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Missy1

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Missy1

Tonight we are pounded by desert rain and lightning strikes a violent storm in the desert my husband and I used to look out and be in awe  of the power! Tonight I layed  on the cold tile floor and sobbed till I could not breathe!  This isolation caused by the coronavirus is making  my grief and pain so much more worse, i feel like a prisoner locked away from society...

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jwahlquist

Today I am not a hoarder.   The weather was lovely and sunny.  If my husband were here we would have gone for a walk or accomplished some small project like cleaning out the garden beds.   Instead, I focused on things inside because the house is a mess.  I have a hard time being motivated when I feel so depressed.  I get tired easily too so I have to take more breaks.   I did get most of kitchen cleaned.  And we made decisions together about things that could go.  
 

I am a lonely woman who misses her spouse desperately but took the step to make “our bedroom” into a sanctuary for me and my daughter.  I have the bedroom and bathroom painted.  I bought a new bed and bedding.  I rearranged it all.   It isn’t done still as I have a vision of a rug, padded bench and an ottoman.  But it is a start.   It was hard as h$!!   I have never struggled with making a decision more in my life.   I slept on the couch for 6 weeks so I could avoid the room.  Finally the therapist told me that pretty soon I would get to the point where I found it too difficult to deal with at all.  
 

Today I am a survivor of one more day without my love.   

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KayC

jwahlquist, That you are doing something constructive and positive for yourself and your daughter is a huge step, I think you'll be pleased when you're finished.

Mentally, this isolation is going to be hard, I hope Inside Edition or someone does a segment on surviving this...we are just beginning.  It's better for those who still have their spouse/family with them.

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Missy1
11 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

but took the step to make “our bedroom” into a sanctuary for me and my daughter.

That is a big step, good for you, I am sure it was very emotional. I have left his side of our bed the same, I have slept on my side since day 1. I still catch myself reaching out to touch him, it’s very hard. I don’t want change anything, I am not ready. I want him back with me so badly.  I am afraid our life we shared together will fade if I move anything. I need to keep all I can the same for now.

Our grief group was cancelled before I even got started. I very grateful for this site. Sharing and reading is all I have right now.

In Mesa, AZ we still have one small restaurant/pub open nearby. I went with  a couple that we barely knew, they have been really nice and supportive. I got out for a bit it wasn’t fun at all, it was good to get out of my house I guess...I didn’t stay very long.

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jwahlquist
2 hours ago, Missy1 said:

1. I still catch myself reaching out to touch him, it’s very hard. I don’t want change anything, I am not ready. I want him back with me so badly.

This is why I hadn’t been in our room or slept in our bed for 6 weeks.   It was too much for me to handle.   So it was either change everything and make it new with no attachments or avoid it forever.   It felt like ripping off the world’s stickiest bandaid.  I figure there are still all of the memories in the rest of the house that having a small piece for myself and my daughter is ok.   I have noticed that she has spent as much time in there as I have.  So she must have needed it too even though she hasn’t said so.  
 

You will make changes when you are ready.  Or you may never make changes.   I think whatever you need to do to survive is the right thing.  

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Missy1
5 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

I have noticed that she has spent as much time in there as I have.  So she must have needed it too even though she hasn’t said so.

That is awesome, healing with your daughter is special, you have a light in this life. I know it’s not the same and you are in pain which probably makes it even more challenging. Just thinking that someday she will grow up, and hopefully meet someone who loves her, she will be on own journey.  Nice to hear positive stuff, thank you for sharing, so much hope. 
 

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Missy1

I could never imagined how lonely this was going to be, I mean, I have never experienced this deep, painful, soulful longing for a person who was not here! 
My chest hurts, it feels hard to breathe sometimes and my head is never in the present. I read that being lonely changes your brain, lonely people tend to have health  issues and shorter lives. I can see how that could be true. As someone pointed out, it’s being lonely because we are missing OUR mate not just not being with people. After they fade back into their bubble we go back to our bubble, alone.
Our physical life together is no more and will no never be again, that is a hard thing to acknowledge and I hate it!! 

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Missy1

I looked in the mirror today, I barely recognized my face, i have aged so drastically In the last 6 weeks, my eyes are hollow, new bags under my eyes. I look sad, I used to have this eternal grin on my face like was about to break out in laughter, which I did often. Now my expression is grave and sad as if something is very very wrong in an alarming way.. My voice is lower someone noted they are right, I am but a shell of my former self... waiting 

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jwahlquist

58D126C4-F223-4D64-A1F6-4F94607A3D11.jpeg

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jwahlquist
21 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I looked in the mirror today, I barely recognized my face, i have aged so drastically In the last 6 weeks, my eyes are hollow, new bags under my eyes. I look sad,

Me, too!   It is incredible how awful I look.  Even with sleeping pills I am not sleeping enough.  I hope someday it will get better but I have always had a hard time falling asleep.   Now I have a hard time staying asleep!

