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dtabz

My Thoughts as I get close to the Year Anniversary of my Sister's Tragic Death

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dtabz

On February 23rd of last year my life was flipped upside down. I was called by my parents to fly from LA to Kansas City to go see my sister in the hospital. She was the victim of medical malpractice and even more alarming was that she had a central neurocytoma (one of the rarest tumors at the stem of her brain). Through that week in the hospital I experienced some of the worst trauma I could have ever thought of, all the while watching my college soccer player sister slowly die before my eyes. By February 27th the doctors had declared her brain dead. To see her sit in a coma and never be able to hear any last words from her will haunt me the rest of my life. You never expect to see someone one day and then the next day for them to be gone. Ultimately the blood in her brain took her life and took part of my soul with it. I still remember the feeling after I knew she was gonna die on the 25th. It was a feeling of anguish, confusion, hyperventilation, and pure sorrow. I would never wish that feeling on my worst enemy. To have spent a week hoping a miracle would happen to flying back home without her was a devastating blow. The months proceeding I put myself in a box of isolation, along with the crippling depression and anxiety I was starting to deal with, I was lost. I went right back into school to resume life as if nothing had happened. Little did I know that everyone I interacted with knew she had died and were now treating me differently. I know that is our natural human empathy, but it was still something I truly hated. Through therapy sessions and the grief process I am a little bit better, but some days I just want to call her and I never will be able to. As it approaches the year anniversary of the worst week of my life, I am sitting here thinking about the trauma and how it has fundamentally changed me, and who could blame me or my brother or my parents. No one should have to see someone that important in your life flat line before your eyes. The shock period is over now, but the pain lingers. I was a happy guy, and an extrovert that didn't mind putting myself out there. Nowadays I am still an extrovert and I still put myself out there (because she would have wanted me to) but with all that comes the crippling depression and anxiety. I overthink every decision I make, and I always think people are talking about me in relation to her death. The paranoia was something I never thought I would have to deal with. But, I just miss her. I miss going to the gym with her, talking to her about the girls that I liked, having her approve my outfit when I went out, going out with her, and the simple things like going on a drive somewhere nice. I will never get those things back, and I will never see her get married, be the fun uncle to her children, or even see her graduate from college. My life has been thoroughly thrown upside down, so I transferred universities. With that came a different set of obstacles I never thought I would deal with such as my anxiety of people liking me, and even more odd is the fact that I dislike that no one knows her or asks me about her. I want her legacy to carry on, but I also don't want people to look at me any differently in the process. The year anniversary of her death is approaching, and I look back on how fundamentally different I am as a person. I never expected my personality to be so different, and I never expected that I would have to relive that trauma again. Lately, that trauma is creeping up on me. I just want to hide from the world and feel no pain, but I also don't like being alone because it is a constant reminder of the death and depression I deal with. I expect no one to respond to this, but I hope whoever is reading this knows that I am with you in this process. One of the only ways I have found a beneficial coping mechanism has been through talking with people who have gone through similar experiences to myself. Denine was my best friend and my first friend. Life perplexes me to this day and sometimes I don't know what the purpose of it all is. Hopefully I can find mine and you guys can find yours. Denine T (22; July 12, 1996- February 27, 2019)

If there has been a way for any of you to cope that has been beneficial around the anniversaries of your sibling/parent/loved one's death, I would love to know. Pain is Temporary, Love is Forever!

 

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reader

Dear dtabz,

I am very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I know many people will identify with your pain and sorrow at this very difficult loss. Anniversaries are very tough. For me, I like to take flowers to the grave site. I know others have suggested doing something in honor of our love ones like giving to charity or doing random acts of kindness. There is no right way or wrong way to remember. Lighting a candle and having a quiet day at home is also okay.

Thinking of you and your family.

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Valerie Lockhart

Dear dtabz,

Thank you for sharing your experience. They say that things will get better with time. I've learned firsthand that time only allows you an opportunity to perfect disguising the pain. While  students at your new school may not know of your sister,  she's in God's memory. He promises to swallow up  death forever and to wipe away all tears - Isaiah 25: 8. He also promises to resurrect our loved one to life on a paradise earth- Revelation 21:3,4. We can trust that everything God promises will come true - Numbers 23:19. Pour out your heart to God in prayer. Allow him to  grab hold of your hand and walk beside you during this difficult time. Don't let go. May the God of all comfort strengthened you. Remember, you're not alone.

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