When grief becomes unbearable

[ksiemb]

This was a favorite of my Wife Dolly, so I keep it on her Memorial Table, and I read it when grief overtakes me. Rest in Peace my Love.

I'm Free
Don't Grieve for me, for now I am free
I'm following the path God laid for me,
I took his hand when I heard him call
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found that place at close of day.
If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss
Ah yet, these things I too shall miss.
Be not Burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me
God wanted me now, he set me free.
Author Unknown
 

[Missy1]

Beautiful...but still so sad...

[Moment2moment]

It only makes me want to be with her more each day.

[Missy1]

I feel, so very scared like I’m sliding down an ice mountain and it’s so cold, I am going fast, out-of-control and I know I’m gonna crash!  I am so scared and alone!

Even though  i am terrified I am looking forward to the crash, I know it’s inevitable and I can only exist in this state so long...

[Moment2moment]

That image of sliding is a good one that I can relate to. I called it the "black hole" last year. I would have a few good days where maybe for a moment I felt a little bit of joy or peace but then BAM! I fell into this abyss.  I never knew when it was coming. 

I am approaching my 2nd year anniversary and the ups and downs aren't so much. I am now just in this holding zone of missing her and trying to continue in some version of a life until we are together again.

What helped me through that first year of shock was having a counselor. Just someone to get my emotions out with. I have since become aware that I was basically in shock that first year and numbed out a lot of stuff. I was focused on keeping busy and trying to begin to recover my health, physical and emotional.

This past 2nd year both areas of my health took a big nosedive.I lost a lot of weight,  my hair fell out, and aged 10 years. Depression. I kept working and doing other things like rescuing dogs, but the final 5 years of caregiving and loss of my love and our dogs just about finished me off. 

There were days when I wanted to end it, not gonna lie. Then around last autumn a kind of peace came in and leveled me off. I guess I cried and screamed and prayed enough and now it was time to rest and accept my journey into healing and recovery.

I just got Medicare so I am seeing a doctor for a physical and starting to scout out another therapist for recovery work. I struggle of course but it is getting better in that I feel a future and hope for ongoing peace and joy. I do some work that I like and it pays the bills and the 2 dogs that I have now are healthy. 

Come here often, if not daily.  Find a grief counselor or one friend who will listen to you vent and cry. Take care of your health and get out of the house. Isolating can be good but so is getting out among people sometimes too.

It will get better, but meanwhile find yourself some support, distractions, work, or something to do besides sit and feel despair all the time. Cultivate a life from scratch if you have to.

Never give up a vision for a future.

Life is a gift, one day or one hour or one moment at a time.

Peace and Love, 

Lily Bell

[Missy1]

Thank you! I will read this over and over  and try to pull myself out. I had a bad counselor he was in it for $$, i quit going.

The only thing that calms me are thoughts and plans on how I can cut my life short here without freaking everyone out. Neat clean accident or heart attack.

I feel your pain in your experience, I am so  sorry you are in this zone as well. I am glad you have moments of peace in-between the pain! 

At least I can honestly express my feelings here without judgement. It helps... today 2/26 at 1411 is exactly 4 weeks since he left me here in my own.

[Left behind]

In two days it will be 4 weeks for me as well. Black hole is exactly how I describe it. I often think of ways to cut my life short because the only peace I get right now is when I think about being with him again. I have also lost quite a bit a weight, but I force myself to try and eat at least one meal a day. I'm so sorry we are all here having to go through this. O struggle with trying to find distractions because almost everything brings back a memory. Family and friends call, but it's hard to answer when it's just to hard to talk to people right now. When his kids call me I do answer, because I know this is hell for them too. Jason's parents want to go to lunch with me on Saturday, and it's hard to think about, because I haven't been out to eat since my Jason passed. It was something we really enjoyed doing together. I struggle with trying to form some sort of new routine without him. I do come here daily, because it truly does help talking to others who unfortunately understand what we are all going through. I have moments of numbness but that is often short lived. I am sliding down that icy mountain with you Missy1, and am also waiting for the crash. 

