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It's 5 years on, I feel lonely and guilty


SRL

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Hello, I'm new this forum thing. Just feeling really alone. I lost my partner 5 years ago, somebody killed him. I am away from all friends and family on the other side of the world. I have a new a new partner now, and he is great, but today is a hard day for me. I didn't tell him that today was the anniversary of his death, I just didn't know how to bring it up. And he is going out to dinner with another girl. I trust him, and I know I should have said something, it's just, I feel guilty, for my old partner, and my new one. I'll be at home crying over another boy, while he'll be out with another girl. I miss my old partner so so much, but if I do how can I be feeling like this about my new partner? Is it unfair on him that I'm with him? Sometimes I feel it's wrong. And is it even his problem? He has to go and see her, there are things he really needs to figure out, I just hate that it's today. He asked me if I wanted him to reschedule, but I'm not Gona ask him to do something he really doesn't want do then end up resenting me. 

This day always sneaks up on me and I think I'm fine but turns out I'm not and my emotions go all out of whack and im not feeling right. I just want someone, anyone, to understand, that today, I'm not ok.

I know everything is in my head, I just needed to get it out and off my chest. I'm not asking for any solutions, I just feel lost and lonely, and needed someone to listen..

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As this is an incredibly hard day for you, why not give your partner the opportunity to help you through it?   Surely, your partner would be understanding and help get you through this rough time, right?   I can’t imagine this is an easy situation for you but being honest has been helping me lately.   People can’t help you or know when you have reached your limit if you don’t let them know.  

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I am sorry you are having to go through this.  My husband just passed away 3 weeks ago and I know how lonely it is without your significant other.   
 

Maybe talking about your significant other that passed away would help?   If so, I will “listen”.   You can tell me about your favorite memories of things you did together, your favorite places to go together, your favorite restaurants and etc.  

((hugs))

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Thank you so much. We worked together, in a kitchen. We worked really well together. We liked to watch science documentaries together, and go skateboarding along the Esplande in our breaks. We were always on point with each other, we had a little thing we always said when we said the same thing at the same time, which was great minds dude. He used to tell me that I rocked his world. 

Life can be so unfair sometimes. 

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Life can be unfair.   My husband got sick with what we thought was a cold.  It turns out he had Influenza A and strep.  He walked into the ER and 5 days in the ICU later I had to make the decision to take him off of life support.   While my daughter and I were at the ICU we met a dad and his 2 girls.  The mom was in the ICU for an attempt to commit suicide.  My husband who loves life dearly is dead and a woman who clearly doesn’t is alive........so not fair.  
 

it sounds like you & your previous significant other enjoyed each other very much.  Cooking has never been one of my passions but my husband loves to cook.   We also loves to watch tv shows together after our daughter was in bed.  

Did you take any fun trips together?   Did you have any favorite vacation spots?

We took a family vacation to Disneyland and Universal Studios 2 summers ago and had a great time.  This last summer we went to the beach to our favorite spot.   The place where we one day hoped to retire.  

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I am blown away that your new partner would callously go out with someone else and not be understanding of how hard this day is for you.  Doesn't sound like he knew how to be there for you in the way you needed.  I've learned I can't rebuild my life with just anyone and since I haven't met anyone even close to being like George, I go it alone...learned the hard way.

We want to be here for you so I hope you'll keep coming here, posting, reading.  It helps.  Sending you (((hugs)))!

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Unfortunately, we didn't get that much time together.

we did have a trip planned for his birthday, just a couple a of weeks away in march. We were going to rent a campervan and go camping and fossicking for gems. He likes gems, I like rocks. We used to spend hours sitting up with a bottle of wine and talking about anything and everything, and life just seemed to make sense you know.

 

My new partner was my first real relationship since my other partner was taken from me. First person I let in, and let my walls my walls down for, it's harder to get hurt when you don't let anyone in. Been nearly a year with him. And I thought everything was ok, But today everything seems to be crumbling. Im scared to be alone, not sure if I ever fully dealt with Phil being taken away, but I know I have to, everything just hurts today, it hurts so bad. I know it will get better, but I kind of just want to hurt, and get all the pain out, and then be empty, and then start again. Not let the pain take over again

 

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

I am blown away that your new partner would callously go out with someone else and not be understanding of how hard this day is for you. 

Couldn't agree more!  It's hard for me to even wrap my head around the fact that he was taking another girl to dinner and then put the date on top of it.  It's cruel.  I'm sorry today is so hard for you. 

