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Three Years Out


TAM1

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This coming Friday, January 31st, will be three years since Len's passing.  An amazing and demanding time of change in every way where not one part of one's life is left untouched. I'm scheduled for left hip replacement on February 4th and am preparing for this and will take 5-6 weeks off to rest and recover. I was transferred to the main office last week and was not prepared for how that place has changed in six years, and comments such as the following, and others, I won't miss, "Hey Grandma! Your'e walking like an old lady with that cane.  Oh, yea, you ARE a  grandma!"  I honestly have not had any real time "off" in the last three years so this will give me a chance to sort through and do extra life recovery.  I asked that the surgery date be advanced and it was as the physical pain is extreme and walking is difficult. I've sensed Len lately, though Missy is ever-present. 

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Tam,

I can't imagine going through something so big as that...alone.  My prayers will be with you as you recover.  I pray it will be a time of healing inside and out as you're off work.

I'm sorry you heard such a comment, no one should talk so disrespectfully.

I'm glad you feel your Missy always with you and have sensed Len also.  I pray it brings you some comfort.

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@TAM1  Gosh, and here I've been freaking out over having to have my 10 year colonoscopy alone.  The not-eating-food for 2 days; the, um, prep; the grogginess and then getting the results; the aftermath.  I know friends will be happy to drive me and bring me home.  They'll bring me food and stay with me, but it's not the same at all.  No one and nothing can fill the gaping hole in my life, but then we all already know that.  I've put off and may never have an ear surgery follow up I've needed for 4 years because I don't have my love to take care of me for 2 weeks afterward.  At first we postponed because it's not life threatening and his cancer was critical.  Now I just don't have it in me to care enough to figure it out. 

And yet here you are being incredibly brave.  You're facing major surgery and have made the experience something to look at in a positive light.  You're using the recovery time to help you feel better physically and emotionally.  I'm kind of in awe of that.  You will keep us updated, won't you?  I can't help but think that your physical recovery will only be part of it, so reach out day or night because you know everyone here understands and will be worried about you.  Of course we will be sending you prayers and good thoughts always. 

I don't know your co-workers, so I can't guess their overall behavior or motivations.  But I wonder if they know that those kind of comments can constitute a hostile workplace under EEOC regulations and laws.  The thoughtlessness and petty meanness of some people simply astonishes me.  I learned the value of kindness and consideration a very long time ago, even before I met my husband.  The thing is that, while he could be stubborn and strong willed, he was the kindest person I've ever known.  I put in his obituary that one of the things he will always be remembered for is his generous heart.  I don't think I told him that nearly often enough.

Please take care of yourself both physically and emotionally.  I'll be sending you comforting hugs this Friday and next week.

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@foreverhis  I just went through that...going through the prep alone all while being pestered by a stalker, NOT fun!  My friend went with me, wasn't sure I could drive home but we even stopped to get something to eat on the way home.  I was so appreciative of her being there, it took all day since we're quite a ways from the city/doctors.  Wishing you well as you go through this, I have to go every five years and it's all too soon for my liking!  And it's nothing like facing major surgery.

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I broke my hip in a car accident in 2002.  After my surgery, I was laid up for 10 weeks.  Prepare yourself to be frustrated.  We soon forget that going to the bathroom or getting a drink of water takes much more time than it used to.  I was home alone most of the time as well.  My ex-husband worked and coached basketball so he was never there.  Remind yourself again and again to be patient with yourself, this won't last forever but at times it's going to feel like it. I look back now and it's a blip in my life.  I wish you much success on your road to recovery. 

My co-workers and I would talk that way to each other jokingly but we have been officed together since 1996.  Not much is off limits with each other.  We also work in an environment where you need to learn to laugh at the uncomfortable.  If I was in serious pain, they would probably be a little more supportive than that. 

Three years?  I'm at 20 months and it just hit me the other day that I haven't held him in 20 months.  I didn't think I could live one week without him and now here I am at 20 months.  I don't know how I got here, much of it is a fog.  I think around 18 months out, I accepted his death and things changed after that.  I still miss him and wish he was with me but I have given up trying to turn back the clock and change the circumstances, because I know I can't.  I'm interested to hear how you are handling things three years out. 

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16 hours ago, KayC said:

Wishing you well as you go through this, I have to go every five years and it's all too soon for my liking!  And it's nothing like facing major surgery.

Thanks, Kay.  I know it will be fine.  How horrid to have to deal with that and a stalker at the same time.  My husband had to have his every 5 years too because of family history.  Ick. 

