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Partner died suddenly while we were seperated


Just want one more minute

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Just want one more minute

My partner, Ryan of 6 years died suddenly and unexpected 15 days ago. He went peacefully in his sleep. Him and I were separated but still together. With that, they are so many unsaid things between us. I miss him so much. I live in the home we made together, he was staying with a friend while we tried to figure "us" out. Living in my home now feels empty. I have a child from a previous relationship. Ryan played the father role to my daughter who is now 11. I am trying so hard to be strong for her. I question how this will affect her later in life, and how she will cope with losing the man that was the only father figure she has known. 

Him and I did everything together. From renovating our home to being in the yard, fishing, boating,anything outdoors. I am distracted when I am at work, but the second I am alone in the car or alone at home, I am so sad and cannot stop thinking about him and accepting that he is actually gone. I do not know how to move forward!

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I am so sorry!  I hope the fact that you were temporarily separated doesn't make you second guess anything...sometimes that is the best thing for a relationship while figuring out how to best proceed.  Hold onto the love you shared and I pray for wisdom in your helping your daughter through this as well.  I hope you'll consider seeing a grief counselor, it's hard to get through without a road map.  Sudden death is very hard...my husband died of a heart attack.

I wrote this a few years ago about the things I've found helpful on my grief journey, hoping something stands out now and something else on down the road...our journey is ever-evolving as we process our grief.  Finding a place such as this was a godsend to me in my early days/years!

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

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I’m so sorry for your loss, that is very painful.

I feel like the hardest part is that one can’t reconcile with their deceased spouse because they are gone from this earthly dimension.
 

My husband and I had a little argument before he died the last words I said to him they were very nice even though he knew that I loved him and he loved me it just hurts me so deeply. Couples bicker, I was headed to find him in yard and make up, had shot himself, I feel like I tipped in that direction. I hate myself every day, every minute, I loved him than anything more than anybody in this whole world. I had no ideas he was feeling so low and out of his head, I will never forgive myself.

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I am sorry for your loss.   I know how badly you are hurting as I lost my husband of 22 years just 1 month ago unexpectedly.   He was only 48.   My 11 year old daughter and I have been struggling to figure out how to navigate a world without him.   He was what made our house a home.  He was our rock, peace keeper and the life of our house.   It is hard to be strong and be strong for someone else too.   I fail at it regularly.   Luckily my daughter is pretty resilient and forgiving.  
 

 

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So glad you have your daughter, she sounds like a God send. At lest you are not alone. Still going to be a horrific journey, God Speed, we are all here with you both! Keep posting and reading, it has kept me alive! 

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7 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

It is hard to be strong and be strong for someone else too.   I fail at it regularly.   Luckily my daughter is pretty resilient and forgiving.  

I'm so glad you and your daughter have each other to help you through this unwelcome and unexpected journey.  The first months can seem so surreal and the pain is so raw and constant.  No one can be strong all the time, not for themselves and not for others.  I sincerely doubt that you are failing, though we all feel that way at times.  I hope you will keep coming here often.

It's amazing how children can give us not just a reason to get out of bed, but so much more.  Our 11 year old granddaughter has been an incredible source of support, comfort, and strength for our daughter.  She can sense when her mom is feeling really down and will come give her a big hug and say, "I'm here mama."  For a few weeks after her grandpa died, she couldn't bring herself to talk to me on the phone because she was so upset and didn't want to make me cry more than I was.  Sure, she's a child and has her want-to-rip-your-hair-out moments, but she's also insightful and compassionate.

Our daughter does not hide her pain and grief, but she doesn't let everything out all the time.  She also always tells her daughter the truth in terms and at a level appropriate for an 11 year old.  I think that was enormously helpful while her adored grandpa was in his last months.  When they came to visit just a couple of weeks before he died, she understood why he was in the hospital and what was happening.  He was concerned that she might be frightened by the changes in him and the hospital surroundings.  I asked our daughter about that; she asked our granddaughter flat out.  Our sweet girl's response?  "Of course not. He's the best grandpa ever. I love him."  Nothing like a then 9 year old to state the truth with no pretense.

((Hugs to you both))

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29 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I'm so glad you and your daughter have each other to help you through this unwelcome and unexpected journey.  The first months can seem so surreal and the pain is so raw and constant.  No one can be strong all the time, not for themselves and not for others.  I sincerely doubt that you are failing, though we all feel that way at times.  I hope you will keep coming here often.