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2 hours ago, SRL said:

Unfortunately, we didn't get that much time together.

we did have a trip planned for his birthday, just a couple a of weeks away in march. We were going to rent a campervan and go camping and fossicking for gems. He likes gems, I like rocks. We used to spend hours sitting up with a bottle of wine and talking about anything and everything, and life just seemed to make sense you know.

 

My new partner was my first real relationship since my other partner was taken from me. First person I let in, and let my walls my walls down for, it's harder to get hurt when you don't let anyone in. Been nearly a year with him. And I thought everything was ok, But today everything seems to be crumbling. Im scared to be alone, not sure if I ever fully dealt with Phil being taken away, but I know I have to, everything just hurts today, it hurts so bad. I know it will get better, but I kind of just want to hurt, and get all the pain out, and then be empty, and then start again. Not let the pain take over again

 

I know it hurts.   While I haven’t felt it for the length of time you have, I definitely can understand how badly it hurts.  It sounds like you had a great relationship with Phil.  I think for me it would be hard to consider starting over simply because how do you not compare the next relationship with one you found to be perfect?   I think the 2nd relationship runs the risk of always not quite measuring up.  
 

I do hope that your current partner comes around if that is what you want.   Or maybe you just need a break for a while and see if that helps you get some perspective.   I am scared that I will be alone for the rest of my life and at 42 that could be quite a while unfortunately.  

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It's hard for me to understand how he went from being wonderful and you could talk about anything to him taking another girl out...that is not okay!  That would be a deal breaker for me.  I would be away from him so fast his head would spin!  If he had an issue with you, that is NOT the way to work on it!  And throw in the date, seems unforgivable to me. There are worse things than being alone, and I'm afraid this might just be it.  You deserve someone who treats you right.  Not trying to judge him but some actions just bring judgement on themselves.

If you've buried your grief or tried to ignore it, it will be important to process it, it's still there waiting to be dealt with.  I hope you're getting grief counseling.

I want to leave you with an article I wrote of what I've found helpful, in the hopes something in it will be of help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

It's hard for me to understand how he went from being wonderful and you could talk about anything to him taking another girl out...that is not okay!  That would be a deal breaker for me.  I would be away from him so fast his head would spin!  If he had an issue with you, that is NOT the way to work on it!  And throw in the date, seems unforgivable to me. There are worse things than being alone, and I'm afraid this might just be it.  You deserve someone who treats you right.  Not trying to judge him but some actions just bring judgement on themselves.

Kay, I could not have said it better.  That behavior would be a deal breaker for me.  Period.  Nothing excuses it.

21 hours ago, SRL said:

Im scared to be alone, not sure if I ever fully dealt with Phil being taken away, but I know I have to, everything just hurts today, it hurts so bad.

I agree with others that there are far worse things than being alone.  One of them is being with someone who hurts you, either emotionally or physically.  IMO (and I admit I'm sensitive because of a relationship when I was 22 before I met my husband), emotional abuse is no less destructive than physical abuse.  What your current partner did was emotionally abusive, again IMO.

If you haven't dealt with your grief over losing your beloved Phil, then it's probably festering in the back of your heart and mind all this time.  That never seems to work in the long run, at least not healthfully.  It's important to understand that there's a difference between moving on and moving forward.  We don't "get over it" or "move on" in the way people expect because we are forever changed.  Those who haven't experienced this kind of soul crushing loss cannot fully understand that.  But with time, with patience, and with understanding ourselves and our losses, we can move forward, taking our loves with us.  I think it will take me a long time more to truly find a life I can live without my husband.  I know I will never be happy in the way I was before, but I hope that some day I will be able to say I am happier than I am now.

I urge you to take some time on your own to figure out what's best for you.  That will almost certainly mean being on your own.  Only then when you're stronger, when you have allowed yourself to fully grieve, should you consider a new relationship.  And please, do not ever settle for less than you deserve.  You deserve someone who understands you, is there for you, and loves you.

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Most wonderful advice and explanation foreverhis, you have a way of putting into words what I am feeling.

I sincerely hope SRL that you will get some grief counseling and look your fear of being alone in the face and tell it you can do it!  Because you can.  No one should be treated as you are now and I hope you'll let him know it's not acceptable to you.  If you accept this treatment from him it will wreak havoc on your self-esteem and send you further down.  You already have enough to deal with without that!  

I recently posted this but I want to post it again for you in case you haven't seen it:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/03/bereavement-doing-work-of-grief.html
https://ezinearticles.com/?Youve-Got-the-Power-How-to-Know-If-You-Are-Doing-Your-Grief-Work&id=9047323

 

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EternalFlames

So sorry he was not there for you.