I have to admit yesterday started me thinking, "Girl, you are a weenie.  Tam is going through major surgery and you're whining and worried about your colonoscopy?"  I had three major and two minor surgeries while my husband and I were together.  He was a trooper taking care of me, even though I could hear him sigh at times when I was being a bit of a bad patient.  One was corrective surgery on both feet.  I was in a wheelchair for 6 weeks and then restricted for another 6 weeks out of work.  He built a ramp into the house, moved furniture, helped me with all the necessities, and even built a cool platform for the bathtub so he could help me in and place my heels into these little foot rests.   One day, about 9 weeks into recovery, I had pretty bad cabin fever and was less than nice about it.  Bless him, he decided to take the day off, make a picnic, bundle me and my walker into the car, and go for a day trip to a camping/day area a couple of hours away from home.  He helped me walk around for a while, we sat out in nature, had lunch, talked, walked a little more, and then he drove us home.  I wish I had thanked him just a little bit more for always being there, even when I was somewhat bitchy about whatever medical issues I was facing.  I wish I'd kept those times in mind a bit more when he had his own bad days fighting his cancer.  I know that I was a good wife and caretaker, but there were times I was so exhausted, so afraid, and so emotionally wild that I kind of lost it.  Still, I would have taken care of him forever if it meant he could be with me.  I know he knew that.

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1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

Tam is going through major surgery and you're whining and worried about your colonoscopy?"

Nothing is minor to us now because we no longer have the support of our spouse going through everything with us.  Yes, TAM is going through something so much more, but that also doesn't lessen your going through what you are.  It's all hard.  TAM is an inspiration to us though, for sure!

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Today was my first day home from work and I'm really thankful that my doctor wrote the note for this as the nurse told me, "We don't normally do this. Most people work up until the day before surgery."  Well, I'm NOT most people!  I don't believe any of us are! The hardest thing about being transferred back to the Ventura office was that it was sudden, because someone had left.  So the work and attorney I had gained back last Spring was assigned to someone else again with no experience and I was moved back. No one had prepared my new work area that was far back in a corner that it was full of trash and old files, and once again I was assigned to an area of legal work I do not know as the previous secretaries dumped what they had been working on on my desk and the demands began.  The restroom was far away on the other side of the building so walking with a cane and being uncomfortable was difficult, much less getting up to leave to go to lunch. It just hurt too much physically, and then emotionally, to hobble along the hallway. The original plan was for me to stay in the Westlake Village office, go out for surgery, and return. The original plan was to be out three weeks on the 100 hours of sick leave they give, but my doctor added in his note that my return date is March 9th. What I lack in sick pay will be covered by vacation time, of which I have a quite a lot. Some of the secretaries were angry that I am taking so much time off so being away from that is positive. 

I've had so many people tell me, "Just call or text me if you need any help!"  I did that today because I needed some medication picked up.  I needed to bring some groceries and laundry up from the car. And I would never think of asking someone to take the kitchen trash up the five flights of stairs because it's not a glorious errand.  After hours of not hearing from anyone, I went down to my car and carried the things up the stairs, got my mail, and put everything away. And tomorrow I'll pick up the prescription and a few other items that I realized I need - like apples and other fresh fruit. I'll figure out a lot tomorrow and the days ahead. I'd prepared for this time, taking time off work, having surgery, being alone. And that is exactly what I'm doing now - sticking to the plan.

This will be another part of this journey of loss but with a significant time to consider life and do some needed healing. Perhaps it's that most of the healing has been a solitary process. 

And, yes, I cried today and am now. 

 

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13 hours ago, TAM1 said:

"Just call or text me if you need any help!" 

This is one of the hardest parts of being on your own.  It takes a lot to ask for the help and then when you finally do, no response. 

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TAM, I am so sorry no one responded to your plea for help.  I know what it takes to reach out for help, but then to not get it...beyond reprehensible.  I've been there.  I didn't realize you had all the stairs to deal with, that makes it so much harder for you, I'm so sorry.  We will be praying for you as you make your way through this.  And I hope your friends are more on the ball after your surgery than they were just now.  Some people don't take it seriously before surgery.  Do you live in a city where they deliver groceries and Rxs?

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People have their own lives, agendas and "busy-ness." I'm going to drive to the Vons at the beach today because it's an easy store to get to and shop and get a few simple things done and that's it. So long as I get to the hospital and get home, I'm good.  My neighbor down the way offered to have me stay in her guest room - it's on  my mind. 

