And It Continues

[TAM1]

Somehow I thought once I got past the three-year-mark things would settle down and smooth out.  Even with having a hip replacement four weeks ago, I was healing and focusing ahead.  Then I began getting messages last week from my son that something was very wrong, and has been for the last year. Then last Friday his wife told him she was having an affair (they've been married 10 years and have two young boys), and is "engaged."  The "business trips" were a cover to meet this man - what sort of 29-year-old guy seeks out married women with children?  They met at a bar. There is so much wrong here, so much loss, and so much effort and help going to help him and the boys as he has been a stay-at-home dad so she could have the career.  Lots of hopeless prayers and wishes and the heartbreak, so much, is overwhelming.  

I'm helping, listening, giving support, in every way.  We would wish that a person would wake up and see what their selfish desires have wrought, the long-term.  

[jwahlquist]

Wow that is an awful situation and tough to try to process.  
 

I think the worst part is that your son and his kids are innocent in all of this but are going to be the ones that suffer the most.  

[KayC]

I am so sorry!  As mom of a daughter going through it, I can empathize.  Her husband has been treating her horribly for 2 1/2 years, told her on Christmas he is going to get a divorce.  No updates yet.  

I'm glad he's hit the 10 year mark as he can get spousal and child support.  Perhaps he can find a home business he can do?  Or it'll be back to work and kids in daycare.  I'm so sorry for his heartbreak and the effects on the kids, it's the worst nightmare.

[TAM1]

Thanks Kay - I've spent this last week off on disability dealing with this.  Assuming some things financially like some household bills and we have a teleconference with an attorney this Friday. It was a lot of work to find one and she sounds very level. 

The wife has the idea to sell the house, get her money, and walk away without any responsibility. That is not how it works so as they discuss things, it will all go to mediation and not the courts where people spend tons of money needlessly.  

It takes two for this sort of disaster but Texas is, any most states are, a "no fault state."  Texas does not assign blame to any party. The central idea is that the marriage is no longer working due to "irreconcilable differences". 

I really hate this!  During such times one can forget to eat right and do what is right. I saw myself going that way after this last weekend and I've made a correction because I'm starting back at work next Monday. 

 

[KayC]

OMG, are you ready to start back to work or no choice?  My heart goes out to you.  With him being the caregiver of the children it sounds plausible to me he'd get custody but I know how they bend to the mother.  I hope they can co-parent amicably, which is in the interest of the children.  In Oregon you have to take a class teaching you how to have an amicable divorce and what to do/not do around the kids...before you can be divorced.  I think it's a great idea...IF everyone would pay heed to it.  Keeping him and the kids in my prayers and you too.

[TAM1]

I need to go back - best at this time. Things have changed so very much over time that now dad's are also given custody.  With this, the attorney is looking at my son having full custody and she can have visitation every other weekend.  Her plan is to get married and move away with her "fiancé."  Tonight she has the boys overnight and to return them in the morning. My son has never been away from the boys - he's a dedicated father. A lot of people are thinking of him and the boys this evening. 

[KayC]

I pray that's what happens as it seems in the best interest of the children.

[Dazed&Confused]

I am sorry that your son is going through this along with you. Hopefully you both can take her ass to the cleaners..

[TAM1]

It's been painful to hear so many details since last week as things unfolded. To know what I know and it's hard not to get caught up in his fear and to feel deeply how hard this is. He does appreciate that I've stepped up and believes in the long run that this will be positive. She has left him with no money for anything which is shocking to me. So many people have reached out to him and are in shock as they have always been a solid couple. 

[KayC]

Hopefully he can get spousal support.  

[TAM1]

It's March 20th and so much has happened in a few weeks as I've moved into a time of tremendous support and encouragement of my son as things changed so drastically.  She moved out of the house into an apartment and my son has the house and the two boys. I've helped out in every way possible and Max told me, "Without you, I don't think I'd be alive and we would not have had food."  His wife cleared out the joint account and contributes nothing towards her family and is focused on her new life.  I'm planning a trip to Austin for Easter and have flights scheduled though I'm wondering if COVID-19 might change that. Whatever happens I'll drive the 1500 miles. 

