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Nicole's dad

Loss of adult child due to drugs

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Nicole's dad

I have experienced loss before, normal loss, parents, aunts & uncles, friends and as we age we know these things are inevitable. We expect them at some point because it is the order of things. I feel I should begin with the fact that I am a recovering alcoholic with by the grace of God almost 38 yrs. of sobriety and in that time I have lost many of my AA family most remained sober to their time, that was a gift from my higher power to have shared the lives of these wonderful people and their families but I still feel the loss of them, but I think of them with fondness for the fellowship we shared. On Feb. 29 2020 I lost my oldest daughter (40 yrs) to a drug overdose that date is significant in that my ex-Father in law with whom I and my children were very close with died the same day in 1993. The loss of my Father -n law was very hard on us so for my daughter to have died on the same date makes the loss that much harder. The loss was such a shock because we had struggled for years trying to help Nicole get free of drugs and my poor Granddaughter had found her several times unconscious and had feared the worse. At the end of last year around Sept.or Oct. she had begun to fight her way off of the drugs and it looked like she would finally do it,  my wife and I had been working with her and I was able to get her some supplements to help ween her off and got her to go to some meetings. I called her almost daily and at different times to see if there were any signs of use but every time I called she sounded good like the old Nicole. My wife and I lent her some money to move into a different place away from the availability of the drugs and she said as soon as her husband got his tax return she would return the money, (she was so happy we trusted her again to loan her that much money). As soon as she got the tax money she called to return the money and was coming on that Sunday to have dinner and bring us the money. She went to her sister's house on Thursday to have dinner with her and her children and I called her sister to talk to her for a minute and she hollered out " I just talked to Dad and told him I would see him Sunday" she sounded so happy, so you can imagine my shock when on Saturday I received a call for her husband telling me she died of an overdose, he was supposed to help her by keeping her away from drugs and he was doing them as well. I am beside myself with grief and shock and to make matters worse her husband still has their 3 yr. old daughter and is becoming quite a problem, leaving unannounced in the middle of the night and and at odd hours. With all the pain we have now we have to worry about our granddaughter. I do have a strong belief in God and Family, I have great friends as well but the pain is still incredible and the worry compounds all of this so if I rambled on please excuse me but I needed to get this out to help me heal. Nicole's 41st birthday was Mar.21st , I was planing to bring flowers to her grave but I received a call from my wonderful wife telling me my Father in law (her Dad) had just passed away, he was 92 and had been suffering from Parkinson's so as painful as it was to let him go he is at peace. Please Pray for us all.

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Mason’s Mom

So sorry for you loss.  Your statement about loosing other loved one and family members is much different from the loss of parents, grandparents etc... You have found a place of understanding.  If you read other stories of parents who have lost their children it helps us to understand the emotions we are feeling and not so lost.

Birthdays & holidays are difficult.  I hope you find peace and comfort.

 

Carol

 

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Nicole's dad

Thank you so much for helping, it is so new that I am just still in shock and missing her so much, but I do not question God's will but it hurts all the same.

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Mason’s Mom

Nicole`s Dad, I struggled with prayer for months after losing my son. When we got the call that he was unresponsive I begged God to breathe life back into his body. I didn't know how to pray for my girls and husband afterwards I was so afraid. I can pray again but it took a while.  It is early in your journey , there will be times of numbness,  times when it hits you So hard it is A physical pain.  I have been brought to my knees with the pain of grief. It can hit you out of nowhere and there are triggers.  I have always loved music,  there has always been music in the background of my life.  For months I couldn't listen at all. I still don't listen like I did but I try and when my daughters are around they play and listen.  Let yourself grieve and don't let anyone tell you how to grieve,  just don't let it take over. 

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Nicole's dad

Thank you so much for your help, I do have a strong belief in God and I know she is in the best care, no longer struggling with addiction or pain, but when you think you see light at the end of the tunnel only to find out its a train its a bit shocking but I still have to keep my faith. I am the youngest of 5 children, my father came here stay from Italy in 1928 when he was 28 yrs. old so by the time I was born he was 57 and he still tried to be a good Dad, but he worked hard and my parents relationship was not always good to say the least. They fought, my Dad drank often just to get out of the house, so its not a stretch that when he died the day after my 16th birthday that I began to drink. So needless to say my first marriage was a disaster, of course the only thing I saw good was my 2 daughters Nicole and her sister Shelly. I was sober 3+ yrs. when we got divorced and I had to fight for custody of them but fortunately my  ex-father in law and his wife helped me and I struggled is very hard and dangerous job but I had my family to help me and I always made sure the girls had all the help and attention they needed, the things I went through to take care of them was nothing less than incredible when I look back, I was always careful of whom I dated to make sure they were good people and many times having to end relationships because I didn't things were right and my ex-wife often times interfered or started problems with the girls many times disappearing for months or even at one point 3+ yrs.  (my Nikki even told me later that she thought her mom had died and we would not tell her) so to say I had my share of issues is something of an understatement but divorce, bankruptcy and custody, overcoming alcoholism, working in a very "unpleasant" job did not deter my faith, today I have a great job with almost 33 yrs. of service, a wonderful wife who loved my children as much as me as well as a son from her who loves me since he was 1.5 yrs. old we have been together 27+ yrs. and have been through a lot and she lost her own Dad on Nikki's birthday so it has been quite a test of our faith but for all God has carried me through I have to be thankful but I (we) could use a break if He doesn't mind, but I suppose he did by helping me find this group and the people who care enough to help one another. I did go on a bit of a ramble but I guess I needed to let go of some of the anxiety I have been feeling. So Thank you from the bottom of my heart and God Bless you and your family. I will pray for you. 