 

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I woke up from a dream this morning where Len and I were attending a St. Patrick's Day party (which we did many times as it was a big day!). We had come in separate cars. In this dream I asked others where he was and would be told, "He's out back with the men."  Our purses were put in safe-keeping but at the end of the party mine was gone. Everyone looked everywhere but it could not be found. I asked about Len and was told he went to another party down the way so I went there but did not find him but some time later as I was standing and wondering what to do, he showed up with another woman on his arm. Len had lost two marriages due to his infidelities and even in his 70s, The last few years of his life I found he was meeting women in hotels on what he called "road trips" to visit "friends and family."  When I told him I knew because the hotel called our home phone to tell him "Cynthia is running late," he was shocked.  During this dream, I lost sight of him at one point and went looking for him and would see him walking at various places, then realized he had gone home.  I was then left alone with no purse, no phone, wandering around. 

After waking up I felt unsettled and the thought came to me that I'm OK, that I'm not lost and wandering. Three years out I'm in a much better place in many ways, just need to continue to heal my mind, soul, body and emotions. 

 

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20 hours ago, TAM1 said:

My neighbor down the way offered to have me stay in her guest room - it's on  my mind. 

I hope you take her up on it!  At least until the first part is over and you know what you're dealing with.  I remember after I had my gallbladder out, coming home with no one to look in on me, couldn't eat the foods I'd prepared ahead of time because they gave me different instructions upon leaving, no one to fix or go get food for me, and couldn't bend down or stretch so I literally went to bed hungry.  The one meal someone brought in was on my "can't eat" list but I was so hungry I ate it anyway.  The worst part was not knowing if I could get back up from the couch or toilet when I sat down.  I brought the phone with me.  And having to build fires, a neighbor had said he would, but didn't.  My son and his wife came after a week but it was more work having company and having to clean house, cook, etc.  My daughter brought me Christmas dinner, it was two days after my surgery.  If I had someone to help i'd take them up on it at least for a while.

19 hours ago, TAM1 said:

The last few years of his life I found he was meeting women in hotels on what he called "road trips" to visit "friends and family."

I am so sorry.  Sometimes stuff like this, the "unfinished business" is very hard to grapple with after they die.  We are left alone to try to reconcile things.  You are right in that you are not lost and wandering.  You are a capable person and you're going to be okay.  Yes you'll continue to have the emotional pain of grief as we all do but it softens in time as we do our grief work and begin our healing.  (((hugs)))

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I'm 7 days post total hip replacement today. I was sent home from the hospital with inadequate pain medications and ran out yesterday.  My doctor pushed through an authorization last week stating that the medications were a medical necessity and insurance finally covered the medication - otherwise they would only pay to "allow" 7 pills at at a time or I could pay for the entire prescription myself (which I was willing to do). I have a call into my doctor, along with a message on their patient site and and will call in the morning. 

Coming home from the hospital the pain level was a new experience for me. The wound is still mending and swollen which is expected. I joked a few months ago about being given a stick and told to "bite down on this" as part of pain management. No joke here!  And there is no "management" being done here. 

I got a little "down" yesterday morning and I guess this is to be expected - but not the physical pain. There is no reason for this and there still is a medical necessity. I'm not saving the "extra" pills to sell on the streets and becoming an addict isn't one of my life's goals. 

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I'm thankful for the help of family since getting home from the hospital. One thing about this is that people actually "see" my personal space and part of the comments are about what I don't have. I don't have a new TV and it's not big - it's the one Len and I had so it's probably 5-7 years old. My 13-year-old nephew did not understand and said, "I wonder why my grandpa didn't make a new TV stand appear like he does sometimes. If that was my TV I'd kick it and yell at it." But he's 13, so I understand. I still use a folding bookcase I bought at Pier 1 about 5-7 years ago. I have not bought a bed and since moving here six months back, I've been slow buying stuff. My place is orderly and clean, though. I could run out and buy all of the stuff on the "easy" credit offered by the various furniture companies and others. But I just can't.  I have a new computer still in the box but due to physical limitations pre and post-surgery, I decided to put this up when I'm able to do so. So, to family who were in my place this week, it's a mystery to them and my sister even mentioned a friend has a bed she wants to give away. I reinforced the couch cushions with a 5-inch layer to bolster it post-surgery for need and comfort. I bought an apartment sized refrigerator upon moving in here since the place did not provide one - I own this. 