[KayC]

What she did was illegal but my XH did the same thing to me.  He took my paychecks, our bank accounts, even the income tax refund we'd said we were using to get my son a pickup.  Then unbeknownst to me he promised our son MY old pickup (the transmission went out the same month as our divorce) and he kept the nice Blazer.  He used OUR money to get HIMSELF a high falutin' lawyer, I had no $ for representation, he blindsided me.  Yes I knew we were headed for a divorce but I didn't know he'd be so ruthless as to steal everything.  He also took 80% of our retirement, which was our greatest asset.  Said he'd pay off our property but didn't.  So unfair, but somehow we get through these things.  I do wish your son the best and am glad you are able to be there for him.  It's amazing to me that people can throw away all their scruples so quickly...my XH left the kids and I w/o heat (the chimney top was busted off (hmm) and he didn't tell us, discovered in Oct. and it took a month to get it replaced, by then the kids and I were freezing!  He also didn't mention that the patio rail was rotted...until the day of my daughter's graduation party, a week before he left.  We went to Hell Hole (a divide in the early that has a sheer drop off...when we got home he told me he could have pushed me off!  Such was his thinking.  It blew me away, we were married 23 years, you think you know someone!

I hope your son is able to protect the kids as much as possible so they don't worry and can still have some positive thought of their mom...that's a challenge, for sure, but in their best interest.  We had to take a class from the state before our divorce was granted in how to handle each other and the kids...I heeded it, he didn't.  such is the unfairness of divorce.

My family was my greatest support, all our friends ditched me.  I hope your son has some true blues that stand by him, you are worth your weight in gold to him.

How are YOU holding out?  Going through surgery recovery and then this is a lot at once.  Are you able to work now?

[TAM1]

A truly odd time to get to and past year 3 since Len's passing and as I did at year 2, thought, "Oh, it's going to get easier.  I finally "get it."  Boy!  So very fortunate and thankful to be there for my son and grandsons and as I've walked and prayed sensed that this is another time God has given me, put me here for, as he has. Yes, family has been my greatest support and my son does have those true-blues. It's sad that the other set of grandparents haven't reached out to him to ask how he is doing or the boys are doing. Nothing. No support.  I had to start my life over in 1997 at the age of 40, so at 42, I'm helping him with quite a lot as a veteran and warrior as I gird my loins.

I returned to work on March 9th and honestly felt after the first day and week that I should have taken two more weeks or more of recuperation. I've been taking walks and building up though it is slow, I take a walking stick now as I lost my balance on a curved hill yesterday and would have fallen on the left side if not for grabbing a sigh post. As of yesterday, they have us working from home for the next two weeks, remotely, and that is ok though much of my work can't be done on the Internet or virtually as it is at and on my desk. So, I did my best and in those dull times I cleaned my windows and baseboards, and during lunch break picked up laundry and went to three stores and finally found milk. 

COVID-19 the store shelves have been stripped and thankfully I had plenty of everything, including TP and paper towels that people hoarded and tried to resell at a profit - Amazon and eBay shut them down and the stores will not accept returns on the hoarded items. That's justice!  California is another "shelter in place or home" - it's just an odd time without precedent. I know a lot of people are feeling very isolated and they have told me this and I've felt this and this morning I sensed a deep terror inside and that's odd. I need to ponder and pray on this because it's not good at all. 

My neighbor Alana (70) has self-isolated for the last two weeks as she has underlying health issues called me yesterday as she had baked some challah bread and wanted to give me a loaf.  We walked down the way and met at a crossroads so she could give this to me and we could talk from the acceptable social distancing requirements. I ran into my friend Edie (78) at a store yesterday and she looked at me with a lost look and said, "I don't understand what is happening."  I called her later in the evening and we will talk again today. 

