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Losing my father


Pam H.

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Back in June 2019 my father was diagnosed with dementia. Originally he went into the hospital for pneumonia. From there we dealt with heart and kidney failure. The dementia became more advanced throughout the summer. Towards the end of the summer we learned he had Sundowner's Syndrome. He started becoming very violent towards people and even came close to burning down my parents' home. My mom who has cancer could no longer take care of him so we made the difficult decision to admit him into a home where he could get the care he needed in November. In the beginning of January he stopped eating and his body slowly broke down. We lost dad on January 23rd. My mom, husband, and I were in the room and witnessed his last breath being taken. Not only has this caused a huge hole in our hearts, but also some issues between some of my siblings, etc. For almost my entire life my father has been very clear that he did not want some big deal made of his passing. He did not want any kind of services nor did he want an obituary in the paper. He was the kind of person that would walk around saying, "If they need to know, they'll find out. I don't need it broadcasted to the world." Since his passing I have not been able to sleep more than an hour or two before waking up and I am not able to fall back asleep. It is now day 9 since he passed and I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I still have not fully processed losing him as I have been busy trying to make sure my mom is doing okay-she seems extremely lost without him. I have cried a couple times, but I haven't had that full breakdown yet. Seven years ago this coming March I had lost a brother to Pancreatic Cancer. To this day I still wear a pendant with his thumbprint around my neck and think of him all the time. Whenever I am sad, I hold the pendant in my hand. I wouldn't say I have gotten over his loss, but I have learned to live with it. I am scared that this will not be the case with losing my dad. I feel that the lack of sleep, on top of not getting the closure that most seek out when they lose a loved one, is preventing me from fully processing the loss of my dad. I have tried taking melatonin, but am not willing to take any other forms of sleeping pills. I do not want to become dependent on them. I am willing to try just about anything else though to get a little sleep. Any suggestions?

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Dear Pam,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss. Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. It is hard with siblings during this sad and difficult time. 

Grief is overwhelming and it takes a toll on the body. Lack of sleep is very common. I found this website with some suggestions:

 

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/17-tips-to-sleep-better#section17

 

I know its hard when the mind is racing and dealing with so much sorrow.  I hope some of these suggestions will be helpful.

 

Thinking of you and your family. Take care.

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