My dad

[Findinnerpeace]

I keep getting reoccurring memories of my dad's death. He was never a good role model to me or my siblings, in fact, he was quite abusive to my mom, and he lived a very tragic life to the bitter end.

After his passing, we discovered he accumulated a large debt via gambling but never told anyone. That debt got passed to my mom since it was tied to my mom's house. Why didn't he say anything? Could this have been why he was angry all the time? All those petty fights about money. Those arguments causing monthly visits by police officiers doing a wellness check. Why didn't my dad get a job when he was in this much debt and for so long?

I've been trying to piece things together. Even though we never had that father son relationship that I wish we had, I do have some fond memories of my father when I was much younger before he turned into this other person. I find it difficult to reconcile these two distinct characters being the same person. 

I used my savings to pay off a portion of his debt and to give him a proper burial. My mom and siblings were against this, they were going to cremate him, but I knew that's not what he would have wanted, so I bought him a nice casket to try and make amends with him. I understood my mom's feelings towards my dad though. The abuse she went through because of my dad and the blood and sweat she endured to hold the family together. I understood the emotions she held against giving my dad solace. But as a son, I felt compelled to anyways. We must find a way to make peace with ourselves.  

With this said, I do get flashes of memories of my father when alone and thinking about life. Those two distinct characters of my dad comes to light, the good and the bad. This haunts me how life would have been if things were a bit different and he made better choices. 

[reader]

Dear Findinnerpeace,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm very sorry for your loss. Although as children we are not responsible for our parents's choices we still have to live with the consequences. I found your post to be very thoughtful about life and still wanting to honor your dad. It wasn't easy but you did the right thing. The same happened in my family and I too wanted to give my dad a proper burial. It was the final thing I could do for him as his child. It's hard to come terms with everything that has happened but like your name suggests we have to do our best to find some inner peace.

Thinking of you and your family.