[Rhonda R]

I'm sorry you are both struggling so much.  I remember that early raw grief.  I felt true physical pain.  We work so hard in the beginning to try to make sense of it all and re-write the ending.  Neither can be done but what we wouldn't give.  Memories are very painful right now but for most, they aren't always.  There are many memories of my husband now that make me smile.  The journey through grief isn't something you can explain away, it's something you have to experience for yourself.  It will be different for everyone.  It will take longer for some and shorter for others.  For me, there was a point of acceptance, as Lily Bell describes.  It wasn't that I let go of him, stopped missing him, or stopped loving him.  I accepted my circumstances and that was so hard, but peaceful.  Grief is like putting pieces of sand in a baggie one day at a time.  If you keep at it, eventually, you will fill the baggie.  Yes, it's hard work and it takes a long time but I don't think we could wrap our minds around it any other way.  I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I don't still have some really bad days, I do.  I've been at this long enough to know I will make it through it and it will pass.  I appreciate the good days because I know there will be another bad one. 

Right now, for you,  it's all about survival and looking for someone who understands and as you say, won't judge.  You are doing that.  Every day you get out of bed.  Every day you come here, is one more piece of sand in the bag.  You may crash along the way, I know I did.  I had to force myself to pick myself back up again.  I had to remind myself that my life was worth something and I could still do something with it.  Here I am trying to provide support to people in their darkest time and accepting their help when I need it.  That's something. 

[Missy1]

After being at work for almost a week I would have to say the most exhausting thing is the constant attention it’s like I get it everybody’s acknowledged yeah but I mean it becomes exhausting as everybody looks at you like oh my God look at that poor broken woman! just treat me like a human being! do you have to talk about my dead husband every time you look at me or Ask, how are you holding up, just treat me like a person people!!!

[Moment2moment]

I had the opposite. No support during her long illness and hospice time or her death except 2 friends out of state on the phone. I wasn't working because I had become a full time caregiver. After her death not one person from her family even acknowledged her death.

I called a few people up daily and saw not a living soul except when I stepped out the door. For the first month I could barely do that due to panic attacks and ptsd. I got a therapist 2 months later because I called up the hospice director seeking help. They provided me with a counselor for 10 months and then kicked me out the week before the year anniversary of her death. That is another story but that treatment literally almost killed me because it hurt as much as my original loss. Beyond cruel and unethical

Take any support you can get. Be grateful that someone is calling you and cares. I envy that, I really do. Having any family and a real job to go to is a blessing.

In my version of grief there is no talking with anyone so I must find myself a therapist because I have a lot of unresolved emotions that are keeping me down.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling...

[Missy1]

Have you tried to seek out people for human interaction. Church’s have free grief groups. I just don’t want to go, I hate that stuff! Also maybe a bar or group of acquaintances perhaps that you know.

churches in your area have groups of people who meet up for social interaction or to just talk that have experienced loss. 
 

[Missy1]

Last night I dreamt that I died in my sleep, it was wonderful so peaceful and happy beyond words...then I woke up it was 2:30 AM , was unable to get back to sleep. 3 or 4 is the best I can do lately. I have started drinking daily to ease the pain and help me fall asleep. 

At work I started choking on a bite of food, I was at my desk. I almost blacked out, was unable to breathe then I coughed the blockage out, I felt embarrassed. 
I think the body’s  natural response is to fight to live...

[KayC]

  Drinking is a depressant so not something we need especially in early grief.  There is no way to drown our grief, only ourselves.  

It often takes 2 or 3 tries to find the right counselor.

Lily Bell, glad to hear from you that you're doing better!  Love being Medicare age except some of the aches/pains that come with the age!

[Rhonda R]

I agree with KayC, drinking won't ease the pain for long.  There are other options for help with sleeping, my doctor gave me something at first.  Yes, the body's natural response is to fight to live.  I switched counselors too. 

[Missy1]

My husband is dead!!! Do you just scream that out loud and think WTF how could that be true!!! Nooooo wayyyy!!! 
Only thing more horrible is that I am still alive! 
 

[Moment2moment]

Actually I did and still do a lot of screaming out loud where people can't hear me which is in my home. And I talk to my loved one all the time. I got a part time job right after that kept me busy and got me out. I drove and delivered flowers and blasted my music which was very therapeutic. I had a ton of bottled up anger from years of dealing with caregiver stress and lots of losses before her death. 

Do whatever helps. I cannot imagine myself in a support group as I am a very private person but I know I need to find another therapist to rant and rave and cry with.

