lost my husband

[garysgirl]

hi, I lost my husband Gary in october. he had cancer. we were told he was cured and we expected only for him to heal and get better. to strengthen. he died suddenly at home on October 24 of last year. it was shocking and he was everything to me. we have a 14 year old daughter I'm now raising alone. we had her a little late in life but I always expected him to be here to raise her with me. it makes no sense.

[jwahlquist]

I am sorry for your loss.   Being a single parent isn’t easy.  My daughter is almost 12 and I never thought I would be raising her by myself.   My husband was only 48 when he passed away in February unexpectedly.  I have found it very helpful to come here to “talk” & even “vent” because everyone here understands what you are going through.   I know no one where I live that is a widow or widower.   

[garysgirl]

thank you for responding. I'm sorry for the loss of your husband.  it is a weird place to be. i feel too young to be a widow. i actually dont like the word...my husband was 57 just 5 days away from.his birthday. he was really young for his age and I never would have expected this. I am hoping talking to.others will help , it can be overwhelming at times. 

[Heart&Soul]

I'm sorry for your loss.  My husband died October 12, 2018 from cancer, he was only 52.  My world came crashing down on me that day and has never been the same. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could rewind time so that I re-live the 25 years we had together.  I feel so lonely and lost without him.

This place has been such a blessing - you can come here and share your feelings and get support from others.  Keep coming back here and take care.

 

[garysgirl]

I understand completely. we were together 17 years. I wish I could go back too. it is lonely. I lost him the 24th of October. 

[Missy1]

My husband was 58, he had depression and anxiety, on meds and got very intoxicated, on an impulse he felt like I was better off without him, he took his life, I was home with him at the time it was a horrific experience, 26 yrs married 30 years in love.
He was my everything, I am lost and alone here, no kids. We are many who have lost out best friend, lover, supporter and half of our soul...very sorry fo your loss.

[garysgirl]

I'm so sorry for your loss. it is shocking to be with them when they pass.  I dont think I'm still past the shock.of it. and I feel the same,  he was half of my soul . 

[jwahlquist]

4 hours ago, garysgirl said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. it is shocking to be with them when they pass.  I dont think I'm still past the shock.of it. and I feel the same,  he was half of my soul . 

I am only 42 so I don’t like the word widow either.   We would have been married 23 years this year.   We got married when I was 20 so pretty much my whole adult life I have been married.   I am still not sure who I am without him.   
 

There is no other decision that will be worse than having to tell the doctors to take my husband off of life support.   I know he wouldn’t have wanted that life but it damn near killed me to do it.  

[garysgirl]

I kind of know what you mean. my husband passed away at home but the responders worked on him 45 minutes. they finally told me I had to make the decision to let them stop. they did offer to try at the hospital. it was such an awful thing to have to agree to. If the chief of police wasnt there at the time I dont know if I could have told them to stop trying. but he looked right at me and said, Susan hes gone' and that helped me. it is terrible to have that put on you though. later I found his hospital paperwork and he had written on it do not resuscitate...so I'm glad that I did make that decision after all. 

 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss...my husband had just turned 51, had a heart attack five days later, he looked the epitome of health.  Because he was at the hospital, they wouldn't let me be with them while they worked on him, it's bothered me that he might have felt I abandoned him in his final hour but they literally locked the door after shoving me out.  I can't forgive that.  We were always together when we weren't working.

I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful in the years since, I hope something in it will leap out at you now, maybe something else later in your journey.  

Welcome here, and I hope you'll keep coming, it helps to have a place where others get it.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

  19 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Oh I looked up the book, you are the author of this book, interesting...the book is fiction? Sounds like you put a lot of work into your book, good for you.

It was called to my attention that you ARE the author and you've purported to have been "helped by this book" that you stand to make $ off of!  Your Amazon profile picture is the same as the picture in your profile here.  How wrong to try to use this grief site as a platform to make $ off of unsuspecting grievers!  

 

Right after my husband died, I went to a women's conference in Portland OR and the speaker shared about losing her husband...she was young, they didn't have children yet.  Everything she shared gave me strength, resilience, hope that I could get through this.  Sometimes these things are put in our pathway when we most need to hear their message.

I want to tell you I am sorry for your loss, it always breaks my heart to think that yet another person is going through this.

[garysgirl]

KayC  thank you. I'm sorry for your loss too. I understand not being there for him. I also wasnt and have some regret. I was freaking out and the minute the ambulance arrived I ran to get them and they took over. I stayed away. I wish I hadn't but at the time I thought I should be out of the way. I've forgiven myself though because at the time I did what I thought was best. but there is still regret.  

[KayC]

They do want us out of the way while they work on them, I'm sure that's why they threw me off the ward.  I hadn't been a problem, in fact, if it wasn't for me they wouldn't have KNOWN he was in cardiac arrest, as I ran and got them!  They also may have done it to spare me as it can be hard watching them break ribs to try and get a heartbeat back.  But I only wanted to be by his side when he transitioned to what was next for him.  I hope he knows and understands that.

