PTSD from her death, and can't function

[lmayer7491]

I lost my girlfriend 3 weeks ago to an accidental overdose. We were having the worst fight of our relationship and had been fighting for a week. Her last actual words to me were words of anger and hurt, and the last time I saw her alive she was scowling at me. I left with our kids for a few hours and we started to make up on text. I thought I was coming home to fall into her arms, finally, but instead I came home and found her dead on our porch. I did CPR forever and ever but when EMS finally got there all they did was call it. I lost the love of my life, all our plans, all our happiness, gone in an instant, and she hadn't even told me she loved me the day she died, but said horrible things to me instead. I don't know how to go on without her, she's in every corner of this house but she's gone forever. My grief counselor says I have PTSD, and the anxiety of just trying to live without her knocks the wind out of me. I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow and my anxiety has gone sky-high. I am a nurse, so was she, we wore the same uniform and got ready for work together. All my training as a nurse and the only person I was ever desperate to save, I couldn't, how can I go back and do that for others? How can I do anything without her? She was the most amazing nurse, I know that everything there is going to remind me of her. But I have to work, our kids need me to work, and everyone says it will be a distraction. I had almost gotten off the xanax I was prescribed but I'm needing so much today. I just know I'm going to fall apart--that's life anymore without her, me, in pieces, in tears, and her gone.

[Missy1]

I am very sorry for your loss, you are not alone. Your circumstances are very painful for me, I cried as I read your post. I also was told I have PTSD and depression. My husband and I were having an argument 7 weeks ago, after I got home from work he had been looking for a job and I came home and he had been drinking and I got angry at him I turned around and I was making dinner all the while he was yelling at me  I was yelling at him. I said some very hateful things to him  and without a word he turned around went to the bedroom and got his 9mm walked  to the backyard, my back is to all this,still making dinner, he killed him self I never expected it. He did it quickly and without any signs or words, I thought he was out back watering.  I found him gasping for air, blood every where I still see it when I look at the back yard. We had a great marriage and loved each other deeply, soulmates who had weathered many storms together, married 26 years! He was heathy and only 58 years old. I feel that he had a total mental breakdown and was out of his head, add the alcohol and depression. I am emotionally  shredded and destroyed mentally. 

I don’t think humans are equipped to handle this kind of event. I am still feeling very sketchy about my ability to go on in this life without him.  I hope you have good support, you said you had kids, so many lives impacted, forever changed. 

 

[lmayer7491]

I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine losing your love to suicide, but I agree that I don't feel equipped to deal with this agonizing pain, especially being there as you lost him. Truly the only thing that got me through the first few days was thoughts of killing myself and joining her, the pain was so intense it even overshadowed my need to be there for my children. But I went to the place on the porch where she died and spoke to her, and told her my plan, and said, I didn't save you baby but if I'm not going to get to you when I do this and we're not going to be together, you have to tell me, you have to save me. And she did, the next morning the second I woke up the woman on tv was literally saying, keep your head up, you can do this. And I knew that was her, telling me I was going to have to make it through this pain and survive without her, somehow. It feels impossible, and like agony, but they keep saying it will get easier. Literally everything reminds me of her, I cried at the gas station today where we usually got our gas. I had to put the pictures of her away and try not to think about her, and that's the only way I'm getting through the day. That's why I'm so worried about work, she's going to be everywhere. And I'm going to have to hold it together, and I dont think I can. 

[Missy1]

What  a beautiful message she was able to get to you. They are always with us. I can’t imagine being a nurse, having to care for others at this time, you are quite amazing!
Sounds like she loved you very much and knew she left the kids in good hands. 
We all go through rough patches, we married for 26 years and knew my husband for 30 years we went through the roughest of patches!  I am learning there’s so much more that we don’t know, and it’s not anyones fault. We love and do as much as we can, we are just humans, with many flaws, we do the best we can.

[KayC]

On 3/24/2020 at 9:05 AM, lmayer7491 said:

ll my training as a nurse and the only person I was ever desperate to save, I couldn't, how can I go back and do that for others?

I am so sorry for your loss, it is great, not only her but all your hopes/dreams.  You couldn't save her, she was gone....there is that point where they're too far gone. You are not responsible for her death.  I like Missy's response (she's been through it), it's not anyone's fault.  Laying blame on them or ourselves does no good...she was in a bad place and didn't feel she could handle it.  That's why it's so good for us to hang in there when our lives feel too much for us, give it time to come through this.  All the more so for your children.