I hope you and all are doing well and are safe. 

[KayC]

I saw on the news some guy bought more than a pickup load of T-paper and was selling it on line.  They showed him on the news, I hope a grocer recognized him and forbids him from their store for LIFE!  How one can justify making $ off this, not caring about others out here in need, it's beyond me.

My neighbors mean a lot to me...I walk Kodie 3-4 times/day plus Joe 1 time/day so I see my neighbors working in their yards, etc. and just to exchange a greeting means more than I can say.  

I started my life over in my 20s, again in my 40s, and early in my 50s when George died.  It's a huge adjustment but you learn perspective from it, you know if you can make it through those times you can make it through anything.  I thought my long term marriage/divorce was super hard (and it was) but losing George to death was by far the hardest...and then losing Arlie was like unto it.  Each one unique loss, very hard to weather.

Praying for us all.  And your son and grandchildren.  Sometimes I wonder if these people like my SIL and your DIL will have regrets on down the road.  They should but hard saying.

[TAM1]

Things have been so very odd since the COVID-19 took over everything that was normal. I'm working from home and adapting to this and am able to actually work and am building a new routine around this.  I sent a box of supplies to my son as the stores were stripped and he was unable to get the usual, TP, paper towels, though he had plenty of diapers - that is the one thing he bought ahead, not thinking that the other two would go so quickly.  This business with his wife is very hard to sustain, to hear about, to be concerned - almost unbearable - one more terrible loss, at least to me. My heart can't break anymore than it is now and it seems to never end. I've been able to handle so much - I wish she would just go away, or die, so she can't do further damage. 

[KayC]

TAM, there will come a time she can't hurt him more as his heart will be healed and she won't affect him...so long as she doesn't further hurt the kids.  She's not thinking about the effect of her actions on them but it does.  When my husband (kids' dad) divorced me after 23 years of marriage, I remember my son coming home from school and flinging himself on the couch (15) and crying out, "Great!  Now I'm just a statistic!" as he sobbed into the couch.  I could only say, "I'm sorry."  Nothing we can say.  He did learn to adjust but now we have grandchildren and our granddaughter is starting to ask questions about Papa and I "used to be married."  She's almost five.  It's painful.

So glad you were able to help your son by sending supplies, that is so thoughtful and will be greatly appreciated, I'm sure!  You're a good mom.

[TAM1]

Hearing your words here helped to add perspective - thank you. I'm carefully listening to him, really tough stuff, sometimes nudging him back to the right thinking so he continues to heal and he is. Just not having her in the home now it's a better place, a better atmosphere. Yesterday when they came home he had two parakeets waiting for the boys - Fox had always wanted a bird but his mother hates birds. Both boys were thrilled and son told me he played with them yesterday, like the "Dada" was before this mess landed. 

 

[KayC]

Ahh, that's great.  They've been saying it's good for kids to have a pet and now's a good time to get one when everyone's home.  I love it!

[Rhonda R]

This really is such a weird time.  I'm sorry your son is going through all this during this time of isolation.  It's going to take time and he will get stronger every day.  Divorce is the death of a dream.  The death of the future you had planned.  Somewhat like grief, you have to adjust to your new normal, especially when you are not the one who wanted it in the first place.  It's hard and you want to hold the family together for the kids but really, what chance would their marriage have now anyway...none.  Unfortunately, she isn't going away any time soon.  She is their mother and he will be dealing with her until the kids turn 18.  I remember when my youngest graduated from high school and I no longer had to try to co-parent with my ex, it was bittersweet to see her grow up an move on, but to be rid of him, so sweet.  They will find their way.  He will hopefully go on to meet the love of his life.  I did.  Kay did. 

