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Missy1

2 weeks & 1 day, feels like 1,000 years

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Missy1

My beautiful, sweet, loving husband lost the battle with alcoholism, depression and anxiety. He took himself out (gun) while I was cooking... I am an idiot I had to yell at him my last words, I am better off without you! It was just fight, I didn’t mean it!!!! We were inseparable in life for 26 years and loved each other fiercely. Our wedding anniversary is Friday, we shall see if that is my expiration date. I see him in my mind over and over, all ruined with blood gushing out and gasping for air, my sweet angel....I am so fucked up over this. 

I am lost and broken without my soul mate by my side. Each day seems like an eternity every breath is painful, your memories are all that I have left which are just rements of a beautiful, happy vibrant man that I  could not bear to be away from during our time on earth together.

Even when I had to leave for work I rushed home excited to see you.  We would send text messages and talk every couple hrs because we missed each other so much. A picture of the cats or a goofy emoji just to say I love you. 

I don’t know how I am to go on without you by my side. We had no kids, we were all we needed.

I know I am the luckiest person on earth to have had you in my life for the 26 years we had. I shall look forward to seeing you in the afterlife. Till then I am left to roam in this black and white existence without meaning in constant pain...

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Dazed&Confused

Incredibly sorry for your loss.

You should keep the Suicide Prevention number - 1-800-273-8255 - handy. Use it if you feel any urge to harm yourself. Wanting to be with our loved one is a common feeling. Your death would be an added tragedy, though. Please also try to line yourself up some PTSD counseling as soon as you can. You are in my prayers.

DAC

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Dazed&Confused

 

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Missy1

It’s our right to feel this way, clearly you don’t get it...

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KayC
18 hours ago, Missy1 said:

It’s our right to feel this way, clearly you don’t get it...

No, she does get it, we all do.  That's why we take it seriously.  Is it your "right" to do to all of those who love you the same thing as you are now experiencing?  I know it's a thought that has occurred to many of us early in our grief journey.  It's important to give yourself a chance to get through this and reach the point where you adjust.  I know it doesn't seem fathomable, it didn't to me either, I didn't know how I could do a week without him, but it's been almost 15 years now.  I won't kid you, sometimes it's still hard but I would have missed a lot of good if I had not stuck it out.  And I know he's proud of me.

I want to leave you with an article I wrote on the things I've found helpful since losing my George Father's Day 2005.  Something may speak to you now, something later on down the road as our journey is ever evolving.  I am very sorry for your loss.  There is a loss due to suicide section in here, I hope you will check it out also.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Missy1

I don’t want to commit suicide I just want to go wherever my other half went. Over the years we had became one soul, one heart beat, together we took on the world, weathering the worst we always had each-other to hold on to. Without him I am broken and weak, nothing makes sense anymore.

My life is empty now. I was a mess before I met my husband, suicidal and partying hard. He saved my life!!! that was almost 30 years ago, now I feel lost and weak again. He was a broken as well but we built a successful life together and held each other up.

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foreverhis
22 hours ago, Missy1 said:

It’s our right to feel this way, clearly you don’t get it...

We do get it.  That's one reason we are concerned for you.  When you wrote that your wedding anniversary might be your "expiration date," we couldn't help but be worried about what that meant.  Please, in your pain, don't push away those who truly do understand the absolute shattering of your heart and life.  Although our stories are individual, the grief, the pain, and everything that go with them are what brought us here.  We try to help each other in whatever way we can.  Making sure you have the information of a suicide hotline is out of worry, not because Dazed&Confused doesn't get it.  We know better than most the extremes of losing our one and only soul mates.

I'd be lying if I said the idea of joining my husband had never occurred to me.  Of course it did, especially the first several months.  I wish so much that I could be with him and try to hold on to the idea that we will be reunited again when it's my time.  If you can, try to hold that thought in your heart as you start this unwelcome and painful journey.  And yes, there are days it seems like I lost him a hundred years ago and other days when it seems like yesterday that I held his hand as he took his last breath.  Time and memory are weird that way.

If you find yourself feeling guilty for your last words, please talk about that too.  I agree that it might help for you to also go to the Suicide Survivors forum on the website.  I don't mean go there instead of here, I mean in addition to this forum.  Whatever you do, please keep reaching out.

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Missy1

Thank you for understanding and caring  

 

 

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KayC

We do, we get it, we're just worried about you too.  I never thought I could live w/o George...I've had no choice.  I couldn't do that to my kids and sisters...

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Missy1

That is one of the few things keeps me hanging on.

 

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KayC

I know it's hard.  I got on anti-anxiety meds, nights were the worst, and weekends, that was our time together.

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Missy1

Exactly, so alone and don’t want to get better thru drugs. I deserve to suffer I let him slip away. We were going thru a rough patch due to inability to get a job and stay sober. I should have nurtured him not berated him. 

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Missy1

I am an asshole I let my beautiful sensitive husband down. He is gone away from me he is at peace. I am left to suffer 

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Missy1

I have no joy, no interest in life anymore. Sucks get up, do the routine, numb joyless  world...

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KayC

Missy, PLEASE RUN, DO NOT WALK to the nearest grief counselor.  You need help getting through this, we all do, but you are in a very bad place, more than we can help with a few words here...do this in addition to coming here and NOT "in place of," we want to be here for you.  This is the hardest thing you will likely ever face, please give yourself the best possible chance of getting through it by getting professional help as well as expressing yourself here.  I say this with complete concern and caring, I know how hard this is, especially in the early time.