I hope you'll see the doctor for help with the anxiety/sleep, it's very hard to weather on your own strength in the early grief.  I toughed it out w/o help and looking back I only made it harder on myself to do so.  

I wrote this at about ten years into my grief journey of the things I'd learned that I found helpful, I hope you'll find something that helps you today, something else in it that speaks to you on down the road as our journey continually evolves.

I also want to suggest books that help your children, I don't know their ages but they have many on Amazon and also listed here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/childrens-books-about-death/

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

 

[jwahlquist]

I am sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband due to complications from Influenza and strep 7 weeks ago.  I put my husband’s pictures away for a while too.  But then my 11 year old daughter asked if we could put them back up or if she could put them in her room because she didn’t want to forget her dad.  So we put the pictures back up in the living room area.   So I get it.  Just looking at our family pictures hurts me deeply but I am not the only one who lives here either so I have to take her feelings into account too.  I have been on Zoloft for 6 weeks and that has helped.   
 

I am sorry you are suffering from depression and PTSD.   It takes a lot to be strong for our kids and those make it so much more difficult.   I hope for your sake that when you go back to work you find a bit of peace.  

[lmayer7491]

Karen's death was an accident. She was in a bad place and a lot of pain but was not suicidal. It hurts so much to think about how we were supposed to finally be making up after such a horrible fight, and she thought she needed to do what she did to show me how hurt she was and it accidentally killed her. I tried so hard to save her, the memory of it haunts me every day. I don't understand how a person is supposed to survive this debilitating grief. It knocks the wind out of me and I can't move. I hate the nice weather because I can't help but think about what she and I should have been doing together to enjoy it. I'm just so broken. Everything is so ruined without her.

[Missy1]

I wish that you didn’t have to go through this pain. Your grief is new and your still in shock. I am going on 8 weeks I am still a hot mess. The absence of  your soulmate is crippling. I understand when you say everything is ruined...how does one see a future without the love of their life not in it?
They say that we should try to focus on what we still have and be grateful for the time we had with this beautiful sole. I am working on that, can’t seem to see beyond today yet. I wish you well, you will need all your courage and strength to survive this, reach out if you have people that can support you. 

I vent a lot here it keeps me alive each day, others do not seem to understand.

[KayC]

We can't see how we can survive this...in the beginning I didn't see how I could survive 5 minutes without him, let alone the rest of my life!  We do it by getting through today, one minute at a time.  Tomorrow we get up and do it all over again.  I don't mean to make it sound like groundhog day, it's not, believe it or not, there will be moments of happiness in your life...I can't say when for it's different for all of us, but with great effort and grief work you will get there.  But they will likely be moments, not the overall state of happiness you shared with her...at least that's how it's been with me.  When George held me, it was the best place in all the world to be...I haven't had that feeling since.  I won't until I hug him again.  I hold on for that day.  I view this life here as temporary.  I make the best of it but I'd be the first to admit, nothing is the same.

[lmayer7491]

I dread each morning. The antidepressants seem to work better for me in the evening and usually i will feel the best that I'm going to feel then (some days they don't seem to work at all). But in the mornings when I wake up, the realization hits me all over again that I'm starting yet another day without her and the thought of having to go on crushes me. I accidentally left her cup at work last Wednesday so I didn't drink any water without it and got dehydrated and Thursday was the absolute worst day since right after it happened. I had to call out of work and was panicking and vomiting all day. My birthday is Tuesday and I don't want to celebrate without her. Her birthday is 5 days after that and I don't think I am going to survive it. The only way I'm making it through the days right now is on the couch watching mindless tv while my mom handles everything at the house. She's been so wonderful and understanding, but I feel so guilty that I'm so dependent on her. I'm scared to move because so much upsets me. I did actually feel ok at work on Friday, it was the best day I had since it happened, but getting up and getting there was next to impossible. And of course I paid for that good day yesterday, it was horrible. It was just one of those days that no matter what, I couldn't stop thinking about her and the what should have beens and how happy we were and how much I miss her and how much she's going to miss and on and on, and it wouldn't stop.  I know you said this life is temporary but there's so long before I get to see her and hold her again, I don't know how to look for happiness between now and then. She was my happiness. It's gone without her.

