Nothing makes sense anymore

[Numbness4]

So my mum passed away on the 24/06/2019 unexpectedly. It was a complete shock.

I married in may last year and moved to Spain. 

My mum had a serve bad back and doctors had her on opium based medication. She died due to this accidental overdose because she’d been on them for such a longtime and her prescription was forever changing.

Before my mum died my dads best friend died 9 weeks prior. My dad was supporting his friend who died GF (call her W) throughout this process along with my mum. The relationship between my dad and this woman began to bother my mum. My mum was depressed lacked confidence etc. My dad would spend hours on the phone to this lady and would do things he wouldn’t for my mum.

This lady saw this man twice a week for a couple of hours not married or living together. Very much separate lives. 
 

2 weeks before my mum died she was in tears about this constantly.

She then died. After this. My dad brings her to the mortuary, let’s her sit in front row, come to our House for the wake. She did nothing but talk about herself and her life of crime and blowing her mums house up as well as hating her daughter.

as time goes on she was in my dads hot tub and then going out for my mum and dads anniversary with him.

he brings this woman to Spain to my house as I have no back bone and didn’t want to upset him by telling him no. I feel I’ve disrespected my mum massively.

while said woman was here she was ‘throwing up’ daily broke my boiler run me out of water (I have a well) messed my house up had the police ambulance and doctor where I live. She dehydrated herself on purpose, to get a shot of morphine. She delayed going home for the day. Told me how my dads ex partner thought they were sleeping together and how she knew biological,y I wasn’t his.

then go home I travel back before Christmas and have it out with my dad he wouldn’t talk while with her reply to messages etc. We made up everything’s good with my dad.

 

thats the W part we will call her.

 

after my mum passed he wouldn’t let me go through anything, have anything that smelt of her etc. I did the speech, I organised the wake decorated the hall sorted the buffet etc.

 

i was my mother pride and joy her miracle. 
 

now I never said anything as I didn’t want to hurt him more than he was.
 

bring you to present day my dad booked flights to come see me. I’m massively excited!

 

two days before he comes he text me to tell me he’s dating. I now feel numb uncertain of what to think I then reply asking him questions of who this lady is. My husband and mother-in-law try to consume my feelings sure that this relationship is Nothing serious. Anxious to find out more I wait for him to arrive.

He’s here. So I am have a chat with him, I pretend I’m happy for him and I can see he is a different person no more sorrow or sadness in his eyes. The feeling in my heart is unbearable I stay quiet reassuring him that I am happy for him. I then find out that he is told this woman he has known for three weeks that I am not biologically his daughter this broke my heart. His reason he told me that he told her was because she has children 11,14 & 22 he said it was so she trust him. These children have a dad I don’t see why my father needed to tell this lady this information. Also he spoke about how my mother was an addict she tried to commit suicide in previous years one attempt with severe depression from gaining weight from the new medication she had started for her back he told me after this attempt of hers he felt very differently towards her he didn’t feel the same anymore. He told his new lady that used to fight all the time this isn’t true. Yes my mum was addicted to the medication but nobody in the medical profession tried to help her even when we asked for help. My dad struggled to tell me that he’d always love her and always Mr to prompt it out with him I haven’t spoken to him in over two weeks I feel since my mothers death he’s been nothing but selfish I have put his feelings before mine his grief his morning all his wants and needs.

 

while here he told me that he was falling in love with this woman that she bring something out of him that he hasn’t felt in a long time. This woman has she’s in a relationship on Facebook and believe that she has pressured my dad into telling me because her children already knew.

 

my dad struggled to tell me that he’d always love her and always miss her to prompt it out with him I haven’t spoken to him in over two weeks I feel since my mother’s death he’s been nothing but selfish I have put his feelings before mine he’s grief his morning all his wants and needs.

