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MissMyLisa

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Sigh.. well this sucks. Here I am on a site I wish I never even looked for, yet am now a member of. I need help badly. It's been three weeks since I lost my wife. Three nightmarish weeks of cursing at God, breaking into uncontrollable crying and sobbing.... The usual morning ritual is to open my eyes, feel my heart sink as I once again remember my beautiful wife is gone, and I'm alone. Many days I hold a pillow over my face to muffle the sound as I scream and cry and yell the unknown force that decided take her from me. God? The universe? Some unseen cosmic consciousness? I have no idea, but if I could find whoever made that decision I'd beat their ass. I'm angry. I'm lost. I often thought people throw the term soul-mate around lightly, and maybe that's true for some. Those of you who've lost yours, you know they really were. That's the downside of finding your soul mate. They don't tell you that while finding, and living with your soul mate is bliss, and the connection and friendship amazingly incredible and fulfilling, losing them is unbearable. Its been absolutely devastating. My wife and I were together ten years. Such a short ten years for someone who I've felt I've known for ages. We had a connection that confirmed our belief that we were constructed with each other in mind. Destined to meet. I can't say enough about my sweet Lisa. Her smile, her quirks, her faults. Yes, I love her faults too, it's part of who she is. Just as she loves me for all that I am. Being a normal couple, we often squabbled over things. Stupid things. Things that don't matter in the overall scheme of life. You don't live day to day thinking about the eventuality of being separated. You're too busy living. That's who we were. Soul mates. Deeply in love, best friends, confidants, partners in everything life threw at us. Two imperfect people that were perfect for eachother. Today I wake up and am disappointed I'm still here. I don't want to live without her. I see no point in it. The one and only woman I wanted, I had. Now she's gone, so why the hell am I here?? So many questions. Why her? Not that I'd wish this on anyone, but where's the fairness in taking someone so sweet, so loving, so special? I may never know. If there was some grand reason for taking her that made sense, I'd at least benefit from the knowledge. I've got nothing. I'm still kind of waiting to wake up to find out its just been a bad dream. It's so surreal. The house is empty, quiet and lonely without her here. I have trouble cleaning up. I don't want to disturb her things. Her jewelry she left on the table, her hair brush still sits on the arm of the sofa, where she last sat brushing her long beautiful black hair. Her toothbrush sits on the counter in the bathroom. Her jacket on the back of the dining room chair where she placed it after work that last day. On and on I could go. It feels wrong to move anything, like I'm ruining a display in a museum. I don't know what to do. We had been looking at relocating to Arizona from this frozen wasteland in upper MI. She was optimistically looking at houses we couldn't afford, ever the dreamer. Do I carry out our dream and move anyway? My logical mind says why move, just to be alone anyway? I feel imprisoned in this sad shell of a home without her. I'm still sick of the long gray winters and would like to leave, but whatever friends and family I have are here. Back to square one. Living in a small town, you know almost everyone, and if you don't, you at least know a friend or family member of them. News travels fast. I can't go to town without being stopped by people wishing to express their condolences. Often times they're complete strangers, but they knew my Lisa. She worked as a cashier in the local market, and she basically saw everyone. And people were naturally attracted to her spirit. She made an impression. And while I understand the kindhearted gestures, I get sick of being stuck replaying this tragedy all the time. I'm barely hanging on to my sanity, and I always get "If there's anything I can do, let me know". Uh, unless you've got a magic wand up your sleeve that you've been holding out on, no. No there's nothing you can do to turn back time. It kills me to look at the calendar to see a medical test she was scheduled for, but cancelled. That echocardiogram would have shown the aortic aneurysm growing to a dangerous size, and we could have gotten her in to emergency surgery before it came apart that night. We are already behind on some bills, and stressed out about money. That's why she cancelled. I told her we'd worry about the bills later, take care of what's important. But I was at work, and she cancelled. Can't afford another test was her reasoning. So I'm hitting the wall in frustration, anger, and misery. Crying and asking her out loud, "Why didn't you go, baby???" We could still be together. In the ER that night, the mri showed the problem, and they were furiously phoning hospitals looking for a qualified surgeon on staff that could take her. This one's a no, that one's a no. This one two hours away is out sick. Finally found one 5 hours away. Of course there was a damn snowstorm and high winds that grounded air transport. Both chopper and fixed wing. So they had to attempt the 5 hour drive. My truck was in the shop for repairs, and her car is iffy at very best for a ten hour round trip. They won't let you ride in the ambulance with them. Regulations. So at 1:30 am, she was loaded into the ambulance and away she went. I never saw her again. My plan was to go home, get a couple hours sleep, gather some clothes, and rise early to get a rental car and drive down to be with her. Two hours later after a fitful sleep ,exhausted