It's amazing how children can give us not just a reason to get out of bed, but so much more.  Our 11 year old granddaughter has been an incredible source of support, comfort, and strength for our daughter.  She can sense when her mom is feeling really down and will come give her a big hug and say, "I'm here mama."  For a few weeks after her grandpa died, she couldn't bring herself to talk to me on the phone because she was so upset and didn't want to make me cry more than I was.  Sure, she's a child and has her want-to-rip-your-hair-out moments, but she's also insightful and compassionate.

Our daughter does not hide her pain and grief, but she doesn't let everything out all the time.  She also always tells her daughter the truth in terms and at a level appropriate for an 11 year old.  I think that was enormously helpful while her adored grandpa was in his last months.  When they came to visit just a couple of weeks before he died, she understood why he was in the hospital and what was happening.  He was concerned that she might be frightened by the changes in him and the hospital surroundings.  I asked our daughter about that; she asked our granddaughter flat out.  Our sweet girl's response?  "Of course not. He's the best grandpa ever. I love him."  Nothing like a then 9 year old to state the truth with no pretense.

((Hugs to you both))

I am the same way with my daughter, I gave her all of the information about her father and let her ask questions of the nurses and doctors when her father was in the ICU before he passed away.   I even gave her the time and space on her own laying down beside him to say her goodbyes and cuddle with her daddy one last time.   I just wish I could take her pain away and mine too for that matter because it sucks.   It hurts so much sometimes that even with medication I feel broken.  I can’t even begin to imagine how to start making things better.   I am just in survival mode.  

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14 hours ago, Just want one more minute said:

I am so sad and cannot stop thinking about him and accepting that he is actually gone. I do not know how to move forward

Welcome.  I'm sorry that you find yourself with us.  You've found a good place to be.  The members here basically saved my life a bit more than a year ago when I was floundering around lost and hopeless.  I'm also sorry to say that what you're feeling is completely normal.  You've had a shock and your mind, heart, and body are still trying to process what's happened.  Acceptance takes a long time and only means that we accept our loss.  It does not mean we're okay with it because it will never be okay.  It's much too soon to expect yourself to move forward.  Grief takes time.  There's no way around it.

Even though you were not living together at the time, you were still a couple.  That the two of you were working on your relationship speaks volumes of the love you share.  You naturally regret the things you did not get to say.  We all do.  We feel regret, guilt, anger, and basically the whole range of emotions, sometimes all at once and all mixed in with the never ending love.

It's okay, healthy even, to talk to him now.  Tell him everything, all the things unsaid, but deeply felt.  I talk to my husband every day and probably always will   It's more than okay to rant and yell and be furious that he was taken from you.  If you believe in God, it's even okay to take your anger to Him (or Her).  What happened to your love and to you was not fair in any way. 

It's good that you are considering the effect your loss will have on your daughter.  In time, you might want to consider counseling for you both.  Don't be afraid to show how you're feeling.  Tell her you're scared about the future, but make sure she remembers how much he loved her and you.  Let her know she can talk to you about her own feelings and fears.  And don't think you need to be strong in front of her all the time.  She knows you're grieving and hurting.  She may be more likely to open up if she sees that you are willing to do the same.

Please come here often.  There are a number of members who are parents with children.  They may be able to give you insights from their own experiences.  At a minimum, you can be sure that they will understand in ways that many others cannot.

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35 minutes ago, jwahlquist said:

I am just in survival mode.  

Right now that is all you should ask of yourself.  "One day at a time" is a cliche because it is true.  In the beginning, it can be one hour and even one minute at a time.  Please don't try to look too far down the road right now.  Just be in the present and understand that feeling broken does not mean that you are weak in any way.  You are human and grieving.

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On 3/4/2020 at 2:30 AM, foreverhis said:

 Acceptance takes a long time and only means that we accept our loss.  It does not mean we're okay with it because it will never be okay.  

Amen!

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Oh I looked up the book, you are the author of this book, interesting...the book is fiction? Sounds like you put a lot of work into your book, good for you.

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  19 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Oh I looked up the book, you are the author of this book, interesting...the book is fiction? Sounds like you put a lot of work into your book, good for you.

It was called to my attention that you ARE the author and you've purported to have been "helped by this book" that you stand to make $ off of!  Your Amazon profile picture is the same as the picture in your profile here.  How wrong to try to use this grief site as a platform to make $ off of unsuspecting grievers!  

 
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19 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Oh I looked up the book, you are the author of this book, interesting...the book is fiction? Sounds like you put a lot of work into your book, good for you.

