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8 reasons your grief feels worse now. (WYG)


KayC

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8 Reasons Your Grief Feels Worse Right Now

grief-worse-right-now-FI.jpg

Over the last couple of weeks, we have been flooded with emails, comments, and DMs from people sharing that in this current crisis their grief feels worse. The list of reasons is long and the list of accompanying questions is even longer.

So, above all else, let’s start with the one thing we can assure you: if your grief feels worse right now, you are not alone! There are a lot of reasons it is totally normal that a crisis can make grief feel worse.

  • Your bandwidth was already low. Grief can take everything you have, especially in the earliest days. When a crisis hits and you are already depleted, all of a sudden everything becomes more challenging. Things you could have managed before your loss feel insurmountable now. Aspects of your grief that you were managing before the stress or crisis suddenly seem seven times as tricky to manage. 
  • The person who died was your ROCK. You might be grieving a person who took care of you. Maybe it is the person who handled practicalities and logistics. Perhaps who checked in on you to make sure you were okay. It could have been the person who made you feel safe. If this is your situation, you’re likely feeling even more acutely aware of their absence than ever. With that, your anxiety might be spiking. 
    the-rock-crisis-grief-2.jpg
  • You’re feeling especially alone. Grief is almost always an insolating experience. Layer on that quarantine and your feelings of loneliness might be skyrocketing. If you are living alone after your loss, no longer having contact with people by getting out of the house can start to feel like a crushing weight (especially for those extroverts out there).
  • You’re acutely aware that you’re living through this thing your loved one probably never could have imagined. Hmmm . . . that’s clearly a weird one to sum up. But if you get it, you get it. This is a scary and surreal time. Most of us have not lived through anything like this. And there is just this weird thing in grief that happens at moments like this when you realize the world feels fundamentally changed and it is a world your loved one never lived in. It makes us strangely more aware of the passage of time and that the world keeps turning.
 
  • You’re not thinking about your loved one because of the current crisis. In our emails and comments, we have seen a couple of themes. One is “I am thinking about my loved one all the time”. We’ll get to that. The other is “I am so overwhelmed by the current crisis that I am barely thinking of my loved one or my grief”. The latter seems to be bringing up a lot of guilt for some people. We won’t tell you not to feel guilty, because that’s not how guilt works. We will tell you that it is totally normal if your brain doesn’t seem to be making space for your grief. Our brains can only handle so much and sometimes, in a self-protective way, they start triaging. They compartmentalize things for us, so we can focus on a pressing matter at hand. If this keeps up long term, it is something worth spending some time with. But give it some time for your acute stress response from this current crisis to settle down. 
    crisis-grief.jpg
  • You’re annoyed everyone is complaining about stuff your grief has had you coping with for weeks/months/years. Are your friends suddenly complaining about isolation, overwhelm, and feelings of uncertainty about the future?  Does it sound a lot like what you’ve been coping with for a long time? Are these things your friends haven’t historically been sympathetic about? Hopefully this isn’t coming up for you, but we have heard loud and clear that it is coming up for some people. It isn’t that you don’t empathize with your friends. Quite the opposite, in fact. You empathize deeply. It might just feel a little annoying that it took something like this for them to empathize with you.
    crisis-grief-meme-3-scaled.jpg
  • You’re thinking about your loved one. A lot. Research has shown that we don’t just want and miss our loved ones during the good times. We actually really want and miss them in bad times. In times of pain, stress, crisis, and indecision, we often think of and want to be close to the person who died. We imagine what they would have said or done. We find strength in things they taught us. It is actually something that most people find helpful and comforting. But that doesn’t change that it can also bring up tough, bittersweet feelings. 
  • You’re imaging that everything would just be better if they were still here. Don’t get me wrong, we do this all the time in grief. But we ESPECIALLY do it when the going gets tough. When life is hard, we often go back to the moment our loved one died and we think, “if only they were still here, everything would be so much better”. Now, they would be alive, so that would obviously be better. Even if you were trapped at home fighting. Even if it was the same old boring day-to-day. They would be here, so that would mean a whole lot. But the extension that EVERYTHING would be better or easier . . . that’s a different proposition.
     