[Missy1]

I am glad you have some support, this is a life altering event like none other, we lost our passion for life and reason for living. I feel like I died the day he died, yet my physical self continues like an empty husk. I want to just shut down and check out! I too believe that we be together again in next realm. I visit him in my dreams, it’s so real sometimes. It will be different hopefully it will beautiful to be find him again in the afterlife.
I have a hard time grasping the facts, I have to say it to myself, he is dead, he is not coming thru the door, I won’t hear his voice or see his beautiful blue eyes, hear him laugh or feel his warm hugs and kisses in this world ever again. I am wrecked beyond words and hate my life without him! But we must survive one day at a time, just breathe.  We are still one and only separated a short time, till we meet again..

[jwahlquist]

2 hours ago, lmayer7491 said:

The antidepressants seem to work better for me in the evening and usually i will feel the best that I'm going to feel then (some days they don't seem to work at all).

I know it took my doctor increasing my dose before I felt a difference that helped me get through the day.  The dose she started me on made me feel ok for a bit then not ok at all.  My emotions and overall feeling of my body was like a yo-yo.  
 

I think any celebration or holiday is going to be tough.   My husband passed away right before Valentine’s Day.  It hurt like crazy as it was my first without someone special in my life in 23 years.   I am not looking forward to anything this year not even my birthday.   I just hate that it will all be without him.   
 

It is nice that your mom can be there to help.  My parents have spent a lot of time helping me and I appreciate all of the help.   It is hard to do want to do anything so much of the time when you feel so miserable, I totally get it.  I did absolutely nothing yesterday except cook a bit of food and watch tv.  
 

 

[Missy1]

I am afraid of meds, they put my very happy husband on meds, for depression and anxiety, really he just liked to drink to much. The meds made him into someone different very quickly. He used to love and laugh, happiest man you ever met, those meds messed his head up so bad! I am so pissed I let that happen!! 

[jwahlquist]

2 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I am afraid of meds, they put my very happy husband on meds, for depression and anxiety, really he just liked to drink to much. The meds made him into someone different very quickly. He used to love and laugh, happiest man you ever met, those meds messed his head up so bad! I am so pissed I let that happen!! 

My doctor did tell me not to drink while on antidepressant/anxiety medication.   She advised against drinking anyway because alcohol can make depression worse.  
 

While I definitely don’t feel like the old me on the medication at least I am able to function.   I probably am never going to be the old me anyway.   So much of who I was and am is tied to my husband.  

[KayC]

19 hours ago, lmayer7491 said:

I dread each morning. The antidepressants seem to work better for me in the evening and usually i will feel the best that I'm going to feel then (some days they don't seem to work at all). But in the mornings when I wake up, the realization hits me all over again that I'm starting yet another day without her and the thought of having to go on crushes me. I accidentally left her cup at work last Wednesday so I didn't drink any water without it and got dehydrated and Thursday was the absolute worst day since right after it happened. I had to call out of work and was panicking and vomiting all day. My birthday is Tuesday and I don't want to celebrate without her. Her birthday is 5 days after that and I don't think I am going to survive it. The only way I'm making it through the days right now is on the couch watching mindless tv while my mom handles everything at the house. She's been so wonderful and understanding, but I feel so guilty that I'm so dependent on her. I'm scared to move because so much upsets me. I did actually feel ok at work on Friday, it was the best day I had since it happened, but getting up and getting there was next to impossible. And of course I paid for that good day yesterday, it was horrible. It was just one of those days that no matter what, I couldn't stop thinking about her and the what should have beens and how happy we were and how much I miss her and how much she's going to miss and on and on, and it wouldn't stop.  I know you said this life is temporary but there's so long before I get to see her and hold her again, I don't know how to look for happiness between now and then. She was my happiness. It's gone without her.

I hope you won't skip water again, dehydration is very dangerous and can bring on problems so quickly.  Everything you've said here is common in early grief...the intensity will lessen in time but I know how hard it is right now, it feels unbearable, we've all been there.  I learned to grasp and appreciate any good moments, no matter how fleeting they are, and try to tough out the survival mode, which was much of the time.  I've learned to live alone, learned to adjust as much as possible, it's been almost 15 years for me, the first three were the toughest as I was processing the grief.  Timelines vary with everyone, it takes what it takes.  I've learned to let it flow, not to fight it.  It's part of me now...I coexist with my grief.  I get happy moments, they are fleeting, but I appreciate them nonetheless.  I've learned to live in the present so as not to miss whatever good there is today...also not to borrow trouble unduly with worry about the "rest of my life."  I struggle more in the night time as I have anxiety and that's when we're still and thoughts come.  

