Fiance Died 6 days ago

[foreverhis]

On 3/11/2020 at 10:18 PM, jwahlquist said:

Today it was cleaning the half bath.   I was fine until I started mopping.   Then it hit me that I will never clean up a bathroom after him again.  

Isn't that weird?  I had the same thing happen with our downstairs bath.

The night I came home from the hospital without him, I went through the whole house and got rid of everything I could that related to his cancer.  But I left everything else alone.  After a while, I knew I had to clean the house.  I opened the cabinet and the next thing I know I'm sitting there holding his toothbrush and hair brush, sobbing. 

The worst was when I wiped the counter.  I picked up the soap dispenser and realized that I would never again need to clean up after his "puddling."  He had a habit of getting his hands really wet, then reaching for the soap and leaving little puddles of water around it.  We're on the cool, damp coast, so mildew is a real issue.  I used to sigh, grab a cloth, and wipe it up.  Now, I would happily clean up after him 100 times a day if it meant he could be here with me and well again.

I had heard about people saying that they even miss the things that used to bug the heck out of them.  In that moment, I understood why.

 

[foreverhis]

On 3/11/2020 at 10:18 PM, jwahlquist said:

You are allowed to be sad but not give up.

It is so irritating and frustrating when someone tells us what we are "allowed" to do and feel.  Fortunately, I haven't encountered too much of that. But the few times I have, I've felt like snapping back with, "Who the hell are you to tell me how I am allowed to feel?  You do not get to give me permission about anything." or a sarcastic, "Oh, thank you so much for allowing me to 'be sad' that I lost the love of my life." 

My beloved SIL and I were talking about how badly our society handles death and grieving.  She lived in Europe for a while when she was younger and said something like, "Where I was, families still had mourning periods when widows wear black and family celebrations are postponed.  I think it's better that they allow people to grieve for a year."  Now, she is generally sensitive and compassionate, and clearly meant to express her frustration with the United States and our attitudes.  But mostly what I heard was, "...allow people to grieve for a year."  So I responded that yes, it's good to acknowledge the realities of grief, but, "A year?  Grief doesn't magically disappear in a year.  And what if someone doesn't want to literally wear their grief in public?  After a year, widows and widowers are supposed to do what exactly?  Go back to the way they were so that everyone else can get back to their own lives and pretend things are normal again?"  I was really irked, even though I knew her intention was good.

The bottom line is that I am an adult who will decide for myself how I will grieve.  Actually, half the time, I don't even feel like I am deciding because the pain and anguish of my grief seems to have a mind of its own.  So when someone asks about "good days and bad days," I generally respond that I have times that are better than others, but there are no truly good days for me yet and I don't know if or when there will be.  I really wish people would think more before they speak.  I'd rather have a simple, "I'm so sorry." than an insensitive platitude or be told how to think or feel.

[foreverhis]

On 3/11/2020 at 10:18 PM, jwahlquist said:

I hope that it starts hurting less someday for both of us.  I can’t imagine living this way for years on end.

Oh, my dear, you and your daughter are at the very beginning of a long and painful journey.  I know how stark and perhaps hopeless that sounds, but I don't mean it to be.  I mean to say that time does make a difference.

I am 20 months into my own journey and understand feeling as if the intense, heart shattering, raw emotional and physical pain will never change.  I will not say "I know how you feel" because I only know how I felt and feel.  My first several months were hell on earth.  I could not imagine ever truly smiling or laughing again.  I did not believe things could possibly be better.  And if I did start to have happier moments and times wouldn't that mean that I was dishonoring my soul mate and his memory?

Slowly, so slowly, I am starting to be able to live with my grief as a part, rather than all, of me.  My overwhelming pain and sorrow are softening and are not as all encompassing as the first year or so.  I miss my husband every minute of every day, but that no longer occupies my every thought and action.  I have moments, hours even, when I am able to smile and laugh.  I able to talk about my love without constantly breaking down. Our memories and stories are starting to be comforting, instead of agonizing.  Losing him will always hurt deeply and there will never be a day that I do not wish with every breath that he was here with me still.  But it has gotten easier to bear, things have gotten better.  I now realize that allowing those bits of light and hope into my life does not dishonor my love or our life together.  I know I will never be happy in the way I was, but I think someday I will be able to say I am happier than I am now. 

Time doesn't exactly heal because it can't heal this loss, but it does make the pain less intense and it does allow light to creep back in.  For now, all you can do is what you are doing.  Take each day at a time, be there for your daughter as she is there for you, take whatever medications you need to put one foot in the front of the other, do not look too far down the road, and come here often.

[jwahlquist]

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I generally respond that I have times that are better than others, but there are no truly good days for me yet and I don't know if or when there will be.

I am tired of people asking how I am doing.  Honestly, I don’t think they really want to hear that I am miserable.  So I just respond with “Alive”.   I can’t say OK because I am not.   I can’t even imagine when I will just be OK again.     
 

