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Missy1

2 weeks & 1 day, feels like 1,000 years

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Missy1

Right now I was mindlessly watching TV drinking a beer with chips, mind numbing crap on TV as a distraction.

all of a sudden I felt overwhelming pain and sadness, I started sobbing out no where and I couldn’t breathe, my body was racked with waves of grief and I picked up and looked up my phone, it was the exact time Karl passed officially 3 weeks ago... he didn’t want to go, I Know he is still sending me messages, he is sad he left me here.

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Rhonda R
5 hours ago, KayC said:

A lot of people probably think I imagined it, but no, it was as real as can be, no one can talk me out of my experience.  I know it for what it was.

You are right, you know it for what it is.  Why would anyone try to talk you out of your experience?  I remember in one dream, Randy and I were holding each other so tight.  I asked him, "Can you stay?"  He said, "No, but I will come back when you need me."  Before Randy died, I asked him to come to me in my dreams because I was going to need him.  He said, "I'll try as hard as I can."  It's funny that you say it takes great effort for them to get through to us because that's how I always feel in my dreams.  Like he wants to stay but he just can't. 

When the four of us girls were in Aruba, we were out in the national park with our guide.  We saw four "Aruba Eagles" that day.  Our guide said it was extremely rare to see one but four in the same area was almost unheard of.  My one friend and I have both lost our husbands and one parent, my other friend just lost her mother and my other friend her dad.  Our parents all knew each other.  Sign?  Maybe. 

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Missy1

Very cool, I know they are with us, without a doubt, but it just makes me feel like I live in this world but I also long to live in and connect with his world. I would never want him to stop sending me signs, someday we shall be called to their world!

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Rhonda R
5 minutes ago, Missy1 said:

but it just makes me feel like I live in this world but I also long to live in and connect with his world.

You are in one of the toughest spots right now.  Stuck in this world and trying to find any meaning possible all while longing so much to be with him.  I remember those days so well, we all do and some are still living it.  It's almost as if you feel like you are being pulled in two directions.  That's super hard but I do believe they check in on us from time to time and still love and think about us. 

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Missy1

 I don’t have a future why am I sticking around it’s it’s a horrible, I don’t want to live day by day like a  broken mess. 
I have never had the victim mentality, I still don’t, I used to feel like we all have choices and we can change our lives by choosing to work hard and sacrifice. This scenario never occurred to me, it’s double jeopardy. No winning, I have no opinions.

i read in one of the posts that we just get up, put on the mask, fight the battle, and then we can click off one more day...ugh 

Sometimes I wonder... I know I’m not an innocent person and this must be my punishment I feel like this is purgatory and I’m paying my dues and I never imagined it be this painful. My husband was the better one, always taking the high road. He made me a better person in 28 years we were together (26 married).

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Rhonda R

I felt the exact same way but I truly don't believe that God or the universe or whatever you believe in would take someone else's life to punish you.  I know this is a hard feeling to shake but many people pointed out to me that if I was being punished, then were we all?  I work at a prison where a lot of people have done some really horrible things.  That was hard for me to swallow, why my husband (he worked there too)?  There is no answer, that's the answer.  Not in this life and it sucks. 

20 months down the road, I don't just get up, put on the mask, fight the battle and click one more day off.  As I said, I recently turned a corner and my life is much different now.  I can actually find enjoyment in things.  Memories of my husband make me smile.  I feel wrapped in his love.  Do I miss him, very much.  Do I wish he was still with me, every day.  I talk to him and about him every day.  Last night I yelled at him for leaving me with his two cats, as I was cleaning the litter boxes.  Life isn't all cheery with a cherry on top, but it's better.  I didn't meet anyone, I'm not interested in another relationship at this time and probably never will be.  It's probably way too early for you to understand this so I'm cautious to say this but I had to ask myself if I just existed because of Randy?  Didn't I too have something to offer the world?  Didn't I have a life before him?  Very slowly I am putting those pieces back together and it has been a shattered mirror, I'm not going to lie.  Everyone is different, everyone moves at a different pace and that's okay.  Your grief is so raw right now, it really is about survival.  I remember reading posts of other people who had lost spouses years earlier or attempting to read books about t healing and because of where I was in my grief, I couldn't even wrap my head around it and threw the book across the room.  One year later I picked up the same book and it read a little differently than it had. 