I'm glad that you are able to work from home.  I, on the other hand, work for the Department of Corrections in the prison system and it has been a very trying situation for the staff here.  There is no social distancing in prisons and until yesterday, I was meeting with new offenders for hours at a time without so much as a mask.  I'm happy to do the work for Minnesota but at least give me some way to protect myself.  I feel like I'm just a throw away for the state.  If I could retire tomorrow, I would.  I'm not really sure what they are going to do when all of us start getting sick?  Stay home and stay safe.  I know it stinks right now but in the big picture, it's so important.  Take care. 

[TAM1]

I didn't realize two weeks have passed but there has been adapting to do - transitioning from working from home (WFH) has been like starting a new job. They did cut the hours of non-exempt employees back from 7.5 hours per day to 6, so I'm using vacation time to make up the difference until the "work-share" is approved for the firm which will provide some benefits for the time lost of one day per week which adds up. It's helped me to be home also, as my left hip is still healing. I had scheduled a flight to Austin over Easter but cancelled due to the virus and there was no way to go there without ending up with a 14-day quarantine. It was painful to finally acquiesce that I could not fly there, trains had stopped, and out-of-state drivers were being stopped and given a 14-day quarantine. But, my son managed Easter very well with the boys and time stood still as they reveled in their baskets, hunting eggs and playing all day. I didn't look at any news about COVID-19 that weekend which helped relieve anxiety - the break was healthy. I've rescheduled my flight to mid-May. It has been almost a year since my last visit. 

 

[KayC]

TAM, while I'm sorry your Easter plans were canceled (as mine were) and I know you miss your son and grandchildren (me too!) I'm so glad to hear he did well with the kids over Easter.  That isn't surprising, he sounds like a wonderful father.

And I'm glad you're able to work from home w/o missing too many hours.  My son is working from home too and although my daughter lost some jobs (she has a housecleaning business) I pray she can make it through financially.  I plan on giving her my tax stimulus.  I've just gathered from the news that it's "borrowed" from our taxes next year so it'll count against us somehow.  Ahh well, I'll worry about that then.  Her husband is getting hers as that's how their refunds have gone...into HIS bank account.   She has no access to it.
I, too, am trying to guard against "over-information" on this COVID-19, it can add to our stress and worry.

[TAM1]

Quote

Thank you Kay - Max is a very dedicated father. 

I'll be logging off the "remote" for work and going for a walk as I try to do this daily. I've somehow been pulled back into grieving the last few days, missing Len, missing Missy. I've "there" for a number of folks and lately I've wondered who is there for me?  Not to feel sorry for myself but I'm feeling isolated and need to get around this as the distancing continues. Also working remotely from home has had me feeling insecure though it's had it's benefits though I make the effort to separate "work" from "home". I just seem to have this very sad feeling. 

 

[KayC]

I think we're all grappling with our feelings, struggling to remain upbeat through this isolation and scare.  I have a good reason to believe I wouldn't live through this if I got it.  And feeling shut off from family, friends, church...this is hard and it accentuates how much our spouse's death continues to affect us.

[TAM1]

Yes, "grappling" is an excellent word. I was up late reading until 2:00 this morning, making up for talking to my brother who called and wanted to talk about things and this was for over an hour. He and his wife have been self-quarantining since early March, I believe. My neighbor Alana down the way is doing the same because she knows she would not survive the virus.  

Another thing I did late yesterday and last night to make a list of everything, the positives, things to be done or ordered, personal thoughts about "now."  The thought I had this morning is, "This is the way things are for now."  I had been feeling swept away by the enormity of how quickly things changed and have kept changing. The shortages; helping friends and family find items and shipping non-perishable foods, TP, paper towels, dish soap, Oreos, dried basil - all items that had been stripped from the shelves. 

It's important to do a self-check and keep a routine and perhaps a log to refer back to daily. 

 

[KayC]

I have a routine but it's the everyday sameness with nothing to look forward to or break the monotony that is getting to me, along with no contact with people.  That and I haven't heard from my kids in quite a while.  It's just me and Kodie (puppy).