loss of best friend

[Dey]

Peach, i feel the same way. It's so hard seeing other people move on with their lives and I'm still stuck with my life with Sam. And in my culture (I'm Asian) people tend to talk less about grieving, they expect you to move on fast, but I can't. I'm still so much missing my husband, I don't know if I can get better.

[peach_2003]

his mom said to me today that I might want to pass the time organizing the house and putting away my husbands things. I cried and said that I wasn't ready and I promised that I wouldn't get rid of his toys and I meant it. I wont get rid of his things. They are a part of me. They are a part of us.

[Missy1]

The one stand that I took was I don’t let anybody tell me what to do with my husband’s stuff. I am grieving and sad and basically a puddle of goo my brain was fogged out but I snapped when people try to tell me how I should heal, I’m not OK with that.

Even though I’m super lonely by myself at least I don’t have to tolerate people telling me what to do or how I should feel, when I don’t even know myself.

you don’t have to make any decisions on the disposition of his personal belongings. Don’t let people sway you into something you’re not comfortable doing it’s too hard right now. Be true to yourself, take your time. I want to keep my husband’s personal belongings just the way he left them as long as possible. Maybe forever...

[peach_2003]

I feel the same way. I am planning to keep all of his t shirts ( I will wear them they make me feel closer to him) his sleep pants and jogging pants I will wear these around the house his jeans and shorts I will get rid of eventually just not yet and his boxers I will be keeping I can wear these around the house as well. his toys will be staying same with all of his tv shows and movies ( I may watch them I am just not ready for this yet) When grand ma passed grand pa left her sweater in the living room for years ( I think it may be still there and its been 7 years since she passed) dad kept telling him even 2 days after grandmas left us that he needed to get rid of her stuff, grand pa just ignored him which I plan to do the same,  I asked my sweet hug a bug to come to me tonight in my dreams I hope he does I am also going to his grave tomorrow to speak to him ( his dad drives me because I don't drive) he sits in the car at least so I can be alone with my sweet husband and talk to him. 

[Dey]

10 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

his mom said to me today that I might want to pass the time organizing the house and putting away my husbands things. I cried and said that I wasn't ready and I promised that I wouldn't get rid of his toys and I meant it. I wont get rid of his things. They are a part of me. They are a part of us.

It seems his mom doesn't understand, or maybe they have different way if thinking (?). Our husband's belongings are one of many things that we cherish. Even if we decided to put them away, it wuld be our decisions, and in our time. We may or may not keep them, it's our choices anyway. I also don't want to let go any of my husband belonging, I wear his clothes all the time nowadays, I keep clean all his stuff, my son also doesn't want to let go his stuff. He wears his watch, keep his mobile phone etc. It's one of our way to cherish and remember him. 

9 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Don’t let people sway you into something you’re not comfortable doing it’s too hard right now. Be true to yourself, take your time. I want to keep my husband’s personal belongings just the way he left them as long as possible. Maybe forever...

This, thank you @Missy1.. although you wrote that as reply to Peach, but it gets to me too. There are certain things that (no matter how crushed and lost I am) I need to set boundaries. 

9 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

I am also going to his grave tomorrow to speak to him

I envy you, it's another 4 days before I can go to his cemetery. I miss talking to him

[peach_2003]

believe me if I could go every day I would go but its out of the way a bit I would have to take a bus because his dad wont drive me every day. 

[peach_2003]

I was rereading my husbands old e mails this is the one he sent me on our anniversary last year. 

 

We may not have much, but your love has been more than enough for me.

 

From the moment I first saw you I knew our two hearts beat as one.

 

  I am with you always and love you for eternity!

 

Happy Anniversary my Luv!

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I snapped when people try to tell me how I should heal, I’m not OK with that.

Good for you for standing up for yourself!  No one has any business telling us how to handle this!

Peach, I hope some measure of peace and comfort are yours as you visit his gravesite.  I have a memorial stone in our back yard where his ashes were scattered, it is reassuring to me that his "remains" are there as I look out my patio door.  He loved this place, he called it "our home in the mountains."  Never mind it's an old mobile home, it was home, it's a beautiful peace of property and it's where we spent our too-short life together.

