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My Thoughts as I get close to the Year Anniversary of my Sister's Tragic Death


dtabz

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On February 23rd of last year my life was flipped upside down. I was called by my parents to fly from LA to Kansas City to go see my sister in the hospital. She was the victim of medical malpractice and even more alarming was that she had a central neurocytoma (one of the rarest tumors at the stem of her brain). Through that week in the hospital I experienced some of the worst trauma I could have ever thought of, all the while watching my college soccer player sister slowly die before my eyes. By February 27th the doctors had declared her brain dead. To see her sit in a coma and never be able to hear any last words from her will haunt me the rest of my life. You never expect to see someone one day and then the next day for them to be gone. Ultimately the blood in her brain took her life and took part of my soul with it. I still remember the feeling after I knew she was gonna die on the 25th. It was a feeling of anguish, confusion, hyperventilation, and pure sorrow. I would never wish that feeling on my worst enemy. To have spent a week hoping a miracle would happen to flying back home without her was a devastating blow. The months proceeding I put myself in a box of isolation, along with the crippling depression and anxiety I was starting to deal with, I was lost. I went right back into school to resume life as if nothing had happened. Little did I know that everyone I interacted with knew she had died and were now treating me differently. I know that is our natural human empathy, but it was still something I truly hated. Through therapy sessions and the grief process I am a little bit better, but some days I just want to call her and I never will be able to. As it approaches the year anniversary of the worst week of my life, I am sitting here thinking about the trauma and how it has fundamentally changed me, and who could blame me or my brother or my parents. No one should have to see someone that important in your life flat line before your eyes. The shock period is over now, but the pain lingers. I was a happy guy, and an extrovert that didn't mind putting myself out there. Nowadays I am still an extrovert and I still put myself out there (because she would have wanted me to) but with all that comes the crippling depression and anxiety. I overthink every decision I make, and I always think people are talking about me in relation to her death. The paranoia was something I never thought I would have to deal with. But, I just miss her. I miss going to the gym with her, talking to her about the girls that I liked, having her approve my outfit when I went out, going out with her, and the simple things like going on a drive somewhere nice. I will never get those things back, and I will never see her get married, be the fun uncle to her children, or even see her graduate from college. My life has been thoroughly thrown upside down, so I transferred universities. With that came a different set of obstacles I never thought I would deal with such as my anxiety of people liking me, and even more odd is the fact that I dislike that no one knows her or asks me about her. I want her legacy to carry on, but I also don't want people to look at me any differently in the process. The year anniversary of her death is approaching, and I look back on how fundamentally different I am as a person. I never expected my personality to be so different, and I never expected that I would have to relive that trauma again. Lately, that trauma is creeping up on me. I just want to hide from the world and feel no pain, but I also don't like being alone because it is a constant reminder of the death and depression I deal with. I expect no one to respond to this, but I hope whoever is reading this knows that I am with you in this process. One of the only ways I have found a beneficial coping mechanism has been through talking with people who have gone through similar experiences to myself. Denine was my best friend and my first friend. Life perplexes me to this day and sometimes I don't know what the purpose of it all is. Hopefully I can find mine and you guys can find yours. Denine T (22; July 12, 1996- February 27, 2019)

If there has been a way for any of you to cope that has been beneficial around the anniversaries of your sibling/parent/loved one's death, I would love to know. Pain is Temporary, Love is Forever!

 

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Dear dtabz,

I am very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I know many people will identify with your pain and sorrow at this very difficult loss. Anniversaries are very tough. For me, I like to take flowers to the grave site. I know others have suggested doing something in honor of our love ones like giving to charity or doing random acts of kindness. There is no right way or wrong way to remember. Lighting a candle and having a quiet day at home is also okay.

Thinking of you and your family.

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Dear dtabz,

I just read your post and I am so very sorry for your loss! What a tragedy! I really hope that your pain became more bearable although it's hard to imagine for me, at this time. My brother died on the 18th of March 2020 and I am new here because I don't know how to manage the loss. He was my only brother and I miss him so much. Due to the global pandemic I wasn't able to attend his funeral in Austria and this is an additional pain (and guilt) I am dealing with. It is actually hunting me because it feels like I let him down. I hope you are right and talking to people who have gone through similar experiences will help. At this moment I just feel lost and I am overwhelmed by grief and also bewilderment. It feels like a never ending nightmare.

I hope you are feeling better and I am sure you will carry on your sister's legacy even if new friends or a new partner were unfortunately no longer lucky enough to get to know Denine!

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dtabz

Its crazy how reading this triggered me so much. I share a similar experience. I was there.

My older sister passed away after a long illness in 2018 and I was in my final year of post-grad. It was honestly the worst year of my life. I was dealt the greatest blow of my entire life.

I empathize with everything you said. The legacy, the introversion, the anxiety, the pain of your future without her. These days, I find I subconsciously go through this cycle everyday. It's only once in a while when I really need to take a moment to allow all my emotions to flow. I am not healed and never will be. This is something that I've learnt with time. 

Your sister's life was real, her time on this earth happened and Nothing will ever change that. Even if no around you remembers/knows her, if you get old, if you become a father, a grandfather, your sister will ALWAYS be part of your history. She will always be your sister, even if she is not around. 

Her legacy lives in your genes, your memories, your photographs and in you. I hope you can find some comfort in that 

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Thanks for your kind and so very true words.

"I am not healed and never will be." I can relate to that and I know it's true. People keep telling me time will heal my wounds and everything will be alright. But that's not true. How can everything be alright without my brother in this wordl? It's a constant pain and I hope I will try to learn to live with it.

I really hope you will be able to live a full life although your sisiter isn't around anymore to witness it. I know, this is devastating but like you said, she is always with you... in your genes, your memories, in photographs and so much more.

 

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Hi Bianca611

I take inspiration from your hope in learning to live with it. It's such a difficult and sometimes impossible thing to do but at times it is all we can do.

I hope you have found your ways of coping with your loss helpful.

 

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I’m sorry for your loss! I lost my uncle/father figure last year and I relate with everything you are saying. I’m only 22 & I don’t know anyone else that has experienced loss & so it’s hard for me to be as extroverted as I used to be. I find my personality has changed & im trying to figure out how to be happy again in my life. I struggle too now with anxiety and depression & it’s hard to talk to anyone around me that doesn’t understand what my loss feels like. 

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