How do you deal with unexpectedly losing your spouse?

[jwahlquist]

Hi,

3 weeks ago my husband of 22 years passed away due to complications from influenza and strep.  He walked into the ER, coded while there, was put in ICU and 5 days later I had to make the decision whether to take him off of life support.  Due to how sick he was he ended up with multi-system organ failure as well as brain damage that meant he would never again wake up.  Yet I still agonized over disconnecting life support.  Logically, I know that the part of him that I loved, the part that made him the person he was had gone already but it was still so hard. I know he wouldn’t have wanted to live a life like that so I tried to honor that part of him.  It was all so sudden that my mind still has trouble understanding how this all happened and why.  Maybe if I would have had more time to prepare it would be easier but I doubt it.  He was my beat friend and there wasn’t a day that we didn’t talk or say “I love you”.  
 

I would be lying if I didn’t say that I thought about ending it all to be with him.   But we have an 11 year old daughter who still needs a parent.  So here I am trying to piece my life back together.  I did go to the doctor and get medication for depression and to help with sleep.  I have also been seeing a therapist.  
 

I feel like I no longer know who I am without him.  I have been married almost my entire adult life which means that a lot of my identity as an adult is wrapped up in him.   I feel alone and lost even when I am with other people.   The house we once called home is too full of memories and I find myself avoiding certain areas because those were his spots.  I swear I hear him sometimes.  The doctor said that is my brain’s way of coping when things get to be too much.  I so wish it would stop because it makes me feel crazy.  

His memorial service is this weekend and I dread going.  It seems so final.   Like it could still all be a nightmare that I should wake up from.  I get a huge amount of anxiety just thinking about Saturday.  The doctor did give me a stronger anti-anxiety pill specifically for the service.  I would rather be numb than feel the overwhelming emotions of that day.  

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

I feel like I no longer know who I am without him.  I have been married almost my entire adult life which means that a lot of my identity as an adult is wrapped up in him.   I feel alone and lost even when I am with other people.   The house we once called home is too full of memories and I find myself avoiding certain areas because those were his spots.  I swear I hear him sometimes.  The doctor said that is my brain’s way of coping when things get to be too much.  I so wish it would stop because it makes me feel crazy

First, you're not crazy, even though I know it feels that way because I feel it too.  You're grieving and that's almost worse than being "crazy," I think.  There is no cure for this, though I am learning that time truly does help.  But I know I've still got a long way to go before I will be able to find a life I can live on my own.

I was married to my love for well over half my life and nearly all of my grown up life.  We were all and everything to each other, especially after our daughter moved out on her own.  Sure, we have a small circle of friends and family who we love very much, but we were each other's essential.  I've never even lived alone until now.  I moved from my parents in with roommates and then in with my husband.  The world is no longer a warm and comforting place because he is not here with me.  I still haven't come to terms with being an "I" and not a "we." 

Yes, I often feel completely alone even when I'm in a room full of people, even the people who knew and loved him and who knew us as a couple.  It's because the one person who I could turn to for support is the one who is gone.  No one else matters that same way, no one "gets" me the same way, and no one can fill that huge void in my heart.  Unfortunately, it is normal to feel this way.

I don't think any of us know how to cope with the loss.  All we can do is stumble along trying to find our way.  Coming here helps because the members of this forum understand in ways others do not.

[jwahlquist]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

First, you're not crazy, even though I know it feels that way because I feel it too.  You're grieving and that's almost worse than being "crazy," I think.  There is no cure for this, though I am learning that time truly does help.  But I know I've still got a long way to go before I will be able to find a life I can live on my own.

I was married to my love for well over half my life and nearly all of my grown up life.  We were all and everything to each other, especially after our daughter moved out on her own.  Sure, we have a small circle of friends and family who we love very much, but we were each other's essential.  I've never even lived alone until now.  I moved from my parents in with roommates and then in with my husband.  The world is no longer a warm and comforting place because he is not here with me.  I still haven't come to terms with being an "I" and not a "we." 

Yes, I often feel completely alone even when I'm in a room full of people, even the people who knew and loved him and who knew us as a couple.  It's because the one person who I could turn to for support is the one who is gone.  No one else matters that same way, no one "gets" me the same way, and no one can fill that huge void in my heart.  Unfortunately, it is normal to feel this way.

I don't think any of us know how to cope with the loss.  All we can do is stumble along trying to find our way.  Coming here helps because the members of this forum understand in ways others do not.