[garysgirl]

im.sure he does know and understands as my husband does too. <3

[jwahlquist]

On 3/30/2020 at 9:34 PM, meg22 said:

Hello Garysgirl, I'm sorry for your loss, I too lost my husband but we didn't have any kids or got the chance to, as he died 2 months after we got married. There is a christian fiction book called -A Shattered Life Restored by Marshalee Patterson,  that helps with grieving and helped me get through that phase. Although she lost her husband on the eve of finding out she was pregnant, like you, she too was wondering how she would raise the child alone. But God was in the mix and surprised her and it was a healing process for me as it was for her. I saw that its on special now on Amazon too if you want to get it before the promo ends.I would share the link but not sure it's allowed here, but here is a picture of cover as I like to use covers to recommend to others, thinking God allowed me to go through my experience to help other through theirs. I hope it lifts you through yours and heals you.

Seems like you are the author of the book?   If you are author of the book perhaps you should disclose that fact to others rather than recommending it as a book that “helped you” through your loss.  

[KayC]

Still trying to get personal gain by promoting YOUR FICTIONAL BOOK!  Amazon profile picture of author the same as yours.

[jwahlquist]

1 minute ago, KayC said:

I'm not sue she is the author...

If you look at her profile picture here, it is the same picture she used on her author page on Amazon.   

[KayC]

Serious?  That would be a breech of interest as it's promoting her own book and that's against regulations here.

[Missy1]

Very true I posted the same accusation under a different thread, not okay to exploit grieving people, very disrespectful. She is the author.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, meg22 said:

Things will get better, let go of the hurt and look to  the source of our joy. he got me through and that book I mentioned earlier-A Shattered Life Restored helped alot

Still trying to get personal gain by promoting YOUR FICTIONAL BOOK!  Amazon profile picture of author the same as yours.

[garysgirl]

yes I'm thinking of quitting this altogether. my loss of my husband post has become a huge thing. I only wanted to share my loss. maybe meet some others who also understand. it's very stressful on top of everything. 

[garysgirl]

I also dont understand a Christian saying she found a book that helped when its her own book. it's not the right thing to do especially if you represent God. 

[jwahlquist]

1 minute ago, garysgirl said:

yes I'm thinking of quitting this altogether. my loss of my husband post has become a huge thing. I only wanted to share my loss. maybe meet some others who also understand. it's very stressful on top of everything. 

Please don’t quit because of this.  Almost everyone here is here to listen and be a support.  I am sorry that this is adding to your stress.  

[garysgirl]

thank you. it took me awhile to even post anything. my post was supposed to be about my husband not all this other stuff. I know im.probably being really sensitive. but its the way it is for me right now. 

[jwahlquist]

22 minutes ago, garysgirl said:

thank you. it took me awhile to even post anything. my post was supposed to be about my husband not all this other stuff. I know im.probably being really sensitive. but its the way it is for me right now. 

Of course you are sensitive!   I feel bad that someone would take advantage of your post and grief to market their own work.   
 

It is hard opening yourself up to others and sharing your grief.  I get it.   It is hard to put yourself out there and be vulnerable.   But know there are those of us here that do understand.   I can absolutely relate to what you are going through.  Having an 11 year old daughter, I know how hard it is to go through losing the love of my life but still having to be there for someone else at the same time.  

[garysgirl]

thank you 

[KayC]

I feel the same, I would hate to see you quit.  It was a site such as this that saved my life when my husband suddenly died.  It's very hard to navigate on your own, we really want to be here for you.  That's why I'm still here after all these years; I genuinely care about others going through this.  I'm sorry this person infiltrated your thread with this.  Try to dismiss her posts from your mind, we're here listening.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, garysgirl said:

yes I'm thinking of quitting this altogether. my loss of my husband post has become a huge thing. I only wanted to share my loss. maybe meet some others who also understand. it's very stressful on top of everything. 

Please don't quit coming here.  I'm sorry that your thread got caught up in dealing with an unethical "member" doing self promotion and proselytizing.  This is not typical at all.  We have to call it out and then report it the rare times it happens.  Unfortunately, it happened on your first thread.  I'm sorry that it took what should be your story in a negative direction.

May I urge you to start a new thread?  Please do tell us more, as you can, about your husband and your life together.  Almost all of us are here to simply help each other, listen without judgment, and comfort when we can.  Don't let one or two people deter you from that.

I will tell you that I understand thinking your love has beaten cancer and then having the bastard (sorry, that's how I feel) take him away.  My husband's chemo for bladder cancer seemed to be successful.  We were scared, but hopeful that his scheduled surgery would allow us to continue our lives together, albeit a little differently.  But I was okay with that as long as I had him by my side.

It was not to be.  Before he could have his second surgery, the cancer came roaring back.  Even though the previous tests has shown it was contained and the chemo markers were good, some little cells escaped and spread.  I lost him less than 4 months later.  I would have done anything, paid anything, given everything to have him recover.  I would have traded places with him in a heartbeat to spare him the pain and fear.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here with us.  The true members, which is almost everyone, have been enormously helpful and kind.