 

Since speaking with him before not talking to him and he told me he would always be there and I’m his number one priority this is not true. I rang him in a desperate time and when I told him I would go and try and clear my head and I’d call him later he told me the signal would no longer be in service this is because he was going to see his new lady. I wish she didn’t lie about his signal. I needed him that day and he wasn’t there for me I told him I didn’t see the point in living anymore I didn’t know what my purpose was. That nightIt got worse are use the razor blade and I flung it at my arm over and over again not looking just wanting to cut and cut and cut and edit. Is the most human life out through this whole process I could feel what about real pain felt like I could see where the pain was coming from but it didn’t stop the pain in my heart.

 

 It got worse are use the razor blade and I flung it at my arm over and over again not looking just wanting to cut and cut and cut and end it. It’s the most human life out through this whole process I could feel what that real pain felt like I could see where the pain was coming from but it didn’t stop the pain in my heart.

 

There is a lot going on in this past seven months since my motherThat I haven’t put on here that be too much but I hope I put enough it’s a struggle every day trying to understand what’s happened and how quickly people can move on and leave behind something they’ve had a A lifetime of memories with. I may not be biologically my dad’s not many people know this but he is my dad and it pains me to see him be so cold and selfish towards me.

 

A lifetime of memories with. I may not be biologically my dad’s not many people know this but he is my dad and it pains me to see him being so cold and selfish towards me.

 

I have no question really on this post I just wonder if anybody has any coping mechanisms for me that may help in my time of need My chest feels tight I have great anxiety to the point I can’t breathe I feel emotionally unstable and so angry the anger never goes neither does the pain in my heart it still feels more as the night I received a phone call. The one person I thought would at least be there for me isn’t And doesn’t understand that I need him more than ever put my cries obviously not loud enough he’s made me feel worthless and a burden all I did was put him first and try to make him feel better and in return I put myself in a box with my feelings that I am now struggling to understand and cope with.

 

 

 

Thank you for reading

[reader]

Dear Numbness,

I am terribly sorry for your loss and everything you have done through. For additional supports, I don't know if you are interested in grief counselling or seeing supports through church or in the community. I also found these websites helpful:

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

Grief Recovery Method.

Thinking of you.

[Mark Coz]

Dear (numbness4), ill call you "S", 

Dear S,

I have read your whole story. And im truly sorry that this is happening your life situation. I want to point out a view things.. Mr "w" isnt dealing with grief, hes coping, fleeing and not correcting. He's living from his pain body and seeking validation outwards. He didnt take the time to heal, correct and become a man for his daughter and for himself. Im sure that if he could he would want to make different choises but there is probably no great influence or direction in his life do even point in this direction. This is mr "W" problem and will probably and unfortunately stay with him for the rest of his life. This isnt your burdon to hold.

I understand you care for your father( i just gonna call it father now, for easy communication purposes ) due to the history you have together. You wish from this person especially to have support and care and if thats lacking it hurts. You caring for him is okay, but don't protect him. By protecting him you are not staying true to yourself and this is the most painful part. He is a grown man and you can say what you believe and stand your ground with calmness though. Communicating in emotion is never a good way. But thats an whole other topic.. anyways..

You should assume that everyone can take care of themselves (although sometimes they can't and a lesson is to be learned). You feel you are not paying your mother the respect that she deserves by complying and protecting your father. My advice is stay true to yourself and speak truth with calmness. It doens't matter if you hurt him. It's his responsibily to deal with his emotions. Ofcourse don't fight. Thats why i emphasize communicatie with calm believe. 

It's time to protect yourself and believe you are worth it protecting. Let me tell you.. you are worth it to be protected. Allow yourself to do it. Its not okay that someone comes to spain and makes a mess and a scene and make just trouble and **** you dont want in your life. Becareful who you allow around yourself. It might be a lonely time for a while but its way better than emotional rage en distress. You moved to Spain for a reason. I looks like a new start. 

Believe in yourself. You can and there is Always light and people who want to help you.  This above is mostly about the part of your life situation that has become stressfull (to say the least) after your moms passing, but how are you dealing with the passing of your mom in itself?

Looking forward to your reaction. feel free to pm if you want.

