Where is the road to freedom?

[Dazed&Confused]

From Robin Trower- Roads to Freedom...

A gypsy sings, of birds with broken wings
And painted wheels that never roll
Who hears the sighs? Who stole this paradise?
Who took the fire from his soul?

And where are the roads to freedom?
Where is the life his father knew?
Where is the love, where is the joy
And tell me, where are the roads to freedom?

 

As I sit here nearly 8 weeks out from the passing of my wife, I realize that I am almost completely paralyzed. Also, I am fighting for my life but not sure if it is even worth living.

I work every day - just got back from the first business trip since my wife died last week - but don't really give a **** about it. It seems so fruitless and unimportant. 

I come here and read some and just now have the energy to post my current state of being.

Winter drags on. Sunshine, when it happens, brings no joy. There is only the emptiness and despair. All while the world goes on seeking only happiness and good times. There is a man I work with, who used to be my boss. He has not uttered one word about the passing of my wife in any means of communication. Maybe he can't face up to it. Maybe he is scared of it. I dunno. Whatever. **** it.

The demons are back - all Saturday I thought of getting some beer and then getting some liquor because it is cold out. It will kill the pain. For now. I didn't, but the urge was stronger than ever. It's like the deal where the devil is on one shoulder and an angel on the other one., but the angel wasn't there. As I was coming back from the grocery store crying, I prayed to God to help me get through it. I feel like he did. I didn't stop at any store to get alcohol.

So now I can sit here, unshowered and unshaven, doing work that doesn't matter except to pay the bills and give to the government so they can waste it on death and bullshit. At least I don't have to put on the "good times" mask and yuk it up with my coworkers, feeling like burning **** the whole time.

Everything in this house is pretty much as it was the day she died. Purse still hanging where she left it. Shoes right where she took them off. Clothes right where she left them. I think the only thing that will change it at this point is a natural disaster or a fire. 

 

Really DAC at this point.

[Missy1]

This my 5th week, I am barely functioning for work but working virtual as much as possible. Getting out of bed is difficult.

 I feel very much the way you do however I have started drinking. I think it helps me, others say it’s not recommended. I don’t care what people think. 

I have everything exactly as he left it. I did laundry and hung up his shirts and put his socks and stuff away in his drawers.

i don’t know what to do, I need his stuff it makes me feel closer to him.

 

[jwahlquist]

On 1/6/2020 at 3:42 PM, KayC said:

Same with me.

I am working hard to get my blood sugar under control, it hasn't been since Arlie's diagnosis.  I thought by now it'd come down but it hasn't and now I've lost Kitty too...I wonder sometimes how much I can take, but I've learned never to ask that.  Anyway, went to a drastic change, no/little carbs.  I hope it makes a difference eventually.

 

2 hours ago, Dazed&Confused said:

From Robin Trower- Roads to Freedom...

A gypsy sings, of birds with broken wings
And painted wheels that never roll
Who hears the sighs? Who stole this paradise?
Who took the fire from his soul?

And where are the roads to freedom?
Where is the life his father knew?
Where is the love, where is the joy
And tell me, where are the roads to freedom?

 

As I sit here nearly 8 weeks out from the passing of my wife, I realize that I am almost completely paralyzed. Also, I am fighting for my life but not sure if it is even worth living.

I work every day - just got back from the first business trip since my wife died last week - but don't really give a **** about it. It seems so fruitless and unimportant. 

I come here and read some and just now have the energy to post my current state of being.

Winter drags on. Sunshine, when it happens, brings no joy. There is only the emptiness and despair. All while the world goes on seeking only happiness and good times. There is a man I work with, who used to be my boss. He has not uttered one word about the passing of my wife in any means of communication. Maybe he can't face up to it. Maybe he is scared of it. I dunno. Whatever. **** it.

The demons are back - all Saturday I thought of getting some beer and then getting some liquor because it is cold out. It will kill the pain. For now. I didn't, but the urge was stronger than ever. It's like the deal where the devil is on one shoulder and an angel on the other one., but the angel wasn't there. As I was coming back from the grocery store crying, I prayed to God to help me get through it. I feel like he did. I didn't stop at any store to get alcohol.

So now I can sit here, unshowered and unshaven, doing work that doesn't matter except to pay the bills and give to the government so they can waste it on death and bullshit. At least I don't have to put on the "good times" mask and yuk it up with my coworkers, feeling like burning **** the whole time.

Everything in this house is pretty much as it was the day she died. Purse still hanging where she left it. Shoes right where she took them off. Clothes right where she left them. I think the only thing that will change it at this point is a natural disaster or a fire. 

