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my cat died and it’s my fault. How do i live with the guilt?


Ruthie02

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I had no idea my life would change in just 2 minutes. he was my responsibility and i let my baby down. I’ve been behind my parents to get the entire house netted as we live on the 12th floor and i was fostering a kitten. But my parents thought he’s going to be leaving soon so what’s the need. So we used to keep all the doors and windows closed or whenever we had some work,we used to keep him in a room for 10-15 minutes. 
It was a fucking tuesday and it was around 4:30pm. I felt something wrong and i started calling his name hoping he would run and enter the room asking for more food,but he didn’t. He didn’t meow. He didn’t answer. Someone called us and said that our cat is sitting on their balcony. He escaped from my balcony because my housekeeper kept the fucking door open and i was fycking busy finding him a home and ..sigh. Had i kept him with my self for 2 minutes he wouldn’t be dead. He wouldn’t have panicked and jumped from the 11th floor. I’m not able to sleep. It’s been more than week and i’m not functioning properly. He’s not here with me anymore. I should have gotten my balconies netted. I should have done something. I completely froze when they told me he’s sitting on the edge. Instead i seht my brother to go get him and my kitten panicked. What if i was there instead of my brother? He would have come to me,right? But I didn’t. Becayse i froze. J can never forgive myself. How do i live with this guilt? It’s too much. My heart hurts. 
he was a beautiful 7 month old ginger. We had a strong bond. We used to sleep together. He used to follow me EVERYWHERE. How do i get used to my life knowing he’s not there anymore? It doesn’t feel real.

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I am so sorry.  The "what ifs" haunt us when we lose an animal, whether natural causes, accident or euthanasia.  It's like we're trying to find a different possible outcome...only there might not have been.  We feel as their protectors that we should have been able to save them only sometimes that's not possible...and sometimes we'll never know.  I am just so sorry for your loss. From such a height I'm sure he would have had an instant death and not felt it, I hope that part is of consolation.  But I know, you want him here with you.  Oh God how I know.  I lost my beautiful sweet Arlie dog (cancer) nearly six months ago and honestly I don't know how I survived it...I called him my soulmate in a dog, I had him 10 1/2 years, he was my companion, best friend, walking partner, everything to me.  I'm not "over him" and realize I never will be.  I will grieve him until the day I die.  And then on 1/6 I lost Kitty, she was 25  and I understood her.  She had a hard life before me, was an amazing cat.  She had liver and kidney failure, was half her weight, all between Christmas and 1/6, no help for it, so I had her euthanized, life was not fun for her any longer.  

It's very hard getting used to the changes it means for our lives.  They were very much a part of our everyday routine and now their absence is a keen reminder that they're gone.  I look forward to the time I'll be with them again and believe they're in the spirit world...their bodies are buried in my back yard and I know they're not there, that was apparent when theyi were lifeless, but even so, I go talk to them.  

We're privileged to have them for a time but then they're gone.  I'm glad it's me missing them instead of the other way around because I wouldn't want them suffering like I am now.  

I hope this thought gives you comfort:

 

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Thank you so much for your kind words. This means alot. Also,I’m really sorry for your loss. I know they’re happy wherever they are,running around with their friends and getting unlimited supply of food and no one telling them “nooo,it’s still 11am!! I just fed you half an hour ago!!” 
Also,he did not die instantly. He waited for me. I went down and held him and he took his last breath in my arms and by thinking  how much pain he must have been is killing me everyday. Whenever i close my eyes,all i can think about is how is died and how he suffered. This was not the way i wanted him to leave me. He was my baby and i miss him so much. I really hate him for leaving me this way. He was just 7 months old. JUST SEVEN. I do not get it why did god take him away from me and why did he make him suffer this way? The messed up part is,i was getting my home netted that day. He was fine for 5 months and the day I convinced my mom dad that we could adopt him and get the entire place netted,he jumped. He just left. In a snap. 

You’re right. We’re never going to get over them. They are a part of us and they took a huge chunk of our heart when they left us and i’m sure they’d be waiting for us when we arrive. 
 

thank you so much. You’re too kind and i hope you get through everything that you’re going through. One day at a time. :) 

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry.  The "what ifs" haunt us when we lose an animal, whether natural causes, accident or euthanasia.  It's like we're trying to find a different possible outcome...only there might not have been.  We feel as their protectors that we should have been able to save them only sometimes that's not possible...and sometimes we'll never know.  I am just so sorry for your loss. From such a height I'm sure he would have had an instant death and not felt it, I hope that part is of consolation.  But I know, you want him here with you.  Oh God how I know.  I lost my beautiful sweet Arlie dog (cancer) nearly six months ago and honestly I don't know how I survived it...I called him my soulmate in a dog, I had him 10 1/2 years, he was my companion, best friend, walking partner, everything to me.  I'm not "over him" and realize I never will be.  I will grieve him until the day I die.  And then on 1/6 I lost Kitty, she was 25  and I understood her.  She had a hard life before me, was an amazing cat.  She had liver and kidney failure, was half her weight, all between Christmas and 1/6, no help for it, so I had her euthanized, life was not fun for her any longer.  

It's very hard getting used to the changes it means for our lives.  They were very much a part of our everyday routine and now their absence is a keen reminder that they're gone.  I look forward to the time I'll be with them again and believe they're in the spirit world...their bodies are buried in my back yard and I know they're not there, that was apparent when theyi were lifeless, but even so, I go talk to them.  