Oh how I wish there were a cure.   I am tired of hurting.   Each day I wish I could trade places with him.  He would handle all of this so much better than I am.  He was outgoing, made friends everywhere and had fun with life.   I am and always have been the opposite- introverted, cautious and guarded especially with relationships with people and serious.

I came here because this is an easier way for me to open up than a support group.   I just can’t fathom sitting in a room full of strangers and talking about any of this. 

[KayC]

When my George died, I went to the only one in town who hung up a shingle "Counselor"...I asked if he was a grief counselor, he said "Yes."  He was not!  He was a drug and alcohol counselor and had no understanding of grief, which I quickly figured out.  I found a forum ran by a grief counselor, today she is my mentor and friend.  I have learned so much from her over the years, she's generously shared so many articles with us, and I attribute her with saving my life...her and the people on the forum at that time as they helped me realize I wasn't in this alone.  There was no grief support group in town.  Years later I started my own with all of the resources I've compiled over the years.  I've been on that same forum for nearly 15 years every day.  I want to be there for people going through this, the same way there were those there for me when I most needed it.  This was the hardest journey I've ever embarked on, we enter it with no manual, no sense of direction, our world upended, emotion drowning us, and not knowing what step to take.  It's frightening to say the least.

I just want you all to know I want to be there for you and will help you if at all possible.  I know a certain amount of this we have to find our way through it ourselves as it's a unique journey, but there's also some that is common to all of us.  

I know that grief support groups vary largely due to how the leader handles things.  In mine, people are given the option of sharing but no one has to if they choose not to, and I don't let someone dominate it but gently lead it back on topic because sometimes someone can derail things if you let them.  We cover a different topic each time and I give handouts, but sometimes it can take a different direction if need be.  It's important to be sensitive to the group of people.  And no one remains strangers.  It's amazing how close we grow.  We've even gotten together for lunch or called each other, it takes all of us working to get through this and that's something I've learned over the years.  This place right here is important to me...it is each of you who make it so.  My heart is brimming with love and care for each of you, I know how tough this is.

[Missy1]

Thank you for those encouraging words, I feel stuck because I don’t know how to live without my other half. It’s too sad and empty to think about more than today. It’s a serous issue being bonded in life then your life partner/soul mate leaves you in this life that is all about both of you. There are no other scenarios!

our existence was predicated on US, not I! 
we are left here floundering. My initial feeling was I felt like a fish being pulled out the water, gasping for air, knowing I will die in this caustic environment. 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Missy1 said:

we are left here floundering. My initial feeling was I felt like a fish being pulled out the water, gasping for air

Very apt analogy...

[Missy1]

I hate this existence!!!!!

i used to watch the clock at work and cut out as quick as possible, run home to my sweet husband. It felt Like Christmas morning as kid, the excitement and anticipation of seeing him made me so giddy even after 30 years!

Now I sit here and work like a drone hating everyone and everything, nothing to look forward to, nothingness!

[jwahlquist]

On 2/26/2020 at 7:34 AM, KayC said:

When my George died, I went to the only one in town who hung up a shingle "Counselor"...I asked if he was a grief counselor, he said "Yes."  He was not!  He was a drug and alcohol counselor and had no understanding of grief, which I quickly figured out.  I found a forum ran by a grief counselor, today she is my mentor and friend.  I have learned so much from her over the years, she's generously shared so many articles with us, and I attribute her with saving my life...her and the people on the forum at that time as they helped me realize I wasn't in this alone.  There was no grief support group in town.  Years later I started my own with all of the resources I've compiled over the years.  I've been on that same forum for nearly 15 years every day.  I want to be there for people going through this, the same way there were those there for me when I most needed it.  This was the hardest journey I've ever embarked on, we enter it with no manual, no sense of direction, our world upended, emotion drowning us, and not knowing what step to take.  It's frightening to say the least.

I just want you all to know I want to be there for you and will help you if at all possible.  I know a certain amount of this we have to find our way through it ourselves as it's a unique journey, but there's also some that is common to all of us.  

I know that grief support groups vary largely due to how the leader handles things.  In mine, people are given the option of sharing but no one has to if they choose not to, and I don't let someone dominate it but gently lead it back on topic because sometimes someone can derail things if you let them.  We cover a different topic each time and I give handouts, but sometimes it can take a different direction if need be.  It's important to be sensitive to the group of people.  And no one remains strangers.  It's amazing how close we grow.  We've even gotten together for lunch or called each other, it takes all of us working to get through this and that's something I've learned over the years.  This place right here is important to me...it is each of you who make it so.  My heart is brimming with love and care for each of you, I know how tough this is.

Thank you.  I appreciate the support.   I feel like no one I know personally understands because they haven’t experienced the same loss. 

