Loss of boyfriend and guilt

[Hannah1000]

My boyfriend of 8 and half years passed away unexpectedly in december, cause unknown. We worked together and lived together for the whole time as well. 

I am struggling because I am afraid to be alone, I'm so use to having him with me everyday it's super scary to me. 

[jwahlquist]

I think it is normal to seek out someone with whom you can talk about your boyfriend.   I occasionally chat with my husband’s friends because they miss him too and understand a bit how I feel.   While not the same depth as your pain, I am sure he is grieving the loss of his friend and it is good to talk to you.  
 

I don’t think there is anything you are going to be able to say or do that will “make” his other friends understand.  They aren’t lonely the way you are so they aren’t going to understand your need for companionship.  
 

I miss all of the little things that my husband and I used to do together like watching tv, listening to audio books, going out to dinner and etc.   The little things like hearing about his day and sharing my day with him.  Hearing I love you each night before bed......

[KayC]

George and I were always together when not working and it was hard facing evenings/weekends when he died.  He used to call me on his breaks and when that time would roll around to a silent phone, it was hard.  I've been on my own now nearly 15 years and although I'm used to living alone, I still don't like it, I miss him and wish he were here each and every day.  Our love continues, I'm just not able to reach him.

Have you thought of getting a roommate...I know it's not the same but at least you wouldn't be alone so much.  All my friends disappeared on me when George died, his too, even his family, but I eventually made new friends and a life for myself that I could live.  I was 52 when he died, I didn't expect it.  I think sudden death is very hard, you're in shock, no time to process or absorb anything!  My heart goes out to you.  I am so sorry.

[Rhonda R]

The loss of a partner is hard.  It changes everything in your life.  My husband and I too worked together and it's hard because it's like there is no escape.  I have memories of him at home and memories of him at work.  I'm sure you are scared of being on your own.  There is just something about getting through it together or having that go to person.  Take it one little baby step at a time, losing your partner is life changing.  It's not what we wanted, it hurts and it's hard.  I had to remind myself over and over that I had a life before him.  I existed and I took care of myself.  No, it's not what I want but if forced (and we are) we will figure it out.  It takes time to trust yourself again.  I am so sorry. 

[AlexLeonardi]

On 2/25/2020 at 6:47 PM, Hannah1000 said:

My boyfriend of 8 and half years passed away unexpectedly in december, cause unknown. We worked together and lived together for the whole time as well. 

I am struggling because I am afraid to be alone, I'm so use to having him with me everyday it's super scary to me. 

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I can't imagine what it's like to be without your partner after so many years. I want you to know it's okay to not be okay. Many people tell you that you need to get over loss. Grief is a process and often takes time. Allow yourself the time to grieve and remember him. I'm praying for you. 

[EternalFlames]

Sorry for your recent loss!

Being alone is scary, even moreso when you're grieving. After my wife died, I got really scared about living the rest of my life alone... but after some therapy I realized a lot of that fear was just grief in another form. Living alone isn't that bad! It just takes some adjustment. That fear you feel... it could be because you're mourning him and the life you shared together. It feels lonely because HE is not there. That's normal and ok.

That loneliness can make it tempting to fill the void with anyone, start dating to not be alone. I really felt that push. But in the end I found no one I met really filled that hole. I wasn't lonely for anyone, I was lonely for my lost wife, and I had to separate the two feelings. Jumping into another relationship to fill that loneliness can be dangerous. Grief makes you vulnerable... people can take advantage of you, and you may feel more fragile after if things don't work out.

Some time alone to heal may not be a bad thing in the long run... and you don't have to be alone forever!
 

[HeatherN]

I can definitely relate to the scariness of being suddenly alone everywhere. I also lived and worked together with my partner, so we were together most of every single day and we liked it that way. Sure I loved my gym time and my solo errand time, but I always looked forward to coming home to him on the rare days where we didn’t come home together. We met at work, and when he passed, he was really the best thing about my job. And he passed at home. So once I had a handle on the day-to-day reality of just existing without him in our home and dealing with the memories of finding him, I graduated to the “normalcy” of going back to work. Except there was nothing normal about it because it was another major place where he was supposed to be and he was not. Planning my schedule to get there early before anyone else was important in the early days, because I needed time to just feel it and cry, and then I could collect myself for the day ahead. Nights were hard too though, because he would always patiently wait while I finished my closing duties and we would head to dinner or head home together. It only took a few nights of coming home alone to a quiet house to realize it was time to adopt a cat. I found a real cuddler and it has made an incredible difference. He takes good care of me.
 

This is the hardest thing you will ever do, and yet your strength will surprise you. Even when everything hurts every place you go, you will find yourself making strides. You are doing better than you realize.