfortable with within myself he’s gone on it same day she passed That person left my children,family,friends,Co-workers  know I will never be the same. Everything I worked for in my life was not for me it was for my wife so that she could provide us as a family a better life that’s the way I was raised Work hard for your  family If need be take a bullet for your country ,but die for your wife and children. So my worst loss is my wife she is my hero she’s my angel,My love my life is a look at your picture while Writing this in reading it I love you more today than I did yesterday .

[Missy1]

34 minutes ago, gary t huntington said:

Everything I worked for in my life was not for me it was for my wife so that she could provide us as a family a better life that’s the way I was raised Work hard for your  family If need be take a bullet for your country ,but die for your wife and children. So my worst loss is my wife she is my hero she’s my angel 

This really struck me deeply! We worked hard for our future, he inspired me to be better, work harder and succeed because it was for our life together. I lost my will to do anything except the minimum requirements now. I understand when you say that she was everything to you, now what... life seems pointless to me, no kids, nothing left for me here. 
we will never be same, that is true. I am so sorry for your painful loss. 

[foreverhis]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

The worst loss in the world is your own.

This is one of the profound truths that people--even us sometimes--don't realize.

Comparisons were what led me here in the first place.  Funny, it wasn't the fact that I was floundering around, lost, bereft, and sure that my life was over.  Nope, what made me seek out a grief support group was being angry yet again with people trying to compare some loss they suffered to me losing my soul mate.  One person who didn't do anything like that is the only family member who also lost her husband about 2-1/2 years before I lost mine.  She was and continues to be supportive in a way that acknowledges my loss, but doesn't make it a contest.  OTOH, while she and her husband loved each other and were married for decades, they were not bonded at the same cell-deep level that my love and I were.

I am certain that at some point in my life, I must have said something insensitive or a platitude to someone grieving without realizing that I had.  But one thing I've always known is that each loss is different and that losing your soulmate cannot be compared even one to another.  When my sister-by-choice (aka BFF for more than 30 years) lost her mother the very day her own son was born, we were by the family's side as soon as we could be.  Her parents had been friends of my husband and mine for a long time as well, almost second parents in many ways.  I was sitting with her dad just being there and letting him lead any conversation.  At one point, I said, "I'm not going to tell you that I know how you feel because I can't.  I'm only going to tell you that we love you both, will miss her deeply, and wish we had the right words to help."  He told me that simply acknowledging our inability to know or understand how he was feeling was helpful because he was sick of people saying, "I know how you feel.  I lost my fill-in-the-blank-not-a-soulmate."  That really stayed with me.

 

[Missy1]

@foreverhisThat is so disrespectful, sorry you had to deal with people like that! I feel like we are all suffering in pain, no one knows how deep another person’s loss is. There is no way we could possibly understand because only they know and it’s a very personal experience. I always respect that people’s loss’s are tremendously painful and can not be compared, we cannot comprehend how other people are affected. 
 I see difference in dealing with loss and I don’t know or try to understand that either. 

[foreverhis]

22 hours ago, Missy1 said:

That is so disrespectful, sorry you had to deal with people like that! I feel like we are all suffering in pain, no one knows how deep another person’s loss is.

The thing I realized later is that the people who said "I know how you feel because..." were mostly just trying to connect, to express an understanding that they didn't comprehend was so profoundly worse and different from theirs.  None of our close friends or family made those kinds of comments.  It was casual friends and people we didn't know well.

I did feel it was disrespectful for a long time, but now I realize they simply hadn't thought through why no other loss can be compared to this one, any more than we here can compare the loss of our soulmates, one to the other.

[gary t huntington]

10 long hard weeks today, i took a picture of her  sleep about 10 hrs before, she passed i had no idea. it one i look at daily , i miss her so much today more than i did yesterday ,  we have a beautitful  backyard with pool etc i don,t even want to open it this year .... but she was so looking forward to being out side around it this summer what do i do? , torn, heartbroken, emotional drained, what is Christmas like....... OMG i don,t want to live this life

[Missy1]

I feel the same, we have a new pool and spa, we put everything into this house. I do not intend to swim or use the spa it was our get away place. I cry when I have to go out and take care of the yard. We loved to go in the pool. We went into the spa  4 to 5 Nights a week and looked at the stars and just talked about everything.  I don’t want to live in this painful way either, we have been given these circumstances we can’t change then, I honestly hope that my life is short. 

[peach_2003]

I know how you feel gary I don't even want to think about Christmas or Halloween my Matthew loved these holidays and just the thought of having to go through life without him breaks my heart. I am going into week 4 without my husband and I just feel like dying. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, gary t huntington said:

what is Christmas like

My first Christmas w/o George was six months into this journey.  I didn't want to do it.  I didn't want to put up a tree.  My son was on break from the Air Force, my daughter was here, he wanted us to go out and cut down a tree which was tradition (I live in the mountains) and my daughter wanted me to help decorate it.  Although it was painful, I did it for the kids.  I hung his stocking.  We put notes in it to him.  Somehow try to make these days meaningful to you and her in a new way, like my new tradition of putting notes to him in his stocking.  I also bought him a new ornament, as I always had.  You don't have to figure it out right now, that's quite a ways yet, thankfully.  I will post an article on handling these special days closer to the time.