I hear you about the weekends being hard, it was that way for me in the early years, now one day is as the next to me.  It's just that was always OUR time together, plus I had weekends off so didn't have work to occupy myself with.  Eventually we build new routine into our lives that helps.  They're telling us to do that even now with the quarantine...try to have set times to get up, go to bed, do things.  It's stabilizing.

You're dealing with a lot right now, my heartfelt prayers go with you.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Valerie Lockhart said:

Hello  lmayer7491,

I am sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one can create feelings of guilt, regardless of the circumstances. We will always wonder, if we could have done something different to prevent it.  Take comfort in knowing that your girlfriend, deep down inside, loved you and knew that you loved her as well. Cherish the words sent on your "make up text". The best remedy for overcoming PTSD is prayer. 

• Strength. God “refreshes and cheers” you, not by removing all your problems, but by answering your prayers when you pray for the strength to cope. (Philippians 4:13) You can be sure that he’s ready to listen to you, for the Bible says: “Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.” (Psalm 34:18) In fact, God can hear your call for help even if you can’t put your feelings into words.—Romans 8:26, 27.

• Good examples. One Bible writer prayed to God: “From the depths of my despair I call to you.” This psalmist dealt with his depression by remembering that God doesn’t burden us with guilt. Instead, he said to God: “If you kept a record of our sins, who could escape being condemned? But you forgive us, so that we should stand in awe of you.”—Psalm 130:1, 3, 4, Good News Translation.

• Hope. Besides providing comfort now, God has promised to remove all the problems that lead to depression. When he fulfills that promise, “the former things [including depression] will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart.”—Isaiah 65:17.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Remember, that no appointment, medical insurance or co-pays is needed to talk to God.You can pour out your heart at any time of the day, and He is always available to listen. "Draw close to God, and He will draw close to you." - James 4:8

Just a comment here.  I am a Christian too but I want to point out that while a scripture here or there can be comforting or helpful, preaching or proselytizing seems inappropriate on a grief forum, almost like taking advantage of people in their hardest hour.  This person came here to a group that would "get it" and understand what he's going through...you have not lost a spouse and yet you are over here preaching to others who have?  Losing one relationship does not equate with another, grief is a unique journey yet some similarities also.  Losing parents, grandparents, sister, friends, pets, cousin, niece, nephew were in no way the same as losing my husband...he was part of my everyday life, my greatest fan and supporter, the person I shared all of life with, said good morning too, the person I loved cooking for, the person that worked hard to provide medical insurance for me, the one who did whatever he could around the place so we'd be freed up to spend our weekends enjoying each other's company.  The person I spent holidays with, that called me on all his breaks.  The person who noticed I made it home at night and cared.  You can't know what that's like unless you've been through it.  My sisters love me, but they still don't get it...even during this coronavirus time, I am home alone while they are with their spouses.  It's a unique loss.

[lmayer7491]

I appreciate anything that anyone wants to suggest to help, but it is true that this is a unique loss. She was the one person I could spend every second of the day with and would still miss when she went to the kitchen to get a drink. I shared everything with her because I wanted to and now she is just gone. I have other people to talk to but it isn't  the same. She was more than my best friend, my love, my partner. I tried talking to my sister's priest a couple times but he just kept calling her my friend. I understand that the church has a hard time with gay relationships, and he was still trying to help me through my pain, but if he couldn't understand what she meant to me, then he couldn't help me. I've tried praying, sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't, just like anything else. I wanted to take care of her for the rest of my life, I wanted to sit with her on our porch and share every sunset, and make her milkshakes, and hold her hand in the car.  I don't have that anymore. I had it one second and one second it was gone. I have a hard time feeling any comfort after losing that.

[jwahlquist]

1 hour ago, lmayer7491 said:

but if he couldn't understand what she meant to me, then he couldn't help me

I have found that to be true of most people I talk to that ask how I am doing.   Aside from here no one gets how I feel or what I am going through.  The times I have been honest with people about how I was feeling I have been terribly disappointed in how they respond.  It seems like they just want to hear me say “ok” so they can say “good” and move on with their day.   
 

I think part of the problem with people telling others to pray and talk to god is that is making the assumption that everyone has the same religious beliefs.   Not everyone believes the same thing.  For that matter not every religious faction believes the same thing.    

[KayC]

Valerie has used this forum as a platform to proselytize here before, I just feel protective of anyone new here that is early in their grief.  It shakes us to our core.  Of course you felt the same with her as we all did with our partners, we had what some never have experienced...we were the lucky ones, until they were ripped from us, but sometimes I feel like still I am lucky because for the rest of my life I know I'm loved.  Even though the pain of missing him is hard to bear.