[peach_2003]

It didn't give me much comfort. I cried and cried and I came home and it started all over again because I am all alone with no one to talk to and the only person I want is my matthew. I asked him to come see me tonight in my dreams I just don't know if he will. 

[Missy1]

It seems that everything in our home is attached to a memory I cry and am very lonely to. I want my husband back so badly! It’s so difficult to imagine tomorrow without him. They say it softens, one cannot stay in distress, the body and mind must cope eventually. I find my tears and outbursts can be less if I distract myself. I have work and chores as an outlet. 

[peach_2003]

Nothing seems to help me everything makes me cry cant even do the dishes without crying. I am sad all the time. I want my husband back badly as well. 

[Dey]

Peach, i hardly do anything without crying too.. today I talked to his smiling photo, I ask him whether he hear me or not, whether he still near me or not.. sadly I don't get his replies. I can only hear my sobbing.. oh I miss him, so much

[peach_2003]

I know the feeling Dey. I feel so bad and I feel like the doctors let me down. I feel like they didn't give me any support at all and that they didn't do enough to save him. I feel like all they had to do was remove his gall stones which would have fixed his pancertitis and I don't understand why they didn't they didn't explain anything to me at all. I am so heart broken and I just want to die and be with him. I don't think I can live without him

[KayC]

Just do today, don't think about the rest of your life.  Focus on this moment and do that.  My heart goes out to you, I remember feeling those same things, it took much time to soften the pain a bit, I don't know how I survived, no choice I guess.  It was tough.

[Dey]

10 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

I am so heart broken and I just want to die and be with him. I don't think I can live without him

Same dear. And 2 weeks after his passing, the feeling is even more prominent. Maybe because now I'm left with nothing to do, before I still had things to take care, letters to write, forms to fill. But those are done now. If I don't have my son to take care and raise I don't know what I would do. My son is the reason I try to stay sane now. 

[peach_2003]

I know I cried filling out my forms for my husband as well. I feel like this is all a nightmare that I am going to wake up and he is going to be there waiting for me. I know its not true and I wake up completely alone. This is just awful. I just feel like going to sleep and never waking up again. I keep asking him over and over to come to me in my dreams but he only did once and it was for only for 5 minutes. I need more I need my hug a bug back, I regret listening to his parents and pulling him from life support. Expecally since he didn't want me too he just couldn't talk but he was able to answer yes and no questions. The hospital didn't even give me a social worker to help me out I am completely alone

[Missy1]

I will say this once, this is how I truly feel deep inside.

I just want to go where he is I will follow him anywhere.

[jwahlquist]

4 hours ago, Dey said:

Same dear. And 2 weeks after his passing, the feeling is even more prominent. Maybe because now I'm left with nothing to do, before I still had things to take care, letters to write, forms to fill. But those are done now. If I don't have my son to take care and raise I don't know what I would do. My son is the reason I try to stay sane now. 

Yes!   This absolutely this!

Although even after I had taken everything into Social Security I had to wait 2 months for a phone interview appointment to complete the application and claims.  At least they back date the payments to when you initially went in to talk to them.   So I had to wait to take care of that little bit and I had to keep on my husband’s employer’s HR department.  The lady in charge of his life insurance claims kept forgetting to send the information from his employer, to the insurance company that his policies were through.  
 

Now that all of those details are taken care of the only thing keeping me from going crazy are this site, my pills, my daughter and being super busy trying to figure out how to teach from home.  
 

 

[jwahlquist]

2 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

I regret listening to his parents and pulling him from life support. Expecally since he didn't want me too he just couldn't talk but he was able to answer yes and no questions. The hospital didn't even give me a social worker to help me out I am completely alone

I am so sorry that your in-laws pressured you into doing things you didn’t want to.  I cant believe that the hospital didn’t give you an advocate and support YOU making the decisions.  I wish that they would have treated you as well as the hospital treated us.  I am sorry that they didn’t   

My daughter and I had 2 social workers.  1 for her and 1 for me.  They were amazing.   They helped my daughter do some memory keepsakes like hand prints and finger prints.  They brought us a quilt to put over my husband so we could snuggle with him.  They let us keep the quilt too in addition to everything else.   I keep it next to me each night.  

[peach_2003]

No they didn't give me any one I could only hold his hand I couldn't even get into bed with him I really wish I could of got into bed with him and snuggled with him one last time. But I never got that chance.

