Members nuvar Posted March 2, 2020 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2020 in order to atone for my sins.. that i need to suffer more and be stricken with the disease as my retribution for making the wrong choices. i cant see any more point in life, my dreams were centered around my mum and dad and now that shes gone in the worst way i cant forgive myself and my dad is demented, sometimes im ok until i realise im all alone i cant move on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AlexLeonardi Posted March 2, 2020 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2020 nuvar, my heart is with you. No words from me could make up for the loss you feel. However, you write about your mother with reverence. It seems to me like she would want you to live your life to the fullest. Have you considered speaking to a counselor? Many of them have a lot of compassion and would be able to help you navigate through your grief and loss. I'm praying for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nicole-my grief journey Posted March 5, 2020 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2020 Nuvar, Thinking of you. I actually think you often and hope you’re doing ok. I feel like we’ve been on our grief journey together through a lot of our sharing, posts and timeline if loss. Not sure if any thing I write below will be helpful, I just want you to know I have feelings like you do. I have practiced letting go and forgiving myself and everyone involved. It’s hard. I mediate for a moment on that every day. I have circling thoughts about the choices I had to make for my mom, her care, all the f’d up things that happened and the loss of control and dr’s and staff not being above board with me. I’ve done some EMDR sessions since losing my mom and also Reiki, but the EMDR and CBT with my therapist has been the thing to slow those torturous thoughts and they have stopped constantly recurring in my mind. When I’m super low they come up, but when I’m sticking with my somewhat routine I’ve set up to regain anchoring (stuff like work, appts, errands, my daily walk) I cope better. My dad is not full Alzheimer’s but he repeats himself, loses things constantly, repeats conversations, leaves water running and has flooded the bathroom several times, left the oven on and fallen asleep and I worry about him constantly. He can’t hear, won’t communicate about what’s going on and has denial. This causes me anxiety and paralyzes me at times. That’s when I know that no matter what I need to take those walks and have a moment to myself. You are a warrior Nuvar. Keep going no matter what. Keep sharing. I sending positive thoughts of change for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nuvar Posted March 7, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted March 7, 2020 On 3/5/2020 at 7:18 PM, Nicole-my grief journey said: Nuvar, Thinking of you. I actually think you often and hope you’re doing ok. I feel like we’ve been on our grief journey together through a lot of our sharing, posts and timeline if loss. Not sure if any thing I write below will be helpful, I just want you to know I have feelings like you do. I have practiced letting go and forgiving myself and everyone involved. It’s hard. I mediate for a moment on that every day. I have circling thoughts about the choices I had to make for my mom, her care, all the f’d up things that happened and the loss of control and dr’s and staff not being above board with me. I’ve done some EMDR sessions since losing my mom and also Reiki, but the EMDR and CBT with my therapist has been the thing to slow those torturous thoughts and they have stopped constantly recurring in my mind. When I’m super low they come up, but when I’m sticking with my somewhat routine I’ve set up to regain anchoring (stuff like work, appts, errands, my daily walk) I cope better. My dad is not full Alzheimer’s but he repeats himself, loses things constantly, repeats conversations, leaves water running and has flooded the bathroom several times, left the oven on and fallen asleep and I worry about him constantly. He can’t hear, won’t communicate about what’s going on and has denial. This causes me anxiety and paralyzes me at times. That’s when I know that no matter what I need to take those walks and have a moment to myself. You are a warrior Nuvar. Keep going no matter what. Keep sharing. I sending positive thoughts of change for you. goodness, we are rather similar in our situations. i hope u stay sane, my thoughts are with you, let me know if u need a listening ear Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nuvar Posted March 20, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted March 20, 2020 i hate my relatives, esp my aunts. my uncle's wife who owes my. mum money. i have pure hate, loathe and disgust for them. they pinned my mum's demise on me, saying i made the wrong decisions, but told me the doctors are faultless because one of them, their son is a high flying scholar and the other has a daughter who is a doctor. i feel i let my mum down that i never tried or made it to become a high flier. i hate myself for many things. my mind is driven purely by hate and vengeance. my dad is deteriorating. everything is hopeless. i really hate to take revenge against them. i wish they die in the worst ever way possible and i will dedicate my life to that. on the other hand, another doctor investigating the case, threw my case out. i googled and found that he worked on research papers with the doctor im fighting against. this means he isnt impartial, hes just trying to throw my case out to help the other doctor. in view of the covid situation, this isnt helping as well coz i only got 30 days to appeal to the minister. they had told me they needed up till 9 months, but for my case decided everything within a month. they called my attempt a vexatious one. im going up against these big wigs. those 2 doctors are corrupt but i cant prove it. they are scratching each others' back. can someone help me use a better word or phrase instead of using the word to describe it? i hate all these people so much. i want revenge and nothing else Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nuvar Posted April 19, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted April 19, 2020 Up again......... have not been feeling so well recently. Im in Singapore for those who do not know yet. My dad got a place in nursing home but I rejected it. And my job's in jeopardy (boss owes me over 20k) Now the economy is in shambles....... looking for new job I keep