[Missy1]

On 3/24/2020 at 4:21 PM, lmayer7491 said:

, keep your head up, you can do this.

This is beautiful, try to focus on this message of strength. Try to focus on best of times, draw strength and find your purpose. It’s a lot I am struggle every day, walking the line of life and death. 

[lmayer7491]

Yesterday was my birthday, and it was so hard because she wasn't there, and she won't ever be again and I couldn't not keep returning to that fact in my mind. I spent the day on the couch trying not to think about it and my family came in the evening to have supper with me, even though celebrating was the last thing I felt like doing. My mom dragged me off the couch and we all went out to the garage to chat while she smoked a cigarette and just one minute after I stepped out there, the most perfect rainbow appeared in the sky. I saw it first and thought about my beautiful lost love, and then my sister saw it and said it was a happy birthday sent from heaven, and not to cry because that was her, it wasn't even the right part of the sky for a rainbow, and it disappeared almost as quickly as it appeared. I cried anyway.

[Missy1]

I can’t imagine how hard it was, I dread our first Birthday’s we never ever spent them apart. They are with us, we get signs, I love that she sent you a happy birthday rainbow from heaven! 

[KayC]

That is so beautiful and I believe she sent it for you to see and be reassured she still loves/thinks of you.  All the more reason to feel it was a gift is that it wasn't in a usual place for a rainbow, it was meant for YOU to see and then gone.

Even though you didn't feel like celebrating your birthday, I'm glad you had family remember you as my first birthday w/o George I cried myself to sleep, not one person remembered to wish me a happy birthday...disparity with when George was alive, he always made a big deal of it.

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, lmayer7491 said:

I cried anyway.

Of course you did.  I believe in signs and am certain that the beautiful, if fleeting, rainbow at just that moment was a sign from your love.  It's wonderful that your sister understands and can comfort you that way, even if she can't quite grasp why you can't help but cry.

I'm sorry you had to deal with such a difficult day so soon after.  My birthday was 3 weeks after my husband died.  I was still in such a bad place that it almost didn't seem as if one day could be worse than another.  My sister was a great comfort, even at a distance.  Sending flowers isn't really a thing in our family, but she contacted a local florist and I had two arrangements.  One traditional style in my favorite colors of blues and purples.  The other in bright and more unusual flowers and plants to represent my husband, who was vibrant, colorful (in a good way), and slightly unconventional.  It really meant a lot to me and made the day tolerable.

[KayC]

foreverhis,

How sweet of your sister!  I've only had flowers once since George died and that was from my little sister about ten years ago on my birthday.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

How sweet of your sister!

It really was, especially because it's something we rarely do in our family.  And she knew that sending flowers right after my husband (her beloved BIL) died would not have been the right thing to do for me.

We've always been really close, even though she was a surprise mid-life baby for my parents.  She and my husband had a wonderful relationship, despite the age difference.  It was like uncle, big brother, and best pal all rolled into one.

She's been very protective of me during the past 18 months, especially now.  That's real roll reversal considering our age difference.  We know we're lucky to have such a good relationship.

[Missy1]

You are blessed to have her in your life.

[chincube]

@lmayer7491 Please don't feel bad to be dependent on your mom's help to get through the time now, and please don't feel bad to cry. It is all you need, and everyday you pass through, however you passed through counts. I was not able to work for a whole month, and when I did go back it was very difficult. I cannot count the days that I couldn't take care of myself, I laid in bed all day with curtains drawn, doing nothing beside having tv on for the sound. Concentrate on 1 or 2 little thing(s) each day, that's all we can do. I made it as a habit, that it could be 1 kind of small finger food to eat, or 15 minutes of walk outside.

Birthdays suck, mine was few weeks after his death. I was stuck between afraid to be alone and getting frustrated of friends not allowing and not comfortable for me to cry on my birthday. The rainbow is a "I'm here" sign I think, to tell you that she's still around even though she can't comfort you.

Keep coming, we're all here. 

@lmayer7491 Please don't feel bad to be dependent on your mom's help to get through the time now, and please don't feel bad to cry. It is all you need, and everyday you pass through, however you passed through counts. I was not able to work for a whole month, and when I did go back it was very difficult. I cannot count the days that I couldn't take care of myself, I laid in bed all day with curtains drawn, doing nothing beside having tv on for the sound. Concentrate on 1 or 2 little thing(s) each day, that's all we can do. I made it as a habit, that it could be 1 kind of small finger food to eat, or 15 minutes of walk outside.