It was called to my attention that you ARE the author and you've purported to have been "helped by this book" that you stand to make $ off of!  Your Amazon profile picture is the same as the picture in your profile here.  How wrong to try to use this grief site as a platform to make $ off of unsuspecting grievers!  

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

It was called to my attention that you ARE the author and you've purported to have been "helped by this book" that you stand to make $ off of!  Your Amazon profile picture is the same as the picture in your profile here.  How wrong to try to use this grief site as a platform to make $ off of unsuspecting grievers!  

Thanks Kay to both you and Missy1.  I admit to having a bit of a suspicious mind and thought maybe I was overreacting to the uncomfortable feeling her posts gave me.  I'm especially annoyed by having "God will take care of it all" and "You'll be fine if you live by this scripture" shoved at us while we're so vulnerable. 

I was raised Methodist-Episcopal, my husband was raised in the traditional Episcopal church.  But in both our families, we were encouraged to explore other faiths with our friends, so I got to see both the differences and similarities of Christian denominations and well as the Jewish and Buddhist faiths.  We had a progressive (also young and handsome with a pretty wife and two cute kids) minister in our Methodist church.  There were seven places of worship on the same 3 mile long street.  He and the pastors at the Lutheran, Presbyterian, Episcopal, and Baptist churches got together with the priests at the Catholic church and the rabbis at the synagogue to hold all-faiths gatherings two or three times a year.  We even had multi-faith young group dances and gatherings every few months.  It helped us all see each other simply as people trying to do our best in the world.

My husband determined that the loving essence of most faiths boiled down to The Golden Rule; I determined that when you take away the ritual and dogma, all faiths were originally based on trying to understand the universe and what it means to be human in an often confusing, difficult world.  We raised our daughter to explore various religions to find what spoke to her.  And though we walked away from organized religion long ago, we never lost our spirituality and faith that there is something more, something greater, a mysterious force that binds us together.  That's why I know in my heart of hearts that when it's my time, I will be with my love once again.  I don't need or want anyone preaching to me about it.

Sorry, went off on a little rant there.  But again, thank you for pointing it out and addressing this particular person and her agenda.

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21 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Oh I looked up the book, you are the author of this book, interesting...the book is fiction? Sounds like you put a lot of work into your book, good for you.

Missy1,  I love the way you call her out in such a clever way.  Well spotted.

Please stay safe and well through all the current trauma in the world and the pain and sadness in your life.  Keep coming here.  I promise that over time it will help.  I didn't think I could ever get through those first months and almost didn't, if I'm honest.  Once I found the people here, I knew I'd found a place where I'd be understood and not judged.

Sending you big, warm, comforting hugs.

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Hello everyone again, I did not mean to offend anyone especially gary'sgirl, seeing what I shared about my loss was real. But I was not looking for unsuspecting grievers to exploit as KayC says. Actually, I came to this site intentionally to find grievers because of my experience so I could share my story with them to help them through the healing process. Although I wrote the book in fiction the experience was all real, my husband died and got buried while I was in another country and God got me through. I just thought saying I was the author, would have made you think my story wasn't a real experience and for that I am sorry. It was not my intention to hurt you more than you are. My experience was a lonely one and there wasn't such things as forums for me to share with others but writing the story was a healing process for me. I do want to say it will get better.

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@foreverhis thank you for your kindness. I am starting to live in this world, still have dark thoughts and a plan but don’t have a set date. I am trying every day, like all of us I am sure. We are all fragile and so much going on, jobs being lost, quarantine and more death. Let’s hope to God we who are already hurting do not have to endure more. I genuinely care about people here.

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18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I don't need or want anyone preaching to me about it.

That's how it hit me when Valerie was on here, I know people excused it but I've seen her on here time and again using this as a platform to proselytize and although I am a Christian I do not feel this is the time/place for that, people are vulnerable in their grief and they need to be heard and understood w/o motive or agenda.  I just want to be here for them.  Everyone needs to show respect for others and not assume a religion or stance.  And as for this last person, her making $ on her book was her agenda.  Enough said, hoping we can move on from this.

 

11 hours ago, Missy1 said:

still have dark thoughts and a plan but don’t have a set date.

Oh Missy, please hang in there...we don't want anything to happen to you, give yourself a chance to make your way through this.  Please, that's all I ask.  It can take a long while, just hold on.  There is more life for you, I know you can't see that right now.  I know you to be a caring person, you've shown that here.  Be your own best friend.  It took me years to learn that, but it's so important.

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On 4/2/2020 at 5:17 PM, meg22 said:

But I was not looking for unsuspecting grievers to exploit as KayC says.

Your actions speak for themselves.  

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