Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Irritation & inappropriateness


Jttalways

Recommended Posts

  • Members

So I’ve been in a really dark place. But I am able to put a “mask” on. For me it’s easier to just pretend I’m doing fine, to smile and nod, than to discuss what I’m really going thru. I’ve always been private about my feelings and usually internalize them. Everyone at work has been getting on my nerves. They are all so nosey. If I’m having a bad day they’ll ask “what’s wrong” and probe. So instead of dealing with that, I put my “mask” on and act super busy with work so they leave me alone. For 12 years I had a position where I worked alone 90% of the time and I miss that. I hate working with people. A man at my work just retired. He’s about 25-30 years older than me and his wife passed away 6 months before my husband did. His retirement party was this past Friday and he proceeded to hit on me while a group of us were having drinks. I smiled and laughed off the inappropriate comments, but inside I was bristling with anger. It was doubly disrespectful because this guy just went thru what I went thru last year and he’s sooo much older than me, not to mention he’s in horrible physical shape. It made me feel very uncomfortable. None of my coworkers thought to step in or try to change the subject. One of these coworkers even teased me about it after and I’m sure she will continue to tease me about it in the future. Also last week some long time family friends joked around and said I should date their single brother. It really pisses me off. I’m so sick of these stupid people and I don’t want to be around any of them. Sorry just had to vent.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am sorry people are being thoughtless and making your life harder than it already is.   I would be upset too if that happened.   I certainly can’t even imagine thinking about moving on not now after just a month and not in the years to come.  It certainly isn’t a joking matter.   
 

I guess the part that blows me away is that the man would do that and not be understanding of your situation since as you said he had just gone through it last year.  I guess everyone grieves and moves on differently.  I am still at a loss as to why he would think it was ok.  
 

I try to be more honest with people now.  My answer to the “how are you?” questions is always not great but alive.   Sometimes I tell them why and sometimes I just respond and move on. If I put on a mask and pretend to be fine I will end up snapping at some point.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
31 minutes ago, jwahlquist said:

If I put on a mask and pretend to be fine I will end up snapping at some point.  

Yes I can very easily see myself snapping. I just want some space. It’s not easy to distance myself at work since I have to be there and everyone is so intrusive. This is the last time I socialize with anyone outside of work. The only reason I did was because it was a special occasion. I’ve worked with this coworker for 4 years and I thought he was a nice guy until he acted inappropriately. His wife passed away in August 2019. At work, we had spoke to each about our grief and coping. I heard he moved on pretty quickly and has been dating. He’s in his 60s and I just turned 37. He made inappropriate comments like “I can be your sugar daddy.” He had been drinking, but that’s still no excuse. It pissed me off very much. My husband only passed away 5 months ago, I do not see myself moving on any time soon or probably ever! Maybe because of my “mask,” people think I’m “moving on.” In no way, shape or form am I moving on. Like I said, I don’t like to show emotion. I have always been this way. I miss my husband all the time. I think about him all the time. Not a minute goes by where I am not thinking of him even though it is very painful for me to speak or think of my husband. My mind is refusing to comprehend that he is gone. I am completely heartbroken.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
10 hours ago, Jttalways said:

So I’ve been in a really dark place. But I am able to put a “mask” on. For me it’s easier to just pretend I’m doing fine, to smile and nod, than to discuss what I’m really going thru. I’ve always been private about my feelings and usually internalize them. Everyone at work has been getting on my nerves. They are all so nosey. If I’m having a bad day they’ll ask “what’s wrong” and probe. So instead of dealing with that, I put my “mask” on and act super busy with work so they leave me alone. For 12 years I had a position where I worked alone 90% of the time and I miss that. I hate working with people. A man at my work just retired. He’s about 25-30 years older than me and his wife passed away 6 months before my husband did. His retirement party was this past Friday and he proceeded to hit on me while a group of us were having drinks. I smiled and laughed off the inappropriate comments, but inside I was bristling with anger. It was doubly disrespectful because this guy just went thru what I went thru last year and he’s sooo much older than me, not to mention he’s in horrible physical shape. It made me feel very uncomfortable. None of my coworkers thought to step in or try to change the subject. One of these coworkers even teased me about it after and I’m sure she will continue to tease me about it in the future. Also last week some long time family friends joked around and said I should date their single brother. It really pisses me off. I’m so sick of these stupid people and I don’t want to be around any of them. Sorry just had to vent.

