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dthor68

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dthor68
On 2/20 my 24 year old daughter died in an auto accident.  The last 4 days have been a nightmare.  I have been confronted with family friends who have lost loved ones too.  When I ask them what helped them through this, extremely horrible, situation their answer is God.  I have no God.

So, I am here hoping that someone can help me.  When you have no God what helps?  I have cried nonstop.  She was my world. If every human was like my girl this planet would be perfect.  She was my hiking partner who helped me find waterfalls, Timber Rattlesnakes and Green Salamanders in the SC mountains. I mention that to show you just how special she was.  Her love for nature was beyond. It kills me to know that I will never see her again.

Thanks for any help.
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Dewbs

dthor68, I am so deeply sorry for your loss.  I have been in your shoes, and, even though I have God in my life, the pain of losing my child was beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.  I am still struggling nearly 3 years later.  The first days, weeks, and months are the worst.  Grief is a process, and there is no easy way through.  Friends and family can be helpful, but I found the most comfort in talking to people who knew and loved my son.  Sharing memories to this day is the best medicine for me. I eventually found a grief counselor who helped - I still see her periodically.  God promises us abundant life here and now, and it does help in the long run to have that conviction...but, there were many times I felt lost and abandoned by Him because of the loss.  This is probably not much help, but I wish you peace and pray for your comfort.

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My girl is in heaven

Dear dthor68.   I used to be on this web site for quite sometime and unfortunately it has dwindled down to only a few but I check back here once in awhile and came across your post and am hoping I can offer you some help.  Almost 9 years ago I lost my 17 year old daughter so I know exactly the pain , the heartache you are going thru.  I have been to the deepest place in the grief pit and although you don’t think so now, you will find hope and happiness again one day.  Right at this moment your grief is so raw and fresh  you are totally submerged in your sorrow.  I know this feeling well my friend.  Right now you just need to breath, don’t plan ahead much.  Literally take one step at a time.  It’s different for everyone, whether you want people around or to just be , just letting things settle as much as you can in your mind.  If you want to let others do some chores or shopping for you, let them.  People generally don’t know what to say and unfortunately you will find as you go along that some will say some very hurtful things to you.  I basically found that friends and family became strangers and strangers became friends and family. And that is why I am reaching out my hand to you.  There is no one quick fix to coming thru your grief.  I can tell you , you must face it head on though. No side stepping or running from grief.  It can run faster and harder than you and will always be waiting for you.  But in time you will find it not so scary if you let it wash over you.  It will be some time, as right now you have to deal with all the physical and business aspects of your daughters life.  At first it will be a tiny pin hole of light so small you won’t notice it, but it will grow from there.  You will always carry your sadness right there in your heart but will be beside the joy that will start to enter your life again.  I wish I could press the fast forward button to take you to a day where you will feel the warmth of the sun again, and you will hear the birds sing, but for now you can’t feel anything but sadness.  I so, so, have been in your shoes.  But I have fought long and hard but have come to a place where joy fills my heart again.  I too, questioned how could there be a God, if he took my daughter.  But I know god didn’t look down and pick my girl, and even if you don’t believe it, he is right there beside you now and I hope in time you will come to know that and you will see your girl again one day.  I hope I have given you some hope that there will be brighter days ahead.  Even the darkest, fiercest storms have to end eventually.  You will learn to weave your sorrow into a new life which has happiness in it again.  But just for now , breathe, rest when you can, look after what needs to , remember only one little step and one day at a time, and remember your girl rides right along beside you, cradling you in her arms.  If ever you want to talk, anything at all, please feel free to email me.  I am a grieving mom , just like you, I have and am walking in your shoes dear friend.  We are the strongest people in the world, warriors, as we wage a battle that no one else can ever truly understand.  Please feel free to lean on me anytime.....Luanne Taylor 

 

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dthor68
On 2/25/2020 at 6:23 AM, Dewbs said:

dthor68, I am so deeply sorry for your loss.  I have been in your shoes, and, even though I have God in my life, the pain of losing my child was beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.  I am still struggling nearly 3 years later.  The first days, weeks, and months are the worst.  Grief is a process, and there is no easy way through.  Friends and family can be helpful, but I found the most comfort in talking to people who knew and loved my son.  Sharing memories to this day is the best medicine for me. I eventually found a grief counselor who helped - I still see her periodically.  God promises us abundant life here and now, and it does help in the long run to have that conviction...but, there were many times I felt lost and abandoned by Him because of the loss.  This is probably not much help, but I wish you peace and pray for your comfort.

You are so right. It seems like the only person that my wife and I want to speak to most is my daughters best friend. I just hope that her friend will stay in our lives. And it is very helpful, Thank You and so sorry for your loss as well.