For now just get through one day at a time. Call the Suicide hotline if you need to talk. I have done that a few times.

I numb out with TV and video games and business or naps. Chocolate, pizza, ice cream! 

You might find a grief counselor through a local hospice organization.

Please seek someone to talk to and keep us posted-

 

[Left behind]

I go out on my porch and I yell at God and the universe, and my Jason almost every night. I also talk to Jason every day. I also try to numb out to TV and some games. Games are hard for me because Jason and I liked to play games together often. Music is hard but I just bypass all the songs we listened to and some of the ones he really really liked. If I don't bypass them it puts me into a bad head space. I have almost called the hotline a couple times myself, but I'm terrified of being MH arrested. My food choices have been pretty horrible but I only eat once a day for the most part.Jason and I were eating super healthy before he passed, but now I just don't care anymore, plus I haven't been able to bring myself to use the stove yet. Still working on it though. Oddly enough regardless of my food choices I still manage to lose weight, mostly because Its really hard to have an appetite right now. So I basically bribe myself to eat by making sure it's something I really really like. Chocolate is always a plus because it causes the body to release the "feel good" endorphins which helps with mood. The darker the chocolate the better.  

[Moment2moment]

I saw Joe Biden on TV today talking about how he endured the losses in his life of a wife and 2 children. 

He said the way he survived was he Knew he had to "to find a purpose".

I guess that is most of what I struggle with now.

It is like a loss of both purpose and identity. I no longer know who I am and what my life is supposed to be about now that she is gone because she WAS my life and our family was my purpose.

My dogs give me purpose at ythe very minimum.  Working gig work at this point is only for survival, to pay the bills, and I struggle to do that.

I had a profession and have degrees out the kazoo but aging and a changing economical landscape have bottomed out opportunities for what I used to do and who I was.

No kids, grand kids, or much family to connect to and be a part of. They are all gone except 2 cousins who try to stay connected. A few friends older than me and we try to keep up with each other.

So "what's next?" is the Big Question.

Maybe a dark chocolate Snickers ice cream bar and a good book. It can be that simple!

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Missy1 said:

My husband is dead!!! Do you just scream that out loud

I remember going out in the woods and just screaming at the top of my lungs!  Probably scared the bears and cougars away.  It's cathartic to let it out.  I wouldn't do it in your neighborhood though, you might have the police at your door.

20 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

Chocolate, pizza, ice cream! 

I did that...gained weight.  Now I'm finally trying to lose it.  Emotional eating landed me with Diabetes, one of the things that contributed to my husband's death.  So be careful not to gain too much, Neuropathy is a tormentor.

19 hours ago, Left behind said:

Chocolate is always a plus because it causes the body to release the "feel good" endorphins which helps with mood.

I started taking SAM-e which also helps with mood elevation...naturally.  Gave it to my dog when he had cancer too.  Also benefits liver and joints.

10 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

It is like a loss of both purpose and identity.

It took me probably at least three years to process George's death, longer yet to find a purpose (which is helping people with grief, including starting a Grief Support Group) and even longer to build a life I can live.  The more we do to help ourselves the better off we are.  I can't stress enough how important it is to get help because we need someone who can point us the way and it helps to express our grief.  Try to throw suicide out the window as an option...it would do to our loved ones what we've been going through, it'd be a torment we wouldn't wish on anyone we love.

10 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

So "what's next?" is the Big Question.

Maybe a dark chocolate Snickers ice cream bar and a good book. It can be that simple!

Whatever good thing we can do to get through our day!  We need something to look forward to and enjoy, even if it's something that simple!

[foreverhis]

On 2/27/2020 at 7:39 AM, Missy1 said:

I have started drinking daily to ease the pain and help me fall asleep. 

I am not asking for an answer, just asking you to think about this.  How much are you drinking?  Is it a lot more than usual or just a little bit?  Are you drinking so much that you "pass out"?  If so, I have to tell you that I'd worry about you.  Please remember, as others have said, that alcohol is a depressant and over time will make us feel worse emotionally and harm us physically.

I have a glass of wine every evening now.  Sometimes two and maybe even three throughout a long evening if I'm with friends or family.  Once in a while I have a homemade cocktail with friends and then a glass of wine with dinner.  That's a bit more than I was drinking when my husband was with me, but not a huge amount.  Though there's no history of alcoholism in my family, I don't want to become the first and I really don't want to be known as "the crazy drunk widow who lives down the street."  So I consciously, intentionally refrain from the second or third drink most of the time because I fear coming to rely on it more and more.