That is horrifying, I am mortified that people can be such idiots! We always had our love to come home to, they were our refuge from unkind idiots! So sorry you had to endure that. I turned down the office happy hour and farewell invitations, I am emotionally fragile I hate breaking down in front of people.

Try to find some kind, safe people to hang with. I found a couple of people who seem to be nice. I have had drinks with them. Everyone is a bit off, no one has their **** together they just pretend everyday.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
12 hours ago, Jttalways said:

It really pisses me off. I’m so sick of these stupid people and I don’t want to be around any of them.

Nothing wrong with your venting.  I would have snapped at him and them too and told them in my heart I'm still married to my husband!  So inappropriate.  Not everyone whose husband dies wants to hook up with the first one that comes along, not a good idea anyway.  It's not a joking matter, honestly, I'd be pissed too!

11 hours ago, Jttalways said:

He made inappropriate comments like “I can be your sugar daddy.”

Response:  "Is this what you want me to report to HR?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, KayC said:

Nothing wrong with your venting.  I would have snapped at him and them too and told them in my heart I'm still married to my husband!  So inappropriate.  Not everyone whose husband dies wants to hook up with the first one that comes along, not a good idea anyway.  It's not a joking matter, honestly, I'd be pissed too!

Response:  "Is this what you want me to report to HR?"

I would have used that but the guy just retired. He probably would have laughed and said "go ahead." Normally I dont hang out with my coworkers outside of work, this was a special circumstance. Now I will definitely not hang out with them in the future. 

 

3 hours ago, Missy1 said:

We always had our love to come home to, they were our refuge from unkind idiots!

I miss this so much. Every time i come home from anywhere i wish i was coming home to my husband. I wish i could talk to him about all these things. I am constantly having dreams where I am telling him all about the latest happenings and gossip. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
14 hours ago, Jttalways said:

Sorry just had to vent.

Please, please never feel like you have to apologize to us.  If anyone can understand, it's us.  And I think I'm safe in saying we've all had those days and those feelings.  I know I have.  I had to have a little chat with my beloved SIL (husband's sister), to whom we have always been close, when she said something like, "Well, people who know you are asking sincerely."  I explained, with as little frustration as I could, that it doesn't matter that I know that.  I hear it all freaking day as the social banter it's become.  My knee jerk reaction inside is, "I lost the love of my life.  How the hell do you think I am, you complete moron?"  I told her that wording it differently could help or maybe even asking something else entirely.  She seemed to understand, but we'll see.

I too have long internalized many of my emotions.  TBH, that was one of my great faults with my husband.  I'd internalize an irritation, it would fester, and then it would come out much harsher than intended later.  I worked hard on changing, but I'd grown up being expected to suck it up and be "the good girl" of the family, so it was a hard habit to break.  No matter how frustrated he was with me, my love would call me on it without recrimination or he'd just be silent until I realized I was being an idiot.  Combined with the fact that I have a hard time crying in front of anyone, even family and close friends, it means that I still internalize a lot. 

Plus, how many people in our lives can actually "understand" how we feel?  I really hate that one.  I had TV on in the background and that movie Calendar Girls was on.  There's this great scene toward the end where the character who lost her husband to cancer finally has it out with her best friend.  She says something like, "I'd rob every penny from this calendar to have one more hour with him.  You've still got yours and you're in Hollywood!" 

At my age, I haven't really gotten the inappropriate "Why don't you move on?" reactions.  Our grief is so uncomfortable for others that they want to "fix" us or return us to how we were before.  That's never going to happen.  My goodness, it's been barely 6 months for you.  Still, I'm not surprised people are behaving this way.  They don't know how to "fix" you and figure that "fixing" you up with someone is the answer.  Of course it isn't. 