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Missy1

I am going tomorrow to grief group, I want to  be able to function and keep my job. I am afraid that I might not be okay leaving the house. I get panic attacks at the store. The smell And the noise of everything is overwhelming in a public place. 

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KayC

Let us know how it goes, okay?

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Rhonda R
On 2/13/2020 at 3:11 PM, Dazed&Confused said:

Your death would be an added tragedy, though. Please also try to line yourself up some PTSD counseling as soon as you can.

You clearly get it, there is no doubt about that.  There isn't one person here who doesn't get it, or we wouldn't be here, looking for support ourselves and trying to help others.  Hopefully one day you will get the apology you deserve Dazed and Confused. 

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Missy1

I don’t have the guts, after I saw how horrible and painful it was for my sweet husband, he didn’t even know what he was doing. He was not coherent and in emotional distress. I am not at thar same junction of desperation and hopelessness. I have to continue living till death claims me thru it’s own accord. I do however hope that I don’t last long, it’s a very sad existence. As I read and learn the pain will remain forever...

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KayC
47 minutes ago, Missy1 said:

As I read and learn the pain will remain forever...

But it doesn't stay the same, our grief evolves throughout our journey.  The loving them and missing them is continual but in a way that's a comfort, for he's been the love of my life, so what we shared brings me comfort knowing it still exists.

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Missy1

Evolution means that your pain is so intense that your body and brain cannot sustain the pain then yes, I could see that.
Either way this is life changing and surreal, I just want it to be a nightmare, I want to wake up and be grateful for my husband I would do so many things different. Love him harder and listen more, make him my number 1 priority!

thank you everyone for your help, I feel like a pile of goo. I just want to stay in our home and cry out to him to please come home, I love him, I am sorry i failed him. 
I went to two psychics/mediums a couple of days after he passed. One was very real the other not so much.
Yes, I get signs and weird communication that unexplained but I want him not his spirit/energy. 
Anyone have signs from their loved one?
 

 

 

 

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Dazed&Confused

Yesterday, I got in my car to go get a tattoo modified and it smelled like fresh cut flowers. Very highly noticeable at that.  It's the dead of winter and there haven't been flowers in that car since the funeral over a month ago. The modification I got done was to add a rose for her. I've felt something in the bed, but the cats are in another room.  Maybe they are signs or my mind is playing tricks. I don't know.

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Rhonda R

Randy comes to me often in my dreams.  I always know he has died and he always has a message of love and support for me. 

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KayC

I told this before, but I'll repeat it to answer your question.

The only profound thing I've had happen was a couple of years ago, I called the social security office to find out how much I'd get per month since I was thinking of filing (I'd retired four years earlier, living off savings but i was now broke, I'd waited, wanting the penalty to be less)...she told me I'd get $200+/month. I freaked out!  I asked her to doublecheck but since I'd held so long waiting for her to come on the phone, it was almost closing and she was not helpful, she didn't care.  She told me to call the local office, so I did, they were already gone for a long three day weekend.  A long time to go with that kind of news before talking with someone, my anxiety was kicked in full bore!  I can't live on that with my house payment, insurance, etc.

I was laying on the bed and I felt George's hand on my shoulder/back area.  I would recognize that any time!  Immediately I felt calm, peaceful, as only he can affect me.  I hadn't asked for a sign, wasn't looking for one, but it came when I most needed it...not so much a sign as him there calming me.  Come Tuesday I called the local social security office and the other lady was full of crap, I got $932/month after Medicare deduction and the guy even filed for me over the phone and set up my Medicare.  He was great, totally different than the lady who I presume was in a hurry to start her holiday weekend.

I may never experience anything like that again, I've heard it takes them great effort to get through to us, but I am grateful for that experience.  A lot of people probably think I imagined it, but no, it was as real as can be, no one can talk me out of my experience.  I know it for what it was.

There have been other things like a pansy that sprung up one year after he died, beneath the elevated patio...it's not even possible for it to have survived the winter snows, but it did.  Pansies were our flower, they were special to us from our courtship.  Another time I was looking at expensive car repairs and walking back to work and a pansy was looking up at me through the cracks in the sidewalk.  I took both of them as signs from my George. 

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Missy1

I feel Karl watching over me, last night I dreamed we were sitting talking and laughing, I grabbed his hand  and thought I need be somewhere. Then I said I just want to stay with you here forever. I woke up feeling calm and so loved, things felt ok. Which lasted only a few min then I felt that overwhelming heavy feeling in my chest again and sense that I am stuck alone in this world.

During the first week I felt him visit me in my sleep, there were  messages that I couldn’t comprehend and feeling of warmth and light, it was so amazing. I felt my foot being gently stroked 3 times, that’s what woke up. I felt so loved and happy and calm when I woke up. I was afraid to tell anyone they might think I am losing my sanity. 
When were were tougher in our first couple of years of marriage we one dreamed the same dream one night and we were in some strange place, like a different dimension. We both described parts of it so accurately. We were and are still connected in a weird way.

We will never have this physical life ever ever ever again, that makes me feel shredded and broken. I am afraid of everything without him. I don’t want to be here without him!

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