[KayC]

I didn't get a social worker either, just kicked out of the unit he was in, door locked behind me.  It was the worst moment of my life, that and when they came to tell me he was gone.  They didn't have to say a word, I knew.  I'm glad some of you did.  Even my pastor left the next morning on vacation like nothing happened, leaving me to figure out the funeral on my own.  Thank God for the church secretary!

[peach_2003]

I have been looking for a support group in my area but I wasn't able to find one due to covid-19 hopefully this will be done soon. than maybe I can find someone to sit down and talk with

[KayC]

I hope so.  And many grief counselors are doing phone sessions right now.  Try to hang in there for this COVID-19 to be over, this is an especially hard time to be a new griever.  (((hugs)))

[peach_2003]

very hard plus I really don't have any friends just his one friend and he only messages me on face book and he usually takes hours to write back. I wrote him yesterday and he didn't write back yet. 

[Dey]

I know peach, during this difficult time, some people finally show their true colors, our (not that many) friends gradually stop contacting and move on with their lives. I believe it's not that they want to abandon me, but maybe it's making them uncomfortable to talk or check out on me. No one wants to think about lossing someone dear to them, so they avoid it as much as they can.

But i have long learned to only cherish my true friends, so I'm not even disappointed or slighted by their lacks of attention. I don't care if that "casual friends" come and go, as long as I have the ones whom I know would stand beside me through thick and thin just like I would for them. 

 

[peach_2003]

I don't think he is purposely ignoring me, I am not sure if he actually has access to the internet all the time. Also he used to take his time to message my husband back sometimes so I know he will eventually get back to me it just is hard right now

[KayC]

If we have one true friend, we are fortunate indeed.  I hope you hear from him soon.  When you're grieving, you need someone to talk to, and waiting can seem an eternity.

[Dey]

I'm glad you still have his friend to talk to. Yeah it's difficult time right now, especially for people like us who just lose our love, our world, our everything... 

 

[peach_2003]

Yes it is. Like I said I know he is not ignoring me he once took a month to get back to my husband. I am hoping to have him over once this covid-19 is over that way we can hang out in person. My husband was going to have him over in march than he got sick and went into the hospital if he would have gotten out right away he still wouldn't have been able to have him over until this covid-19 was over, its just going to be weird to have this guy over without my husband here. I only hung out with him a few times, but at least it would be company and the cat isn't scared of  him not like my in laws. The cat is scared of my in laws,

[Missy1]

The rest of the world keeps going, they have their universe. No one contacts anymore, except my Mom..

This is it, my old life is gone forever. I read that learning to live alone takes time, it’s something people have get used to. There are many lonely people in the world. It’s very sad. I never thought I would find my self feeling so emotionally crippled. My confidence is gone, I have changed. I will carry this grief and pain for rest of my life. 

[peach_2003]

I feel the same way missy I barely even cook and when I do its usually one meal a day that's all I usually eat because I have no interest in food at all,

[Missy1]

Me too the day he died I was making tacos for him, fry the shells making the meat chopping the vegetables I loved to cook for him and he loved my cooking!

I don’t cook anymore I eat horrible frozen pizzas top Ramen macaroni bowl of frozen vegetables.  I can’t cook anymore I feel anxious I get anxiety attacks I can’t do this! 
I’m trying to stay out of the dark place so I try to do things that don’t trigger horrible anxiety or crying jags, but it seems that everything does ! My whole life revolved around this man for 30 years I’m feeling very hopeless...

[peach_2003]

My husband used to love my cooking too. He always said that was one of the things he loves most about me. 17 years together and now its all over. I pretty much eat the same things as you minus the frozen pizza my sweet hug a bug loved pizza it was one of his favorite things I don't know if I will ever want to eat pizza again

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I read that learning to live alone takes time

Except that right now we're not given time, we're just dumped into this in megadoses.

11 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I don’t cook anymore I eat horrible frozen pizzas top Ramen macaroni bowl of frozen vegetables.