My MIL made reference to me “pouting”.   That really hurt my feelings.  I loves my husband so deeply and he was my best friend.   The pain I feel is so much more than pouting.   I know she is in pain too but lashing out at me isn’t helpful to me.  
 

 

 

[foreverhis]

52 minutes ago, jwahlquist said:

My MIL made reference to me “pouting”.   That really hurt my feelings.  I loves my husband so deeply and he was my best friend.   The pain I feel is so much more than pouting.   I know she is in pain too but lashing out at me isn’t helpful to me.  
 

OMG!  That borders on cruel.  Those who know me will tell you it's not often I am at a loss for words, but right now I am.

I am so sorry you have to deal with that kind of callousness coming from one of the people who should understand better than many others.  She lost her son, for crying out loud.  Now, maybe she's at a loss and can't handle seeing your pain and grief, but that does not excuse her treating you like that.

Let me put this bluntly:  She is in the wrong.  Period.

[Heart&Soul]

On 2/25/2020 at 8:09 PM, jwahlquist said:

He was outgoing, made friends everywhere and had fun with life.   I am and always have been the opposite- introverted, cautious and guarded especially with relationships with people and serious.

This is also how my husband was and I was the cautious and guarded one.  I always felt I had to protect him as he was so trusting of people and they would take advantage of him and his kind ways.

[Missy1]

Exactly, and tonight I’m sitting here in the in silence on my recliner in the living room he has a matching recliner right next to me and the silence is actually is so deafening I just cry pretty please don’t make me stay here long...I want to hear anything but the silence...

[Left behind]

My Jason was the same way. He was the outgoing one, and so full of Zest. I was always trying to guard him because he was so kind hearted and it was easy for people to take advantage of that. He opened me up and got me out of my shell so I could learn to enjoy life. He made life worth enjoying, and we balanced each other out so perfectly. He was always smiling, even if he had a hard day. He was the only one who could get me to smile when my days were rough or even when I was mad at him. He was such a beautiful soul. I'm struggling quite a bit tonight. I've been fighting the grief all day, and avoiding as many "triggers" as I could, but I can feel it over taking me. I want so badly to venture out into the cold and snow and just disappear and let the elements take me, but I decided to come on this site instead. I am so greatfull that I found this site and for everyone who is on here because at least on here we are all lost and struggling together. I feel a little less alone.

[Missy1]

What’s next..I feel lost & broken, I feel like a piece of used up trash, why  am I still here? So very useless, nothing to offer. No ones special someone. No one know who I am. Maybe tonight Got will take me. I beg this ask every night...

[Left behind]

Missy1, I feel the same. We both need to try and not think to far ahead. I know it's way easier said then done. I'm trying to just think about getting through the next hour or so. When I think about anything in the future it makes me go to a real dark place and I want nothing more then to be taken from this life. Jason was suppose to be my life partner, and we were each other's special someone, and the thought of going on without him, alone and lost and lonely is agonizing. He accepted all of me, my faults, quirks, short comings and everything. He gave me unconditional love, and him not being here absolutely destroys me. So I'm trying really really hard to just focus on 60 minutes at a time. That's all the strength and endurance I can muster. I'm not doing so well with the current 60 minutes myself though either, so I know how you are feeling. 

[Missy1]

Still as we pour out our pain, confusion and grief there are no answers to our quandaries ...I guess our meaningless life just goes on. I will remain like the walking dead.  I will keep coming here, I don’t what else to do, nothing will every be ok! I barely remember what it felt like to be happy and full of joy...

I will continue to get my affairs in order and hopefully I won’t live long. 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

My MIL made reference to me “pouting”.   That really hurt my feelings.

That's horrible!  I'm stunned when I hear of the inappropriate things people say.  Her loss is the same person but a different loss.  You have every reason to scream, be angry, even pout if you need to!  WTH!

I like this article.  I'd print it out and hand it to someone who gave me inappropriate response the next time.  I've grown a thick skin and a lot of moxie since George's death.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/01/what-to-say-or-not-to-person-in-grief.html

14 hours ago, Left behind said:

My Jason was the same way. He was the outgoing one, and so full of Zest. I was always trying to guard him because he was so kind hearted and it was easy for people to take advantage of that. He opened me up and got me out of my shell so I could learn to enjoy life. He made life worth enjoying, and we balanced each other out so perfectly.

Your husband sounds SO MUCH like mine!

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Left behind said:

We both need to try and not think to far ahead.

YES!  One day at a time, one moment at a time.  Thinking too far ahead can be the lead weight that sinks us.