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dthor68
3 hours ago, My girl is in heaven said:

Dear dthor68.   I used to be on this web site for quite sometime and unfortunately it has dwindled down to only a few but I check back here once in awhile and came across your post and am hoping I can offer you some help.  Almost 9 years ago I lost my 17 year old daughter so I know exactly the pain , the heartache you are going thru.  I have been to the deepest place in the grief pit and although you don’t think so now, you will find hope and happiness again one day.  Right at this moment your grief is so raw and fresh  you are totally submerged in your sorrow.  I know this feeling well my friend.  Right now you just need to breath, don’t plan ahead much.  Literally take one step at a time.  It’s different for everyone, whether you want people around or to just be , just letting things settle as much as you can in your mind.  If you want to let others do some chores or shopping for you, let them.  People generally don’t know what to say and unfortunately you will find as you go along that some will say some very hurtful things to you.  I basically found that friends and family became strangers and strangers became friends and family. And that is why I am reaching out my hand to you.  There is no one quick fix to coming thru your grief.  I can tell you , you must face it head on though. No side stepping or running from grief.  It can run faster and harder than you and will always be waiting for you.  But in time you will find it not so scary if you let it wash over you.  It will be some time, as right now you have to deal with all the physical and business aspects of your daughters life.  At first it will be a tiny pin hole of light so small you won’t notice it, but it will grow from there.  You will always carry your sadness right there in your heart but will be beside the joy that will start to enter your life again.  I wish I could press the fast forward button to take you to a day where you will feel the warmth of the sun again, and you will hear the birds sing, but for now you can’t feel anything but sadness.  I so, so, have been in your shoes.  But I have fought long and hard but have come to a place where joy fills my heart again.  I too, questioned how could there be a God, if he took my daughter.  But I know god didn’t look down and pick my girl, and even if you don’t believe it, he is right there beside you now and I hope in time you will come to know that and you will see your girl again one day.  I hope I have given you some hope that there will be brighter days ahead.  Even the darkest, fiercest storms have to end eventually.  You will learn to weave your sorrow into a new life which has happiness in it again.  But just for now , breathe, rest when you can, look after what needs to , remember only one little step and one day at a time, and remember your girl rides right along beside you, cradling you in her arms.  If ever you want to talk, anything at all, please feel free to email me.  I am a grieving mom , just like you, I have and am walking in your shoes dear friend.  We are the strongest people in the world, warriors, as we wage a battle that no one else can ever truly understand.  Please feel free to lean on me anytime.....Luanne Taylor luannej@rogers.com

 

I am actually a grieving Dad, but all the same.  I do have some questions for you so thanks for the alternate channel. My daughters funeral is today so I need to get ready.  Thank You so much for your kind words and so sorry for your loss. It is such a horrible thing. Look forward to speaking to you soon.

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Shinalyn

I think I know how you feel, but I can't really say what helps because I too am still traumatized. My 30 yo son died unexpectedly in early February and he was the the most important person in my life since the day he was born. My only child. I cannot imagine how I will get through this, or if I even want to. My only slight comfort so far has been speaking with those who knew him well, not those who know me well. I guess there really isn't anything new under the sun. But I too wanted offer my deepest sympathy and if you ever want to talk it would be my honor. 

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Mason’s Mom

Dthor68 & Shinalyn,  both of you are so early in your grief but I think you found the right place.  We are all finding our way through the worst nightmare a parent can face. My son left this world December 17, 2017, So I have been grieving for just over 2 years. One thing a friend told me during the first week was so simple but made an impact,  she said "remember to breathe ". She had lost a son as well and as the days passed I noticed I had stopped taking deep breaths,  the pain was so great.  I would make myself take a deep breath and release it slowly.  Grief is  a  personal thing and you need determine what is  best for you and remember you other lived , spouses may grieve in a different way. That's okay. One of my biggest fears is that others will forget Mason,  so we have a memorial scholarship in his honor as well as a bench at the  school he attended. 

I hope each of tinder comfort and peace. 

Carol 

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dthor68

It has been 18 days and I still can not believe she is gone. It is like I am stuck in a foggy nightmare. Last night my 19 year old son came to us wanting to visit his friends.  They were having a cookout and he would not be home till midnight.  Now how should one deal with that?  My daughter loved driving from day 1 and she was a good driver. My son, he does not like driving, he seems uncomfortable. Just a couple months back I told my daughter that I worried about him driving and it was so nice not having to worry like that about her driving. How should that make me feel?  While teaching my son to drive I would go over many scenarios that he should always be aware of. Like if you take your eyes off the road you could cross the line and hit someone head on. I added if you were both traveling at 60 mph it would be like hitting a wall at 120 mph, you would die. I also gave my daughter scenarios when we were out.  Several months back we went to a waterfall that required a 12 mile drive down a one lane dirt road. I told her how crazy it is that you can be on a road that has no cars but every time you hit an area with a blind spot, like a curve or a hill, there is always a car at that point where you really need all of the road.  Sure enough I proved that theory right at the next curve. So my daughter died because she passed a slow snow plow truck on a hill.  It just so happens at that time there was a car cresting the hill on the other side.  She hit the car head on, there were no skid marks at all.  The driver of the other car, a 55 year old woman, was also killed.  All of those scenarios. And all of those times when my wife had a bad feeling and I was like, you worry to much.  Well this time I was worried too.