 

[gary t huntington]

sorry for you loss, its the hardest thing to do, i wake up mad every morning ,pissed off , only to go to bed and do the same thing the next morning , so lost with out my wife  50 yrs old re-re-occurrence breast cancer,   I pay the Lord hears my prayers, that when God took her home her took a Wife, mother ,best friend, my confidence, my ear, my heartbeat .my breath  My dreams with her  as well. her pain and suffering is over, my ours ,well we were in pain at the thought of losing her,  scared,  for the past 5 months.. so my pain  and suffering is still there and its not getting better , so many couples walking around now i don,t  have that anymore 

[peach_2003]

that's how I feel. I prayed to god that I would be a even better wife if he would save my husband but I feel like god didn't listen to my prayers. 

[gary t huntington]

21 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I feel the same, we have a new pool and spa, we put everything into this house. I do not intend to swim or use the spa it was our get away place. I cry when I have to go out and take care of the yard. We loved to go in the pool. We went into the spa  4 to 5 Nights a week and looked at the stars and just talked about everything.  I don’t want to live in this painful way either, we have been given these circumstances we can’t change then, I honestly hope that my life is short. 

wow.....  I feel the same way .... heartbroken

[KayC]

I know.  (((hugs)))

[gary t huntington]

The week before my wife passed away she was sitting on the couch and she said I can’t wait for the summer all I wanna do is sit outside in my pool We’ve never had the opportunity to really enjoy it since it’s only four years since we put it in in July she got cancer three years ago this was a year just to sit around and look at the trees the birds sit by the pool I’m looking at it with no aspiration saying this was for us in  2 years the girls will be gone University What am I gonna do things are not the same anymore I will never be the same I wasn’t given a choice on how my life changed our life changed and it changes daily now Can’t even go to a grocery store without seeing people with masks on lineups this thing called social distancing is wrong word it should be physical distancing as being social and my terms is verbal talking etcThe world has changed I’ve changed people that losers somebody in their lives close husbands wives children they all change I’m tired of the change Buy me not doing opening the pool will be another change ,She’s so loved the outside sitting there all morning coffee looking at the trees in the hummingbirds I found my soulmate oh my God took her away he took my best friend my wife the mother of my children my confidence The person I confide  in most,My breath my heartbeat and every time it right in this form I try to look at her picture I speak and we read it out loud so somehow someway if ceressa  listening  ceressa hears All my love if you’re listening to me I really miss you no I really could use a hug

[KayC]

There's two ways you can respond with the pool...

1) Ignore it, don't use it.

2) Use it as a way of honoring her and carry on what she would have wanted to do.

Do whatever brings YOU the most comfort, which can change from time to time.  You have kids to consider to, would they use it?  You can ready it for them and not use it yourself.  There is no wrong way/right way to handle this, only what feels best to you.

[gary t huntington]

Thank you, I understand  I feel and know   it’s not the same anymore, wishing she was here with us  looking back at texts from last year .

[gary t huntington]

On 4/18/2020 at 8:50 PM, Missy1 said:

This really struck me deeply! We worked hard for our future, he inspired me to be better, work harder and succeed because it was for our life together. I lost my will to do anything except the minimum requirements now. I understand when you say that she was everything to you, now what... life seems pointless to me, no kids, nothing left for me here. 
we will never be same, that is true. I am so sorry for your painful loss. 

Find myself sending her messages on messenger more and more often as a way of letting her know what’s going on And how much I missing her how the girls are doing and how much they’re hurting how I feel is this huge sense of loss my identity has been stripped away from me the person I was is not there ,but I’m here! I’m broken shell of myself wanting something needing something wanting someone meeting someone that you raise your arms up to to be held or to hold just praying to God that you actually are holding and being held

[KayC]

I keep a "Letters to George" file on my PC and write to him when I feel the need.  You're not alone in feeling this way.

[Missy1]

In my notes on my phone I speak letters to hm. I hate not knowing where he, I always knew where he was, I want to know if He okay! I feel so helpless.

I understand your loss of identity, I want to live the same life with him, but it doesn’t make sense anymore. 
Friday hits me hard and weekends are brutal. lets keep going, see this goes. We are all in this together.

[KayC]

I am lucky in the sense I have my faith and believe him to be safe in the hands of God.  I know he's not in pain, not suffering, and has a better understanding of things than he did here, our faith is complete on the other side of this veil.  It's here we have to deal with everything.  He's better off than I am.  But I also know he believes in my ability to handle things so I keep going/trying.  I get tired, like any of us do.  This is a very hard time and I'm glad he's not having to deal with it but by the same token, the human part of me wishes he were here with me so I were not going through this alone and because I MISS him!

[peach_2003]

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• sorry for all the quotes i hit the wrong button and dont know how to get them off. My husband was the one that was good with the computer not me. I e mail my husband often then save them in his e mail. I dont know how i am going to make it without my sweet hug a bug. i try to think about the happy times but its so hard.

 

[gary t huntington]

 I agree with you I have faith  we where  the cross,and whole heartily  believe I will be with my love again , wishing she was here with us all not in pain, no cancer, happy times ...I/we miss her so much

[Jttalways]

I didn’t even get to say goodbye before he lost consciousness. The last words he said to me while they wheeled him to the elevator was “I’m sorry love.” I should have kissed and hugged him then. I should have held his hand in the elevator, I should have reassured him it was going to be ok. He was terrified and I didn’t get to show him any comfort. I didn’t know that was the last time I’d see him conscious. They shooed me out while they set him up in ICU. I didn’t even get to tell him it’d be ok or that I loved him. That‘s what f*$king kills me. This is what I try not to think about. It tears my heart into pieces. And I know a lot of people have had a similar experience. I will never be able to get over it. It will always be my biggest regret.