I assume you won't have to deal with the now retired coworker again?  If that's the case, you'll probably want to let his comments go.  If you will be seeing him again for some reason, you could take him aside and tell him you are not interested and he must stop.  You might want to tell your coworkers that you find their behavior hurtful and inappropriate.  If they give you the old, "Can't you take teasing/a joke?"  Tell them that losing the love of your life is not a joking matter.  If there's one person you're closer to or trust more than others both at work and with your family friends, you might want to have a one-on-one and calmly explain how much pain, frustration, and anger their casual banter is causing.  Tell that person that you don't expect to be "babied" about it, but you do expect compassion and consideration.

I get how irritating "How are you?" and "What's wrong?" are too.  I mean, inside I'm thinking, "How the hell do you think I am?  I'm dying inside." and "What's wrong?  Seriously?  I lost the love of my life. Is that difficult to comprehend, you complete idiot?"  I don't say those things, but over the past year I've come up with responses that allow me to get my point across without sounding like a crazy person.  I urge you to write down your true feelings when people ask.  Then reword them in a way that people will listen to, but that still gets your point across.  Like, "What's wrong is that I lost the love of my life." or "My heart and life have been shattered." or "I'm having a really hard time with my grief.  Would you like details?" which is, of course, a little snippier, but still not rude.

Just recently I sent an email to our daughter because I'd been out of touch with everyone for a month.  I'd been having a hard time at the 18 month mark and couldn't really explain.  We talked on the phone a couple of days ago and she said she was worried and sad that I'd been having a harder time again.  Then she asked the usual "What's going on?" type things.  I said, "Sweetie, it's impossible to put into words. The reason I change the subject is that you can't understand unless you lose the person you love most in the world.  I don't want you to understand that way." She acknowledged the truth of that and then we talked about many things.  She remembered a talk we had more than a year ago when I was trying to explain how I was feeling and she chimed in again with, "I'm grieving too."  I told her that I'd never minimize her grief, but if she wasn't able to simply listen, I was going to have to stop talking and hang up the phone just then.  She was so stunned that she begged me not to and asked me to talk to her.  So I did and that honesty helped both of us.

Maybe keep the words inappropriate, hurtful, frustrating, painful, and other specific feelings you have in your mind.  Then simply tell people how you feel when they try to set you up with someone, whether seriously or not, or tease you about the retired coworker or act like you should be "moving on."  Of course you don't need to be nasty or rude about it (though they certainly are being rude!), but that doesn't mean you should feel you have to smile and put on the "brave" face or pretend to think it's amusing.  I think in the long run, our superficial brave face does more harm than good.  Still, I have a hard time expressing myself that way too and fall back to that mask, so I'm far from a perfect role model there.

I'm sorry you are dealing with such thoughtlessness on two fronts.  Your family friends should know better, but I get that people don't know what to say or do and so they often say or do stupid things.  If there's one person in the family that you can really confide in, I urge you to do so.  At a minimum you will have expressed your feelings, which is healthy, and maybe, just maybe that person will help others understand that their behavior is hurtful to you.

((Hugs))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
4 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I too have long internalized many of my emotions.  TBH, that was one of my great faults with my husband.  I'd internalize an irritation, it would fester, and then it would come out much harsher than intended later.  I worked hard on changing, but I'd grown up being expected to suck it up and be "the good girl" of the family, so it was a hard habit to break.  No matter how frustrated he was with me, my love would call me on it without recrimination or he'd just be silent until I realized I was being an idiot.  Combined with the fact that I have a hard time crying in front of anyone, even family and close friends, it means that I still internalize a lot. 

Yup, this is me. "Suck it up" was a motto growing up. It is incredibly hard for me to cry in front of anyone since its a "weakness" to me. I have to try harder with my son to not be this way. When he cries its a defense mechanism, an automatic response for me to say "Stop that, you have to be strong. Dad wouldnt want you to cry or be sad." I need to remember its ok to show emotion and I need to let my son express his. I prefer to have my meltdowns in private. I usually hug my husband's urn while i talk and cry to him. 

 

8 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I assume you won't have to deal with the now retired coworker again?  If that's the case, you'll probably want to let his comments go. 

No I do not have to see him again, thank god. You're right, i need to let his comments go. In the moment i was heated, but now i realize theres always going to be some jerk saying something dumb. 

12 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

If there's one person you're closer to or trust more than others both at work and with your family friends, you might want to have a one-on-one and calmly explain how much pain, frustration, and anger their casual banter is causing. 