Birthdays suck, mine was few weeks after his death. I was stuck between afraid to be alone and getting frustrated of friends not allowing and not comfortable for me to cry on my birthday. The rainbow is a "I'm here" sign I think, to tell you that she's still around even though she can't comfort you.

Keep coming, we're all here. 

[lmayer7491]

How do I deal with her birthday, which is tomorrow? It's also an anniversary of sorts, it was the first day I ever saw her outside of work, she chose to spend part of her birthday with me, I was so excited, I wasn't even sure how I felt about her yet, I just knew I wanted to be around her and know her and was so attracted to her. I couldn't believe she wanted to see me,  but there she was. And tomorrow, there she will not be. I'm already so destroyed, I can't take anymore.

[KayC]

I found this article that has some suggestions...

https://whatsyourgrief.com/deceased-loved-ones-birthday/

Will be thinking of you tomorrow, I know it's hard.

[lmayer7491]

I was exposed to covid at work, I'm quarantined for two weeks and no one can come near me. My mom has decided to go back and forth between my house and my ex's to help with my 4-year-old, so she's been gone for 2 days. Today is the 4-year-old's birthday and I can't see her. Everyone in my family is there and I am so alone here. Karen would have stayed here with me, she would have never left me alone, no matter whose birthday it was,  or what I was exposed to. I've never felt so alone in my life, or missed her so much. It's one of those days that I just feel like giving up. I've been having some better days but overall things really feel like they're getting worse instead of better. I don't know how people get through this loss, this crushing pain and anxiety without her never lets up, unless I numb it a little with xanax. But who wants to be hooked on benzos? We found a house we might put an offer in on, which should be a happy and exciting time, but it's not, it's just running from this house full of memories and dreading going through her things. When do things get easier instead of harder? When do her memories give me comfort instead of rebreaking my heart? When will I feel like I want to go on even though she's gone? It feels like never.

[Missy1]

@Imayer7491  That is so terrible, I hope your okay and you don’t get sick! I also miss that feeling of being loved, cared for knowing we had each other’s backs no matter what!

I would have stayed with him if he was quarantined to, absolutely. I would give my life for him.
I think it will hurt forever, they say we have to slowly learn and adapt. Life continues for the rest of the world, We will have to try to carry the grief and the love we we were so lucky to have, with us. It’s never going to be the same.

I feel so out of place, many of us did everything with our sweethearts, being solo is new and sometimes awkward and depressing.
 

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I would have stayed with him if he was quarantined to, absolutely. I would give my life for him.

Over the past 2 months, I've wondered from time to time how on earth we would have handled it if my love was fighting his cancer now, not 2 years ago. 

We could barely stand to be separated when we were well, so I can't begin to fathom what it would have been like if the doctors tried to kick me out when he was in the hospital or rehab.  I honestly believe he would have died sooner if I hadn't been there with him.  He would have just given up.  And I would have gone even crazier being kept from him.

When I asked/prayed for me to take his place, I meant it.  I would have taken his pain and fear in a heartbeat to spare him.  Not many people truly understand that we are serious when we say we'd give our lives to save our soulmates.

[jwahlquist]

@lmayer7491

I am sorry that you are now having even more issues.  Being alone sucks anyway but having to miss important events sucks even more.  
 

I haven’t been able to go through my husband’s things except to gift a few things here and there that family or close friends would appreciate.  I am torn on moving honestly.  We have 10 acres which is a lot to manage on my own.  But my daughter doesn’t want to switch school districts so I am pretty limited on area and available properties.  I have sort of come to the conclusion that staying where I am is probably going to be the most practical route.   Emotionally hard though to say the least.  
 

[KayC]

@lmayer7491  I am so sorry!  I pray you don't come down with it.  You're right and George and I never would have left each other alone either, we went through everything together, we cared about each other more than life itself!

I am so sorry you are missing your daughter's birthday.  Can you videochat?  I know it's not the same.  

If you do have to move, maybe you could box up her things and store in the garage or attic until you feel up to going through them, little by little.  It'd be hard to have a deadline to have to do it all at once.  One word of caution, have someone supportive with you when you do attempt it.  I had to clean out my husband's trailer (he stayed near his job because it was so far away and he kept having accidents), it seems we'd just outfitted it and it was time to dismantle everything.  You could hear my wailing clear down the street!  I would never again attempt anything like that w/o someone close to me there with me.