 

Really DAC at this point.

I haven’t gone back to work as of yet.  I took some FMLA time so the doctor could get my medication dose correct.   I have a high stress job and I work with kids so I can’t run the risk of not being functional and emotionally stable.   
 

I haven’t moved any of my husband’s things either.   I feel stuck in a place of denial.  Like maybe if I don’t move his things he will be back.  I know logically that isn’t going to happen but emotionally I am not ready to face it I guess.  
 

It really is hard to give a **** as you said.  I am emotionally wrung out and so tired physically and emotionally that I don’t want to get off the couch.  Depression sucks!   

[Missy1]

4 hours ago, Dazed&Confused said:

I think the only thing that will change it at this point is a natural disaster or a fire. 

Aren’t the odds rather low for those? I was left with 3 cats they are very sweet and loving inside cats, house fire would be horrible.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Dazed&Confused said:

Everything in this house is pretty much as it was the day she died.

And that's okay.  They can sit there for ten years or forever, it's up to you, do what brings you comfort.  There will come a day when sunshine lifts your spirits but I can't say when...when I lost my George I couldn't understand how the sun could go on shining with him not in it.  He WAS the ray of sunshine!

 

[Dazed&Confused]

Yep, Missy1, the odds are pretty low here for natural disaster that would level the house or a fire - thankfully. It just seems like it is going to take one hell of a push to get me to do anything other than keep the place clean. I have two very sweet rescue cats that I would hate to lose, they are a great comfort while the rest of the world lays in ruins. I love my fur babies!

I am glad that this is a place of understanding. It is good to know that I am not off the rails with how I feel today. I know tomorrow will be different and one day will be better to a degree I don't see possible right now. The one thing that remains is the love I have for my wife.

 

[Missy1]

Yessss, we are cat people to,  all rescued, they have sustained me in all this. Makes me get out of bed to feed and care for them. They have been so snuggly since his passing. His cat has become sullen and hides, it never did before.

i just don’t know how I am going to make it, day by day is hard. I felt particularly dark and hopeless  today. Everything drives me to a bad place, I was paying bills and I thought what is point of all this?!?!?!!! I feel overwhelmed with all the stuff that needs to done, maintenance to yard and house! 

I have no reason, no future and no purpose...the universe if flipping the bird at me...makes me feel like I don’t have to stick around either.

 

[Dazed&Confused]

I was also in a particularly bad place yesterday. Anger and frustration were my copilots and hopelessness was riding along. I left to go to Walmart to get a couple of things after work and found myself extremely irritated at the slow drivers. It's was just rain, people! I was also unusually irritated at my coworkers and just tried to keep to myself as much as possible. I was glad to get home before I let someone unjustly have it. That would have only hurt me and made feel like a bigger piece of ****, plus possibly built animosity. I cried a lot yesterday, possibly more and more often than any other day. What does that mean?

Does it mean that I am moving forward at all or just starting to realize the magnitude of my loss?

I feel pretty down today, but the anger from yesterday has subsided. Hopefully I will not be as frustrated with my coworkers.

Here's a picture of one of my babies that my wife took...

 

[Missy1]

Yeah I agree The would is harsh without our other half. I always knew I had my sweetie to come home to and talk about the obnoxious co-workers. I wish I could just stay home all day with my furry ones.

what a beautiful kitty! We would send pics of the cats if one of stayed home or had to travel.

[jwahlquist]

Dazed,

I hope that today is better for you.   Your cat is beautiful!    Animals can be such great companions. I am grateful for ours animals   They give me a reason to get up and as we have farm animals too, a reason to venture outside.   

Before my husband died someone had abandoned a group of kittens near our house (we live in the country), 1 found its way into our front yard.   I brought it inside and my husband agreed to let it stay until we found it a home.   Well the kitten never did find a new home and I am glad now that he didn’t because he is my constant companion.  The dogs and other cat all favored my husband so they have been as lost as I have been because one day he was here and then he never came back.   

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Dazed&Confused said:

Does it mean that I am moving forward at all or just starting to realize the magnitude of my loss?

Try not to figure it out or label it, it is what it is, you're in the process...

Your cat is beautiful!  Yes they are great companions.  Having lost my soulmate in a dog, Arlie, 6 1/2 months ago, and my 25 year old Kitty 2 months ago, it felt like losing George all over again, we were a family, I feel like I'm not allowed to keep anyone!  The puppy my son brought for early Christmas, Kodie, keeps me going, he's such a darling, it's made me wonder if some of Arlie's spirit is in him.