I've had the same problem. My wife passed 4 years ago now. I started dating again 2 years ago and have been in 2 short-term relationships, but both of them got jealous of my dead wife and held it against me instead of being supportive through moments of grief. I felt like I had to hide it and manage it alone, and then when I tried to share a mere fraction of real feelings I felt punished for it. I don't know if I can ever trust someone with that again. It may be a burden I have to hold on my own, while I put on a mask for others so they can be happy.

I get that they feel insecure, they worry they are less important or are loved less because they don't understand how the two can coexist at once, they haven't had a loss like that and don't understand, but what are we supposed to do? Just hold the burden on our own, I think.

Good luck. I hope you feel better now that the anniversary has passed.

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@EternalFlames  That shows an insecurity on their part, that's for them to deal with, not you.  It might help to date others who are widowed, they'd be more likely to get it.  To be jealous of someone who is dead is ridiculous. I'm sorry that has been your experience but glad you didn't marry either of them.  A friend of mine did and her husband won't let her have a picture up of her deceased husband and she can't bring up his name.  I couldn't agree to that, let alone live like that.

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EternalFlames
On 2/29/2020 at 10:30 AM, KayC said:

@EternalFlames  That shows an insecurity on their part, that's for them to deal with, not you.  It might help to date others who are widowed, they'd be more likely to get it.  To be jealous of someone who is dead is ridiculous. I'm sorry that has been your experience but glad you didn't marry either of them.  A friend of mine did and her husband won't let her have a picture up of her deceased husband and she can't bring up his name.  I couldn't agree to that, let alone live like that.

That's a good suggestion @KayC. Thanks.

It's horrible your friend isn't allowed to have a photo up or say his name. I couldn't live like that. I was lucky that they did not outright forbid me from doing anything. But I still felt like there were consequences if she came up (they would get upset, be passive-aggressive, or flirt with another guy to get back at me). You're right, it just comes from a place of insecurity on their part. It does make it challenging to have another relationship though.

I just felt bad for @SRL. It's a feeling I can relate to and haven't figured out how to navigate myself either. I wonder if he was out with another girl instead of by her side for the same reason...

I am young, and I get the feeling SRL is even younger... There are very few people widowed at this age. I'll probably be the only widowed one in my friend group for another 20 years. Most haven't even lost a parent yet. Because of that, I find even close friends struggle to understand loss and grief. My dating pool is the same. They sympathize, but it's just not an experience most of them are familiar with. I think they made an honest effort. They tried. I can't blame them. Maybe it's just not something they want to deal with at this stage in their lives. I will definitely keep my eye out for other young widows!

It's hard to let those walls down when you feel others won't understand anyway... I hope SRL is doing better now that the anniversary has passed.

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On ‎2‎/‎29‎/‎2020 at 9:30 AM, KayC said:

A friend of mine did and her husband won't let her have a picture up of her deceased husband and she can't bring up his name.  I couldn't agree to that, let alone live like that.

That would be the day!  The day someone told me I couldn't have a picture or speak of him, I would be gone so fast, their head would spin!  Now, I haven't dated and I have no desire to do so but IF I ever did I can tell you what I would not tolerate.  I agree that a widow might be the only one who could understand another widow. 

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On 2/29/2020 at 7:30 AM, KayC said:

A friend of mine did and her husband won't let her have a picture up of her deceased husband and she can't bring up his name.  I couldn't agree to that, let alone live like that.

I can barely fathom how insecure (jealous?) and insensitive her new husband must be.  I was unable to remain casual friends with a couple of people who were so uncomfortable with my grief that they basically pretended I was never married at all, as if 35 years with my one-and-only were nothing.  I wouldn't be friends with, much less marry, someone who ordered me to not even mention my husband's name.

While I realize some people feel they can't be alone, it seems to me that a marriage like the one you describe would actually be pretty lonely.

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EternalFlames
4 hours ago, foreverhis said:

While I realize some people feel that can't be alone, it seems to me that a marriage like the one you describe would actually be pretty lonely.

I think some of it is about stage of life too. With young kids, or if you still want to have some/more kids, or if your mortgage isn't paid off yet, having a partner can be a pretty big deal for practical things. Not looking for a partner could mean giving up on major life goals or having to really struggle through the next years doing it all alone. I would guess that's why people rush into unsupportive marriages. Family is the big reason I'm dating. If I didn't, I would feel like I was giving up on life.

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22 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I can barely fathom how insecure (jealous?) and insensitive her new husband must be

They have been married since her kids were about ten, I think they're about 40 now so 30 years of this...nope, I would not want that either!  I'd tell him to scratch it, sorry, just me, I am outspoken and stand up for myself.  If a man doesn't like it, he can deal with it, not putting up with nonsense.

