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Missy1

2 weeks & 1 day, feels like 1,000 years

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Missy1

Renting movie now, I am home healing up, do nothing but cry and read. I didn’t sleep last night, doz off and have a nightmare. Going back to work Monday. 
The last little mini dream I had was that I had this amazing turtle.  I used to call Karl My sea turtle and I would ride on his back in the swimming pool for fun. In my dream this turtle was broken and cracked up and it’s head had come off, the feet were off, it was in pieces. I was scrambling to try to put it back together and I couldn’t fix it, I woke up crying.

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foreverhis
5 hours ago, KayC said:

I was about to reassure it'd be okay for him to leave when the nurse threw me out.  I never saw him alive again.

I can't help but wonder, based on the deep connection you and George had, if he could feel that shift in you.  I wouldn't be surprised if he knew your heart was shattering, but that it was telling him it was okay to stop fighting.  We who have found love that is so connected understand that sometimes words aren't needed.  But I wish so much that they hadn't kicked you out.  They had no right, no right at all, to keep you from him then.

On my husband's last day when we knew the end was near, I got our daughter on my cell and put her on the speaker.  She and our granddaughter had visited just 2 weeks before, but were back in Seattle and couldn't have made it down here.  She talked to him, told him he'd been a wonderful father and grandpa, that she loved him more than anything, thanked him for always being there for her, and then told him it was okay to let go and find peace.

I don't know how much he could hear me in the very last few hours, having been on comfort care for a few days by then and with his body slowly winding down. They say that the last sense we keep is hearing, so I played our favorite music and talked to him.  When it was clear that his body could not take much more, I told him it was okay to stop fighting, that I would love him forever, and that it was time for him to go find Charlie and Penny (our beloved and extremely special dog and cat we had for 15 and 18 years).  It wasn't 15 minutes later that I held his hand while he took his last breath.  Did he hear us?  I don't know, but I hope so.

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KayC

I would like to think so for both of us, but George was in the middle of a brutal heart attack, not sure he could even think.  But we did know each other and always had that faith in one another.

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jwahlquist

Missy,

While there is absolutely nothing I can say that will make your feel better or even at peace just a little, just know that you aren’t alone.  
 

My husband of 22 years passed away unexpectedly at the age of 48 due to complications from influenza and strep.  I was teasing him even that morning about being overly dramatic. I feel so guilty for not having seen how sick he really was.   I struggle with a lot of would haves and what ifs.   I struggle with being the one who had to make the decision to take him off life support.   It is hard to imagine my life without him as he was my everything.  I thought about ending it all.  If I am honest, I still do but I have an 11 year old daughter that still needs me.   
 

What I did do instead was see my doctor and get a prescription for some sleeping pills and antidepressants.   I am also seeing a therapist.   The combination of these things keeps me at least functioning on some level.   I still hurt but not to the degree where I can’t function.  Please consider getting some help.   If you don’t feel you can do a grief support group, (I know I didn’t feel comfortable with those either), then consider seeing a therapist where it is just the two of you.    I have found that the lady I have been seeing gives me alternate perspectives and reminds me that grief is unique to each person so there isn’t a normal/right or wrong.   Sometimes it helps just to be able to vent to someone.  

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foreverhis
On 2/25/2020 at 7:04 AM, jwahlquist said:

I feel so guilty for not having seen how sick he really was.   I struggle with a lot of would haves and what ifs.   I struggle with being the one who had to make the decision to take him off life support.   It is hard to imagine my life without him as he was my everything.  I thought about ending it all.  If I am honest, I still do but I have an 11 year old daughter that still needs me.   

Guilt is a biggie for so many of us.  It's still a huge issue for me.  All the "Why did/didn't I/we/the doctors...?" and "I should/shouldn't have..." and so on are, I think, inevitable because we are the ones left here.  Our hearts and minds naturally look for a different outcome and, as we feel responsible for our loves, we naturally blame ourselves.  Because our soul mates did not deserve to die, our human minds look for reasons and answers.  But I have to tell you that a little more than 18 months into my own grief journey, I've realized we will not find answers in this life.  Maybe we'll know in the next, in whatever form we believe or even if we're not sure it even exists.

I'm not sure how you could possibly have known how sick your husband was.  It's cold and flu season.  Most of us have had the flu before.  I bet your husband's symptoms, while serious, were pretty much like we expect and have experienced before.  I've heard that this year's flus can shift rapidly and cause unexpected complications in otherwise very healthy people.  If even the doctors didn't realize it or know until it was too late, how could you?  One thing I know for sure is that we are all harder on ourselves than anyone else could be.  I can so easily be kind to my family and friends, but have trouble finding that kindness and comfort for myself.  What would you say to a friend in the same situation?  Would you offer comfort and support or would you berate him or her for not being able to see into the future?  Yet, even as I say this, I realize that it's easier said than done.