[Dazed&Confused]

KayC - that's a lot of loss in a short time. Animals have always been an important part of my life, too. I am glad that you got that new cutie Kodie! He looks like a lot of fun and a little mischievous!

[KayC]

Oh yes, and he's about doubled in size since that was taken.  Yesterday he dug holes in the dirt and got himself covered, I had to give him a bath but it scared the crap out of him literally.  Still, as much work as he is, I wouldn't trade him for anything...but I still grieve and miss my Arlie and Kitty.

[Missy1]

Love that your kitty has two different color eyes, very unique markings, beautiful cat!

[Rhonda R]

On ‎3‎/‎2‎/‎2020 at 7:17 PM, Missy1 said:

By the way the road to freedom, is death..

Trust me, there is nothing you are saying here that I have not thought or  felt.  I worked two jobs after Randy's passing and when I finally went back to my part time server position, I remember telling my friend, "Who gives a **** what the special is?"  I felt so overwhelmed and saddened by everything.  I found it hard to get out of bed or get off the couch.  Nothing anyone said to me was right or resonated with me at the time.  Anyone who moved on to another relationship wasn't grieving as hard as I was and I cut them out of my life.  I was lashing out at the world.  It took me 20 months to really be able to enjoy anything, including the sun.  It took me that long to accept his death.  That was one of the toughest weeks of my life and I'm not sure why then but it happened and after that, there was this calm that came over me.  Not joy, but calm.  I quit trying to re-write a history that couldn't be re-written.  I started to take care of myself and caring about things again.  I've started to get some things done.  Not to the extent that I had in the past but enough to give me some purpose in life. 

Where you are in your grief, all of you, is raw.  It's the hardest and most exhausting time.  It's hard to give a s*** about anything.  I felt physically sick more than I felt healthy.  The grief physically hurt and consumed me.  I was angry, bitter, and hating life.  Ever so slowly, that has changed over time.  I still wish I had my old life back but I have accepted that isn't going to happen and I need to make a life for myself for now.  I still include Randy in it every day, talking to him.  I let the people in my life know I wanted to talk about him because my biggest fear wasn't being sad, it was that he would be forgotten.  That our life together and our love would be forgotten. It will never, it's etched in me forever. 

His things are still hanging in the closet, including the clothes he took off that morning before we left for the hospital.  Some people are more comfortable getting rid of the stuff, I'm one who hangs on to things a little longer.  There is no right or wrong here, it's all about survival and picking yourself back up and it's hard as hell and takes a long time. I still work atr it every single day and some days I'm better at it than others.   Instead of focusing on what you didn't do today, focus on what you did, even if it doesn't matter.  Your world was shattered and you found the strength to go to work, pay the bills, take care of your fur babies.  You got out of bed.  That's incredible strength. 

[Missy1]

A survivor, I thank you for sharing, I read and think about each person’s circumstance. It’s helps because I do feel like my grief is special and harder. I guess we all feel that way. It’s like I feel as though I am wiped out and have to learn everything over, how to talk, how to feel, how to function. I picture so many of laid up in our houses like wounded. refugees  from a horrible disaster.  Traumatized and in pain...

[Dazed&Confused]

21 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

Trust me, there is nothing you are saying here that I have not thought or  felt.  I worked two jobs after Randy's passing and when I finally went back to my part time server position, I remember telling my friend, "Who gives a **** what the special is?"  I felt so overwhelmed and saddened by everything.  I found it hard to get out of bed or get off the couch.  Nothing anyone said to me was right or resonated with me at the time.  Anyone who moved on to another relationship wasn't grieving as hard as I was and I cut them out of my life.  I was lashing out at the world.  It took me 20 months to really be able to enjoy anything, including the sun.  It took me that long to accept his death.  That was one of the toughest weeks of my life and I'm not sure why then but it happened and after that, there was this calm that came over me.  Not joy, but calm.  I quit trying to re-write a history that couldn't be re-written.  I started to take care of myself and caring about things again.  I've started to get some things done.  Not to the extent that I had in the past but enough to give me some purpose in life. 

Where you are in your grief, all of you, is raw.  It's the hardest and most exhausting time.  It's hard to give a s*** about anything.  I felt physically sick more than I felt healthy.  The grief physically hurt and consumed me.  I was angry, bitter, and hating life.  Ever so slowly, that has changed over time.  I still wish I had my old life back but I have accepted that isn't going to happen and I need to make a life for myself for now.  I still include Randy in it every day, talking to him.  I let the people in my life know I wanted to talk about him because my biggest fear wasn't being sad, it was that he would be forgotten.  That our life together and our love would be forgotten. It will never, it's etched in me forever. 