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Berty
On 3/20/2020 at 3:07 AM, Missy1 said:

I could never imagined how lonely this was going to be, I mean, I have never experienced this deep, painful, soulful longing for a person who was not here! 
My chest hurts, it feels hard to breathe sometimes and my head is never in the present. I read that being lonely changes your brain, lonely people tend to have health  issues and shorter lives. I can see how that could be true. As someone pointed out, it’s being lonely because we are missing OUR mate not just not being with people. After they fade back into their bubble we go back to our bubble, alone.
Our physical life together is no more and will no never be again, that is a hard thing to acknowledge and I hate it!! 

I exactly know where you are going through. The loss of your loved one feels so lonely, deep and painful. I have lost my mate two days before Christmas (I live in The Netherlands) and the pain is still so immense. I do agree too that lonely people tend to have health issues and shorter lives. It can be so scary. It is a long lonely way to go through. The most people doesn’t know how it feels when you lose a loved one. There is a big hole in your body.

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KayC

@Berty,

I am so sorry you too have lost your partner, but I'm glad you found this safe haven.  I hope you will read and post here, it does help to express yourself and someone is nearly always on line to listen or respond.

15 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

58D126C4-F223-4D64-A1F6-4F94607A3D11.jpeg

Thank you for sharing this, it's one I hadn't read, will save it.

Discovered this saves as a link instead of jpeg...for those wanting to keep it as a document, I've typed it...if someone more savvy than me can figure out how to put a picture as a watermark...

GRIEF

Don’t tell me to get over it
Don’t tell me to be strong
Don’t tell me time’s a healer,
Don’t tell me to move on,
I need my time to grieve,
I need my time alone,
No one else can rush me,
I need to do this on my own,
Yes, it may take a while,
Yes, it may take years,
Yes, I may shout and scream,
And cry so many tears,
But only when I am ready,
Not because you tell me so,
For when the time is right,
I will be the one to know.

By john f connor

 

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Berty

KayC,

Thank you so much for your message. It is hard to find a good grieving website. I try to post more, because my mother language is Dutch. So, I will do my best. Yes, we need to express ourselves, otherwise we can get sick.

I do miss my friend so deeply, I can’t describe it. He passed away in eleven days. So abrupt...and that makes it so hard to believe and to grieve. He was a healthy person, so this all came so suddenly. 

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foreverhis
On 3/18/2020 at 11:11 PM, jwahlquist said:

Today I am a survivor of one more day without my love.   

That's it in a nutshell. 

It feels like that every night as I try to wind myself into sleep.  I made it one more day, some better and some not, without my love by my side planning life with me, irritating me, teasing and laughing with me, listening and talking to me, sneaking up behind me in the kitchen to wrap his arms around me and kiss my neck (ladies, I suspect you all know that one).  The list seems endless.

Right now, I'm smacked in the heart by this isolation.  For the firsts several months after, I was a virtual hermit and only able to tolerate being around a few people.  Slowly, friends and family have helped me open myself back up to the world a bit at a time with a long way to go.  Now, I'm a hermit again, but not by choice, and I fear I will regress in my grief.  The thing is that it's been that way from the first time I ventured outside my cocoon:  Two steps forward, one step back, and always on an unexpected and winding path. 

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Missy1

I am so sorry, sometimes I feel so selfish, many of us are suffering and been for years. This all very surreal...

With the Covid virus outbreak I feel like my husband’s death was the end of the world anyway, this confirms it and adds to the terror and anxiety. Makes me feel like these events are tied together and are horrific. I keep thinking what other destructive events could come my way? Potential job loss? I hope not that would result in the loss my house! 
 

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jwahlquist
1 hour ago, Missy1 said:

With the Covid virus outbreak I feel like my husband’s death was the end of the world anyway, this confirms it and adds to the terror and anxiety. Makes me feel like these events are tied together and are horrific.

I understand all too well.  My husband passed away due to complications from Influenza A and strep.  His body went into Toxic Shock.  One day he was fine and the next he coded in the ER.  So I am taking this very seriously.  

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Missy1

@jwahlquist This must be impossibly difficult for you especially, I am sorry, this is vey REAL and making us feel very RAW agin! I don’t know about you but being locked up in my house, my thoughts tend to go very crazy and I start thinking about thing’s that may not be rational. I feel like I lose my footing in reality and think this virus could kill the rest of the people I love on earth like my Brothers my parents etc.. I don’t know If I take any more losses, we are fragile and trying to get better.  I hope you are hunkering down and we shall see what this brings!i 

I do admit that I’ve been taking a rather lax attitude about gathering in high-risk places and brushing it off that’s because I wouldn’t mind having this virus I wouldn’t mind not surviving this...I just don’t want to one who survives this time. I don’t have kids, no one needs me any longer here.