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Mason’s Mom

Just keep posting your thoughts and feelings.  It is some of the best therapy. Social media and other things make everyone's lives seem so perfect when in reality we all have obstacles to overcome it is how we handle them that makes us who we are. Be Thankful that you fought and got custody of your daughters. My son was a 21 year old boy so he wasn't living the life my husband and I wanted for him.  I struggled for months hoping he was in heaven,  I know he was saved as a child and did have conversations with my brother in law who is a pastor.  I still have some panic attacks from time to time wondering but I have gotten a few signs that make me feel better. 

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Nicole's dad

That is so great to receive any sign that they are ok, I have had a few and that helps so much. Do not give up your faith under any circumstances it will serve you in any issue, I keep thinking of Job, I know that was an amazing story but I would not want to be tested in that way. I will pray for your continued strength. God Bless 

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Nicole's dad

I pray for peace, we are trying to help my youngest daughter to take care of Nikki's little girl (3Yrs) because her father is getting more and more out of hand with the drugs. It is getting hard to bear because the loss of my Nikki is still so new and we cannot even grieve in peace having to deal with this, I pray God will help us to find the best way to resolve this nightmare.  

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Nicole's dad

Well, I have a new issue my family has to try to get custody of my little granddaughter because her dad is still using drugs and during this covid 19 epidemic children services is not having him tested at different times so he knows when to get a "detox" kit from a head shop and prepare for it even so he said he still had a dirty urine test (how that happened is beyond me) but it looks like children services may drop the charges as he told my daughter and will be giving him custody back, this is outrageous since this is at least the third time I am aware of that children services has been involved and taken custody. He is still under investigation for my daughter's death the loss keeps getting harder to take, my daughter's death has been so hard on me and my family and we still have not been able to properly grieve. I pray God will help us. I cannot even sleep a full night, often I take melatonin supplements to help me sleep so I can halfway function at work but even there I cannot get the loss of my Daughter out of my mind. 

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Mason’s Mom

Family custody battles are hard in any circumstances.  Grieving and trying to take on the challenge has to be extremely difficult. Somehow we find the strength to move forward.  When my son passed away my husband had just had a deep aggressive skin cancer removed along with lymph nodes, we didn't know if it had spread and the day we had to plan Mason's funeral my husband's surgery incision got infected. Just a couple of weeks after Mason's death the state medical examiner called my husband,  she explained that it was unusual for them to call family members of the deceased but she needed to tell us the cause of Mason's death and ask if he had siblings. She told us our daughter's needed to immediately have a full cardiac checkup as he had a rare cardiac disease. The fear of losing either or both was overwhelming.  Thanks to  God they were cleared after 2 months of testing. 

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My girl is in heaven

Nicole’s Dad.  How are things going for you?  Any word of custody issues with your grandchild.  I’m so sorry you have that on top of the grief of losing your precious daughter.  I m glad to see you have been able to keep,your faith, when most would have lost that after what you have gone thru.  Keep coming here knowing we all here walk this very difficult and at times lonely path.  Take care and let me know how you are doing if you feel up to it.

 

Lu....Kira’s mama.

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Nicole's dad

Thank you so much for your kind works and concern, it has been rough, the Attorney does not have a lot of hope because the father is still around and has most of the rights even though he is still using drugs he has been able to fool the child services by using those detox kits he gets from the head shops or where ever he gets them and they test him on the same day and time each week. But my little granddaughter is doing well with my youngest daughter and her children. My poor younger daughter is so afraid they will give the baby back to him and then we will not know what is going on with her, I pray for strength for my family and myself. I pray for all who have to go through this terrible issues with drugs. My wife has been donating to a program for addiction and overdose families on behalf of our daughter Nicole. She was trying so hard to get away from the drugs but he husband got his income tax and of course the temptation was too much when he offered to get drugs knowing he should have kept them away from her. I know God is with me and my Family, he has carried me all through my life, I know he did not carry me this far to leave me at the door. There must be only one set of footprints now for sure but hearing from people like you and the others that have responded has given me hope. Thank you Joe