    No doubt having them around would make your baseline better – you wouldn’t be coping with grief and this crisis. But as for the rest, we really have no way to know what sort of “different” it would be. In philosophy and psychology, they call this counterfactual thinking – constructing a whole, imaginary reality around things that didn’t actually happen. We imagine a world if things had gone differently. It might seem harmless enough, but if we’re not aware of it, it can double-down our grief emotions. Why? Because now, instead of just coping with the stress of this crisis and desperately missing the person who died, we’re also bitter or resentful or grieving this idea of what would have been. I know, this one is a little abstract. But if you’ve felt it, you probably know what I mean.

FOUND HERE:
https://whatsyourgrief.com/crisis-grief-feels-worse/  Other articles listed there as well...

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Hi, garysgirl, welcome here.  Whatever your loss, I'm sorry...I hope you'll start a thread here and share a bit with us when you are ready.

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Thanks for posting this.   All of this resonates with me.   I get stuck in a loop of thinking like the last part.  I drive myself crazy with would have’s, should have’s, & could have’s.   I definitely feel like no one gets how hard this is on those of us that already were suffering from feeling isolated.  We would have weathered this storm together and enjoyed the extra time together.   Knowing this makes it all that much harder to be alone.   

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I don't get too sucked in the whole COVID crisis now, but I'm having more and more bad days too that paralyse me in bed. I don't think about the virus that much, but I think about him all the time.

But it's true, I get so annoyed of everyone's complaining that it's like the end of the world they're isolated. I try to empathize, but hearing a friend go on an hour per day about how she will not survive being isolated and how she lives alone she'll have no one, I just lost patience. Exactly like the text KayC posted, I felt like "what do you think my life has been like in the past year?"

And I catch myself thinking, "If he's here, he'll make everything better or go away". Silly, I know...

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Dazed&Confused

Thank you for posting this. I wondered if I was losing my mind. Some days now all I seem to do is cry and want the good ol' days back. I miss her so much there aren't words that express it. I mowed the yard for the first time this year on Sunday. She always told me how nice it looked when I was done. :( God help me.

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Imagine her telling you that now...she would if she could.

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This article 100%. I miss my ROCK, he was such an optimist, had a great sense of humor through hard times that kept me laughing, a maker, builder, fixer genius who could handle things calm under pressure, very capable. I felt safe with him. We were independent DIYers. As a team we were unstoppable. I imagine how our life would be better, he would be retiring this year and we could finally move to our country house. I mourn what could have been. I say "you should be here" and feel in my soul its wrong that he is not, its not what was meant to be. At times angry he is not and I have to go through all this life alone. Angry that God allows this suffering. To give me exactly the man I need and want but then go and take him from me. And the worlds suffering right now, my feelings multiplied with each new death. Yes and resentment for people grieving their isolation or way of life when they still have their spouse. I have my "bitch companion", grief.  I miss being held, a hug, that loving touch. Its such an overwhelming jumble of emotions. The isolation and strangeness of the world, i feel more alone than ever.

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1 hour ago, ccoflove said:

I have my "bitch companion", grief.

This brought me a smile...I understand.  It seems this imposed "isolation" has brought a greater divide between me, who is completely alone, and my married friends, who are NOT alone, just not able to go do whatever they want!  Welcome to my world everyday...wait, no, it's STILL not "welcome to my world" as they STILL have their spouse!  I would gladly trade places with them!  And to have to hear their complaints, well it's more than I can bear right now!

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THANKYOU for the posts . I lost my Significant other , 3 weeks ago . I thought I was the only one who was experiencing the things that were shared here. I endured a lot of the same , you got to get out  more , I just want to lie in bed and cry , and most of the time I do just that. I have a ton of clothes to wash , I haven’t cooked since he past , mostly boost or a sandwich. I feel so alone , and I talk to myself now , what purpose does this service , all the horrible things in this world going on , WHY  , in our little world , he had to go. Like a few of you stated I am completely alone. I can’t imagine the holidays coming , we had plans ,like most of you , gone . He was my rock too . I felt safe , secure , loved  , now with everything else going on all I think of is him. Holding my hand saying you,ll be alright , I’m crying , answered , no I won’t , you won’t be there. He said .’keep going ,, to what ? He was my world,  my life , my love . Nothing matters now  to me , I can hardly sleep at nite , the pain at times unbearable , sometimes I think , I won’t survive  this , it’s too much to bare alone. One day bleeds into another, I forget what day it is . I feel cheated , the man I wanted to spend my life till the end was taken from me , it’s cruel , that’s the truth , what good can come from this . I  a shell of a person now , I just want him here now . 