My husband didn't drink at all due to a sensitivity to the enzymes in it.  (I find this interesting.  Between 3% and 5% of the population react to the enzymes in alcohol the same way celiac patients react to gluten.  It's not pleasant, so after he was diagnosed and we learned why he was having so many intestinal problems, he decided a glass of wine wasn't worth feeling crappy for 2 days.)  He was perfectly fine with my still enjoying it and even encouraged me to have a glass of wine if I was having a particularly bad day, but I really didn't drink all that much once I reached my late 40s.

IMO and according to my doctor, it's better to take medication, either OTC or prescription, to help with sleep.  You could start with something like melatonin or magnesium, which can help with sleep, muscle cramps, and anxiety as well.  If that's not enough, then I urge you to ask your doctor for a small prescription of something he or she thinks might help.  I know you've been struggling, so definitely not a large amount at this point, not until you're sure you won't take too much just to dull the pain.  I take an anti-anxiety medication to help with sleep.  It's allowed me to go from 3 or 4 hours to a split 6 or even 8 hours total at night. 

I've also started doing restorative yoga a couple of times a week to help with my depression, strengthen my body, and help with relaxation.  I gained nearly 30 lb while my husband was fighting his cancer and in the first months after I lost him.  My cortisol levels were sky high, so my doctor told me that it would take a long time to even be able to start taking it back off.  He said lowering my overall stress levels through appropriate activity like physical therapy to help with my medical conditions and gentle or flowing yoga.  I can't say it's helped with my weight just yet, but my cortisol levels have started to come down and my body feels better overall.  I now actually look forward to the day, maybe a year from now, when I can wear my regular clothes again.

 

On 2/27/2020 at 10:27 AM, Missy1 said:

My husband is dead!!! Do you just scream that out loud and think WTF how could that be true!!! Nooooo wayyyy!!! 

Absolutely!  Scream, yell, rant.  Be angry because you have every right to be.  I suggest doing your ranting at home as I do because I don't want anyone to call the men in little white coats to take me away.  Actually I have yelled WTF (and not the abbreviated version) at home alone.  It doesn't "fix" things, but it can help release a bit of stress for a while.  It's definitely cathartic for me.  And if you believe in God, go ahead and yell at Him (or Her, as the case may be) too.  God is strong enough and understanding enough to take both our anger and our love.

I talk to my husband every day.  I don't talk to him as much as I did right at first, but I tell him good morning, look out the windows and comment on the day, tell him how much I love him and miss him, ask him to forgive my faults and failings, remind him our private wedding vows went beyond "death do us part" to "even death won't part us now," and sometimes I still tell him he needs to come home (not in denial, but that's how much I miss and need him).  I ask for his advice as I talk things through sometimes. If I make a choice that I think is different from what his would have been, I might say, "What?  You're not here, so you don't get to judge my choice about that."  I don't blame him for "leaving me" though because he didn't leave, cancer took him from us.  I'm not sure it matters in the long run how or why our soul mates were taken from us because the result is the same and we are left here alone, floundering around trying to find a life we can live without them.

It takes a long time just to process what we have lost, so please don't push yourself to move forward.  And keep coming here.  It really helps me, so I'm hoping it helps you too.

[Rhonda R]

On ‎2‎/‎27‎/‎2020 at 12:27 PM, Missy1 said:

My husband is dead!!! Do you just scream that out loud and think WTF how could that be true!!!

Yes.  You scream it so hard you think you might permanently damage your vocal cords. 

[Missy1]

Anddddd I am bracing up for a weekend. Help me... 

[Left behind]

I am totally spent. Today was so so hard, as is everyday. Today I went out to lunch with a friend for the first time since his death. The restaurant we were originally going to go to was not open because the owner is on vacation. So we ended up going to a local restaurant that Jay and I used to go to often. It was so hard at first, but got better as we talked. Now, I just feel so sick and like I am on autopilot, except my body is fighting everything right now. I feel like I got hit by a semi. I am so tired of fighting everyday. I feel so exhausted but I can't get a good night's sleep, and when I do I dream of Tornados all the time. I tend to dream about them everytime I feel like I have no control in my life. I just want to throw in the towel and admit defeat. I just don't have it in me anymore.

