Crying and confused

[Tommydee]

On September 18, 2019 I came home drone work around 11p.m. Usually I go into the bedroom, change, and get into bed bing careful not to disturb my wife sleeping. But earlier in the day she stated she still hadn’t felt good. This was now the 3rd day in a row. So that night I made sure be quiet coming in the house. I sat on the couch and played a game on my phone. I feel asleep in my work clothes and even my work shoes. Fast forward to around 5:51am . My step daughter yelling to me that she can’t wake up her mom. I rush to the bedroom where I see my wife Nikki and immediately tell my daughter to call 911. I performed CPR , but I knew she was gone. Paramedics asked me to leave the room and they immediately came out and said I’m sorry she had been gone too long. So on September 19 I lost my best friend and my soulmate. It was crushing to my soul. Almost 19 weeks later, it still is. After 2 months I accepted that she was gone. I started to move forward with my life. I was doing better and I wasn’t crying nearly as much. But this month my crying and emptiness has returned furiously. I don’t know if I will ever truly feel whole again.

She was only 39 and I’m 41. I know I have a lot of life left in me but it feels like I never will be okay again.


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[Dazed&Confused]

I am so so sorry for your loss. You and your step daughter are in my prayers.

[Tommydee]

I am so so sorry for your loss. You and your step daughter are in my prayers.

Thank you!


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[KayC]

@Tommydee  I am so sorry that yet another person has to experience this.  George and I met in our mid-forties, only knew each other 6 1/2 years, married just 3 years 8 months...he died five days after his 51st birthday!  That was 14 1/2 years ago.  Grief can do a number on us, dredging up feelings we thought we'd already dealt with...the truth is, it's never truly over, although it doesn't stay the same either...we can be hit with a trigger when we least expect it but eventually we grow more accustomed to this different life that is ours now.  Through it all, I've never stopped missing or loving him...and never will.

I wrote this article at about ten years out, of the things I'd found helpful, I hope something in it will be helpful to you either now or later.  Although our journeys are as unique as our relationships were, there are also enough commonalities that it helps to be here with others who "get it."

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Rhonda R]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  For me, feeling anything like myself took time, a lot of time.  I will never be the same person I was before my husband, his love and loss changed me forever.  I too have periods where I feel like I am doing okay and a wave will hit.  They used to hit harder and stay longer in earlier days.  As time has gone on, they are less frequent and don't last as long but still knock me off my feet.  I still love my husband and miss him every day.  I was 50 when my husband passed away.  He was a second marriage for me and we were together 8 years but friends for 20+ years.  I had to make sure I didn't look out into the future at first.  The future was all Randy and what was I going to do now?  So overwhelming.  I had to concentrate on that day.  What was I doing that day.  I still don't think long term and don't plan more than a couple months out. 

Grief is so different for everyone.  I found the one thing that helped me was staying busy.  I worked two jobs right up to last week.  I've taken a small break because I am exhausted.  During this break, I have found that I need to stay busy.  Grief generally doesn't go in stages.  You are most likely going to have periods where you are doing better and where you are doing worse.  You aren't going backward, this is all a part of the grief journey. 

[Tommydee]

[mention=414520]Tommydee[/mention]  I am so sorry that yet another person has to experience this.  George and I met in our mid-forties, only knew each other 6 1/2 years, married just 3 years 8 months...he died five days after his 51st birthday!  That was 14 1/2 years ago.  Grief can do a number on us, dredging up feelings we thought we'd already dealt with...the truth is, it's never truly over, although it doesn't stay the same either...we can be hit with a trigger when we least expect it but eventually we grow more accustomed to this different life that is ours now.  Through it all, I've never stopped missing or loving him...and never will.
I wrote this article at about ten years out, of the things I'd found helpful, I hope something in it will be helpful to you either now or later.  Although our journeys are as unique as our relationships were, there are also enough commonalities that it helps to be here with others who "get it."

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.
 

Thank you!