We're privileged to have them for a time but then they're gone.  I'm glad it's me missing them instead of the other way around because I wouldn't want them suffering like I am now.  

I hope this thought gives you comfort:

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. This means alot. Also,I’m really sorry for your loss. I know they’re happy wherever they are,running around with their friends and getting unlimited supply of food and no one telling them “nooo,it’s still 11am!! I just fed you half an hour ago!!” 
Also,he did not die instantly. He waited for me. I went down and held him and he took his last breath in my arms and by thinking  how much pain he must have been is killing me everyday. Whenever i close my eyes,all i can think about is how is died and how he suffered. This was not the way i wanted him to leave me. He was my baby and i miss him so much. I really hate him for leaving me this way. He was just 7 months old. JUST SEVEN. I do not get it why did god take him away from me and why did he make him suffer this way? The messed up part is,i was getting my home netted that day. He was fine for 5 months and the day I convinced my mom dad that we could adopt him and get the entire place netted,he jumped. He just left. In a snap. 

You’re right. We’re never going to get over them. They are a part of us and they took a huge chunk of our heart when they left us and i’m sure they’d be waiting for us when we arrive. 
 

thank you so much. You’re too kind and i hope you get through everything that you’re going through. One day at a time. :) 

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One day at a time has become my mantra since my husband died almost 15 years ago. I've had way too many losses in my life, I now realize it's part of the cycle.  You are right, seven months is so young, it's not fair.  

It could be he wasn't suffering if he wasn't moving, I'm so sorry, it was such a close call.  It seems really wrong that Kitty lived 25 years and he only lived seven months.  But then Kitty had a horrid life her first ten years or so.  It really affected her.  She was lucky to get someone who understood and cared for her (me).  I'm missing her and Arlie every day.

I wish you peace and comfort in the days ahead.

I hope these articles can be of help to you:

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
https://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-kittens.html

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Just want to say my heart breaks for you and your sweet kitty - what a terrible accident. Not your fault. Just a series of small things all added up that went wrong that one day.  

Time will heal. It does not make it easy but your heart will find peace.

My cat was not young like yours. He was 15 but he died (we think) from some kind of poison and it was not a pleasant end. I held him through convulsions and he cried loudly. It was a nightmare. I tell you this only to say, I understand your pain, guilt and heartache. I try to think of the time we had. Yours was much too short - it's not fair and there is nothing we can do to change that. I wish we could and I am so so sorry. 

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Yes,just a series of small thing all afded up that went wrong that one day but it’s going to haunt me for the rest of my life. 

Thank you so much. Thank you for your kind words and i’m so sorry about your loss,too. I’m so so sorry. It breaks my heart just thinking about what you and your precious baby went through. But i’m sure he had THE BEST 15 years of his life with you and your family and that’s all it matters. Thinking about the happy times. 
 

It’s been more than a week and i have realised that the pain isn’t going to go away,right? It gets better,yes. But it’s always going to be there. Whenever I think about him,it hurts and it always will but i’ve made peace with that. Also,this was my first ever experience with death and he was my baby so it got me all messed up. 
 

But thank you so much. 
 

(one breath at a time. One moment at a time)

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hi i am so sorry for your loss, man i have been through the same situation exactly, my cat her name was alexia :’) ran through the other door when no one was watching and it fell from the 6th floor, i was in class at that time and when my mom called i literally started crying on the street i couldn’t process anything, i saw her body and hated myself so much. Maybe if i was home i could have saved her, i let her down, it’s almost been 3 years and i still can’t move on, she was also 6 months old. The thing is, i understand the pain you’re going through, throughout the day you’re fine and suddenly you remember a small thing and everything falls apart. It’s just i don’t know man. I’m going to try that guilt letter thing looks like that will help, just so you know we will always keep blaming ourself because we are alive with that living guilt of our precious buddy being taken away from us. I got so depressed because of it, but i just suppressed those feelings and thought that it will work but don’t do that, I’m numb in my life because of it. Cry out to someone. It will help. I know i’m late, but i hope you’re fine, take care my friend. I think as we live we find ways to deal with our pain. Even if we don’t, we just have to live forward. It’s been 3 years i still don’t feel like getting a cat ever now because i fear the same things will happen. We can never move on from true love, we just have to accept that it will always be a part of it. That’s it, i guess. I hope you are doing better now ❤️

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@foxydna  I am so sorry for your loss...three years or not, it's still weighing heavily on you and that's a lot to carry.  I've owned 15 cats in my lifetime and can honestly tell you that each one was so unique, so was the length of their lives and how they went, no two alike, I've also had ten dogs, and the same there.  You could get another cat tomorrow and it could live 20+ years!  It seems luck of the draw to me, to rhyme or reason, nothing controllable anyway.  We can only do our best.  Hindsight is clear later, but none of us have the gift of it beforehand! 

I hope you will read these, I know it's a lot, maybe one a day?
 

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@Ruthie02

I experienced the exact same thing as you two days ago, I’m grateful you wrote about your Experience. 
 

I don’t know what to say except I’m so sorry to know that you lost your kitchen as well. My cat Milo was six months old and he died on August 19 my heart is broken

 

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