thinking of the past and how I screwed up and my mum. I feel very guilty over the decisions I made. I dont know when or how am I going to let go. My case against the other doctor was dismissed by the medical council coz everyone is dealing with the COVID. The doctor investigating him was his colleague and they worked together before so it's as dumb as it gets. Sent an email to the health minister, highest authority in Singapore but I think it would get thrown out too I dont really know what sort of closure I am seeking Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members reader Posted April 21, 2020 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2020 Dear Nuvar, I wanted to write and say I'm still thinking of you. I don't think any son could love his mum more than you. The guilt is deep. I feel that way too and it has taken me almost 4 years and there are still moments I dwell on it. I wish so much life was easier and more fair. I"m sorry to hear how hard it has been on you and your dad. So many times I wish I could wave a wand and make things better for so many of us. Keep doing the best you can. I know it sometimes doesn't feel like it but it will get better. Take care, my friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nuvar Posted April 27, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted April 27, 2020 On 4/22/2020 at 12:07 AM, reader said: Dear Nuvar, I wanted to write and say I'm still thinking of you. I don't think any son could love his mum more than you. The guilt is deep. I feel that way too and it has taken me almost 4 years and there are still moments I dwell on it. I wish so much life was easier and more fair. I"m sorry to hear how hard it has been on you and your dad. So many times I wish I could wave a wand and make things better for so many of us. Keep doing the best you can. I know it sometimes doesn't feel like it but it will get better. Take care, my friend. i think it's wrong to say that...... i love my mum and caused her misery thats why i feel the guilt. and i've seen many other children doing the same or more for their mum/dad. im probably doing this partly out of guilt - that we subjected her to these and we took it too positively and lightly... that we trusted the doctors too much hence i cant find closure how are everyone else keeping up with the COVID situation? i just got my pay cut again........ now im left with like 2/3 of my pay...... first cut was in October frankly i dont know what i am doing. and now the temples/places of worship are locked. i really wish to go visit her yet at the same time i am worried for my dad and my job..... i just cant seem to find the motivation at all. if i were to get sick i might feel it's a blessing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nuvar Posted May 2, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted May 2, 2020 I think I have PTSD and not complicated grief Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nuvar Posted May 8, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted May 8, 2020 With my mum gone and my dad going to a nursing home, it really seems that my life has lost all meaning I dont see the point of many things. I wonder why do people get so happy and lucky........... they get a career, a family...........then yes they lose their parents slowly Compared to my friends and relatives i have none of the above...........im becoming a recluse and deleting my facebook.............. im sort of done........... i dont know how or where to pick up the pieces and whats the point of doing so I want my mum back and my dad to be ok. I want my life to restart and to relive........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nuvar Posted May 13, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted May 13, 2020 my last avenue of recourse was rejected..... because my case was dismissed by the previous investigator (doctor), under a specific section I wrote in to Minister of Health and they rejected me again saying they cant investigate because it was dismissed. By right it should be allowed as this is highlighted that the minister is my last avenue for recourse, but the farking corrupted Doctor who knew the other Doctor dismissed my claims and now i cant go anywhere. I wrote back to shoot the ministry and the medical council for being corrupt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Vincent F Posted May 15, 2020 Members Report Share Posted May 15, 2020 Nuvar, I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time. Losing your mom fucking sucks. I still have some guilt regarding some things with my mom. My advice to you is this: Start therapy. I had been in and out of therapy for around 10 years before I started to appreciate it. I would imagine that seeing a licensed therapist would do you far more good than using a grief forum. Using a grief forum can definitely help, but I think you should try therapy as well. All the best, Vincent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nuvar Posted June 21, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted June 21, 2020 Thanks to everyone who read. I posted about my mum here - https://www.facebook.com/convenientfriend/posts/2687700271334551 In a way I dont want to stir this but I dont feel at ease. I am still bogged with guilt rgding my mum and somewhat with dad. Im worried if there would be any repercussions legally or bring other things out. frankly we all know how the world works, elites get away and this is especially true in Singapore. I might become a bit like a targeted individual by the govt because we might be having elections soon and any negative news against the elites might turn against me. they bear grudges. im not a aluminium/tin-cap wearer but this might somewhat have implications on my future. but somehow i cant let it go. Im still struggling with some, or many things. I am caring for my dad and applied for nursing home but he is still able to take care of himself so I feel terrible. He will not want to go to a home, but I dont have the capability to take care of him, but honestly, seeing him at home makes me feel less alone in a way. I guess Im not as strong as many others. On my personal end, things arent so well too. Finances are ok but a bit tight esp with the bad economy now. Trying to find a new job and to stick to my current one. Trying to pick up skills but my mind is still in a mess rgding mum and dad and my other personal issues. I dont know at times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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