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[Tommydee]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  For me, feeling anything like myself took time, a lot of time.  I will never be the same person I was before my husband, his love and loss changed me forever.  I too have periods where I feel like I am doing okay and a wave will hit.  They used to hit harder and stay longer in earlier days.  As time has gone on, they are less frequent and don't last as long but still knock me off my feet.  I still love my husband and miss him every day.  I was 50 when my husband passed away.  He was a second marriage for me and we were together 8 years but friends for 20+ years.  I had to make sure I didn't look out into the future at first.  The future was all Randy and what was I going to do now?  So overwhelming.  I had to concentrate on that day.  What was I doing that day.  I still don't think long term and don't plan more than a couple months out. 
Grief is so different for everyone.  I found the one thing that helped me was staying busy.  I worked two jobs right up to last week.  I've taken a small break because I am exhausted.  During this break, I have found that I need to stay busy.  Grief generally doesn't go in stages.  You are most likely going to have periods where you are doing better and where you are doing worse.  You aren't going backward, this is all a part of the grief journey. 

I was doing good , so I thought, and then I hear a song or think of a memory And all the emotions flood my body. It’s gut wrenching!


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[MODArtemis2019]

On 1/27/2020 at 1:59 AM, Tommydee said:

But this month my crying and emptiness has returned furiously.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. 

Since my husband passed eight months ago, I've experienced a lot of unpredictable emotional upheaval. Times of feeling "ok," followed by feeling like I'm falling down a deep hole. It's confusing and wrenching, but I just keep doing what I have to do each day. The emptiness is the worst. 

On 1/27/2020 at 1:59 AM, Tommydee said:

but it feels like I never will be okay again.

I know what you mean. Hugs. 

[Rhonda R]

8 hours ago, Tommydee said:

I was doing good , so I thought, and then I hear a song or think of a memory And all the emotions flood my body. It’s gut wrenching!

Some memories and experiences are always going to be painful but I haven't met anyone who's been down this road that doesn't say it has changed over time.  As for getting back to you, there will be a new you.  For me, I always carry this sadness with me every day but I'm more empathetic now.  I'm a better friend than I was before.  I know what is important in life.  I'm not saying in anyway that Randy's death has been a blessing, I would still love to be living in oblivious bliss, with the man I love, I would by lying if I said otherwise.  I'll never be the old me, hopefully out of this tragedy, I will be a better person. 

[MODArtemis2019]

My therapist often reminds me that I suffered a trauma witnessing my husband's death. (I think most of us here were traumatised by our spouse's death). It helps me a little to think about this truth. It was the worst night, the worst moment, the worst worst worst worst thing ever in my life. It was a trauma of the soul, not the body. But it requires certain things for healing, like a physical trauma would. I don't pretend to know what "healing" looks like or exactly how to go about it, but I know it takes time. And talking with people who understand the grief feels like a healing thing to do. 

[KayC]

The memories mostly bring me a smile now but I still can't bear to listen to our songs.  We had such a love story, so in love, such a perfect fit, and it's been a lifetime since he died and I'm all alone.  The songs remind me of how rich I was and how alone I am now, it's just too painful to go there.

[Dazed&Confused]

15 hours ago, Artemis2019 said:

My therapist often reminds me that I suffered a trauma witnessing my husband's death. (I think most of us here were traumatised by our spouse's death). It helps me a little to think about this truth. It was the worst night, the worst moment, the worst worst worst worst thing ever in my life. It was a trauma of the soul, not the body. But it requires certain things for healing, like a physical trauma would. I don't pretend to know what "healing" looks like or exactly how to go about it, but I know it takes time. And talking with people who understand the grief feels like a healing thing to do. 

I am so glad that you brought this up. It's a nightmare movie that plays over and over and over in my head. So terrible. WHY couldn't she have died peacefully in her sleep?

[MODArtemis2019]

I know the feeling, DC,. I struggle with the images and memories every day. But I am a little better at pushing the bad stuff away now. Sometimes I just say aloud, "Rob would not want you to torture yourself."  And it's true. He would feel terrible if he knew how much I torture myself over what happened. And probably the same for your spouse. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Artemis2019 said:

I struggle with the images and memories every day.

I know, the images have haunted me but it's gotten a little better over the years.