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jwahlquist
1 hour ago, Missy1 said:

I hope you are hunkering down and we shall see what this brings!

Well the public schools are closed in our state until the 24th of April at least.  All bars are closed.  All restaurants are takeout only.  The only place to go is a grocery store.  I have been shopping for my in-laws.   I am doing my best to help people that I can that shouldn’t be out in public.   
 

For today I am exhausted.  I didn’t do much but what I did do reminded me over and over again that my husband is gone.  Emotionally that takes its toll but physically it wears on me too.  When my parents go home I will likely spend a day in bed binge watching tv with my daughter.  Lately we have been watching Hoarders.  At least that show makes me feel better about the state of my house.  

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Missy1

I had no energy yesterday I watched a lot of bad TV same junk. On days I have to work from home it makes me active at least. 

i try to clean and an be functional somewhat, it’s a big effort, motivation is lacking. Before I worked, cooked, cleaned and did whatever needed to done before with vigor and passion because I had a reason. 

i too wish with all my heart things were different for all of us. As times goes by I feel like this is a dream, our life will In past is over. I am stuck, another damn day, another hill to climb, all of it  pointless...

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KayC

Yesterday I found out I was exposed to C-Diff a week ago.  Usually displays within 5-10 days although it can be one day to 2 months.  Very serious, highly contagious.  The person didn't know they had it until the following day.  This is a time when we feel paranoid about going out.

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Missy1

@KayC oh noooo it sounds very bad! Please take care, try to rest, keep your immunities up! Hopefully you won’t get sick. Glad you have good neighbors and seem to watch out for each other. 
Getting medical attention can be tricky right now as well. Lots of people count on you, I hope you stay well.

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Missy1

Before I met my husband I was in the dark and I took for granted the light in the love that he brought to my life In those 30:years, he left me in a quick minute and my lights has been extinguished and now I just feel darkness again. Life as we knew it has ended...

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jwahlquist
2 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I took for granted the light in the love that he brought to my life In those 30:years,

I don’t know that I took for granted the love my husband brought to my life but after 23 years together (almost my entire adult life) I have forgotten what it was like to not have his love and companionship.   My husband was my best friend as well as the love of my life.   I enjoyed just being around him.   I miss him so much some days that I still struggle with going on.   I wish I could switch places with him.  
 

Today, I am feeling lonely and heartbroken.  I held myself together until bedtime so I can fall apart while alone.  I am crying while watching Hoarders because I can’t find anything that can distract me from the pain. 

12 hours ago, KayC said:

Yesterday I found out I was exposed to C-Diff a week ago.

I hope that you are ok.  

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KayC
6 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

I hope that you are ok.  

Yeah, me too.  I think I fear that more than the Coronavirus because that gets over with, C-Diff can reoccur the rest of your life and is high infectious, very dangerous.  It's been 8 days since the exposure.

9 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Life as we knew it has ended...

Yes, that is the harsh reality.  But YOUR life has not, much as you wish it had.  There will be good times ahead...not like before, but still, good.  There will be moments of happiness, I say moments because it feels fleeting like a split second and then over with but I've had it happen.  I'll take what I can get.

 

7 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

My husband was my best friend as well as the love of my life.   I enjoyed just being around him.

Sounds like my relationship with George.  I was married 23 years to my kids' dad but it was not like this.  George is the only one who ever truly love me and got me.  I'll never forget our wedding day, the relief on his face when she said she pronounced us husband and wife.  I think he'd been holding his breath, worried something would ruin it before we got started.  It was the most wonderful feeling, being with him.  Nothing like it.

 

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foreverhis
On 3/22/2020 at 10:01 AM, KayC said:

Yesterday I found out I was exposed to C-Diff a week ago.  Usually displays within 5-10 days although it can be one day to 2 months.  Very serious, highly contagious.

Oh no, Kay.  That's a nasty one.  We'll be praying for you to stay well.

If at some point you're able to get to the store and if you can have dairy (I know you're very restricted), please pick up some kefir.  A "dose" every day can really help stop or prevent C-diff.  We learned this when our local hospital included a little cup of it with every meal when my husband was on IV antibiotics. 

The hospital infectious disease department did a "test" to see if it helped prevent the spread and susceptibility because C-diff is so prevalent in hospital settings.  Every patient on antibiotics got 2 ounces with each meal, along with a note that "even if you aren't up to eating right now, please you must drink this."  After 6 months, they noted that their nosocomial C-diff infection rate was down by more than 50%.  That's huge, considering that adding kefir was the only change.

Stay well and know we are thinking about you.

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