Be careful...I "didn't care" after George died and I ate whatever, gaining 50 lbs that I kept on all these years.  This year I lost it, only have three to go.  Skin is not resilient as you age so it doesn't look the same on me as it did 15 years ago.  Meanwhile I developed Diabetes and am doing my level best to control that.  I have my numbers down now but am still on the Rxs, which do their own damage, so hoping to get off of them eventually.  I'm just saying, spare yourself going through what I put myself through, at least look for healthy tv dinners if you can't cook.  Or make healthy smoothies, buy salad mixes, etc.  Avoid the situation I got myself into.

[peach_2003]

I do by salad mixes and things like that I have lost at least 15 pounds since I lost my husband and that doesn't include the 10 pounds that I loss while he was sick in the hospital

[jwahlquist]

@Missy1 @peach_2003

I understand cooking isn’t much fun.   My husband did 99% of the cooking before.  So for me it feels like an invasion of his territory.   I probably would only cook microwave meals if I didn’t have two kids that like “real” food.   
 

Personally to try to keep it healthier for myself, I have cereal and juice in the morning.  I eat string cheese for snacks when I get hungry during the day.  Then for dinner I make something, usually something easy like hamburgers, tacos or pasta.   I drink cranberry juice during the day as it keeps me from drinking soda.  

[Missy1]

Glad you have work arounds, I just get too emotional, cooking, I loved to cook for him, we would cook together and talk and laugh. There is no reason to cook for myself, if I had someone else around I guess would have to. I am fine eating frozen food and stuff.  Trying to stay away from triggers to keep the little sanity I have left. I am functioning that’s  plus.

 

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Be careful...I "didn't care" after George died and I ate whatever, gaining 50 lbs that I kept on all these years.  This year I lost it, only have three to go.

Kay, You must be so proud of yourself.  You certainly should be.  I bet anything that it helps you either reduce your meds or get off them entirely.

I know you're right about eating well, but I am afraid I am still in the "who cares about cooking much" stage.  I am an excellent cook and baker, and it gave me such pleasure to nourish my husband.  He was so appreciative of it and it was a wonderful creative process for me.

Now?  I have eaten more pre-prepared food, much of which is too salty, too carb-heavy, and too processed, in the past 20 months than I did in the previous 10 years, at least.  I am trying hard to change that and make better choices again, but it's just so hard to care about it any more.  Foods that are comforting and easy are also not so great for me physically.  I have not lost any of the 25 lb I gained while my husband was ill.  I already needed to lose a good 15 lb or so, bringing me to at least 40 lb over what would be healthy and reasonably comfortable.  As yet, I haven't gotten my self-discipline back to a point where I can do much of anything that I know I should and need to do, both for my own health and on the "to do" list.

I know that I need to be better to myself, but a big part of me says, "Who cares?  Your love isn't here to be proud of you.  You have no one you care about looking good for anyway."  Maybe with spring and summer, fresh fruits and more veggies, fewer high calorie/fat choices, and a bit of determination, I can begin that slow process.  It sure gets harder to lose weight once we've passed menopause!  But I look in the mirror and see not just a woman who aged at least a decade in less than 2 years, but a body that does not look or feel like mine.  My cortisol levels were sky high for 2 years, but starting to come down.  With COVID-19, I'm certain they are going back up.  Between the stress over what's happening in the world and country, the fact that our girls live in Seattle (an epicenter), being in two high-risk groups myself, and having virtually no human contact in the past 6 weeks, I am not doing well at all.

But you have given me the inspiration to try to set a different course for the remainder of this enforced isolation.  Maybe I can look at it a different way.  Maybe I can get myself to believe that my husband will be proud of me for it.

((Hugs))

 

[peach_2003]

If I had someone to cook for that would be nice. I really loved cooking for my husband, His parents just got me a slow cooker in jan for my birthday. I made stew for him in it  (it was the first thing I made for him in it) he told me that it was the best stew that he ever had. He loved food.

 

[jwahlquist]

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I know that I need to be better to myself, but a big part of me says, "Who cares?  Your love isn't here to be proud of you.  You have no one you care about looking good for anyway." 

Since my husband got sick and passed away I have lost 25 pounds.   I would still like to lose a bit more but like you said, I don’t have anyone who cares about what I look like anymore.    My husband loved me for me whether I was skinny like when we met or chunky like I was before he passed away.

I guess I just need to work on it for myself and not worry about anything else.   