I would read KayC's posts and think I was never going to get there.  I'm still not where she is.  Don't get me wrong, we both still have bad days but they are much fewer and farther between.  She recently lost her beloved dog and I think it triggered a lot of feelings about love and loss.  Will you live with this loss the rest of your life?  Yes.  Will it look the same as it does today?  For the majority of people, no.  Unfortunately this is not something someone can explain to you, you have to experience it for yourself. 

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KayC
On 2/19/2020 at 9:07 AM, Missy1 said:

then I felt that overwhelming heavy feeling in my chest again and sense that I am stuck alone in this world.

But maybe not.  He found a way to get through to you, maybe he will again?  But whether he gets through or not, you know he's there, still loving you.
You are not losing your sanity and I welcome you to talk with us any time you want, we get it, we've been there.

On 2/19/2020 at 9:07 AM, Missy1 said:

When were were tougher in our first couple of years of marriage we one dreamed the same dream one night and we were in some strange place, like a different dimension. We both described parts of it so accurately. We were and are still connected in a weird way.

Yes, I love this!

And whose to say we won't have physical bodies again...so much unknown, I try not to worry about that kind of stuff and instead trust it will all work out in the next realm.

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KayC
19 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

Why would anyone try to talk you out of your experience?

People who haven't been through this often like to pigeonhole everything into their belief system, which is fine but they're lacking experience and fail to consider that there's a whole lot about the beyond they don't know.  Considering anything beyond what they understand and know is uncomfortable for them.  I prefer to talk to people here that get it or my sister that I know won't judge it even though she hasn't been through it.

19 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

It's funny that you say it takes great effort for them to get through to us

I don't know much about it but that's what I've heard.
 

19 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

Sign?  Maybe.

I like to take it as such.  Like the pansies showing up for me just when I needed them, it defied all odds but there they were...and that was our flower.  George called it "the smiling flower."
 

14 minutes ago, Rhonda R said:

I truly don't believe that God or the universe or whatever you believe in would take someone else's life to punish you.

Ditto!  I have learned so much through this journey, more than my lifetime put together, even though I'd already been through quite a lot.  I wouldn't trade it for anything...except having George and Arlie back, I am human after all.

And I don't believe in wearing masks.  People can understand...or not.  I am who I am, I'm going through what I'm going through, whether or not they choose to witness it or not is up to them, but I'm unapologetic.

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Missy1

I agree, your words are very empowering! What I’m finding is that the rest of the world doesn’t understand this grief and pain it frightens them they feel concerned for our very existence they treat us differently so the mask is just so I don’t frighten people away and I get treated like a regular person.

If they see how i really felt they would  either run screaming or lock me up...,

I hope to be able to live with this like others do someday. 
 

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Missy1
1 hour ago, Rhonda R said:

I felt the exact same way but I truly don't believe that God or the universe or whatever you believe in would take someone else's life to punish you.  I know this is a hard feeling to shake but many people pointed out to me that if I was being punished, then were we all?  I work at a prison where a lot of people have done some really horrible things.  That was hard for me to swallow, why my husband (he worked there too)?  There is no answer, that's the answer.  Not in this life and it sucks. 

20 months down the road, I don't just get up, put on the mask, fight the battle and click one more day off.  As I said, I recently turned a corner and my life is much different now.  I can actually find enjoyment in things.  Memories of my husband make me smile.  I feel wrapped in his love.  Do I miss him, very much.  Do I wish he was still with me, every day.  I talk to him and about him every day.  Last night I yelled at him for leaving me with his two cats, as I was cleaning the litter boxes.  Life isn't all cheery with a cherry on top, but it's better.  I didn't meet anyone, I'm not interested in another relationship at this time and probably never will be.  It's probably way too early for you to understand this so I'm cautious to say this but I had to ask myself if I just existed because of Randy?  Didn't I too have something to offer the world?  Didn't I have a life before him?  Very slowly I am putting those pieces back together and it has been a shattered mirror, I'm not going to lie.  Everyone is different, everyone moves at a different pace and that's okay.  Your grief is so raw right now, it really is about survival.  I remember reading posts of other people who had lost spouses years earlier or attempting to read books about t healing and because of where I was in my grief, I couldn't even wrap my head around it and threw the book across the room.  One year later I picked up the same book and it read a little differently than it had. 