So, what do you do when your son wants to go out for a drive when your daughter just died behind the wheel?  And how can you go on living when you feel like it is all your fault?

BTW, we told my son that we would take him and pick him up. We asked him to give us some time. He chose not to go and we all sat and watched you tube videos. 

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Mason’s Mom

dthor68, we all experience feelings of guilt.  I know exactly what you feel when your son asks to go out. We have three children, Mason was our only son and middle child.  When he passed away our oldest daughter was 25 and our youngest just 17.  We clung to them and didn't want them out of our sight.  They were very understanding but it was still a trying time.  It has been just over 2 years and I still have fears of losing them.  Our son died of a sudden heart disease (undiagnosed) and we received a call from the state medical examiner advising they needed a complete heart checkup and testing.  So not only were we dealing with the loss of our son but our daughters could possibly have the same disease.  The waiting for test results was excruciating.  I still want to spend as much time with them as possible, our oldest married in October and our baby is in college.  I know that they have to move forward and I want to show them how much they mean to me.  

You talk about the driving I had always worried about Mason's driving and thought if anything happened it would be a car accident.  My worst fear wasn't what happened.  Cherish your son and family.  

May you find peace and comfort.

Carol

 

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dthor68

Thanks Carol. Very sorry for your loss. It is a horrible experience.

Today I have been trying to be more positive.  I made a couple of bird houses, bluebird and wren.  I also finished a couple of large planters.  My daughter and I planned on giving our backyard back to nature.  So, I plan on doing a lot of gardening with perennial, native wildflowers and grasses. My daughter was also planning on hiking the Appalachian trail.  She was walking 9 miles a day.  I would love to do the entire trail but my wife does not want that. So, we plan on doing this thing called trail magic, where you feed through hikers at some point on the trail.  My wife ordered these cards with my daughters photo and a piece about her.  They are attached to a landyard that the hikers can carry with them and leave at the furthest spot on the trail, hopefully Maine.  Or, they can pass them off to other hikers.  So, trying to be positive. 

Thanks for all the kind words and help,

 

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Mason’s Mom

Dthor68, that is a wonderful idea, your daughter's hike. If you are like me I want Mason to be remembered.  It is so important to me that he not be forgotten. Spend time in your yard and keep your heart and mind open for little messages or reminders of your daughter. In the last few years my husband, my daughters and I have all felt Mason's presence and feel that he has helped us in  our darkest hours as well as so of the brightest as well. For example my youngest daughter played high school golf. During her round at the state tournament she played using a golf ball from the memorial tournament.  It was engraved with the tournament logo "Big Country ", this was a nickname for him. She played the best round of her life,  used the same ball from start to finish.  She finished second place in state.  PROUD MOM. She told us she felt him with her the entire day.  It may take months and you may not experience anything like this but be open and hope you get these experiences. 

Peace and comfort. 

 

Carol 

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Joes mom
On 2/20 my 24 year old daughter died in an auto accident.  The last 4 days have been a nightmare.  I have been confronted with family friends who have lost loved ones too.  When I ask them what helped them through this, extremely horrible, situation their answer is God.  I have no God.

So, I am here hoping that someone can help me.  When you have no God what helps?  I have cried nonstop.  She was my world. If every human was like my girl this planet would be perfect.  She was my hiking partner who helped me find waterfalls, Timber Rattlesnakes and Green Salamanders in the SC mountains. I mention that to show you just how special she was.  Her love for nature was beyond. It kills me to know that I will never see her again.

Thanks for any help. modify_inline.gif  

I lost my beautiful 18 year old son on Feb 10 to a hit and run driver. His dad and I separated a few years ago, so it was he and I. The driver of the car sped off and left my son to die in a crosswalk. He was walking home from the library. I feel that my life has basically ended. I totally understand when you say there is no God. If there was, how could you take our kids????? My son was the most kindest non judgmental person you would ever meet. I’ve been in the shelter in place with his ashes. There is no God for me at this time.


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Mason’s Mom

I am so sorry Joe's Mom. We all understand your pain. You are not alone even if it feels like it. 

I struggled with prayer after losing my son. We will never have answers as to why so I am learning to focus on what made my son so special.  I try to honor him and keep his memory alive. Sometimes just something so small that most wouldn't even notice. But I  know. 

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