[peach_2003]

I know the feeling my husband loved the way I looked too. He always told me that I was his little hoggle ( its from labyrinth) which may seem insentsive  to people but to me it was sweet. Labyrinth was one his favorite movies and hoggle was one of his favorite characters he had other cute nicknames for me as well, 

I have kept every card and note and e mail he sent me he did the same, going through all of our notes is very hard, it breaks my heart, when I went to Walmart this morning I saw a movie that he was waiting to come out, I started crying when I saw it

[KayC]

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Now?  I have eaten more pre-prepared food, much of which is too salty, too carb-heavy, and too processed

It's easy to buy a cooked chicken and salad mix at the store.  There's healthy workarounds.  Even healthy snacks, someone mentioned string cheese..  I'd eat fruit if not for the Diabetes but at least can have berries and plain low-carb yogurt.  Peanut butter & celery.  Cheese, eggs. 

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

As yet, I haven't gotten my self-discipline back to a point where I can do much of anything that I know I should and need to do

Well it took me all these years to finally do something!  The Diabetes is a huge incentive, I don't want to lose my eyesight or feet, both of which would bring on loss of independence and quality of life.

 

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

the fact that our girls live in Seattle (an epicenter)

At least they've peaked and I look for them to recover their way of life before we do here..

 

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Maybe I can get myself to believe that my husband will be proud of me for it.

I like to think of George looking down on me and yes, proud.  Proud of all of the decisions I've had to make alone.  Proud of the grit I've had as I made it through surgery alone, dealt with loss of jobs three times during the recession, needing a new roof the first week I retired, dealing with contractors (ugh), making decisions about if/when to replace a car, buy new or used, what type of heat to use, etc.  The major decisions are endless and these are things we would have talked about or faced together.  George had such faith in me!  It carries me even now.

 

8 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

My husband loved me for me whether I was skinny like when we met or chunky like I was before he passed away.

George looked at me through rose colored lenses, he thought I was wonderful no matter what!  It didn't matter if I aged or gain weight, he'd have loved me just the same, it's like he wouldn't even see that.  He adored every bit of me.  I caught him lovingly gazing at and stroking my veins that stuck out on my hands.  Only he could view me that way.

 

12 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

I really loved cooking for my husband 
He loved food.

George too and I loved cooking for him.  I wish he were here now to try out all the new Keto recipes I'm making.

1 hour ago, peach_2003 said:

I went to Walmart this morning I saw a movie that he was waiting to come out, I started crying when I saw it

Oh Hon, I understand.

[peach_2003]

I hope my husband will be proud of me some day. it will be a month tomorrow since my sweet hug a bug left me. I feel even worse now then the day he died. 

[peach_2003]

My sweet hug a bug died a month ago today. I miss him so very much. Each second without him is awful. All I want is his arms around me hugging me tightly.

[Dey]

Peach.. I don't know how I'd be when I experience that in 10 more days. I'm already scared just by imagining it, and the date is so close to our 13th anniversary, just 3 days apart. Yes life without him is so awful. I don't even know how I've survived this 2,5 weeks without him. I hope you'd be okay, as okay as you can be given this kind of situation.  <<hug>>

[peach_2003]

our 17th anniversary is June 20th a week after that will be 3 months since he died. this is very unbearable. I just keep thinking about how he died and how our life together was so good and I don't know how this could happen to us. 

[Dey]

Yeah life was so happy, because we shared it with the right one. The pain is unbearable because we once had it, but not anymore. Those happy days now only shadows, only memories that can't be relived. That life was suddenly taken from us... 

[Larissa]

I lost my soulmate and everything else and the worst part about it is that it was completely preventable and all my fault. I am sorry that others have lost their soulmates but I see hope and light at the end of the tunnel for them. Unfortunately, I lost everything and literally have no direction in life anymore...bad place to be

[Larissa]

I don’t know what to do or how to go forward

 

i lost literally everything

there is no place to go to now except a women’s shelter with my dogs 

[Dey]

Larissa... I'm as guilty as you. Had I taken my husband straight to hospital and not to GP, he would still be with me these days. I should know better how serious his condition was. Some members here (who know about this grieving better than I do) told me that this "guilty" is something that most of us experience during our process. But honestly I don't know if I can overcome it too. I'm drowning.