[KayC]

Grief does not go away, but it does evolve in time...I have learned to coexist with my grief.  I can smile at my grandchildren and puppy...all while missing my George.  Grief is never far from me, it's there...in coexistence.

[Left behind]

I just wish we had a chance to have children first, so there would always be a piece of him with me. We were going to start trying this year. Everything we had planned for our future was gone in a heartbeat. I guess I was just too happy with him and forgot how cruel and unforgiving life could be. I remember now, and will never forget again.

[Missy1]

13 minutes ago, Left behind said:

Everything we had planned for our future was gone in a heartbeat.

That is the profound piece of this nightmare that hurts the most, no future, no hope for life with this person we loved so deeply and were lucky to have been united with. Dreams are gone only pain remains and being stuck in this ridiculous world without the love of out lives, alone till we die.

[jwahlquist]

3 hours ago, Left behind said:

 

I just wish we had a chance to have children first, so there would always be a piece of him with me. We were going to start trying this year. Everything we had planned for our future was gone in a heartbeat.

 

The fact that I have our daughter is definitely something I am grateful for.   I hate that “our future” will never happen but instead it will be “my future”.   It seems so lonely.  I wish I could change things but since I can’t I try to keep going for my daughter.  

[foreverhis]

On 3/14/2020 at 8:04 PM, jwahlquist said:

 So I just respond with “Alive”.

That is actually one of my "rote" responses.  "How are you?" "Well, I'm alive, so I guess that's something."  I never say okay or fine, not even in the situations where it's merely a social ritual, because I'm not fine and things are not okay.  You're right that most people don't want to hear how we really are.  At first, I said okay or fine, but I realized that it was making me feel worse and it's not my job to make other people feel comfortable around me.

I could not agree more about being tired of and frustrated by people asking "How are you?" when they don't even care.  If it's someone close, ask them to stop.  My SIL noted that the people close to me really do want to know.  I explained that, while I know that, it doesn't matter because I hear it so often from people who don't that I have a knee jerk "Shut up. You don't really want to know." reaction inside.  I asked her to come up with some other way to ask and to use different words.  I'm not sure she completely understood, but I believe she will try.

If it's a social gesture, then I suggest you come up with a selection of responses that get across the point that they shouldn't ask if they don't really want to know.  Here is a link to Nora McInerny's first TED Talk where she addresses that subject specifically:

 

 

[jwahlquist]

Thank you so much for sharing that.   I watched the whole thing.   

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

Thank you so much for sharing that.   I watched the whole thing.   

I hope it helps to hear from someone who is young like you are.  I was 60 when my husband died, so in a completely different phase of life.  Of course, so much of our experiences are universal, but the challenges you are facing and will face are different from mine.

Here's a link to her other TED Talk about "moving forward" vs "moving on."  This hits home no matter where we are in life.  I've watched it several times over the past few months.

 

[chincube]

On 3/17/2020 at 12:52 AM, foreverhis said:

That is actually one of my "rote" responses.  "How are you?" "Well, I'm alive, so I guess that's something."  I never say okay or fine, not even in the situations where it's merely a social ritual, because I'm not fine and things are not okay.  You're right that most people don't want to hear how we really are.  At first, I said okay or fine, but I realized that it was making me feel worse and it's not my job to make other people feel comfortable around me.

I could not agree more about being tired of and frustrated by people asking "How are you?" when they don't even care.  If it's someone close, ask them to stop.  My SIL noted that the people close to me really do want to know.  I explained that, while I know that, it doesn't matter because I hear it so often from people who don't that I have a knee jerk "Shut up. You don't really want to know." reaction inside.  I asked her to come up with some other way to ask and to use different words.  I'm not sure she completely understood, but I believe she will try.

Some months back I would usually answer "I'm fine/okay", just so that people get what they want to hear, because they don't really want to hear the reality. Recent months I found that I've become bitter that I answer more often "I don't know, do you really want to know?"

Personally I think a good alternative if someone close who actually want to know, would be "what have you been up to/what are you doing lately?". I can answer whatever small things I have been doing, because 99% of the time I have been just concentrating on doing very little small thing one at a time as it's all I can do. This way I can tell people what I've been working to accomplish, and the time when people ask me that question, I have choice to answer about my feelings according to whether I want to talk about feelings at that time. Because sometimes I just don't want to discuss, and sometimes all I want is to have a relatively nicer day.

[jwahlquist]

Thanks for sharing that video too.   My in-laws are obsessed with moving on and always talk about my husband in past tense.   I feel as if they think I am crazy because I use present tense 99% of the time.  I can’t “move on” but I have been moving forward because I have to.  

[foreverhis]

11 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

I feel as if they think I am crazy because I use present tense 99% of the time.