1 hour ago, Missy1 said:

I barely remember what it felt like to be happy and full of joy.

What used to come naturally now requires much effort and work on our part but it can happen.  It's something worth striving for.  I learned that it's a practice...it can be done, I started striving to do just that on day 11 when I ran across this refrigerator magnet...I believe God put it in my path as it was an important message.  I learned to appreciate the good things, no matter how small they were and embrace them.  Living in the present so as not to miss whatever good there is.  Comparisons are a real joy-killer so try not to go there.  I need all the good I can get, so I'm grateful for any sent my way!

[jwahlquist]

Coming here and reading responses helps me feel not quite as alone.   I miss Ryan with every fiber of my being and feel like the house is too quiet and filled with too many memories.   I am sometimes at a loss over what I should do next. I have so many little things I should do like sweep and mop or laundry but just the thought of actually doing them makes me tired.   I am going to try making a list like the therapist encouraged me to do.   She said that sometimes helps because it is empowering to be able to cross things off of the list.  

[foreverhis]

On 2/25/2020 at 12:53 PM, jwahlquist said:

 Maybe if I would have had more time to prepare it would be easier but I doubt it.

From my experience, having time to prepare does not make it easier.  A bit different, yes, but not easier.  The moment you lose your soul mate is heart shattering and soul crushing, no matter what.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

just the thought of actually doing them makes me tired.

Grief is exhausting, leaving us little energy for anything else.  Your therapist's idea is a good one...maybe do one thing a day around the house?  Can't be expected to be an energizer bunny right now!

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Grief is exhausting, leaving us little energy for anything else.  Your therapist's idea is a good one...maybe do one thing a day around the house?  Can't be expected to be an energizer bunny right now!

Kay, you are right as always.  Today I am doing something stupid:  Two activities in one day.  I had a necessary outing to buy produce and supplies this morning.  In an hour, I'm leaving for a gathering of friends.  We're doing an exchange of "Bring the good stuff that you don't use or don't need or even don't like now and we'll all exchange goodies while we eat and drink."  I didn't/couldn't go to the last two, so I'm glad to be attending.  I'll be with people I like and am bravely taking a few of my husband's jackets just in case someone's husband, brother, or son can use them, but I know I'm going to be beyond tired when I get home a couple of hours later.

I do try to be able to say I've done "something" every day.  Sometimes it's a really small accomplishment; other times I'll manage to do something more intense like clean the house or garden maintenance.  But as long as I can remind myself I haven't been completely useless, I can go to bed feeling like I still have some value in this life.

[jwahlquist]

Well I survived the memorial service.  It was hard even with 2 Clonazepam and my Zoloft.   I am not hiding from the mass of relatives at my own house because I can’t face anymore people right now.  There were 3 times the amount of people I expected to be there.  I am wrung out and not ready to see people.  I need some mindless tv and sleep.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.  

[Missy1]

You are brave, that was the right thing to do! Sounds like Lots of people love you both. Hopefully you will sleep well tonight.

[Missy1]

Seeing the corpse of my beautiful, precious husband was so final, it shook me to my coar. Also frightened me I felt so helpless. Death is final, he is not coming back from this one. This was a why I am too scared to take me life. 

[jwahlquist]

1 hour ago, Missy1 said:

Seeing the corpse of my beautiful, precious husband was so final, it shook me to my coar. Also frightened me I felt so helpless. Death is final, he is not coming back from this one. This was a why I am too scared to take me life. 

My husband was cremated so no corpse viewing.   I had enough of that when he died in my arms.  I feel like the memorial service made it so final.   It hurts like crazy.  I don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow.  

[Missy1]

Foolishly I told the funeral home I wanted to see him before they creamed him. They fixed him up. I too do not what to do tomorrow. I see and hear people say “one day at at a time” that is very depressing to me! 

[KayC]

@jwahlquist I hope you have a relaxing day today to revive from yesterday.  You made it through it!  That is a feat.  Maybe today you can snuggle on the couch with a blanket and sip hot cocoa and watch mindless t.v., doze off perhaps?  (((hugs)))

[Left behind]

