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Missy1

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KayC

I left at 7 am yesterday when it got dark, but didn't see any Kefir.  They were out of most cheese.  I can have dairy, I have egg intolerance but eat it anyway, there's little I can have for breakfast but learned a different way to make waffles using Mozzarella (which I couldn't get), peanut butter, eggs, vanilla, cinnamon.  Tastes just like regular waffles but as it's high in protein it carries you w/o the sugar spikes.  I wore disposable gloves, wiped the cart down w/antiseptic wipes and was the only one doing so.  There was tons of stuff in the aisles, forcing us close proximity to go around each other, not good practices!  I'd been told they were stocking at night, well apparently not only at night.  Yet when I went to check out they made us stand back 20' (not exaggerating) from the person who was bagging his groceries and we couldn't put our stuff on the table until he was gone.  Seemed overkill since meanwhile we're in line, not much space in between each other. Got a very snippy grouchy clerk, I'm sure they're tired, worried, overworked, but no call to run off customers.  Shopped there for 38 years! Can't call and talk to anyone about their practices as they no longer answer the phone and their customer service is shut down.  Anyway, glad yesterday is behind me.

I wish the local hospital practiced what yours does.  That is likely how he got it, he's been in/out of hospitals lately.

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foreverhis
3 hours ago, KayC said:

I wish the local hospital practiced what yours does.  That is likely how he got it, he's been in/out of hospitals lately.

Indeed.  Hospitals are where so many cases originate.  Even hospitals that are careful with their sterilizations, etc. are prone to them.  Our small local hospital has rooms set aside specifically for patients with that and other nasties.  The digital patient display also has a color-coded column so nurses and doctors can see immediately if a patient has or is being tested for C-diff, MRSA, etc.  Damn it, I wish I didn't know so much about this because the reason I learned was my husband was in and out of the hospital for 4 months before he died.

Apparently, C-diff is one of the bacteria that usually live in our intestines, but are kept in check by all the good bugs.  As we know, being on strong antibiotics, especially IV, tends to kill the good guys, leaving the bad guys to take over.  Once the C-diff gets in there, it's hard to eradicate and can mean months of treatment with one of the antibiotics that can kill it, leaving patients susceptible to other things.  What a vicious circle!

Our hospital was doing what many/most? do and including probiotic capsules for antibiotic patients, but it wasn't helping that much. Their infectious disease department did some research and determined that the difference with kefir, even over regular high-probiotic yogurt, is that the kefir goes in and literally coats the stomach and intestines with the good bacteria, given them time to multiply and start to surpress the bad guys, including C-diff.

I'm sorry you couldn't find any kefir on your shopping expedition.  Maybe next time, when some people have regained a bit of sanity, you will.

Yes, I cannot understand the notion that it's okay to be toe to toe trying to get around in aisles when we're supposed to be distanced all the time.  I went to our local Whole Foods "senior" hour last week as my last shopping for 2 weeks, I hope.  They were maintaining clear aisles, minimizing customers in, not allowing any sort of line crowding, and being really diligent with sanitation.  Even so, I was glad to get some fresh produce and a couple of other things and get out.  Not of course that there was much on the shelves, but they were keeping the produce section well stocked.

You know that we're all praying for your health, Kay.  Please let us know how you are.  Stay well.

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jwahlquist

Today I am being a surrogate mom to “my niece”.  Her dad is my husband’s cousin but it is just easier to say niece rather than explain the whole 2nd cousin thing.   
 

Poor kiddo hasn’t been home in a week.  Her dad’s fiancé is a stewardess and may have potentially contracted Covid19.  So before the fiancé came home he got his daughter out of the house so she wouldn’t be at risk.   The test hasn’t come back yet so we don’t know if her dad will have to go through a 2 week waiting period too or not.  
 

She was staying with a family friend who had a very crowded and disfunctional home so she is exhausted mentally and physically.   Her mom can’t take her as she is medically fragile and so is her husband.  Ryan’s cousin asked if I would be open to having her and I said sure.  

She is an amazing 17 year old kiddo.  She came with her dad everyday my husband was in the hospital and sang to him.   I am happy to be able to give her some place safe and closer to feeling like “home”.   Of course, her boyfriend of 2 years picks today to decide to break up with her.   Poor girl was devastated.  I didn’t say all of the usual things people say when a couple breaks up like you are young or you’ll find someone better.   I just held her while she cried, asked her what she needed from me and got her some ice cream.  Losing my husband has given me a new perspective on how I deal with emotional issues like this.

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KayC
22 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'm sorry you couldn't find any kefir on your shopping expedition.  Maybe next time, when some people have regained a bit of sanity, you will.

Today is ten days since C-Diff exposure and I have no signs of it so I guess I'm over the hump and can breathe a little.  Not thinking about the two months is takes a small percentage to show up with, too much worrying.  I'll assume I'm okay.  Not like I'm seeing anyone anyway!  Took every precaution when getting groceries and working at the church, I do have to go in once a week plus once/twice when it's quarterly.  Sometimes II wish I wasn't Treasurer, this is one of those times.  I just got made moderator on my Diabetic Group too.  Don't know how I'll have time for a normal life when it does return!  Thank you for your prayers!