 

[Numbness4]

Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to respond.

 

i no longer have a relationship with my father. He told me he was going to scatter my mums ashes without me after I begged for her ashes being her only child. He agreed. Due to COVID and living out of the UK my mum and all of her belongings he took to my mother in laws. He just packed her stuff and dumped it. 
 

he hasn’t packed all id of liked there’s things like her cup, pillow case small things he hasn’t included for me. I imagine have now been thrown away. 
also I now believe his GF has moved in with him and is agreeing fully with what he’s doing to me.

 

i told him exactly how I felt as he kept poking me I said I’d talk when I was ready but he didn’t want to wait, so I told him. I sent him the message that’s been sat in my notes for a long time now.

 

his response was telling me how ashamed he was he never bought me up like this etc etc.

 

 

ive included the message.

 

 

 

“I don’t even know where to begin.

 

I’ve held so much inside of me and still do everyday. Before mum passed, it was all about Wendy. You know this I had her in tears on the phone asking why you didn’t want to spend that time with her, how Wendy’s needs were put before hers!! yes you was there for her because of John I get that but your wife was calling out for you!! For god sake you was calling to ask if we could get rihipnol and Wendy was getting speed for her!? Still baffles me to do this day!! 

 

Then she passed away. 

 

You then sat me down in the back garden and told me, ‘don’t take this the wrong way but you’ve just lost your mum, I have lost my best friend, wife and soulmate’ funny thing is who’s hurting still and who will always hurt?! ME! 

 

You can’t EVER REPLACE your mum!! 

 

So I get back, we see mum. Then again Wendy’s there at the mortuary. On the front row. At the wake, telling everyone all about her fucked up life and world at MY MUMS wake where We are supposed to talk about mum!! Then back at the house all she does is talk over you and again more about fucking John, her daughter all the rest of BS. 

 

Then I come back, you and Wendy are supporting each other.  She’s then in the hot tub, going out for your anniversary meal. She’s at your house when your going to work to decorate your bedroom. She’s there when you get home. You dont answer my calls or text when with her. 

 

Then I leave it say nothing as I don’t want to add to your pain. So I let it festa all this stuff building up inside of me. 

 

You bought her to Spain, I had to look after her the whole time!! Dayne was getting up in the middle of the night to sort the electric, we never got any sleep!! She bought the police to my house when I have 6 illegal dogs and no papers. She was an attention seeking cunt! Bottom line no sick and caused her self to dehydrate on purpose!! She didn’t want to go home. When she obviously realised she wasn’t getting morphine then she felt better!! Oh and not only this she also mentioned how I wasn’t your child, how your ex partner accused you of sleeping together.

 

I had to dress a naked women I don’t know and drag her out the bath 2 months after I found out about my mum! I didn’t need it!! 

 

She was rude no one else could speak. Always the same stories! Same ****!! I felt uncomfortable in my own home like I couldn’t talk.

 

I come back to England before Christmas we have it out.

You tell me no never will happen in that way for you two she’s just helping me through it. I say ok. We make up.

 

You come out here, but before all this i continue to tx and ring. Slightly annoying we spoke about everything cleared the air and then you go back to avoiding calls. I spoke to you about this. Just because you are ok doesn’t mean I am! 

 

Then I find out your dating, another massive shock!!! only 7 months on but realistically 6months. I cannot believe how easy it was for you to move on so quickly. One minute you worship the ground mum walks on the next you didn’t feel the same since mum tried to commit suicide. And you haven’t felt this way in years this new woman opened something up inside of you. Those were your words. 

 

Mum was an addict. You wasn’t happy. But now you’ve found that. Other than You maybe lacking someone to be intermate with. What was the sudden rush to fall in love so soon so quickly!? How was it so easy to replace someone you’ve been with 26/27 years!? 