I told a coworker who wasnt there that day about it this morning and he was appalled. I felt much better after speaking to him. I do have friends and family to speak to that listen and i trust. I am fortunate and i do not take them for granted. Plus i have all of you on here who understand better than anyone else due to our loss. Thank you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I'm glad he's retired and you needn't deal with him anymore.  In the old days someone would have slapped him but can't do that anymore.  It's abhorrent to me that someone would suggest being a sugar daddy to you.  Sick.  I find that offensive on so many levels!  

At least you have one coworker that understands.  Once again, foreverhis' response was perfect.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I'm not sure what would make anyone think that's okay or funny.  I had a similar situation when I was bartending one night.  This much older "regular" customer hit on me.  I worked there during my husband's illness for a while and then took a long time off when things started deteriorating and after Randy passed.  He knew all this.  About 9 months in, I was walking past him and he turned and said, "If I had known it was you, I would have given you a little squeeze."  I told him, "That wouldn't have been a good idea."  He said, "why, you are single."  I said, "I still consider myself married."  His response was, "Well, you're not."  I just turned and walked away.  A. I can consider myself whatever I want, just because the IRS considers me single doesn't mean I feel single.  I still don't.  B.  You are like 100 years old, pervert.  C. Even if I did consider myself single, that doesn't mean you can squeeze me.  Who do you think you are?  I wanted to belt him right off the bar stool and do the world a favor, but I was working.  I saw him many times after and he never said anything like that to me again.  Just because YOU are ready for me to date again doesn't mean I am ready to date again. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

It would have taken a lot of restraint for me to not belt him, and I'm not a violent person!  I'm sure I'd have thought of a snippy response...LATER!  Why can't I think of them on the fly!  Oh well, I guess it's best to ignore such people, some of them thrive off responses, even negative ones.  But oh God, it makes you mad!

Years after George died one of his former friends contacted me and wanted to date me.  So not interested!  He said he thought George would get a kick out of it.  Hell no, he wouldn't!  He passed away a couple years later.  He was younger than George.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Moment2moment

I've been gone awhile, so I read this with interest. Honestly, I don't see how you all have put up with all this.

I have concluded myself that most people are so self absorbed and insensitive that it is almost tragic.

Superficial, shallow, cold, stupid- whatever you want to call it. They say whatever blurts out of their mouths and could care less how it effects others.

Or they act like things are just peachy keen, like nothing ever happened.

I am glad that I live alone with my dog companions. I don't talk about my loss except here and with one close friend.

I am retired so I don't have to be around people if I don't want to. Not one member of her family has ever acknowledged her death. To hell with them.

I don't care anymore what people think and I keep to myself regarding my grief. It is so much easier this way.

It is no one's business but mine and my love's and God who has gotten me this far and sustains me every day.

Y'all take care and "don't let the bastards get you down"!

Love,

Lily Bell

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
9 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

Not one member of her family has ever acknowledged her death

That's horrible!  I have no words.  How can you not acknowledge someone's death?  I wouldn't want anything to do with them either.  But there are people out there who will support you.  This is not an easy road and to not have your loss acknowledged would be heartbreaking and it would make me bitter.  The greatest fear I have had through all of this is that our life, our love and Randy's life would be forgotten.  I know you are handling your grief your way but I am so sorry. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 3/6/2020 at 9:00 AM, Rhonda R said:

 B.  You are like 100 years old, pervert.  

LOL. That's how i felt. I dont want anyone hitting on me period, even if they're young & hot. But especially not someone who is 25+ years older than me and extremely unattractive.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My husband used to say that some people just can't help themselves and when they open their mouth stupid just falls out. I try to remember this when people try to tell me how I should be moving on or you are still young enough to find someone else.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
On 3/6/2020 at 9:00 AM, Rhonda R said:

You are like 100 years old, pervert.

That's how I felt about my 85 year old stalker!  And to have someone at the senior site chide me for not just letting everything go back to normal, I felt victimized all over again.  I got mad at her and told her that her response was 1000% inappropriate!  I told her to talk to her daughter about it and get her take on it (her daughter was in charge of the kitchen there and a generation younger that would get it.)  I stormed off.  I have no tolerance for such ignorance.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.