@jwahlquist  You are a sweetheart!  You are doing what Dr. Phil touts us to do when we go through hard places, to channel it into something positive...like the guy that lost his son and now he's heading up missing children.  He's made that his life cause.  And it's why I keep coming here and my other grief forum after all these years.  I WANT to be here for others going through it!  I know what it's like and remember like it was yesterday how I felt...and I felt so ill-equipped, as we all do when grief sweeps us off our feet..

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Missy1
18 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

She is an amazing 17 year old kiddo.  She came with her dad everyday my husband was in the hospital and sang to him.   I am happy to be able to give her some place safe and closer to feeling like “home”

What a great thing to do and it must feel good to have another person in your house to love because the one thing I feel is I don’t have anybody to love anymore. I know there’s different kinds of love but I just think that when you care for other people the more people that you care for the better it feels. 

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jwahlquist
3 hours ago, Missy1 said:

it must feel good to have another person in your house to love because the one thing I feel is I don’t have anybody to love anymore.

It does feel good to have company and people to care for.  But it doesn’t make me miss my husband any less.  If anything some times it makes everything seem so normal like before he passed away and I expect him to come home.   I think those moments are the worst.

 

11 hours ago, KayC said:

You are a sweetheart!  You are doing what Dr. Phil touts us to do when we go through hard places, to channel it into something positive.

I am trying but it so hard sometimes.  I am trying to find things that I can do for others because it is hard to do things for myself right now.  
 

I appreciate all you do here and all of your advice.   I have no idea how to keep going most days and coming here helps.  

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KayC

You're doing it...somehow.  This is tough at best but I admire anyone trying to survive this.

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Missy1

Each day I wake up I’m disappointed that I’m still here. Getting out of bed is difficult. I brace myself for another lonely day on this earth.  I guess that’s how it’s going to be I can’t imagine ever being happy again. Numb brain, learning to just carry the constant pain in my chest and ragged eyes cry throughout the day.

I still feel punished by God and angry to be left behind to tow the line! I don’t know if  I will ever not feel bitter about my life story. 

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jwahlquist
13 minutes ago, Missy1 said:

Getting out of bed is difficult. I brace myself for another lonely day on this earth.

This^^^.   I am exhausted even before I get out of bed and I am sometimes in a fog all day.   Some days are better than others but today has been especially bad.   I have been so forgetful and spacey today.  I don’t feel like me at all.  Tomorrow is a new day so hopefully I will feel better and I hope the same for you too.  

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Missy1

Sometimes the hole is too big to fill, as @KayC says you learn to live with it, be bigger than the grief someday, @jwahlquistsurvivors for another day! 

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Missy1
1 hour ago, jwahlquist said:

I have been so forgetful and spacey today.  I don’t feel like me at all.

I totally get this, I am a finance analyst, I am struggling to do my job effectively, I feel too feel spacey, much like I am in fog. I have moments I can push thru and can be functional but I nothing like I was before... thank God for this Covid crisis, seems to hide my lethargic ways and take the spotlight off me. 

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jwahlquist
1 hour ago, Missy1 said:

I have moments I can push thru and can be functional but I nothing like I was before.

Yes!   I have a day now and then where I can accomplish several things but mostly I get tired from doing just the smallest things.  I never get as much accomplished as I put on my list of to do’s.   Honestly, sometimes 3 to 4 things seem like too much most days.  
 

Hopefully, I have more energy tomorrow.  

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KayC

Feeling exhausted, no interest in anything, spacey, all of that is part of early grief.  So is being in a grief fog,  Our brains don't function like they used to. 

http://mikeunkelhaeuser.weebly.com/blog/widows-brain

https://www.refugeingrief.com/2018/04/10/grief-crazy/

http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/9845-grief-brain/ (See the post with the cracked pot)

My brain eventually returned for the most part but I know I was never quite at my optimum again, I felt it on my job.  

I relate this somewhat to being run over by a Mack truck.  We'd never expect anyone who was run over to be up and running in a few days!  Yet society and even we expect it from ourselves.

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Missy1

 I am drained, I am not adapting to to my new “hell” I was afraid of ‘this, his presence is fading. I can’t accept this, it’s all wrong...This is shitty existence, why is this my path? I have dreamt of us the last 2 nights, we talk and laugh and hug, as soon as I realize, this can’t be real, it evaporates, then I wake up.  They are with us every day...

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jwahlquist

Today I am exhausted and sad.   I have spent so much of my day crying.  I hate crying as it always gives me such a headache.  I think I am about ready to call it a night & hope that tomorrow is better.   Of course, I hoped today would be better and it definitely wasn’t. 

