Members Missy1 Posted February 16, 2020 Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2020 My first Sunday without him and by myself, family has left returning to their lives. It hurts to breathe and waves of pain thru my body. This was our day for church then brunch, I sit here sobbing his ashes by my side, nothing feels okay about any of this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Left behind Posted February 16, 2020 Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2020 I know 100% how you feel!!!. People kept telling me the hardest day was going to be his funeral. I. Found the hardest has been everyday afterwards. People go home and your left trying to survive the best you can, and trying to adjust to a new routine that feels impossible to adjust to. I am almost three weeks out since the passing of my beautiful Jason and I still can't breathe most days. I haven't been able to do any of the things we used to do, because it hurts too much to do them without my soulmate. I feel lost and alone and the person that I always confided in, and who always made me feel better is gone. I miss him so so much and it hurts like no pain I have ever experienced. I hurt for him and the future we were suppose to have together. I can't even imagine having a future without him in it. You are not alone in this worst journey ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted February 16, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2020 I read your posts, I am so sorry for you to, I am here and in the worst pain as well. It’s exhausting I don’t want to get better, I can’t do this, yet I don’t know if we have any choices. I pray every night for this to not be real, if it then don’t let me wake up, it’s cruel. God scoop me up give my life to someone who has a reason to live. I offer it up and hope to just pass away in my sleep, join my love wherever he is I not afraid to go, I am afraid to stay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted February 16, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2020 My husband and I have been thru hell together in life we survived by holding each other up. I am so weak and damaged I can’t do this without him. People do not get it, there Is no going forward I will slowly lose my **** till I am in an institution or homeless or dead. I am already unraveling mentally, devastating....I hope I get in a horrible accident or have a massive heart attack that result in me going with my husband. People all say they Just keep going I am not like them, we were unhealthy dependent on each other, I let him down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 16, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted February 16, 2020 Missy, I am sorry, I know how hard it is. My husband died on Father's Day 2005. My daughter stayed with me for a while and my son got a week or two from the Air Force but soon they were back to their lives and it was just me. I remember that time all too well. I remember how hard it was to go to church without him. I remember how hard it was the first time I ate out alone. And our best friends never invited me over again. All friends disappeared on me. But I made new ones. And I've been surviving almost 15 years now. We get through this somehow, I can't say how, all I know is I didn't see how I could live w/o him for one week, we were always together when we weren't at work, but...we do. I hope you will call a suicide hotline. I remember the feelings like you are feeling, hang in there, give yourself a chance to get through this, it takes time and effort, I know, you feel you have neither, but you do. I'm glad you're expressing yourself here, that helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted February 17, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted February 17, 2020 I am going to survive this, never be the same but I no choice... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted February 17, 2020 Members Report Share Posted February 17, 2020 4 hours ago, Missy1 said: I am going to survive this, never be the same but I no choice... IMO, that's the first step most of us seem to take. It's not "acceptance" except in meaning "I know this happened." We don't accept that it was right for us to lose our soulmates and we don't accept that it was right for them to die when they all had more life to live. But we do accept that we cannot change the "now." So we wake up each day, we breathe in and out, and we get out of bed because that is what we must do. No, none of us will ever be the same and very few people understand that. Often, others want us to get back to "normal" because it's hard or uncomfortable for them to deal with our grief. But we will never go back to that normal and I loathe the term "new normal" so much that if I was a violent person, I'd punch anyone who said it. All we can do, slowly and over much time, is learn to live with our grief and understand it will always be part of us. These days I am trying to get myself to remember that we and our soulmates are in many ways, the lucky ones. I bet I know what you're thinking: "Is she out of her mind?" The thing is that not everyone finds or has the kind of love we did/do. It's true that the deeper, more binding the love, the deeper, more desperate the pain. It's a heavy, heavy price to pay, but I'll pay it because it means my love and I had a deep, binding thread of love through all the crap that life threw at us. Even in our hardest times, it was there. Even knowing I'd be where I am now, I'd jump in again heart first. If I had a do over, I'd do better. I'd be more patient, more understanding, kinder, even