His things are still hanging in the closet, including the clothes he took off that morning before we left for the hospital.  Some people are more comfortable getting rid of the stuff, I'm one who hangs on to things a little longer.  There is no right or wrong here, it's all about survival and picking yourself back up and it's hard as hell and takes a long time. I still work atr it every single day and some days I'm better at it than others.   Instead of focusing on what you didn't do today, focus on what you did, even if it doesn't matter.  Your world was shattered and you found the strength to go to work, pay the bills, take care of your fur babies.  You got out of bed.  That's incredible strength. 

Thank you for writing this. It's hard to see anything but the black neverness right now and good to read of changes over time that may not heal, but help with getting on with it.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Missy1 said:

It’s helps because I do feel like my grief is special and harder. I guess we all feel that way.

The worst grief and most unbearable loss for each of us is our own.  There's nothing wrong with feeling as if your grief is special, different, or harder because it is yours, so of course it is.  I've learned to try not to compare any part of it.  Actually, being pissed off about people trying to compare their losses to mine (as in, "I know how you feel.  My best friend/mother/brother/dog died.") was what brought me here.  Even though I realize they might have been trying to connect and empathize, it infuriated me.  I've had those losses, including the most wonderful dog and cat who meant the world to my husband and me.  But no, they didn't know how I feel.  It's not possible.  Even with similar losses like we share here, I can't know how you feel.  I only know what I feel and hope that by sharing our grief, pain, and experiences, we can help each other.

[EternalFlames]

In the first months I found exercise made a big difference in my mood. (maybe even moreso as a man)

The first weeks I don't think I ever left my living room. I booked a few weeks off work, binge-watched TV, ignored phone calls, ghosted on visits from family and friends, ordered Uber Eats, and fell asleep on the couch with a bottle of scotch crying into a blanket. I felt shut down, paralyzed.

After a few weeks of that I managed to force myself to get outside for sunshine, fresh air and exercise. I committed to doing AT LEAST an hour of cardio every day, and I lifted weights a few times a week. Exercise helped physiologically and psychologically work off the stress and pain. I still felt depressed and blank, empty beneath the surface, and I still wrestled with grief for a long time, but the endorphins and fresh air helped boost my mood and keep me going.

Self-care makes a big difference. Regular exercise, sleep, and healthy eating.

Exercise also helps maintain testosterone levels. Low testosterone is connected to depression and low functioning in men. We already start losing testosterone as we age. Stress from traumatic events like losing a spouse drops those levels even further. Lack of sleep and poor self-care drop those levels even more... When I did some research into lifestyle factors that can cause hormone-related depression in men, I realized just how many of them happen all at once when we lose a spouse. Be kind to yourself and invest in your own health and well-being.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, foreverhis said:

as in, "I know how you feel.  My best friend/mother/brother/dog died."

When I lost George my former BIL wrote me and said he knew how I felt, his bird was gone...for a whole day...before he came back!  

Are you frigging kidding me?!  You're comparing loss of my husband to a BIRD being gone?!  And then to find out it was only gone ONE DAY?!  That topped them all for me.

[Missy1]

A flipping bird??!?!!

[MODArtemis2019]

DAC, your cat is gorgeous. 

Those of us who have animals to care for and love are fortunate I believe. They give us love and comfort and they need us to care for them. I call my three cats my little saviors. 

[Dazed&Confused]

Oh yes, Artemis2019. My kitty got on me this morning during a work call and cuddled for a long time. My other one wanted attention this morning. He is a big ol' orange cat that showed up at the house one day. He was abused possibly kicked or hit in the head and once we realized that, we kept him. The little one I put the picture of came from PetSmart adoption and took up with me when I asked to see her. She has been my cat since and in the mornings I tell her that it is time to make the donuts and she goes into the office.

 

My cats are my little buddies. They are named after Gilligan's Island characters Thurston Howell III - we call him TT most of the time - and Lovie Dovie (Mrs. Howell). A pic of Thurston is attached.

 

@KayC - People are so clueless sometimes that it is stupefying!!

 

@EternalFlames - I have been getting back into the gym and exercise. I was going really regularly - 3-5X a week - before she passed. I am good to get 3X now and probably going to change my schedule due to Daylight Savings time. I don't want to get up at what used to be 4:30 AM!

 

 

[KayC]

BEAUTIFUL cat!  I've always wanted an orange one, only one I had (and didn't really because he was feral) was Peekaboo.  I don't even have any pictures of him.  Fed him outside for about a year.  I've heard orange cats are the best although I've had some great cats, all different.