Lost my husband

[Rebekah]

I recently lost my husband 1 month ago. There was an accident at his work a front end loader plowing snow hit him and killed him instantly. I met my husband when I was 19. We married in 2002. He was my best friend I miss him so much. I’m just trying to find something to help me through this pain. 

[Missy1]

Hello, I am so very sorry for your loss! This is a great site, we are all walking this grief journey together, It seems impossible but people here make the pain tolerable. Read some posts, feel free to post, no one judges here and we can discuss our deepest feelings. It really helps to purge, saved my life and I still lean in as this is all new. 

[KayC]

Rebekah,

I am so sorry you lost your husband...mine also was my best friend, my soulmate.  You've found a good place here, it helps you know there are people going through the same things that understand and get it.  It also helps to express yourself, it's part of the grief processing.

I wrote this at about ten years out, of the things I found helpful, some of them won't be applicable until further in your journey, but some may be of help to you now.  One of the biggest helps for me was learning to take one day at a time...I do that still, and it's been almost 15 years.  

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Rhonda R]

Rebekah -

I am so sorry your are joining us on this site as it means you have lost the love of your life.  We all understand what you are feeling.  I think we would all agree this is the hardest thing that we have ever been through but we are all proof that you can get through it, though many days it will feel like you can't.  New, raw grief is some of the worst pain in the world.  You just want someone to tell you what to do, how to handle it and although we can share with you what worked for us, that doesn't mean all of it will work for you.  In the beginning, it was all about survival and forcing myself to get things done.  I was exhausted all the time and just wanted to lay in bed or sit on the couch and stare off into space.  I couldn't think about the future, day to day and sometimes hour to hour.  Like Missy said, we aren't here to judge, just support each other, and sometime offer a different view point when we are stuck.  Getting your feelings out is painful, but necessary.  We are here for you. 

[jwahlquist]

I am sorry for you loss.  It is so hard.   Losing my husband has been hard and life shattering.   My husband died unexpectedly too which makes it even harder to understand and reconcile my feelings. Personally, I went to my doctor and she prescribed sleeping medication and an antidepressant because I was struggling so badly.   I also have been going to therapy well until this whole Covid-19 thing happened.   Try to take care of yourself.   ((HUGS))