more loving, and just "more" of everything that made him happy, that made me happy, and that made us happy together. But we are imperfect humans and can only do the best we could at the time. I'm working very hard to turn my guilt into regret, but it's a slow process. There are still days I feel like I should have somehow been able to save him from cancer. I wonder about each decision we, I, and the doctors made. I relive the days that my fear, stress, and exhaustion made me respond in frustration and anger. These are some of the parts of grief that seem to take the most time. On 2/16/2020 at 9:38 AM, Left behind said: I feel lost and alone and the person that I always confided in, and who always made me feel better is gone. I miss him so so much and it hurts like no pain I have ever experienced. I hurt for him and the future we were suppose to have together. It is one of the hardest things for others to grasp. The one person who was by our side, the one we turn to for love and comfort is the one who is gone. One of our members (apologies, I can't remember who) mentioned that a friend said something like, "It's like two trees that have grown together over time so that when one is taken away, the other loses its strength and support." That's how it feels and likely always will. As if a part of me is missing, leaving an empty space that can never be filled. All I can do is try to build myself around it by keeping my love in every part of my life. Then, when it's my time, I will be with my love again and I will be home. I hope he will be waiting for me with an open heart and open arms, having forgiven me my imperfections. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted February 18, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted February 18, 2020 Incredible insight, thank you for sharing! sometimes I feel I can see my existence continuing on, I will never like it, no one can make me get better. I have one love it was phenomenal and your right I am grateful and lucky to have loved so deeply. I dread going to a grief counselor. I a, going tomorrow I feel like they can’t possibly understand like people on this site do. I can’t be honest they will lock up. That is why I hate counselors, they are performing a paid service. My job people want me to go before I return to work. I do need to get out of this house and make sure I can make a living still. I just feel so physically sick, chest is heavy like each breath is mechanical and uneasy. Being in this state is exhausting. I do take care of our cats, thank god them, gets me out of bed. Reading people’s posts really helps me the most! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SSC Posted February 18, 2020 Members Report Share Posted February 18, 2020 @Missy1 I went to see a therapist very soon after my husband died. I hoped she would have some insight to make me feel better, some form of magic... I found out quickly it doesn’t work that way. I had never been to a therapist before and didn’t know what to expect. Although my therapist had not lost her husband, she recently lost her father, she was roughly my same age and had been married for a long time. The most important part was her experience in helping patients with suicide loss. I feel this is what helped the most. She had words of wisdom that helped me understand my husbands frame of mind and me coping with the guilt. Make sure you and your therapist are a good fit otherwise you will only become frustrated and not find it helpful at all. To me this forum is a form of group therapy. Come here to ask questions, vent and feel that you are understood. I am truly so very sorry for your loss. This is absolutely the worst thing that can ever happen to you and it will change your life forever. Any help or support you need, we are here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 18, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted February 18, 2020 foreverhis is right, it doesn't ever mean that we like it or agree with it but acceptance is merely realizing it did happen. Instead of "why" (which never emitted any answers for me anyhow) it's "What now?" And it's a lengthy journey we're never quite done with. My other grief site is owned and administered by a professional grief counselor and she helped me immensely. She hasn't lost her husband but she has faced loss in her life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted February 18, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted February 18, 2020 Thanks, got out of bed, showered and put on decent clothes (that was a bud deal). The private said nothing the whole hour, he just looked at me with no words like I was a pathetic messed up woman. he asked a couple of canned questions, one being, if you 3 wishes From a genie what would those wishes be? SERIOUSLY I only need one, that is foe my husband to still be alive...that was stupid hurtful question. i don’t want to go back, this site is much more insightful...the world is full of hateful hurtful people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 18, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted February 18, 2020 You tried. Not every grief counselor resonates with us, nor does every grief support group. I have lead a grief support group the last few years, I wish you all were here, I'm sure you'd be comfortable in our group. It's for spouses although anyone is welcome, it's just worked out that way. Maybe someday you can try another one, some don't feel ready for a couple of months or even a year. The important thing is to listen to your gut, which you are. And I applaud your for trying. Not sure what you meant by 4 hours