and running on fumes, I'm online furiously looking to secure a rental car. Then I got the call. She was about an hour away from the medical center when she took an turn for the worse, and they couldn't revive her. I'm crying again now reliving it. I'm damaged. My wife, my support, my rock, the one in whom my very roots were intertwined with was ripped away from me. I'm incomplete now. Nothing I used to enjoy has any joy for me. We were inseparable through anything. Now I can barely function. I had maybe 3 meals total that first week. I woke up one day and realized I hadn't showered in 5 days. I forced myself to get in the tub. I can't sleep even worse than before. I might get 4 or 5 hours but that's with a 2 or 3 hour gap in between where I got up and drank some more in hopes of passing out. Yes, I've turned to drinking to knock me out at night. Every day is a new, sad first. First time going to the store without her, first time taking a trip out of town without her. Etc. My birthday is in a couple weeks. First birthday in ten years I won't get a card from her and a trip out to do something fun. Can't wait for the holidays.. All the realities that must be addressed, her cremation, her return trip home, all these topics sound wrong coming from my mouth. I should not be talking about this crap. She's supposed to be here. We broached the subject before and she had stated she'd like to be cremated, and her ashes spread at Yosemite. I've so far honored her wishes, and that through the grace and support from family and friends. A trip out, and taking her two sons, I don't know how I'll pull it off. I've barely kept the lights on as is. I remember a discussion we had just a couple months back when I had told her that come the time, I'd like to go first. I told her I'd be devastated if anything happened to her. She replied she'd feel the same. That's one of two positive aspects to any of this. There's only two. I said I'd rather go first, but that was out of selfishness. I knew I'd be inconsolable, and I never wanted to experience it. Knowing what hell this is, I know that I'd never in a million years, ever want her to experience this. I was always stronger than she, and I'm barely making it through. She got her way, and left first so I'm taking this pain, she will never have to. As bad as this is, if we knew one of us would have to endure this, I'd volunteer so she would never have to suffer this. In that regard it's my honor to take this rather than her. The second positive, that night in the ER I was already exhausted from a long work day after about 3 hours sleep the night prior thanks to my insomnia and she told me to go home and get some sleep. We still hadn't come to fully understand the gravity of the situation. I said hell no. My place was at her side. I held her hand and watched over her. I helped her with her bed pan. She was in pain so they had her on an iv drip, a little something to ease her pain and calm her heart rate down. She was lethargic but could talk with me. I stayed up until they got her into the gurney and wheeled her out into the loading bay. She was lifted up and ready to put in the back. There I was with her clothing and boots, jacket and jewelry in a bag. I walked up to her and leaned in to kiss her. She was weak but she lifted her head to meet me. Our lips touched and we kissed what would be our final kiss. I stroked her hair and looked her in the eyes and told her that I love her, and I promised she'd be okay. That I would rent a car first thing I could and drive down to be with her asap. "Let's just get you taken care of.." That was it. She was slid into the ambulance and off they went. On my way to her car, I saw them leave the hospital parking lot, leaving fresh tracks in the snow. I fired up her car, wiped the tears from my face and drove home taking the way they had, trying to stay in her tracks and looking for a glimpse of the tail lights but they were wasting no time. I got  home, prayed earnestly and tried to get any rest I could. The rest of the story you know. We didn't part ways during one of our stupid little tiffs. We had been having a regular, comfortable evening together. My sweet Lisa and I. Together we could take on the world. We may not always win, but with her at my side and I hers, we knew we'd always be ok. I used to tell her "It's you and I, kid". She loved that. She knew I'd ever be there with her and for her.  I was until the last moment possible. Now I'm a shell of a man. Burnt out and incomplete. I go to sleep hoping I don't wake up. I don't care about anything anymore. I talk to her. I talk aloud. I pray. I always ask for signs and communication in any way. So far I've seen, heard, felt next to nothing. That's discouraging and really surprising. In life, she was a big believer in the spirit and energies. Very in tune with the cosmic forces that surround us. She regularly consulted spiritual devices, cards and crystals always around. Yet I hear nothing. I'm waiting. I'm looking for direction, I have none. I'm doing my best to honor her wishes. I've kept a candle burning for her nonstop for weeks now. I find long strands of her gorgeous hair, and I can't bear to lose them to the trash. I keep them. I don't know if I'm going crazy and I kind of don't care anyway. My reason for being is gone. Gone from this side of the fence, anyway. I believe like Lisa, that the spirit is energy and therefore still exists, just not on this side at present. My hope to see her again is the only thing that's kept me here. I'd hate to do something rash and deny myself the chance to be rejoined again. It's not worth the risk. So I suffer. I cry. I scream and yell and shake my fist in the air at God for taking her. I wish I had answers. I'm completely lost and in agony but I'm still here. I hope Lisa is proud of me.