What I'm trying to do now is shift my crushing guilt into the regret it should be.  Logically (as if grief has any sort of logic!) I know that I tried do my very imperfect best as often as I could.  Still, I think of all the times I could have done better, both in the decades before my love was diagnosed and during his cancer fight.  I've always been the type to hold on to my mistakes, long after anyone else has or would have forgiven or forgotten them.  I think of every time I was unkind or inattentive or frustrated and angry.  That's a heavy burden considering my husband and I were married for 35 years (knew each other for 37). 

I'd be lying if I said I'd never considered ending it all and joining my husband.  Of course I did.  If we're honest, most of us have confronted those black thoughts from time to time, especially soon after.  Your grief is so raw, so new, and so powerful that it's no wonder you think about it.  My husband and I were also everything to each other and even in the worst of times, we had a bond that not everyone finds.  Being lucky enough to find that one person who truly does "complete" us also means that losing that person takes us into depths we didn't even know existed.  Yet it's that thread of unbreakable love that keeps me going, even as it often rips me apart.  Will it still bind us together when it's my time?  Will he be waiting for me with an open heart, having forgiven my faults and failures?  I hope so.

We too have a daughter, though she is grown and with a daughter of her own.  Our girls keep me going too.  I know our daughter, having lost just about the best dad in the world, deserves to have her mom with her for a while longer.  Our granddaughter, who adored her grandpa as he adored her, needs me to help her finish growing up hearing about her grandpa, learning more of his stories, and being reminded just how much she is loved by him even though he's not here with us.  She's 11, so I suspect you can relate to the changes starting in her life. 

Having a daughter who needs you is not the worst reason to keep going.  One thing I urge is for you to let her see you grieve.  If you try to hide your pain from her, she may think that she needs to do the same and keep her feelings locked away.  Both of you need to grieve, to let out your pain, to help and comfort each other.  Trying to hide from grief never works in the long run.  IMO, it's better for you to let her know she can talk, cry, rant, and whatever else she needs to do.

Edit: I just read your posts again and realize you've already seen your doctor and are seeing a therapist.  That's great.  Is your daughter seeing a child grief counselor?  If not, I still recommend that because losing her dad at so young an age is a lot for anyone to deal with.  Child counselors have experience in ways none of us as parents possibly can.  You might also consider going to a counselor together..

I'm so very sorry you find yourself here with us.  You've found a good place to be as you start this painful and unwelcome journey.  The members here almost literally saved my life just over a year ago when I was floundering hopeless and feeling helpless.

Edited by foreverhis

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jwahlquist
15 hours ago, Left behind said:

Having a really really hard time right now. I was doing ok untill my soulmate's son called me. He lives with his mom, but stayed with us on and off throughout the years. He is only 12, and he called me crying because he is feeling all the hurt and pain that I am too. We cried together on the phone, and I told him we will get through this somehow together. It's so unfair. I wish I could take all the pain away from him and his sister. They were looking forward to our wedding this year too. His daughter wanted to help me pick out a dress and decorations for the venue. I can't believe this is my life right now. I was looking for something in my room, and found that Jason kept every card I have ever given him from all our years together. I found a few that I had kept that he had given me. I was reading everything he wrote in them and now I'm a total mess. I thought my heart couldn't hurt any more then it already does, but I was wrong. Reading his cards and knowing he is never coming back is just unbearable. Its just all too much!!!

 

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

Guilt is a biggie for so many of us.  It's still a huge issue for me.  All the "Why did/didn't I/we/the doctors...?" and "I should/shouldn't have..." and so on are, I think, inevitable because we are the ones left here.  Our hearts and minds naturally look for a different outcome and, as we feel responsible for our loves, we naturally blame ourselves.  Because our soul mates did not deserve to die, our human minds look for reasons and answers.  But I have to tell you that a little more than 18 months into my own grief journey, I've realized we will not find answers in this life.  Maybe we'll know in the next, in whatever form we believe or even if we're not sure it even exists.

I'm not sure how you could possibly have known how sick your husband was.  It's cold and flu season.  Most of us have had the flu before.  I bet your husband's symptoms, while serious, were pretty much like we expect and have experienced before.  I've heard that this year's flus can shift rapidly and cause unexpected complications in otherwise very healthy people.  If even the doctors didn't realize it or know until it was too late, how could you?  One thing I know for sure is that we are all harder on ourselves than anyone else could be.  I can so easily be kind to my family and friends, but have trouble finding that kindness and comfort for myself.  What would you say to a friend in the same situation?  Would you offer comfort and support or would you berate him or her for not being able to see into the future?  Yet, even as I say this, I realize that it's easier said than done.