ago, Missy1 said: The private said nothing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jwahlquist Posted February 26, 2020 Members Report Share Posted February 26, 2020 On 2/18/2020 at 11:22 AM, Missy1 said: Thanks, got out of bed, showered and put on decent clothes (that was a bud deal). The private said nothing the whole hour, he just looked at me with no words like I was a pathetic messed up woman. he asked a couple of canned questions, one being, if you 3 wishes From a genie what would those wishes be? SERIOUSLY I only need one, that is foe my husband to still be alive...that was stupid hurtful question. i don’t want to go back, this site is much more insightful...the world is full of hateful hurtful people. I agree with you, that was an awful question. Not all therapists are like that however. The therapist my daughter sees is wonderful. She has been making as much time for me as she can until I go through the I take process with my insurance to find my own. She asks some questions, sometimes she listens sometimes she gives me things to think about. I was torturing myself over the fact that I had to make the choice to take my husband off of life support. And she looked at me and said “But was it really a choice”. She said that knowing everything the doctors told you and his own wishes/preferences, It wasn’t a choice to take him off life support but a way to honor him and his wishes, a way to put your love for him before your own needs. She also gave me a piece of advice regarding finding a therapist. She said don’t be afraid to say thanks but this isn’t a good fit for me. So maybe if you feel you can try again. Aside from seeing a therapist, the thing helping me the most are my sleeping pills. Being able to sleep for at least 6 hours has helped me feel a bit less zombie like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AlexLeonardi Posted March 2, 2020 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2020 On 2/16/2020 at 9:32 AM, Missy1 said: My first Sunday without him and by myself, family has left returning to their lives. It hurts to breathe and waves of pain thru my body. This was our day for church then brunch, I sit here sobbing his ashes by my side, nothing feels okay about any of this. My heart goes out to you, Missy1! My prayers especially are for your comfort. No words from me can suffice, but I believe God will bring His comfort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted March 2, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2020 It just feels good to share without judgement among people who truly understand. its like we have been thrust into this cold, dark world, where many others dwell, it’s hell on earth. Searching for a way out, desperately trying to hang on to a shred of sanity! No longer knowing who we are are or why we are here. We no longer matter, no one gets us, there is no point!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Left behind Posted March 3, 2020 Members Report Share Posted March 3, 2020 100% agree. It's literally hell in Earth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted March 3, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted March 3, 2020 I know I post a lot I’m just trying to hang on to something and just belong somewhere I don’t know where to go...no one understands I don’t know who to talk to people get tired of Your pain. sometimes you just need a place where you can just bleed...this place has thus far kept me from pulling the trigger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Left behind Posted March 3, 2020 Members Report Share Posted March 3, 2020 I post almost everyday for the same reason. It's a place I can vent and where people understand the extent of the pain. I come on here especially when the pain and dark thoughts take over. It has prevented me from pulling the trigger many times. Post as much as you need too, no judgements here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted March 3, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted March 3, 2020 Thank you, I had a horrible meltdown tonight, rolling on the floor crying and screaming, I just want to go where he is...Amen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jwahlquist Posted March 3, 2020 Members Report Share Posted March 3, 2020 Breakdowns seem to come even with medication maybe just not as intense or as long. I am on Zoloft and still will have episodes of crying, sobbing, yelling and etc. sometimes it makes me feel better sometimes not so much. I think the yo-yo effect is what makes me feel crazy. When I do something to be kind to myself I feel guilty for doing it because he isn’t here to share it with. So I end feeling good for a short period of time to guilty and upset for having those brief moments of happiness Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 3, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted March 3, 2020 14 hours ago, Left behind said: It has prevented me from pulling the trigger many times I'm glad it's helping you to get it out and have a safe place to come to. We get it, you guys are living the worst part right now, it will settle down considerably...eventually. I can't stress enough to hold on until that time comes. This from someone who didn't see how she could do a week, let alone the rest of her life! 11 hours ago, jwahlquist said: When I do something to be kind to myself I feel guilty for doing it because he isn’t here to share it with. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/06/in-grief-feeling-guilty-for-feeling.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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