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I totally and completely get this, as does everyone here. It is a refuge for us all admist the same pain and loss. I cried reading this, it is all so familiar. I am sorry you have joined us but hope you will find some comfort here. 

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Thank you. Any tiny bit of healing I might find, I'll take. I feel like I'm adrift on the current, my anchor gone.

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I am very sorry for your loss, it is the hardest thing in the world and all of us here get it. 

Everything you said resonates with me and the relationship I had with my husband...my soulmate.  We adored each other and that made for a very good relationship.  You are right, when you love like this, it seems unbearable when you lose them.  I want to assure you that as inconceivable as it seems...and will seem for quite a long time, you will begin to adjust bit by bit.  It will NOT mean you're losing your love, that won't happen.  You will always love and miss her, but our bodies can't handle this immense pain forever so it begins to adjust.  I never thought it possible.  I didn't even see how the sun could go on shining without him in it.

I wrote this article at about ten years out of the things I've found helpful, I'm hoping something in it will speak to you now and something else on down the road as your journey evolves.  

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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I wish that I could say that I didn’t understand what you are going through because that would mean that my husband wasn’t truly gone.   But I understand all too well.  My husband passed away 5 weeks ago suddenly due to complications from influenza and strep at the age of 48.   One minute he was alive in the ER, the next they told my daughter and me to leave.  He coded, they brought him back, he spent 5 days in the ICU before they told me after what feels like a million tests that he would never regain consciousness or be able to survive off of the vast amount of life support he was on.  
 

I have been angry, distraught, suicidal, depressed, and anxious.  I had to function somewhat because we have an 11 year old daughter.  So I went to my doctor and she gave me prescriptions for sleeping pills and an antidepressant.  These pills have helped me get through the day and at least be able to function some.   I am still so incredibly sad and miss everything about our life we built over 22 years of marriage.  
 

I am sorry for your loss.  I am glad you had that time to kiss her and be there with her before the ambulance left.  One of my regrets is that I had just arrived at the ER from work and I didn’t even get to give my husband a kiss while he could acknowledge that I existed.  I am happy that you have that memory to cherish.   
 

 

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Dazed&Confused

I am so sorry for your loss. Reading your post made me cry. While all our losses are different and it feels so lonely, we do understand. Today is day 61 for me and it feels like day 1 all over again. I have moved very little in the house since my wife passed and have no plans to do much more for the foreseeable future.

Again - I am very sorry.

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You really did express what all of us on here understand.  Your love shines through in your writing and I have no doubt she knows how much you love her.  I'm so sorry you lost your love.  This is one of the hardest things to go through in your life.  At the beginning, it's survival, however that looks to you.  Grief is such a roller coaster of emotions one does begin to think they are going crazy, you are not.  I'm glad you are getting your grief out.  I know you want answers, we all did.  It is unfair and it's hard to understand why some get 92 years and others 2, 20, 40.  It's hard not to feel alone because the one person you want most in the world isn't there.  I also started seeing a therapist 6 weeks after my husband died and I still see her once a month.  She has helped me so much.  I know right now you don't feel like doing anything, including going to a therapist but unlike those of us on here, they are trained to help people through the tough life situations.  I'd say this is one of the toughest.  I know you already know that alcohol is a depressant.  Your doctor will gladly prescribe something for you to help you sleep.  We are here for you and we understand what you are feeling.  Why you are cursing God.  That sick feeling in the pit of your stomach.  Your inability to eat.  I know that there is no way you can know this now, but for most people it does get better but it is going to take time.  Grief for me has been like putting one grain of salt in the shaker at a time.  After a while, it starts to fill up. 