 

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@DJB I am so sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing in the world.  We ARE cheated, nothing fair about any of this.  I want to welcome you here and hope you'll continue to come and read/post, it helps. 
 

11 hours ago, DJB said:

I thought I was the only one who was experiencing the things that were shared here.

You are not alone in your feelings and what you are experiencing.  Everything you are speaking of is common in early grief.

https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/9038-tips-for-handling-the-holidays/

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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THANKYOU so much , I’m dehydrated from crying all the time , I forget to even drink . I’m so alone , neighbors don’t even look at me when I get the Mail ...hurts so much ....I feel like I could die from this pain , very scary ..THANKYOU for responding , I wish we all lived closer , it would be comforting I think . 

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Oh yes, this post is so true.  I used to think being home with my husband was the safe place, the place of comfort.  It doesn't feel that way right now.  It is just lonely.  To be honest right now I would feel lonely in a crowd, I nor lonely for people I am lonely for him.

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I’m so tired and not paying attention , I broke a vase , cut my finger, it was t big , but deep , bled enough  all over my cloths , , it’s ok , just painful . I can’t function , I brought dirty clothes  down to laundry room finally ...there  still sitting in there. I can’t put into words how I feel , this is horrible , , it was a month yesterday, .i can’t think , I can’t concentrate. . I wish I could crawl in a hole and hide .

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DJB, 

I am so sorry for your loss.   

You are in the most difficult time of this grief journey, when the pain is so raw and debilitating. I had no idea that grief could cause such extreme physical pain. There were several times I thought I was actually going to die from the pain. 

At these times, all you can do is focus on breathing and getting through this moment. When the grip of grief loosens a little you can focus on a little more, wash your face, drink a cup of tea. Little steps. 

For the next several months, one day at a time, is a good mantra.

Looking into the future can be too overwhelming, so many uncertainties make the future a jumble of frightening possibilities. It's best to just focus on what needs to be done today, feed the cat, rewash the wet clothes that got left in the machine for too many days, bring the garbage bins back from the curb. 

The things that need to be done today are much more concrete and doable. 

Sending you strength to just keep breathing until you are able to take some small steps forward. 

Come here to vent, cry, seek comfort as need be.  We understand. We are on this unbearable journey too. 

Gail

 

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@DJB  I just posted about grief brain fog elsewhere...it's common to have a hard time focusing in early grief, hard to do ANYTHING!  Hang in there, it'll lift little by little eventually.  I don't think I was ever the same perfect employee after George's death as prior to, my brain lost some of it's focus, but it did improve following the early grief.  Your entire body and mind is trying to process all of this, and it's the hardest task of it's life!  Gail gave you good advice, keep breathing, come here & vent, and my mantra:  ONE DAY AT A TIME!  Sometimes broken down into one hour or one minute, whatever you can handle.  

(((hugs)))

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I too, relate to the feelings of such intense sorrow that it actually causes physical pain. I am only at 2 1/2 weeks after my husband's passing so I don't have any words of wisdom like the others, but wanted you know I too, am going through the same thing as you. 

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I don’t know if  I’m  posting in the right place , I apologize, I’m crying so hard ., can’t hardly see .  My paul and I were going to be married . Both of us had hard , horrible , pasts. We were to together 3 yrs , we lived together not even one yr , and cancer, struck him , and after more time in hospital than out , he passes 9/21/ 2020. I wanted to trade places because I knew  the horrific suffering Id go through .without him .I’m alone , I have 2 dogs who miss him and also pick up my stress . I feel like Im  going backwards ,, maybe it’s starting to sink in  ..he’s not coming back. I’m destroyed , I can’t concentrate ,  I exist on boost , sandwich , I try to eat no appetite.I feel so scared, I won’t get past this., I can’t even think of the holidays ..I’m  so tired , but yet I can sleep. I can’t function , my house is a mess , went out with a dear friend who drove me to restaurant , since I have a vision issue  that’s all I have been out .. He was not only my life ,, but my eyes  too . I have perception issues , from 2 detached retina . I can’t think ahead , we had plans , now nothing .I’m all but forgotten , no calls , no neighbor visits . Paul was my world , my rock , everything and anything I needed he did . We were so happy , now I’m so sad . Days drag on , half the time,  I don’t no what day it is . I look outside I see the couples coming and going , and it breaks my heart alone again. The simplest things , trigger a horrific wave of crying . Which leaves me exhausted, and  I can’t seem to get  rested . The things I have to do in the house ,I just put off , it’s like what’s the point , it’s only me. Horrible feeling .and body experience this behavior that encompasses grief . I actually think I won’t survive this , the physical and mental torture . I sincerely hope everyone gets some relief . Thanks for listening .

