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Really struggling, 7 months on


Cymraes88

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I lost my Dad to pancreatic cancer in July 2019. We had 6 weeks from diagnosis to him passing and I am really struggling.

I am a very private person and have tried to cope without making too much of a fuss but I have never felt so low, to the point of not really wanting to be here. I guess by joining this forum I am attempting to pull myself back out of the black hole I am in.

I am looking into therapy, so that might be an option but honestly I just feel indifferent about everything. I have nothing in me anymore and I know it is effecting my relationship which I hate. 

Any advice would be appreciated. 

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Dear Cymraes88,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss. It is a terrible shock to lose a parent. The rawness of this life event is very hard to cope with. I too am very private and didn't want people to know I was struggling. But please know what you are feeling is natural and normal. You are still very early in your grief and its normal to feel as you do. 

Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Sometimes even the people closest to us don't know how to help us. I tried different things like grief counselling, art, writing, painting and joining different grief forums. I also found these websites helpful:

Grief in Common

What's Your Grief

Grief Healing Blog

It's hard to find the right supports but I hope you do and know you are not alone in these feelings and going through this difficult time.

Please know we are with you.

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Nicole-my grief journey

Cymrais88,

I empathize with you so much. I lost my mom to colon cancer that spread so quickly through her whole GI tract and it has been devastating. I also lost my uncle to pancreatic cancer last July. I was a caregiver in both situations and extremely close with my uncle. And my mom not only being my mom, but my best friend and my entire world was just...Ugh, it’s hard to breath sometimes when I have to admit to myself that she is gone. I seriously did not think I was going to survive the loss and I started by just going from minute by minute, to hour by hour, to day by day. I took baby steps. The best thing I did was up my therapy right away. I was so severely depressed and lost. At my bottom, I made a choice that I had to do everything I could to help myself in my grief and with my depression because I’m still on this earth and my mom would want me to be living my best life. I always suggest to people when they ask: that they should commit to going to several therapy sessions with a counselor they have a good feeling about, as it takes time to learn the tools that may help. What works is different for everyone. So, I’ve taken advantage of the grief groups through palliative with other people who lost someone to cancer (I found free ones in my community) and I also attend CBT with my private therapist. The group one is good to be around others who know what loss to cancer is like and in my individual therapy we work on me learning and talking about ways to release my emotions, steps I can take so I don’t isolate myself (because I tend to), and processing my losses. For months I had trouble getting out of bed, eating, showering, working...you name it, it was a struggle! Then I started to take a daily walk (even if it was just outside to the mailbox) and then it became a habit, less challenging and longer walks. I bought premade meals and made myself take bites. I cried a lot and still cry, but I always feel better now after (instead of thinking it will never stop). Grief is a journey and there’s no right or wrong way to do it. I think we’re all exactly where we need to be in our journeys, but sometimes we need a little push to get us to the next action. My mom’s love for me and all she gave me during her life was a spiritual push I used to get to me the help I needed. Therapy gives me a safe, non-judge-mental space where I can speak freely. I hope if you choose to go that it helps you too. Sending my thoughts your way. 

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