I would read KayC's posts and think I was never going to get there.  I'm still not where she is.  Don't get me wrong, we both still have bad days but they are much fewer and farther between.  She recently lost her beloved dog and I think it triggered a lot of feelings about love and loss.  Will you live with this loss the rest of your life?  Yes.  Will it look the same as it does today?  For the majority of people, no.  Unfortunately this is not something someone can explain to you, you have to experience it for yourself. 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience. I read this post multiple times. it is helpful to me, This something I have to do, There are times when it is very clear other times it seem impossible and I don’t have the desire or strength.

i will keep reading and learning thank you!

 

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KayC

I get that we don't feel like dealing with everyone about it, hence a temporary mask to avoid it.  And of course to a certain extent at work just to function.  But so important to have someone we can let down our hair with.  Forget sparing the family, your feelings are most important!

Keep in mind, it won't always feel as it does today.  I can't say when it'll change but it will...and it will likely be so gradual as to seem imperceptible, but when you look back you will see it.  It took me quite a while.

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Rhonda R
1 hour ago, KayC said:

and it will likely be so gradual as to seem imperceptible

This is exactly right. It's been like putting a grain of salt into a salt shaker every day. 

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ccoflove
23 hours ago, KayC said:

And whose to say we won't have physical bodies again...so much unknown, I try not to worry about that kind of stuff and instead trust it will all work out in the next realm.

I really hope we do have physical bodies again. I think about being together again and many of the near death experiences say how they become light and one with the light and love of God. They describe as the most wonderful feeling, but I can't help but think No I'd rather have our imperfect life in the physical where I can see his smile and gaze into his eyes and be held! I need to trust it will all work out like you said.

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KayC

Well the Bible says we'll get new bodies, I trust in that, like you I'd give anything to be able to hug him again.  It was the best place in all the world to be.

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foreverhis
On 2/19/2020 at 6:50 PM, Missy1 said:

Sometimes I wonder... I know I’m not an innocent person and this must be my punishment I feel like this is purgatory and I’m paying my dues and I never imagined it be this painful. My husband was the better one, always taking the high road. He made me a better person in 28 years we were together (26 married).

I too felt that way off and on, especially while my husband was fighting his cancer.  It ripped me up inside to see him suffering.  I know I am overall a good person, though with plenty of foibles and flaws like we all have.  And I'm okay with admitting that overall, my love was a better person than I.  Imperfect, of course, but such a very good man that it made me incredibly angry to feel we had all failed him.

I did my share of bargaining, though not talking to a specific form of God.  We left organized religion long ago, but kept our faith in many things.  We believe there is so much we cannot know or understand in this life and that there is something greater, something more, something mysterious, and something that binds us all together.  People can call it whatever they want, but we call it faith.

I'd promise to be a better person, that I'd do or not do this or that, that I'd "never" or "always" various things, if only my love would recover.  I'd beg for him not to suffer for my failures.  And a part of me thought I was being punished by having the one person I loved most in the world taken from me.  When things were at their worst in the hospital, I'd beg him not to leave me.  He'd say, "I don't plan to" and then later "I don't want to" and finally, "I'm sorry."  I think that ripped me up and shattered me almost more than anything else, that I would make him believe he failed me, when it was me who had failed him.  That's part of the irrational side of emotional stress because I knew deep down that my love would never be made to suffer to punish me.  And as he certainly did not deserve to suffer, I had to conclude that neither of us was being punished and that I'd find no answers in this life time.  Though I have to admit I've said more than once that when it's my time (and assuming I get there), someone has some explaining to do.

So that left me in a strange limbo of trying to figure out why such a good, honest, kind man like my soul mate had to go through what he did, why he died long before he should have, when so many people who I perceive to be "less worthy" continue to thrive.  But I know I won't get those answers in this life either.  The one thing I've gone beyond is believing, even in a tiny part of me, that my husband was made to suffer to punish me.  Our hearts and minds go to strange and frightening places sometimes.

Edited by foreverhis
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Missy1

My mind keeps coming up with the darkest, saddest memories and worst of times we had. Where I failed him! I love him more than myself for sure! I keep hating myself more every day. I can’t be alive while he is not, yet I don’t know what to do to get to where he is, I am a not a patient person.
 

This is grueling, I  won’t be person so is able to fill the salt shaker one grain of salt at a time. Eventually I will find some acceptable way to join him, people have accidents or get ill all the time and pass away in a totally normal death.

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Missy1

Last night I dreamt I was at a party with my husband, I was told I to leave to run some errands then I could come back.