My balcony has some nice bird feeders, a watering station for them, plants and a few chairs. I can even walk out there with my walker during recovery. I've had one friend up to visit and she was entranced by everything and she is one of those who others say "has it all." 

And honestly, after I'm healed and have fewer folks checking on me, I'll continue on buying pieces as I have done. I did sense the deficiencies others saw in what I don't have and refuse to give into being embarrassed though this business has bothered me some and I began to wish those who do come in would stop "looking".  And such things are part of family conversations about "Aunt Teresa." It feels rude, like staring at an oddity or something we don't normally see, and that I was taught not to do decades ago. 

It's good to come here no matter the hour and "talk."  Thank you to everyone.

 

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Teresa,

I can relate to your having people in your home, it's been years since my family has been.  I have a 32" t.v. my son got me years ago and I'd never go into debt for something I didn't need.  I commend you for that!  I'm one that reads Dave Ramsey's column and read his book years ago.  People are well ahead to handle their finances as you are...this is an "instant" world where no one can seem to wait/save for anything!

I'm sorry you are going through so much pain.  It seems the pendulum has swung the other way with pain medication.  Instead people suffer needlessly.  As if it's not hard enough being laid up while healing!  I hate that they dole out the pain medication as they do, my sister went through it, only getting 5 pills at a time and it caused her to vomit so she wasn't holding any of her medications down!  That was a horrible time in her life and it lasted for a long time.  I hope you have something you can at least tolerate.  Keep on them, they should be more reasonable.  :(

 

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All of this twists the heart and mind in various directions and it would be so easy to become angry and embittered. Situations like this require a sort of personal "triage" - so I showered this morning, made coffee, found another physical therapist for next Wednesday morning who is not part of my orthopedists's practice and is responsive. If they can't be responsive to the medical necessities then I won't permit them to handle anything else. Pushing back helps to balance things. 

This morning I broke out in shingles - stress does that. My neighbor Alana picked up the antivirals for me and I began taking these.  She is also going to bring her mini-schnauzer Beverly over later to be a presence on the balcony as an aggressive cat has been there for the Bird & Buffet in the mornings. 

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10 hours ago, TAM1 said:

I got a little "down" yesterday morning and I guess this is to be expected - but not the physical pain. There is no reason for this and there still is a medical necessity. I'm not saving the "extra" pills to sell on the streets and becoming an addict isn't one of my life's goals. 

Hi Teresa.  Damn it, just damn it!  I'm sorry but I had to swear for you.  I'm glad your family is helping you and I'm glad you have an accessible balcony because fresh air is so important for our mental state (IMO).  But that you are having so much trouble getting the pain relief you need is, well, pissing me off on your behalf.  It's not just the incision and inflammation around your hip and the surrounding area.  It's bone pain, which is the absolute worst.  When I had surgery on my feet, I could not imagine pain worse than that--worse and weeks longer than childbirth.

Society in general has no freaking clue about pain management.  All people hear is that if you need or take any sort of narcotic/opioid, you are a drug addict.  My husband and I both had long-term medical conditions that waxed and waned with mild to severe pain.  We had to educate so many about the difference between "addicted" and "dependent."  When you take opioids because you are in pain, the chemicals go to work and (hopefully) help reduce the pain.  I just love it when people say, "You shouldn't need to take this."  They're right, I'd rather not need to take it and I'd much rather not be in pain without it.  They're not doctors and they aren't me, but they're happy to be judgmental with absolutely no knowledge.

It's a proven medical fact that being in severe pain increases healing time and affects our mental state.  I am sorry that you've had so much trouble getting what you need.  It sounds like maybe your doctor understands, though I could wish he'd written you a bigger prescription from the start.  There is no excuse for insurance company employees to decide they know more than your actual doctor.  You are 1 week post-surgery and the insurance company thinks you should be out of pain?  I bet they'd change their tune in an instant if it was them recovering from major bone surgery.

 

10 hours ago, TAM1 said:

One thing about this is that people actually "see" my personal space and part of the comments are about what I don't have. I don't have a new TV and it's not big - it's the one Len and I had so it's probably 5-7 years old. My 13-year-old nephew did not understand and said, "I wonder why my grandpa didn't make a new TV stand appear like he does sometimes. If that was my TV I'd kick it and yell at it." But he's 13, so I understand.