[EternalFlames]

On 2/27/2020 at 10:39 AM, Missy1 said:

Last night I dreamt that I died in my sleep, it was wonderful so peaceful and happy beyond words...then I woke up it was 2:30 AM , was unable to get back to sleep. 3 or 4 is the best I can do lately. I have started drinking daily to ease the pain and help me fall asleep. 

At work I started choking on a bite of food, I was at my desk. I almost blacked out, was unable to breathe then I coughed the blockage out, I felt embarrassed. 
I think the body’s  natural response is to fight to live...

When my wife was terminal in palliative care, I needed a few drinks to get to sleep. Could not get to sleep without it, not knowing what was happening with her or if she would make it through the night, but a few drinks would get me to sleep peacefully so I could function the next day and hae the strength to be there for her. One drink turned into 3 then 5... became a daily habit....

But then when she died I felt something in my brain chemistry change. Those drinks stopped relaxing me. They started making me suicidally depressed, in some dark pit of emptiness and despair, but the feeling would pass as soon as the booze was out of my system. I mean I was always sad, but I only felt suicidal hungover, it was like 2 degrees more depressed. Alcohol is a depressant. When you combine that with grief, it can really mess you up. I strongly recommend you cut out the drinks for at least a month and seek help for other ways to cope. The drinking might be responsible for these thoughts of dying... Please be safe!!

Your husband would NOT want you to die too. Both of you dead... it would be such a waste. Please take care of yourself so one of you can keep living, do it for him. Seek professional help if you need it. I had to do a lot of counselling.

 

[EternalFlames]

2 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Anddddd I am bracing up for a weekend. Help me... 

Look for healthy outlets for those feelings, something other than booze.

For me it was exercise and music. Some do better writing and journalling. Some like punching bags or a gun range. Whatever works for you, take it all out on something, get it out of your system.
 

[Missy1]

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

 

I talk to my husband every day.  I don't talk to him as much as I did right at first, but I tell him good morning, look out the windows and comment on the day, tell him how much I love him and miss him, ask him to forgive my faults and failings,

I do this to, everything you said resonated with me! Still I have moments of peace then my moments 

I have no doubt that I will go where he is as I did in life I always went where he was sometimes it was a little harder for me he’s he was stronger and he always lead the way this is just a little more difficult I think about it every day I’ll find away I promise you I’ll find a way....

[Missy1]

I feel so disconnected, I don’t even recognize my surroundings. It’s likeI am  living in some museum. A life that existed that was amazing but is now is gone... who lived here,, was it really me?

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Left behind said:

tend to dream about them everytime I feel like I have no control in my life. I just want to throw in the towel and admit defeat.

I am so sorry you're having these dreams.  Are you on sleep medication?  If not, maybe it'd help you get into a deep enough sleep you wouldn't remember the dreams?  IDK, just a thought.  It's natural to feel your life is out of your control right now...different things happen that can make us feel that way and top of the list is a loss like this.  Sometimes we do just get so tired of the struggle.  But I hope while you can give yourself a break right now, that you keep going for the long run because things have a way of changing/evolving on down the road.  (((hugs))) 

[KayC]

I just read today's Dr. Oz and Rozen and they said if we reduce carbs and lower glycemic index we'll have a better chance of sleeping well.  (High fiber, low carbs)  Since most don't care what they're eating when grieving, it will take effort to choose.

[Moment2moment]

I sleep like a log when I do nod off, but since I am retired and do my own gig schedule I have a lot of flexibility as to when I sleep.

I might get up at 5am, be up for a few hours, take a nap, stay up late, etc. I love the early morning and to be up late sometimes, so it works for me. 

I have books to read and films to watch and dogs always love a walk anytime. These things are all good activities to help me find peace and joy.

My first year I was in shock and just trying not to take my own life. If it weren't for my dogs I would have. All I wanted was to go with her, but my dogs needed me and I was not going to leave them as they are innocent loving creatures.

I still have moments of wanting to be gone, but that desire has given way to wanting to stay now.

Part of me lives in the past, most in the present, and some ponders a future that is undefined.

Trying to recover my health and find viable income sources keeps me in the present which I find is best for my mental and spiritual health.