I understand people move forward and you can’t put a time on it. HOWEVER you’ve known the woman 5 minutes. You’ve told her I’m not yours!! You have any idea what that’s done to my head let alone my heart!? I hadn’t told dayne! But he knows now because you made me feel worthless, like a Pawn in your game to give you an advantage because she’s got kids!! Are you planning to play daddy!? Because I was under the impression they’ve all got a dad! Did you tell her about Ellis and cleo?! Or that cleo called trying to rekindle the relationship!? Or just the bit about how you took me on!? That’s between me and you no one else ever needed to know!! I’m already in so much pain, my heads constantly  scrambled. And you just add fuel each and every time to it.  You so quickly and easily got rid of Wendy for your gf. Not for mum! 

 

I couldn’t even get you to willing say you will always love mum you miss her nothing you mentioned nothing on her birthday!! It’s obvious you’ve moved on in a big way. 

 

I can’t give you my blessing! What I’ve said to you is all for your benefit!! 

 

I’ve tried this whole time to make sure you was ok, I did the speech because you couldn’t I helped with the arrangements. Was riddled with guilt because I was so far from you!! When she just died you kept everything that smelt of her I wasn’t allowed anything, I wasn’t allowed to touch or go through anything!! She was mine before she was yours! You denied me of that! But I just went along with it not wanting to hurt or upset you!! 

 

You’ve been selfish and continue to be. Whether you see it or not. Our relationship isn’t the same. I’m not sure it ever will be! And I’ve been so scared to lose you that I just keep quiet and keep filling myself with more pain and anger.

 

Well I can’t take it anymore. I called you for help! Your only answer is come

Off the weed which I did. Then come home. 

 

That night I lost it, completely went crazy! I’m a broken mess!! I wanted to end everything. Even though I love my husband and my dogs. My inside felt like they couldn’t take anymore! Your response at the end of the call when I said I’ll call later was, ‘i might have no signal’

Well what a load of crap!! Is your new GF already more important than me!? Her needs are obviously way more to you than mine are.  I’ve got scars all down my arm, I grabbed the razor that night and just flung it at my arm over and over again! I didn’t look I just cut my arm again and again it’s the most normal and human I’ve felt! It was almost a relief from all of it. I didn’t want to be here! I wanted to die! 

 

The first time I called after you left you told me you can call me anytime and I’ll always be there. First time you never answered your phone took 3 hours to call back. The whole time you was here you was txing your new bird so why answering my calls or replying is so god damn hard I don’t know!!

 

I asked if you could help with my counselling as clearly I need it. I’ve managed to have 1 and Lauretta gave me 15 minutes free. That’s it though far as it went. 

 

So when have you been there for me is my question!?

 

You are ok playing happy families but what about me!? Or am I being boxed up and put to the side!? If I’m honest I’d rather know exactly where I stand!

 

You’ve not reached out. You’ve not tried to see how I’m doing. 

 

I just can’t believe I always thought of you as my hero my number 1 man and in less that 8 months youve managed to completely destroy that imagine. I don’t feel like I know who you are anymore!!

 

The worst thing is, I can’t feel mum anyway! I can only imagine what she’d be feeling and thinking!! I remember her asking why you couldn’t hug her or cuddle her. No matter what I always stuck up for you!

 

But truth is the one person who I could rely on no matter what and especially without judgement was my mum!!

 

I’d like to bring mum to Spain, she never did get to come. I’d like her ashes. 

 

I’m not sure where this leaves us. But you’ve made your feelings towards me very clear. They always say actions are louder than words and yours truly have been. 

 

And now you’ve messaged me to let me know your going to scatter my mums ashes. You are creating an argument out of nothing. I haven’t been in contact with you. Perhaps I need a bit of time to digest but as you can see above you’ve only ever been selfish over the past 8 months. So you wouldn’t understand this.

 

Instead you messaged me putting words into my mouth. Instead of doing what everybody would agree is the right thing in doing what mum would want not me or you. Just another selfish move.

 

When have you ever given me an apology for any of this!? And you want one for what exactly!?“

Thanks again for getting in touch it’s a long road ahead with my grief just starting for two parents now not one.

 

stay safe, and well. My thoughts with you all xx