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So sorry for your horrendous loss, I wish I could say more, I can’t find the words that would even come close to offer any comfort. Having lost my soulmate 6 weeks ago I am very far from being okay! Post as you Often as you feel, no judgement here. I post often it has kept me alive thus far. I hope you can find some peace knowing you are not alone, I feel like we are in a alternate universe, it’s hell, no one truly understands...

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1 hour ago, Rhonda R said:

Why you are cursing God.

Many do in that first year or so of grief...we need someone/something to blame and vent on...He's got broad shoulders, I'm sure He understands and can take it.  This shakes us to the core.
I found it helped to have smoothies when I couldn't eat, a good way to get some nutrients in without "eating."  The last thing we need is to feel worse, Rhonda's mention about alcohol being a depressant is a good point...the last thing we need is a depressant, I think we all felt enough of that already!

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Just checking in on you and letting you know I am thinking about you.  I don't know you personally, but I have been there and it's the worst thing I've ever been through.  Just wanted to let you know we are here for you. 

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Thank you for that. I thank everybody. It's odd that some days I cry so much I run out of tears, and then I had a couple days of not breaking down and crying. The sadness is still there, but I didn't lose it. Then another day of losing it. I've got to find a way forward. I was meant to stay. If not, I'd be gone too. I wish that though. I don't fear death like I used to. If I go, I'll catch up to my wife. I really don't care if I get a virus or anything else. I've got nothing left to lose. 

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Except this is no way to go.  I've heard it's very miserable, painful.  If I were to order my end it'd be a heart attack in my sleep, something quick and painless.  If only we could have a say.  It'd be my luck to suffer to death all alone.

 

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Believe it or not, expressing your grief is moving forward.  Painful and hard as hell but all a part of moving forward.  This is all so new, you really can't expect much from yourself.  There are still days I don't feel like doing a thing....and I don't.  There are other days, I get a lot done.  It's hard to care about anything at this point in your grief.  It's hard to motivate yourself.  I just remember being so exhausted all the time and living in a fog.  I'm sorry you feel you have nothing left to lose but I understand why you are feeling that way.  I felt the same way and believed with all my heart that I would never feel differently.  21 months down the line, I feel differently.  I'm not happy about the circumstances of my life but I try every day to make the best of it.  Maybe some day I will make a difference in the life of someone else or rescue an animal that really needs me.  I don't know....none of us do. 

I think KayC's gift is bringing comfort to those in their worst times.  She's here every day, checking on people, and doing her best to comfort them.  If she had a choice, I'm sure she would take her old life back but I can't imagine getting through this without people like her, who really understand and can give hope to the rest of us. 

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Love the picture of you two, I can see how much you love each other, this is such a weird and unexpected place to be. I  struggle every day, I am 7 weeks in and feeling the same as week 1. I just wanted to say your not alone, people do care this is a great place to pour out your thoughts. I take it a day at time and try to sort through my head. Events like this change us forever, we are left scrambling blind in a dark void  trying  to make sense of it all!  I still scream and cry every day, it’s exhausting, I hope you are doing better!
Sometimes I feel like a walking zombie, I went out to the last night at the last pub open yesterday (now all closed) with some friends and had tears in my eyes off and on all night, they kept saying cheer up, you are so glum! I was thinking, I am out, that is a big deal so back off people! They say we should do what we need to, let out our pain not keep it inside. 

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21 hours ago, Missy1 said:

they kept saying cheer up, you are so glum!

This type of behavior drives me crazy!  I haven't gotten much of that, fortunately.  It seems to be especially common when it's someone younger like you.  (Edit: Yes, you are younger and still at a point in life where people are going to want you to find someone new.)  Seven weeks is barely a breathe, a heartbeat on this most painful of journeys.  Why anyone would think you could "cheer up" over losing the love of your life is beyond me.

Sometimes I think it's because people don't know what to say, so they say inappropriate things.  On the whole though, it seems to me that people want us to "get back to normal" as soon as possible because our grief makes them uncomfortable and forces them to confront their own mortality, the sense of "This could happen to you."  What they do not understand or refuse to believe is that the you they knew is forever changed and the normal you knew will never come back.

Yes, you may very likely need to distance yourself from some people, at least temporarily.  I encourage you to tell those people why.  Tell them how hurtful and inappropriate their words and behavior are. 

I'm sorry that people you should be able to count on to support you have caused you even more pain.

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You are right, they respond out of what THEY want to happen, not out of thinking about how YOU must feel.  I don't think they can even grasp how YOU feel!

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