I wanted to share this with you, Missy. I hope it uploads. It has helped me through many a rough spot.

[Missy1]

I am at dealership selling my car, I feel like it’s a step toward an unburdened life. I will sell as much my stuff as possible. I will drive his truck, it’s old but paid for.
I can still smell him in truck. He smelled like lemons and sunshine I used to tell him, it’s true!

Today is leap year day, would be cool day to pass away, just saying, maybe God will take me today?

[Missy1]

Thank you for sharing that it’s beautiful. I can barely stand to think that he might be so close. 
I admire that you have held on and have moments that are tolerable. I don’t want to accept it. I don’t want time to go on without “us”. 

[Left behind]

I thought about getting some sleeping pills, but I can't be trusted with them right now. When I have a really bad day I would be too tempted, and impulsive enough to use them to off myself. I have been trying to keep my environment clear of temptations, which is my counselor's suggestion. He is definitely not wrong though. There have been nights that if I had a gun I know I would have used it. I have ADHD fairly hardcore, so impulsiveness is something I struggle with daily anyways, add depression from my grief, and it makes for some very dicey nights. Sleep has always been a bit of an issue with me, it's just worse now because of losing the love of my life.  Having Jason next to me in bed always helped me fall asleep. He told me he would always wait to sleep untill he knew I was sleeping, because he wanted to make sure I was all good. I would turn over and hold him, and it would instantly relax me. He was my everything. God I miss him so much.  His parents stopped by this morning and dropped off a beautiful memorial coin that their neighbors had made for us.

[Missy1]

I do have guns, I took one and couldn’t operate it, too drunk, it jammed.
I just started crying and collapsed on the ground and sobbed. He was one who knew about guns I just went along with him. After seeing him do that to himself it’s  too painful and very violent, can’t do it!! 

[Missy1]

21 minutes ago, Left behind said:

His parents stopped by this morning and dropped off a beautiful memorial coin that their neighbors had made for us.

That is really cool! I am too emotional to even have his military services still. I will wait till I can handle it. I guess I am a am a selfish coward I can’t honor him! 
much like you he was my rock, I am the one who was moody and emotional. He was my calm angel, we took care of each other in this world!!

[Missy1]

As I pulling up to sell my car the song Band of Gold came on. The same song played in my car yesterday as well. I never even really heard the song, it’s a very old song! The universe mocking me I guess, here are lyrics that spoke to me...

Now that you're gone
All that's left is a band of gold
All that's left of the dreams I hold
Is a band of gold
And the memories of what love could be
If you were still here with me...

[Missy1]

On 2/28/2020 at 7:13 PM, EternalFlames said:

But then when she died I felt something in my brain chemistry change. Those drinks stopped relaxing me. They started making me suicidally depressed, in some dark pit of emptiness and despair, but the feeling would pass as soon as the booze was out of my system.

Yeah I get that, I just feel like that release is something, nothing good going on it’s negative you are right! I will have to keep it In check. Thanks for sharing.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I do have guns, I took one and couldn’t operate it, too drunk, it jammed.
I just started crying and collapsed on the ground and sobbed. He was one who knew about guns I just went along with him. After seeing him do that to himself it’s  too painful and very violent, can’t do it!! 

This scares me that you came so close to committing suicide...had the gun not jammed.  It also shows me you're supposed to be here but honestly, please do not test fate.  Our choices/actions do affect our outcome.  Drink a helluva lot less and call the suicide hotline when you're feeling this way.  Remember, alcohol is a depressant...do you really think you need to be more depressed that you already feel?

20 hours ago, Left behind said:

I thought about getting some sleeping pills, but I can't be trusted with them right now. When I have a really bad day I would be too tempted, and impulsive enough to use them to off myself. I have been trying to keep my environment clear of temptations, which is my counselor's suggestion. He is definitely not wrong though. There have been nights that if I had a gun I know I would have used it.

You are wise to know your temptations and limitations and to keep yourself safeguarded.  Remember, a few years from now you won't be feeling this intensity as you are right now and by then will have adjusted a great deal.  Yes you will always love and miss him but that's not a bad thing.  I've found that because George and I loved so fully, it carries me...the rest of my life if need be.  We may not have been together as long as we would have liked to, but we sure crammed a whole lot of loving into the few years we had together!