The people who took me away from the party to run errands were my dead uncle and friend’s brother who died very young. I didn’t realize that these were dead people to me it was real they were real. I woke with them guiding me down a hole, I didn’t want to leave. What are these “errands” that I have complete before I get to come back, I wish I knew how  all this works? 

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Left behind

I keep looking and hoping for signs of my Jason. I talk to him every night and often play the song that was going to be our wedding song this summer. Sadly I have not seen or felt any signs from him yet. I keep playing our songs over and over hoping for something, something to let me know that he is ok wherever he is. Of course this leads to me getting quite depressed, listening to our songs but he loved the music we shared together so much. I have considered seeing a medium, but I also don't want to go to one that is not legit. To be very honest I have considered going to a hospital and causing myself to flat line. Not because I want to die, but because I have read stories of people who have claimed to see their love ones come to them, and telling them it's not their time yet. I just want to know that there is a beautiful place after life on Earth and that he is there. I would do it in a hospital so I could be revived back. I don't want to die I just want to know that he is somewhere amazing, and if his spirit comes to me I would get to see him one more time, and that would be the greatest gift. I know it's not something I should entertain, but I need answers, because I don't even have all the answers surrounding his death. We may never know what happened that day and the events that led to his death. I just miss him so much and I am trying to hold on to whatever I can to keep from falling apart. I may do some research on mediums I guess, and start there.  

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Missy1
On 2/20/2020 at 10:32 AM, Rhonda R said:

I felt the exact same way but I truly don't believe that God or the universe or whatever you believe in would take someone else's life to punish you.  I know this is a hard feeling to shake but many people pointed out to me that if I was being punished, then were we all?  I work at a prison where a lot of people have done some really horrible things.  That was hard for me to swallow, why my husband (he worked there too)?  There is no answer, that's the answer.  Not in this life and it sucks. 

20 months down the road, I don't just get up, put on the mask, fight the battle and click one more day off.  As I said, I recently turned a corner and my life is much different now.  I can actually find enjoyment in things.  Memories of my husband make me smile.  I feel wrapped in his love.  Do I miss him, very much.  Do I wish he was still with me, every day.  I talk to him and about him every day.  Last night I yelled at him for leaving me with his two cats, as I was cleaning the litter boxes.  Life isn't all cheery with a cherry on top, but it's better.  I didn't meet anyone, I'm not interested in another relationship at this time and probably never will be.  It's probably way too early for you to understand this so I'm cautious to say this but I had to ask myself if I just existed because of Randy?  Didn't I too have something to offer the world?  Didn't I have a life before him?  Very slowly I am putting those pieces back together and it has been a shattered mirror, I'm not going to lie.  Everyone is different, everyone moves at a different pace and that's okay.  Your grief is so raw right now, it really is about survival.  I remember reading posts of other people who had lost spouses years earlier or attempting to read books about t healing and because of where I was in my grief, I couldn't even wrap my head around it and threw the book across the room.  One year later I picked up the same book and it read a little differently than it had. 

I would read KayC's posts and think I was never going to get there.  I'm still not where she is.  Don't get me wrong, we both still have bad days but they are much fewer and farther between.  She recently lost her beloved dog and I think it triggered a lot of feelings about love and loss.  Will you live with this loss the rest of your life?  Yes.  Will it look the same as it does today?  For the majority of people, no.  Unfortunately this is not something someone can explain to you, you have to experience it for yourself. 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience

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Missy1
1 hour ago, Left behind said:

I keep looking and hoping for signs of my Jason. I talk to him every night and often play the song that was going to be our wedding song this summer. Sadly I have not seen or felt any signs from him yet. I keep playing our songs over and over hoping for something, something to let me know that he is ok wherever he is. Of course this leads to me getting quite depressed, listening to our songs but he loved the music we shared together so much. I have considered seeing a medium, but I also don't want to go to one that is not legit. To be very honest I have considered going to a hospital and causing myself to flat line. Not because I want to die, but because I have read stories of people who have claimed to see their love ones come to them, and telling them it's not their time yet. I just want to know that there is a beautiful place after life on Earth and that he is there. I would do it in a hospital so I could be revived back. I don't want to die I just want to know that he is somewhere amazing, and if his spirit comes to me I would get to see him one more time, and that would be the greatest gift. I know it's not something I should entertain, but I need answers, because I don't even have all the answers surrounding his death. We may never know what happened that day and the events that led to his death. I just miss him so much and I am trying to hold on to whatever I can to keep from falling apart. I may do some research on mediums I guess, and start there.  