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19 hours ago, EternalFlames said:

Family is the big reason I'm dating. If I didn't, I would feel like I was giving up on life.

Everyone is different on why they want to date...or not.  I would just hope that if someone does decide they don't want to be alone, they wouldn't settle.  There are people out there who can be supportive, even if they haven't been through it. 

I choose not to date right now. I think it would be unfair to anyone I brought into my life because I'm still so in love with Randy and they would be compared to him every day and wouldn't live up to him.  Maybe years down the road but right now, it's an absolute no.  If it doesn't happen, I'm okay with that too. 

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20 hours ago, EternalFlames said:

If I didn't, I would feel like I was giving up on life

There are certainly practical reasons for dating and finding new relationships.  Still, I can't help but wonder if the emotional cost is worth it sometimes.  I absolutely try (try being the operative word) not to judge others for their choices, but worry about some of the destructive emotions that can go along with them.

It sounds to me as if you have healthy reasons, reasons for yourself and your future happiness, to not give up on life and love.  IMO, that's completely different from trying to find someone just because a person can't stand to be alone or out of desperation.

I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to find a partner who truly "gets" you and who will accept you completely.  I hope very much that you are able to find the right person, even if it's only for friendship for a while.  I think your attitude is the right one when it comes to moving forward (not moving on) in a changed life.

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17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It sounds to me as if you have healthy reasons, reasons for yourself and your future happiness, to not give up on life and love.  IMO, that's completely different from trying to find someone just because a person can't stand to be alone or out of desperation.

I couldn't "amen" this more!

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On 3/1/2020 at 8:14 AM, EternalFlames said:

That's a good suggestion @KayC. Thanks.

It's horrible your friend isn't allowed to have a photo up or say his name. I couldn't live like that. I was lucky that they did not outright forbid me from doing anything. But I still felt like there were consequences if she came up (they would get upset, be passive-aggressive, or flirt with another guy to get back at me). You're right, it just comes from a place of insecurity on their part. It does make it challenging to have another relationship though.

I just felt bad for @SRL. It's a feeling I can relate to and haven't figured out how to navigate myself either. I wonder if he was out with another girl instead of by her side for the same reason...

I am young, and I get the feeling SRL is even younger... There are very few people widowed at this age. I'll probably be the only widowed one in my friend group for another 20 years. Most haven't even lost a parent yet. Because of that, I find even close friends struggle to understand loss and grief. My dating pool is the same. They sympathize, but it's just not an experience most of them are familiar with. I think they made an honest effort. They tried. I can't blame them. Maybe it's just not something they want to deal with at this stage in their lives. I will definitely keep my eye out for other young widows!

It's hard to let those walls down when you feel others won't understand anyway... I hope SRL is doing better now that the anniversary has passed.

I think for me one of the hardest parts of being a widow at 42 is that I don’t know anyone even close to my age who has been through what I am going through.  I have been married for 22 years as we got married young.  We were happy and never separated.  We both came from households where our parents are celebrating 40 & 50 years of marriage.  
 

I can’t even begin to imagine a world where I could find someone again that I could be happy with.   Yet years and years of being alone doesn’t sound like a way that I want to live either.   I loved being married and having someone I could share everything with.  
 

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I loved being married to George too.  I was 52 when I lost him and didn't know anyone who was widowed back then either.  I know a lot of people who are now but they're all way older than me.  It doesn't seem fair.

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5 hours ago, KayC said:

I loved being married to George too.  I was 52 when I lost him and didn't know anyone who was widowed back then either.  I know a lot of people who are now but they're all way older than me.  It doesn't seem fair.

It isn’t fair.  We had plans for our 25th anniversary, plans for retirement and more.  Now I have to figure out how to live without all of the things I wanted to do so desperately with him.   Right now I have given up on happiness and am just trying for a day without tears.  So far that hasn’t happened either.  I cry because I miss him.  I cry because I am alone.  I cry because I won’t have a future with the man I love.  I cry because my daughter is now without her dad.  I cry because being a single parent is hard work and I haven’t even gone back to work yet.  I wish I could have more time with him and cry because I can’t have it.   Tonight like every other night I am going to fall asleep crying.   

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I know it's painful and exhausting, but believe it or not, the tears are part of the processing, it's good to let them out and also express yourself in words like you are here.  Sometimes when you're in the thick of it you can't see you're getting anywhere but it's all part of it.  And you have plenty of reason for your tears.  (((hugs)))

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