((Hugs))

p.s., You are not being over sensitive.  It is, unfortunately, very typical to feel the way you do and to hesitate to post and share.  Please keep trying. We are listening (okay, technically reading...) and will always be here for you.

[Missy1]

4 hours ago, garysgirl said:

yes I'm thinking of quitting this altogether. my loss of my husband post has become a huge thing. I only wanted to share my loss. maybe meet some others who also understand. it's very stressful on top of everything

Please do not give up on this group this is not typical. These folks have kept me alive when all I wanted to do was follow my husband to wherever it is people go when they die! This is good place, maybe start a new thread or we can get this cleaned up. So sorry, do not want to add your pain. 
Your experience was horrendous and I wish you didn’t have to experience this pain, there is no going back, time keeps going. I feel stuck in past, I died on January 29, 2020 at 2:00, I am nothing without him. Their life was our life in ways no one can comprehend. I feel alone,scared, abandoned and messed up every day. We are here for you, we can walk together in this.

[meg22]

Hello Gary'sgirl, kayc and everyone else that I offended, I am sorry. I did not intend to do so, but everything I said about my husband and the book was true. While writing it, healing came and it's from that perspective I know it will help you as well. It 'wasn't about promoting the book as you might think. I just didn't think if I mentioned I was the author you would think my story was authentic, but I guess I should have said so, as it seem to turn against me and my hope for it not seen as genuine. I would send you a Pdf or mobi copy free to read just so you see I'm sincere and in what way God got me through. It's my first time here and again I am sincerely sorry for offending anyone. When I lost my husband I grieved all by myself and it was a scary place to be but God got me through and that was what I wanted to share. Please everyone I asked your sincere apology. 

[Jttalways]

I lost my husband on September 24, 2019. We have a 15 year old son. Even though we knew his leukemia was very serious, we never gave up hope that he would recover. He was 35 years old when he passed and perfectly healthy prior to cancer so we were confident in his recovery even when he kept relapsing. Even though I tried to prepare myself for the worst, I wasn’t. Not even close. His death was a shock to me and it still is. It still feels like a huge mistake has been made. I still feel like somehow he will return to me even though his urn sits on my dresser. The comfort I have is knowing he is no longer in pain. I wish for peace and comfort to you and your daughter. 

[KayC]

@garysgirl , I hope you'll continue to come here...I'm serious when I say my forum saved my life when my husband died...knowing others understood and got it, hearing everyone's struggles, I knew I was not alone, and occasionally even hearing some hope on getting through this.  I've learned to coexist with my grief, no it never goes away, but it does change form in time.  I've lost so many but losing my husband was the hardest, followed by my dog, Arlie recently.  Sometimes I've cried out, "Can't I keep anything?!!"  It feels that way.  I know loss is unfair, I was happy with my life as it was...too many of us wishing "if only."

[rann91]

Garysgirl - Thank you for posting this thread.  I read through it and the support you've received from others.  I lost my husband to a sudden heart attack.  He was only 58 (1 week until he was going to be 59).  I am 10 years younger and I've an 11 year old boy and 18 year old girl.  To hear your story and the others where I am not the only one feeling these things.  Not the only one in this type of a situation.  Like you said seems too young to be a widow.   Anyway - thank you for posting this thread and giving me a place to start reading and interacting.  

[jwahlquist]

1 minute ago, rann91 said:

Garysgirl - Thank you for posting this thread.  I read through it and the support you've received from others.  I lost my husband to a sudden heart attack.  He was only 58 (1 week until he was going to be 59).  I am 10 years younger and I've an 11 year old boy and 18 year old girl.  To hear your story and the others where I am not the only one feeling these things.  Not the only one in this type of a situation.  Like you said seems too young to be a widow.   Anyway - thank you for posting this thread and giving me a place to start reading and interacting.  

Hi.   I am sorry for your loss.   I lost my husband unexpectedly 2 months ago due to complications from influenza and strep.   He was only 48 and I am only 42.   I have an 11 year old daughter.   So you are indeed in the company of people who “get it”.   

[KayC]

@rann91  I'm sorry you are also going through this...my husband had just had his 51st birthday when he died, I was 52. We'd planned to grow old together, even bought the porch swing, although we thought it was years away.  Now I'm growing old w/o him.  Not a part of our plans!

 

[Missy1]

@rann91 sorry for your

loss, start a thread, this is good place, with good people. We have all been thru it and walk together, trying to find our way. People here are kind, they do not judge and you can speak freely!

[garysgirl]

thank you for all the sweet words. Ill.probably delete this thread start over

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, garysgirl said:

thank you for all the sweet words. Ill.probably delete this thread start over

I'm so glad you've decided to stay.  I can't put into words how much the members here have helped and continue to give me comfort.  There are times, not as often now, when I just don't know how I can possibly make it even one more day.  Then I come here and realize I can, no matter how hard and painful and upsetting it is.  I'll make it through today and then take tomorrow as it comes.

((Hugs))