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My girl is in heaven

Hi Joe.  How are things going for you and your family?  Are there any new developments on the custody issue of your grandchild?  Does your younger daughter still have custody? The loss of your precious daughter is so much to deal with let alone these others issues as well.  Bless your wife for her donations to  addicted families.  It takes a lot of courage to do that.  Most would be too bitter to want to give back to the world.  I’m so sorry Nicole lost her struggle with drugs, but you’re now trying to save another family the heartache that you now bear.  And what a gift that is that you give.  You have overcome so many struggles throughout your life,  but of course there is nothing worse than losing a child.  It may not feel like it right now, but someday you will find light, hope and happiness in your life again.  But for now you just need to live just the moment you are in.  Don’t try and look too far ahead.  Let grief wash over you how ever it will.  There’s no right or wrong, no how you should feel, what you should say. And yes, God it there with you, all the time and it is ok there is only one set of footprints in the sand.  I will always be here to help you.  I know the journey you are on.  
 

Lu.....Kira’s mama

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Nicole's dad

Hi Lu, Thanks for asking it is so comforting to know people care, yes my youngest does still have custody we have had to hire a Lawyer and it is expensive but my granddaughter has to be protected, and maybe be able to break the chain of addiction if she is able to stay away from her dad and the others using them. She deserves a chance. My wife is wonderful, it was her whole idea to support those families still struggling with addiction, when she found out how wide spread the drug outbreak was she felt we needed to do something. The funeral director at the home where we had Nicole's wake told us their home has been averaging 12-15 overdose cases weekly and if that was just his home how many are the other area homes experiencing. That started her looking into the whole addiction outbreak, we had some very nice young people here die from heroin overdoses one that was a waitress we often frequented who was going to nursing school. How sad she never made it but that is just one of so many we found out about. The custody issue only makes things so much worse and the dads still using drugs and then taking these detox kits to dodge the drug tests and then brags abut how he has no trouble passing their drug tests. The court hearing was cancelled for now because he was not properly summoned and now he will need representation to answer the charges against him. My poor daughter is so upset about this but I have asked her to be patient and trust God . Thanks again for your kind words and God bless you and your family for your loss. 

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My girl is in heaven

Hi Joe.  How are you and your wife doing?  I hope you are finding at least a few moments of peace here and there.  There are not many people here on this site anymore.  If you ever want to email I am at luannej@rogers.com.  I would be more than happy to help you in any way I can.  I have nine years into this journey, that none of us want to be on.  I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but hope and happiness will find you again one day.  I’m glad you have your faith, it will serve you well in the months and years to come.  Take care.

Lu....Kira’s mama

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Jacquiet

My firstborn daughter Bevin passed away July 10, 2020 due to a drug overdose. She was home with her daughters 22 and 18 at the time. Her boyfriend arrived and found her unresponsive. She was 40 years old and suffered from bipolar disorder, but had turned her life around in the past 8 months for the better. She was happy and we talked and texted often. I was shocked about the drug overdose because I never knew she was doing cocaine. I knew she smoke weed but this was a shocker to me--I guess I was naive. I suffer from chronic panic attacks so this coupled with grief has been pure torment. On top of this, her oldest daugher seems to make terrible choices with men that may have some severe consequences. She has a 2 year old son and I worry about him. My heart is already broken and having the additional stress on makes it worse. I pray my faith will help me survive this season in my life. I will never recover from her loss.

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Nicole's dad

I know how it feels, we are still struggling but keep your faith, it will sustain you. You may find the book "The purpose driven Life" by Rick Warren my wife found this and  the chapter "25 Transformed by trouble " was a great help to me I hope I have given you some help and stay strong in your faith. Please feel free to contact me any time. I do feel for you and your family. Our prayers are with you.

 Joe

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Tom K

Joe I'm sorry for loss of your daughter Nicole, I lost my 24 year old son Justin on 2/21/20 to a drug overdose it was his 3rd and final one. I know your pain , it can be unbearable at times. These drugs are a curse .My son was found in his room with his head down on his desk , there was needle and some small bags. The toxicology report stated that  he had a cocktail of drugs in his system, Fentanyl, (Xanax which he was prescribed) a version Xanax that's illegal in the US, Marijuana and of all things an animal tranquilizer. It's hard to wrap my head around why he would be taking these things. He had normal childhood we lived in a good area and he went to a good school. It makes so angry that this happened , it seems like such a waste but he was my son and I loved him.