Jwahlquist, I know that it had to be a super long day and so surreal for you. That's how it was for me at least. You survived it and that is no small feat. Seeing the insane amount of people that came, I know just added to the hurt, because it was a reminder of how much of a people person he was, and how he could just talk and connect to anyone he ever met or bumped into. I remember crashing so hard that night, especially since I didn't get home to almost 10pm at night, and the showing started at 11am earlier that day. The hardest part of all of this has been all the days after the funeral. I didn't get out of bed really or ate anything for a week or so. I lived off of Boost and ensures to make sure I was at least getting something in my system. I just stayed in my safe place (my bed) and watched tv. I also had a friend come to stay with me, and that was help, more then I even know. I should say my brother called my friend without telling me and asked her to come and stay with me. It helped make the house not feel so empty, and forced my hand a bit to fight to stay alive. I tried to keep my mind clear of everything except what I was watching. I basically spent my time in bed, crying and trying to keep my sanity, because the pain was unreal and I felt like I died inside with him. I got to see my Jason as well. I still have the image of seeing him burned in my head. I had to see him and feel him to believe it was real.  He was creammated, but his mom and I needed confirmation.  Even when I saw him I couldn't believe what I was seeing, and it wasn't until I touched his face, and felt the cold that I had no choice but to accept that he was gone. I am still here somehow, and Tuesday will be 5 weeks. Tomorrow is my mom's birthday, and somehow I need to try and fake being ok, because it is not fair to her to see me this way, because I know it kills her. It's going to be so so hard. We celebrated my dad's birthday 6 days before he passed, so birthday celebrations are a  trigger for me. My birthday is in April and I want to cancel it this year. I just want to pretend it doesn't exist because in my heart I died the day he did. I shouldn't be here to celebrate another birthday, especially without him. He was the greatest gift ever given to me.

[Missy1]

I was coerced into going out to my brother’s birthday dinner, at a new restaurant last night.  it was so draining. I felt removed and lonely in the group. I felt no joy only extreme pain and anxiety. I saw so many couples it really hurt me deeply. I am not ready for that stuff, I just want to be home by myself. 
I feel hopeless but that is my life now...

[jwahlquist]

6 hours ago, Left behind said:

Jwahlquist, I know that it had to be a super long day and so surreal for you. That's how it was for me at least. You survived it and that is no small feat. Seeing the insane amount of people that came, I know just added to the hurt, because it was a reminder of how much of a people person he was, and how he could just talk and connect to anyone he ever met or bumped into. I remember crashing so hard that night, especially since I didn't get home to almost 10pm at night, and the showing started at 11am earlier that day. The hardest part of all of this has been all the days after the funeral. I didn't get out of bed really or ate anything for a week or so. I lived off of Boost and ensures to make sure I was at least getting something in my system. I just stayed in my safe place (my bed) and watched tv. I also had a friend come to stay with me, and that was help, more then I even know. I should say my brother called my friend without telling me and asked her to come and stay with me. It helped make the house not feel so empty, and forced my hand a bit to fight to stay alive. I tried to keep my mind clear of everything except what I was watching. I basically spent my time in bed, crying and trying to keep my sanity, because the pain was unreal and I felt like I died inside with him. I got to see my Jason as well. I still have the image of seeing him burned in my head. I had to see him and feel him to believe it was real.  He was creammated, but his mom and I needed confirmation.  Even when I saw him I couldn't believe what I was seeing, and it wasn't until I touched his face, and felt the cold that I had no choice but to accept that he was gone. I am still here somehow, and Tuesday will be 5 weeks. Tomorrow is my mom's birthday, and somehow I need to try and fake being ok, because it is not fair to her to see me this way, because I know it kills her. It's going to be so so hard. We celebrated my dad's birthday 6 days before he passed, so birthday celebrations are a  trigger for me. My birthday is in April and I want to cancel it this year. I just want to pretend it doesn't exist because in my heart I died the day he did. I shouldn't be here to celebrate another birthday, especially without him. He was the greatest gift ever given to me.

Oh, I survived because I took 2 Clonazepam on top of my Zoloft.   I had to take the 2nd one as I couldn’t stand being there with just 1.   
 

I have done nothing today because I just can’t.  I have barely wanted to get off of the couch.   My energy level is nonexistent and I have been fighting off tears all day.  I would probably be crying if I were alone but my parents are still here so I am holding it all inside.   When they leave tomorrow Ian’s my daughter is at school I will probably crumble.   
 

I hate what my life has become.  I hate that I am alone......even when I am with people.   I can’t connect with anyone at the moment because I feel hollow.   So I get why you wouldn’t want to go celebrate a birthday.  My daughter’s birthday is in April and I don’t know how I am going to get through that.

[Missy1]

I feel very much the same, what options are there, I am half a person, I feel stuck in this meaningless life. I don’t want any of it, I would pick any other way out. I am grateful for what I had, I am done now. I keeping waiting for something, a solution, some way out. I want peace with my husband, I would do anything for that.