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Missy1

So This is it, rest of the days left on earth, to be filled with pain and emotional distress. This is the only place I can express my feelings, if I say anything negative around others they get very upset. It’s not worth it, most don’t understand.

I am a relationship with a ghost, I have to accept that he can’t come back, I will never let him go. My only comfort comes in visualizing my transition to his world some day. When I am at my worst I think about my exit, it calms me down.

Our life’s future was rudely snapped away by events we could not control. This makes me feel very dark. I was getting out and socializing with a handful of new people, it helped me, they were some ladies who lost their husbands. Now I have no where to go now like everyone else we are isolated. This just magnifies the loss and void, my  foundation has crumbled away.

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Missy1

I am considering re-homing my cats, less worry  to deal with. Start cutting down, less burden. They are the only thing that make me feel small glimmers of life sometimes. It’s a difficult decision to make, Karl Loved them so much, but I worry if something happened to me they would be orphaned.  I am torn with this decision, I love them, they are very happy  here, this is their home, it seems cruel to them. 

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jwahlquist
1 hour ago, Missy1 said:

I am considering re-homing my cats, less worry  to deal with. Start cutting down, less burden. They are the only thing that make me feel small glimmers of life sometimes. It’s a difficult decision to make, Karl Loved them so much, but I worry if something happened to me they would be orphaned.  I am torn with this decision, I love them, they are very happy  here, this is their home, it seems cruel to them. 

If your cats bring you some small amount of happiness then I say keep them with you.  If you love them and they are happy & healthy then keep them with you.   Rather than thinking of them as something to deal with instead think of them as companionship.   If it were me I would wait and see how you feel in a few more months.

 

 I know that my animals have been the only things that have helped me some days.   I have 30 chickens, a horse, 3 dogs and 5 cats.   The outside animals make me go outside and do something active.   The chickens make me laugh as they squabble over treats.   The indoor animals spend time with me without requiring any conversation.   The dogs were always my husband’s so it has been a big adjustment for them too but we are making our way through it together.   I briefly considered getting rid of all of the animals and moving into town again but I quickly realized that was just me being mad at the world.   I like the area where we live.   My daughter loves her school.  For now we will stay and see how we feel in a year or so.   The therapist said not to make any major life decisions unless I had to in the first year.
 

 

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Missy1

Thank you @jwahlquist, I know you are right. We had 8 chicken when we lived in Washington State We had property there, we moved here to AZ only 1.5 yrs ago, I miss my old home and my sweet silly chickens! 
I just feel like folding up as much as possible now... we have an acre here in AZ so yes I have drag myself outside and do chores that me cry because what’s the point?? 
Your right I too am damn MAD at the world! I am hurting and I want to lash out and stop living! 

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KayC
5 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Now I have no where to go now like everyone else we are isolated. This just magnifies the loss and void, my  foundation has crumbled away.

You might be interested in reading the article I just posted on this very subject.  (((hugs)))

2 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

If your cats bring you some small amount of happiness then I say keep them with you.

I second this.  Kodie is everything to me right now, I don't know how I'd handle this isolation if it were not for him.  We need something alive, something loving, no matter how small.  I asked my son if he'd check on my FB every day to make sure I've posted and reach out to me if I haven't...he will take in Kodie if anything happens to me.  Do you have a sibling, neighbor, friend, someone who would do the same for you?  During this threat it's esp. important since we're so cut off.

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KayC
2 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

The therapist said not to make any major life decisions unless I had to in the first year.

Smart advice and I'd extend it to three...simply because of my experience, getting remarried was a disaster and had I been in my right mind I wouldn't have.  We don't have full clarity of mind in early grief (at least I sure didn't!) and we also need to let it play itself out somewhat to see where we're at in a few years as far as adjusting or how we're doing, it can change.

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Missy1
6 hours ago, KayC said:

Do you have a sibling, neighbor, friend, someone who would do the same for you?  During this threat it's esp. important since we're so cut off.

Not really, I would leave a note or instructions to please take them or rehome.  I have a brother he has his hands full, big family and I do not bother him. No neighbors really talk, big acreages, only lived her a year and a half. 
My sweet little furry ones are my a true light, I think they need someone who is more stable. I will keep and love them, hopefully if something happens they will get re-homed and not put in a shelter. These are indeed scary times.

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KayC

I pray nothing happens.

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Missy1

I feel like at the end of the day is when my grief is the heaviest I feel like I’ve seen enough sunsets and sunrises and God has given Karl and I me the best years of ours lives.  I guess it has to be enough, it’s so empty now. I cry for him every day. I honestly have no desire to continue without him by my side...had a bad day, weekends are very difficult. Not feeling like a survivor today....

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Missy1

Each night i clutch his ring in my hand and  kiss it, it’s like a talisman, my link, it has his energy he Never took his ring off.  I love him so very much! How am I supposed to do this Without him, I can’t do this by myself!

I scream, Please come home Karl, I love you and I need you by my side, no answer...

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