 

Take care

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Nicole's dad

Hello Tom, my daughter had much the same drugs in her system and they believe the Fentanyl was the main cause but she was also taking Xanax by Rx, I found out much later that she had O.D.ed on other occasions but was able to come back and was telling others to make sure not to tell me. But in any case we had a great deal of issues, I myself am a recovering alcholic but have been a long time member of AA (by the grace of God 38yrs.) and my daughters often times went to meetings with me so they knew that honesty was super important about drugs and alchol, I had custody of the girls after my divorce and slowly re-built my family's life, my current wife and I have bee together 28 yrs and Married 26 yrs, she has cared for the girls since they were young and has always been a great example so for this to have happened,especially since she was doing so well trying to get clean and was starting to get back to her old self so this was such a shock and horror to happen. Obviously common law husband liked the drug addicted her and he and a "friend" got her more drugs which killed her. The biggest thing I can offer at this moment is to stay strong in your faith. It will sustain you and your family, I just mentioned to another member on this site my wife found a very good book called "The purposeful life" by Rick Warren you can find it on ebay for a few bucks but the chapter 25 Transformed by trouble extremely helpfuy to me (I am not in any way connected to the author or his book) but it may be helpful to you as well. Please feel free to contact me anytime and I will pray for you and your family. So sorry for your loss. Joe

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Tom K
On 7/24/2020 at 3:52 PM, Nicole's dad said:

Hello Tom, my daughter had much the same drugs in her system and they believe the Fentanyl was the main cause but she was also taking Xanax by Rx, I found out much later that she had O.D.ed on other occasions but was able to come back and was telling others to make sure not to tell me. But in any case we had a great deal of issues, I myself am a recovering alcholic but have been a long time member of AA (by the grace of God 38yrs.) and my daughters often times went to meetings with me so they knew that honesty was super important about drugs and alchol, I had custody of the girls after my divorce and slowly re-built my family's life, my current wife and I have bee together 28 yrs and Married 26 yrs, she has cared for the girls since they were young and has always been a great example so for this to have happened,especially since she was doing so well trying to get clean and was starting to get back to her old self so this was such a shock and horror to happen. Obviously common law husband liked the drug addicted her and he and a "friend" got her more drugs which killed her. The biggest thing I can offer at this moment is to stay strong in your faith. It will sustain you and your family, I just mentioned to another member on this site my wife found a very good book called "The purposeful life" by Rick Warren you can find it on ebay for a few bucks but the chapter 25 Transformed by trouble extremely helpfuy to me (I am not in any way connected to the author or his book) but it may be helpful to you as well. Please feel free to contact me anytime and I will pray for you and your family. So sorry for your loss. Joe

Hi Joe Thanks for your response I  also went through a divorce with my son's mom and myself we were married 24 four years, I believe  the divorce may have contributed to some of his drug use but from what i've uncovered it was much earlier than that. I've always worked a lot but I was always part of of his life. I grew up in the Catholic Religion but later went over to Christian reformed but to be honest my faith has been strained  to say the least . I will check that book out, I need to start taking better care of myself, this tragedy hit me hard. I was able to keep my mind  active after his  death by immersing myself in my work, but that only helped for awhile . Going to the cemetery is hard, I was there this weekend with my daughter. I'm hoping that when things open up again I can go to a locale support group and talk with others with similar experience's. Thanks for reaching out it does help. Tom

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Nicole's dad

Hi Tom, As with anything it does take time. You cannot blame yourself, what happened was more than just one person. I know there are times you think "I could have done this" or "maybe if I did that" but in the end part of God's plan was to help you become more Christ like, and as Christ suffered so will we but the suffering is not forever, it is only temporary but your purpose is to continue living and be the example God wants you to be. This is hard because I am not a priest or man of the cloth but I do know that when we are in pain we stand nearer to the cross and in doing so we are able to let go and let God do for us what we could not do for ourselves. As painful as this is, this will get better. I am starting to feel a bit better with each day but thats not to say I don't have my days, I do but in time God will reveal his plan for you, that may be helping other families with drug issues or speaking to others about your experience that they may find some peace and hope for their own in your story. Your faith will sustain you and even Christ had his faith tested, but if God is truly our Almighty Father, then what father would not help his child when he sees he is suffering. He helped Christ is his time and we are also his children so would'nt he also help us as well. Trust in God that you will not be forgotten, he is omnipresent always with you in all things. I I went through a divorce, bankruptcy and custody all at the same time and a time came when all hearing fell on the same day in different court houses at the same time, on the way my car broke down, so I pushed it to a parking space and walked to the bus passing my ex-wifes house so I stopped and told her what happened in case I was late. I made it to court and contacted my lawyer and was able to keep all  the hearings which all was found in my favor, that was not my doing but God's plan "Thy will be done not my will" has been my strength to this day even through my daughter's death. I believe he has helped me so I may help others. I often read the prayer of St. Fransis knowing full this will not be my last heartbreak but at least I have God's hand to guide me and comfort me. I apologize for rambling on but it helps me to get it out and it may help you as well. I hope and pray for you and your family to heal and be stronger for your experience. Prayers to you Joe

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