Resurrection of old thread on comparing losses

[KayC]

I ran across my old post when I was not quite nine months out on my journey.  It brought back that time...

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Posted March 14, 2006

Thank you, each of you, who have written on this subject. It is touchy only because it is very emotional to each of us, regardless of what our loss is. However, when my brother-in-law told me he knew how I felt because he'd lost his parakeet a year ago...and then went on to say it'd been gone for two days (he didn't even lose it!)...I had a real hard time with that one. Now I know he was just trying to relate and he hasn't been through the loss of a spouse and can't possibly realize what he's saying, but...

With me, loss of a mother could never come close to the loss of my husband...my mother is nuts and she was extremely abusive when I was growing up, so I'm not sure how I'll feel when I lose her. So I can't begin to know what someone suffers who had a great mother that they were very close to. Yet I've also met people who lost a spouse that was nothing but a pain the whole time they were alive and they can't begin to understand what I'm going through because my husband and I loved each other with the greatest love known to man! So whatever your loss is, it's hard to deal with. However, I think I know what you meant, because the loss of your spouse is not only a huge loss but it encompasses every aspect of your life, while other losses may not affect some of those areas...for instance, your identity, your sexualilty, your marital status, your finances, your security, your reliance (they undoubtedly did half the work around your place, including some things you may feel ill-equipped to take over). They may be the person in your life that shared the child-rearing with you and best knew and understood you as a parent. They are the person you shared holidays with. You signed Christmas cards with that person, shared a checking account, assets, property. You slept with that person, night after night. You said good morning to that person when you awoke and kissed goodnight when you went to sleep. I don't know any other role in life so encompassing as this! It is not meant to compare, only to accept that the loss is tremendous and all encompassing.

 

[MODArtemis2019]

I don't compare my losses to someone else's - it would be like comparing a physical pain I have to someone else's pain. Pan is subjective and can't be readily compared that way.  

But I do compare my own losses to each other..

I have lost my mother and father, grandparents, aunts and uncles and many beloved pets, who were family to me. 

But.

Losing my husband was like losing one half of my life. 

Like every loss I ever suffered was rolled into one giant tsunami of trauma.  

On 3/20/2020 at 11:50 AM, KayC said:

I don't know any other role in life so encompassing as this! It is not meant to compare, only to accept that the loss is tremendous and all encompassing.

All encompassing, yes. 

[Missy1]

I can see now that there are many factors in this grief and loss Journey. Each loss is life altering and inevitable, we are all going to die, the survivors are ones who are left crippled and torn. I guess I was enjoying life and thought that we were not going to have to worry about our deaths for quite some time. Then death that comes out of no where and takes away a chunk of your soul.