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Nothing feels different yet


TaylorV

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I don’t really know what to say right now so I’m just going to type and hope it makes some sort of sense. I’m so confused. My mum died suddenly 6 weeks ago. She’d had a heart condition for 5 years but we never expected she’d actually die from it so her death was a big shock. The first time I’ve ever heard my dad cry was when he called me to tell me my mum died, he cried because I was 5 hours away in my university city and I had to hear the news alone. I was preparing to go out with my friends, it was supposed to be a fun Friday night... I was happy one minute and then lost the next. I still feel lost ... mostly because most nights I still sleep fine. Most days I don’t cry. I feel like nothings changed ... I’m still at uni struggling to cope with assignments and keeping up with work trying to ensure I graduate but I feel so numb. I’ve always placed such heavy self inflicted guilt over everything I do not being good enough it lead to years of mental health issues that I thought I was finally improving on but I’ve had a relapse,  perhaps my final motivation to write something on here. I feel guilty for still having these self inflicted issues effect me when the biggest issue should be that my mums gone. Everything is just adding up... everything seems to go wrong even the little things just seem so much harder. Everything seems so much more unfair ... my 2020 started with a month long miscarriage process, which my mum supported me in every step of the way until the very end, then 2 days later my mum died and “now my train back to uni is cancelled”. I just keep asking the universe “When will I catch a break”. I don’t even know if I’m grieving properly... I know everyone deals with grief differently but for me everything just seems normal until a small thing happens and I remember that my mum really isn’t here anymore. I don’t know if I’m in the denial stage and my brain just won’t properly emotionalise what’s going on or if I truly am just emotionless. I know my mum is dead but I can’t get myself to truly imagine what that entails... or well I don’t want to properly think about it. I wonder if I’m broken ... My family was never one for outright verbal affection to the extent that I’ve never said “I love you” to anyone including my parents so I wonder if I’ll ever be able to say those words now when I could never say them to even my own mum. Even now I don’t know if I could say them to my dad or my brothers ... I know the consequence of not telling your loved ones you love them until it’s too late but still I feel so awkward. I feel like no one around me knows what I’m going through because how can I truly describe the deep sense of emptiness I feel. When I think of my mum I just feel so hollow as if the space where my heart should be is surrounded by thick glass I don’t know how to break. But then during the day everything goes back to “normal” and sometimes I get so angry that everything is normal again when in reality everything is different. I get sad that my mum won’t see me graduate, won’t see me get married, won’t see her grandchild (my nephew) grow up, that my future children won’t ever get to meet her, she wasn’t here for me to text after I had my first driving lesson or to comment her typical and ever same “beautiful” on my Instagram pictures... the Instagram account she only made to be able to follow mine and keep up with my life. 
 

I feel stupid for even writing this tbh... I know it won’t make sense and that it’s “too soon” for my grief to make sense but I’ve tried applying for counselling and it hasn’t worked due to wait lists being months long I didn’t know what else to do. I’m scared I’m not actually grieving and that this happening might be the last step in my brain just shutting down any strong emotions I have left. How do I go back to real life without feeling guilty and like I’m hiding something from myself or using my everyday typical struggles / issues as distractions.

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Dear Taylor,

I'm very sorry for your loss. Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. It is all very personal and we have to keep taking it day by day. Don't worry about others judgement or what is the right way. We all find different ways to cope with our grief. Do what you feel is right for you.

It is not stupid to write your feelings or thoughts down. It's all okay. And we are here for each other. No judgement just listening.

Please take care, thinking of you.

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Hello Tayler,

I am sorry for your loss. Feeling emotionally numb helps you do what you think you need to do. You are in survival mode and feel that if you allow the emotions you will endanger your goal of succeeding. Maybe even more, if you allow it it will also be a test for yourself. Your hanging on to the image you created because you had to deal in the past with mental health. Your afriad this one isnt enough. I think this is it atleast… I want to tell you… dont be afraid you can do it and there is Always light. 

I lost both my parents when i was in uni also. Im now 28 ( i lost them in my mid 20's) im doing very well now and just here trying to help out.

Looking forwardto your reaction and hope this gives some clarity. What would you wish for more than anythign else?

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Thanks for reaching out! I really appreciate it and hearing of how you’ve healed and are doing well is reassuring. 
 

I’d wish for one last hug if I could have anything, very cliche thing to wish for but I guess there’s nothing more comforting than a hug from ones mum when they’re sad. 
 

Hope you’re keeping well during these times!

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