What I'm trying to do now is shift my crushing guilt into the regret it should be.  Logically (as if grief has any sort of logic!) I know that I tried do my very imperfect best as often as I could.  Still, I think of all the times I could have done better, both in the decades before my love was diagnosed and during his cancer fight.  I've always been the type to hold on to my mistakes, long after anyone else has or would have forgiven or forgotten them.  I think of every time I was unkind or inattentive or frustrated and angry.  That's a heavy burden considering my husband and I were married for 35 years (knew each other for 37). 

I'd be lying if I said I'd never considered ending it all and joining my husband.  Of course I did.  If we're honest, most of us have confronted those black thoughts from time to time, especially soon after.  Your grief is so raw, so new, and so powerful that it's no wonder you think about it.  My husband and I were also everything to each other and even in the worst of times, we had a bond that not everyone finds.  Being lucky enough to find that one person who truly does "complete" us also means that losing that person takes us into depths we didn't even know existed.  Yet it's that thread of unbreakable love that keeps me going, even as it often rips me apart.  Will it still bind us together when it's my time?  Will he be waiting for me with an open heart, having forgiven my faults and failures?  I hope so.

We too have a daughter, though she is grown and with a daughter of her own.  Our girls keep me going too.  I know our daughter, having lost just about the best dad in the world, deserves to have her mom with her for a while longer.  Our granddaughter, who adored her grandpa as he adored her, needs me to help her finish growing  up hearing about her grandpa, learning more of his stories, and being reminded just how much she is loved by him even though he's not here with us.  She's 11, so I suspect you can relate to the changes starting in her life. 

Having a daughter who needs you is not the worst reason to keep going.  One thing I urge is for you to let her see you grieve.  If you try to hide your pain from her, she may think that she needs to do the same and keep her feelings locked away.  Both of you need to grieve, to let out your pain, to help and comfort each other.  Trying to hide from grief never works in the long run.  IMO, it's better for you to let her know she can talk, cry, rant, and whatever else she needs to do.

Edit: I just read your posts again and realize you've already seen your doctor and are seeing a therapist.  That's great.  Is your daughter seeing a child grief counselor?  If not, I still recommend that because losing her dad at so young an age is a lot for anyone to deal with.  Child counselors have experience in ways none of us as parents possibly can.  You might also consider going to a counselor together..

I'm so very sorry you find yourself here with us.  You've found a good place to be as you start this painful and unwelcome journey.  The members here almost literally saved my life just over a year ago when I was floundering hopeless and feeling helpless.

Thank you for your response.   I am hoping that someday I won’t feel as guilty or torn up over everything but that time isn’t yet.   
 

My daughter was already counseling prior to her dad’s death so that has helped her a bit as she already had a relationship with her therapist.   She hides a lot of her emotions from me and everyone and always has but she is pretty open with her therapist.  

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Missy1

Noted, I feel like people have to to sink or swim, I was raised with tough love, old school, both my husband and I came from the kind of Dad’s who beat the crap out of you. I became destructive and he internalized. Two Broken people became whole, until they weren’t. Our dreams came true we had it all,

so sorry I was not there for you in that moment. I am so sorry, so much remorse, tears roll from my face till I am empty of tears. We were a different kind of love story, always holding each other, we were so happy together  but some how you slipped into a place I was not aware of! I WILL FOLLOW YOU, someday my love!

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foreverhis
11 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

My daughter was already counseling prior to her dad’s death so that has helped her a bit as she already had a relationship with her therapist.   She hides a lot of her emotions from me and everyone and always has but she is pretty open with her therapist.  

I'm glad to know you're on top of that and that she opens up with her therapist.  It can be as crucial for children as it is for adults.

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KayC

My wise grief counselor-friend says "throw the shoulds away."  Wise advice.  We need to be easier on ourselves, more understanding, treat ourselves like our own best friend because when it boils down to it, that is who we are now.  Our own best friend.  Yes we still have our best friend who died, but we're unable to get tangible answers right now, and it's a long wait...I live out my life in a way I know would make him proud, not trying to elicit that, it's just I know he is.  He always understood me, everything is said, did, thought...and had faith in me...more than I did in myself.  But having to make all the decisions in my life alone has been a confidence builder, if not also wearisome.  I still talk to him all these years later.  Now I talk to him and Arlie (my dog who passed six months ago)...if anyone peeked inside my house they'd probably have me hauled away!  But I'm no different than anyone else who has lost that special someone in their life.

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