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@DJB I am so sorry for what you are going through! I’ve been there and feel your pain. I used to scream and cry out loud in the first few of months after my love was gone, why, why, why! It gets easier after a while, I don’t feel so lonely anymore because I have his favorite things all around me, try to keep his spirit alive by talking about him with whoever will listen, thinking about what he would say or do in this or that situation. I tell myself that I am living now for him as well, taking care of the fig tree and the orange tree he planted, being now best buddies with our cat whom my husband cared so much for that he called from the hospital and left a voice mail on our home phone for our cat while we were both away. I hope you find some solace in the thought that he wouldn’t want you to suffer and be in pain so much as to not be able to function. Think about what he would say if he saw you in so much pain, I am sure he would like you to take care of yourself and find little things to feel good about. Please come back here when you feel lonely, we are here and we understand. (((hugs)))


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

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@DJB. I'm so sorry you're going through this...it's the hardest loss I've ever faced and I've felt a lot of the things you're feeling now.  I'm no expert on how to get through it, as my husband has only been gone 3 months, but it helps me to come here when I feel sad and lost, uncertain how to go on, because everyone here "gets it" and sometimes an understanding ear is what we need most of all.  Journaling, writing down what you're going through or even writing letters to your loved one,   can be a help too.  Unfortunately my sister found her husband dead of a heart attack almost two months to the day after my husband's passing, so we are leaning on each other to get through each day now so I am not on here as much, but I saw your post and just wanted to send you a hug and let you know I'll be praying for you.  

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THANKYOU so much , I love  and appreciate your  kind words and advice . It is so  hard when your alone , I love my dogs , there all I have now . People have there own lives to live , but it seems  when everything is over with the funeral , everybody goes home to there loved ones , and everything else is forgotten . It is comforting to come here , and be able to cry , talk , and tell people who no this pain and sincerely get it ..so to speak . I dread these holidays I  brought out some thanksgiving things , and I thought why, no one will see them , especially him . He loved decorating with me , our own little little corner of the world . It was heaven to us . He made every day a holiday ,  just to sit and watch tv , or listen  to music ..we were so happy. . I’m trying so hard not to be bitter , but I am ,  ashamed to say . I feel cheated out of everything , and such a short time , I felt safe , secure with him , not  alone and scared again ,as I was before , he came into my life. . Now it feels like a bad nitemare , and I just want him to come home.. . ❤️To all .

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@DJBIt feels like a nightmare to me too, like it can't possibly be real. I'd give anything to have David back, even for just one more day.  I have two daughters but they're grown and gone, so my two dogs are all I have at home with me too.  Thank goodness for them, because this house would be unbearably quiet if they weren't here with all of their shenanigans.  David always had the tv on but I rarely do...I always liked to read instead but I've got a bad case of "widow's brain" and am having trouble concentrating for long.  It's a little better than at first, but a book I would've finished in 5 days before now takes me over a month!

I too am dreading the holidays.  I know it will be hard and I wish we could skip them this year altogether, to be honest.  I guess all of us going through it for the first time will just have to lean on each other for support and somehow we'll get through it.  Talking to people on here, or even just reading posts and knowing I wasn't alone in my grief, has helped me through some of the hardest days of my life.  I'm glad you're here. ❤

 

 

 

 

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On 11/9/2020 at 12:59 PM, DJB said:

I don’t know if  I’m  posting in the right place

You are posting just fine, anywhere is fine.  We want to be here for you, listen, understand, care.  We "get it."  I am just so sorry you are going through it. 

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