I felt that way too, so her TED Talk really helped me in that regard.  Perhaps I am fortunate that no one close to me thinks it's weird that I do that (or if they do, they keep it so hidden that I can't sense it).  I still slip back and forth from present to past tense and when she said something like, "I say 'Aaron is' because he still is.  He is so present for me," my mind and heart kind of said "Ding-ding-ding!  Yes that's it!"  I suspect I will always feel my husband's presence. 

One thing I noticed recently is that I say "I" and "me" and "mine" more than I did a year ago.  At first it was always "we" and "us" and "our" and then I'd catch myself and correct it, usually with a tear threatening (and often falling).  I still slip back and forth that way too. 

If we took a poll here, I'd bet that 100% of us would answer, "I do/did those things."

11 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

My in-laws are obsessed with moving on and always talk about my husband in past tense.

That's probably what makes them feel most comfortable or they may be trying to push you to get back to "normal" because seeing your pain makes their own grief more uncomfortable.  But it's also a completely different loss and grief from yours.  They lost a loved son, but you lost your soul mate, your everything.

If their obsession with moving on includes trying to force you to do that too or to agree with them, then you may have to be firm in telling them that you are grieving losing the love of your life, the father of your child, your future together, and all your hopes and dreams.  It may be that you'll need to be blunt that you simply can't be around them right now if they persist, especially because it will affect your daughter as well.  Even if they aren't telling her directly to "move on" from losing her father, she will no doubt sense their feelings and/or your reactions.  She will hear their words distancing themselves from her father, their son, and wonder why or maybe even think that's what she is "supposed" to do.  It's supremely inappropriate to insist that you and your daughter pretend things are fine and that you've left your husband and her father behind.  Be forthright and tell them that they must stop trying to push you that way. 

IIRC, it was your MIL who accused you of "pouting"?  That is so cruel and so wrong.  Obviously I don't know anything about them, but is that typical behavior from her?  Does she often say selfish or hurtful things?  It angers me that she is treating you as if you are a child "pouting" over losing a toy or something.  You are grieving for your soul mate and if that doesn't fit within her current mindset, then being around her may be harmful to both you and your daughter, at least for now.  While it's never appropriate to "punish" grandparents by threatening to not let them see their grandchildren, this is not that.  It is self protection and preservation of your sanity.  Right now, it really is "all about you" and your daughter's well being, what's best for the two of you, and what will allow you to get out of bed each day, breathe in and out, and put one foot in front of the other.  No one else matters, not even your husband's parents.

[Rhonda R]

29 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

"pouting"? 

Someone actually referred to grief as pouting?  That is one of the most hurtful, most ridiculous things I have ever heard in my life! 

[KayC]

I agree, "pouting" is an inappropriate comment related to grief!  I'd be protective of my time with them for a while.

[jwahlquist]

Yes, my MIL referred to my grief as pouting.  I did let my FIL know how much it hurt me and he brushed it off as my MIL not “being good with words”.   It just wasn’t worth the argument with him about it further.  It hurts a lot that they don’t get it.   I even said it wasn’t the same for them and he basically said their grief isn’t any less and you can’t really compare the grief of one person to another.   He is not the type to ever admit he is wrong so there isn’t any use.  
 

I guess I am at the point now that I just try not to talk to them about anything that matters to me emotionally or at all even.   They don’t understand how I feel.   I really want to yell at them and tell them it may be easy for them to “move on”.   But for me it isn’t.  Nearly every minute of every day I think of him and every where I look I see reminders of him.   I miss everything about our life together.  He has always been my everything, my connection to people and the world, my courage and strength.  Living without him is hard.  So much harder than they could ever imagine.  

[FrankKale]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve lost my fiancé a month ago on February 25th. Being isolated for COVID-19 isn’t even helping. Stock at different airports and having flights being cancelled. Locked in quarantine then the worst to come is being back home where all memories are shared. All isn’t easy and yes there wasn’t one death only. My heart has joined death so part of my soul.
I do smile, and giggle. I do feel better. But only instant and it goes immediately away after the moment is passed. Sadness cover most of my day. The rest is being numb and aphasic.
It’s hard to take a deep breath. It’s hard to eat. To sleep. To go to work and focus. To talk or answer the phone. To give courtesy to family or acquaintance. It’s hard to imagine what life will be tomorrow. Especially when you are/were so dependent on your soulmate. It’s hard to fear from the unknown and what tomorrow brings to you. It’s hard to trust again. Knowing that my soulmate died while being intimate to someone else.
Forgiveness is given. Because true love is unconditional.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[KayC]

@FrankKale  Welcome to our site...I am so sorry you're going through this too.  I could relate to the things you said, esp. about momentary happiness.  It's not as before.  You are early in this grief journey, it's a process that has a beginning but not an ending, but it does evolve.  The intensity will lessen but always we love and miss them.

I wrote this article of the things I'd found helpful in the early years of my journey, hoping something will help you today, something else the further in you get.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.