I replied but I think the site crashed so I’ll reply again. I actually went to a see 2 mediums a couple of days after my husband passed away. The first one  I saw gave me amazing insight she was spot on with so many things and I gave her no information I sat there quiet when she gave me facts!

The second medium was more of an empath and she just felt my pain and  didn’t give me any insight on Karl, She was way off base. 

I’ve done a lot of reading and a lot of studying on my own because I want to be able to connect myself. I’m learning a lot and I think the most important thing is to stay open and learn what the signs are.
read on line and learn..

I bet Jason is trying desperately to send you signs or contact you and it can be very subtle and it’s maybe easy to miss. I think you have to really learn how to tune in they are in a realm. 
My opinion is yes seek out a couple of mediums locally  and read some references I went to yelp i then I look at Google reviewers to.

I really hope that you find your answers I think it might help. 

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KayC
20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

We believe there is so much we cannot know or understand in this life and that there is something greater, something more, something mysterious, and something that binds us all together.  People can call it whatever they want, but we call it faith.

I agree, I was thinking yesterday of "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."  I love that and it doesn't single out religion or lack of belief, merely being open to what we can't understand or explain.

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KayC
20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

He'd say, "I don't plan to" and then later "I don't want to" and finally, "I'm sorry." 

That reminds me of when George was in the hospital with his heart attack and he was having the fatal one and I cried out, "Don't leave me!" and he shook his head, again, and again he shook his head.  The panic I felt in that moment!  I was about to reassure it'd be okay for him to leave when the nurse threw me out.  I never saw him alive again.

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

why he died long before he should have, when so many people who I perceive to be "less worthy" continue to thrive

I don't think there is a why because I don't think when they die has anything to do with their worthiness, more luck of the draw, maybe factor in their eating, genetics, but really so much is out of our control.  I lost my dad way too young too.

 

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KayC
17 hours ago, Left behind said:

I have considered going to a hospital and causing myself to flat line. Not because I want to die, but because I have read stories of people who have claimed to see their love ones come to them, and telling them it's not their time yet. I just want to know that there is a beautiful place after life on Earth and that he is there. I would do it in a hospital so I could be revived back. I don't want to die I just want to know that he is somewhere amazing

This is scary sounding to me and I hope you won't try this.  What if they couldn't get you back?  

I know there is such a state/place, not because of what I've seen but because of my faith/beliefs.  But I have literally died twice, once in my 30s when I was donating blood, they said my blood pressure was borderline high but took it anyway and lost me.  I was up above watching them work on my body and I saw the look on my kids' faces and I knew I couldn't leave them for their dad to raise alone...I felt I had a choice and I came back into my body, they were all so relieved.  Another time I was over-anesthetized because they didn't weigh me or listen to me and I died on the operating table, they already had me cut open and had to give me thrusts to the chest to restart my heart.  For a couple hours after I kept stopping breathing and it was like I was in a tunnel with light and beauty at the other end...I had to fight really hard to come back, I did so for my dog and elderly cat, I couldn't bear leaving them alone wondering where Mom was.  Another time it happened to me in a dream.  It really shook me, long after I woke up.  I remember calling someone.

 

17 hours ago, Left behind said:

Sadly I have not seen or felt any signs from him yet.

We can't construe it, it's not something we can control but neither is it easy for them to.  Be patient, it's highly likely you will get a sign when you least expect it.  It can take quite a long while and it's different for everyone.  If he left on a long trip, would you doubt his love for you or that you'd be together again?  Think of this like that.

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KayC
15 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I bet Jason is trying desperately to send you signs or contact you and it can be very subtle and it’s maybe easy to miss.

 

15 hours ago, Missy1 said:

the most important thing is to stay open and learn what the signs are.

It will likely be something known to the two of you...like mine with the pansies was for us.

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foreverhis
2 hours ago, KayC said:

I agree, I was thinking yesterday of "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."  I love that and it doesn't single out religion or lack of belief, merely being open to what we can't understand or explain.

That's one of my favorite descriptions of faith too.  If you haven't seen the movie Keeping the Faith, I highly recommend it.  It was made 20 years ago now, but resonates today.  It's a drama-comedy-love story starring Edward Norton (I just love him; he produced and directed), Ben Stiller, and Jenna Elfman with an amazing supporting cast.  There's one scene where Edward Norton's character, a priest, is talking to his congregation about the difference between religion and faith.  It's another of my favorites.

 

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