Honestly, I don't understand a 13 year old thinking something should magically appear or telling you that he'd kick and yell at a TV that wasn't good enough for his preferences.  I know that's tough age, but he's old enough to know that we don't get everything we want every minute that we want it.  A working TV that's only 5-7 years old is hardly "old," but then again we're in an age where everything is seen as disposable and easily replaced.  My husband had a 12" TV when we married.  I had an ancient 19" inch.  Eventually, we bought a 32" LCD together.  We bought a 55" LED HDTV about 6 years ago, in part because our eyes were older and in part to save energy.  There are all kinds of things I need to either sell or give away, and there are many things I need to buy, but both emotionally and physically, I just haven't been able to yet.

How disrespectful for your family to be commenting on the physical possessions you don't have.  Do they not understand that the "possession" you are missing is your love Len and that physical "things" aren't much in comparison?  Don't they realize that you've had challenges far worse than whether your TV is old or that you don't have a new bed?  Still, at least they are there helping with your immediate needs and that is certainly a good thing.

 

10 hours ago, TAM1 said:

My place is orderly and clean, though.

Our home is smallish and older, but the view is worth it.  When we moved in, we knew there would be big stuff down the road, but it didn't "need" anything at the time. We did or had done many things over the years.  Now there are projects that shouldn't wait much longer.  The small open kitchen is horrible in so many ways I can't even describe it.  The best I can say now, after 23 years, is that the range and oven are gas (my one non-negotiable) and it basically functions, though with no dishwasher.  We are in desperate need of new flooring and upstairs shades.  The list goes on.  Many people, including family, say I "should" do this or that expensive option.  I remind them that I'm on an even tighter budget than we were before, that I have other priorities, and that, as my husband and I always made sure, everything is clean, tidy, and maintained as best as possible.

 

10 hours ago, TAM1 said:

  And such things are part of family conversations about "Aunt Teresa." It feels rude, like staring at an oddity or something we don't normally see, and that I was taught not to do decades ago. 

It is rude!  Your family might want to consider focusing more on your physical and emotional needs and less on what you do or don't have.  It kind of sounds like they feel your "deficiencies" somehow reflect on them, make them look at you as abnormal, or make them uncomfortable.  Much like our grief unsettles others, your lack of possessions unsettles them somehow.  Maybe it's because they see it as another area where they want you to get back to "normal" without realizing that the normal you had will never come back.

 

I'm sending you warm, comforting hugs and my very best thoughts that you get the pain relief you need as you continue recovering.

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39 minutes ago, TAM1 said:

This morning I broke out in shingles - stress does that

Oh no!  I take it this isn't your first shingles rodeo?  I've had them four times myself, so I think it's safe to say that I really do know how you feel with them.  I'm glad you got on the antivirals right away.  They've helped me a couple of times. 

Yep, stress really does make everything so much worse.  Severe pain is stressful.  Argh!

I'm sorry you have one more thing to add to your recovery.

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The doctor’s office called and the written prescription is ready for pickup at their office until 5:00 today. The laws do not allow them to fax the prescription. Had to step back a bit - I need someone to pick this up, take this to the pharmacy to be filled. Once again insurance will only release 7 pills at a time. I can request the doctor to submit a medical necessity authorization or just bypass and pay for the bottle of 40 tablets at $56.  I begun contacting available people. 

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20 hours ago, TAM1 said:

Pushing back helps to balance things.

I'm proud of you.  I'm a fighter too, was born a preemie so I think that's when it began.  My sisters all wonder how I get the results I do...I fight for what's right.  You don't always get there with some though, but I set boundaries and stick to them.  I'm so sorry you got the shingles!  As if you don't have enough to deal with, stress requires you deal with more yet?!

Your neighbor sounds nice.  I hope her dog staves off the predator cat.

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

There is no excuse for insurance company employees to decide they know more than your actual doctor.

I fight this with my insurance all the time.  They want to "go over my medicines with me."  I tell them I went over them with my doctor already, do they have a medical degree?  No of course not.  End of discussion then.  I always refer them back to the doctor.  But they put pressure on the doctors.  My doctor said I didn't need my Diabetic test strips.  I told her I do and proceeded to give her a detailed reason why I do.  She prescribed one a day, not enough, especially since some of them are defective, but better than nothing.  I have ins., they're supposed to cover it, why should I have to pay for another thing out of pocket when I don't have to?  I know it's just the stupid ins. putting pressure on her.  They have too much power.

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I remind them that I'm on an even tighter budget than we were before, that I have other priorities, and that, as my husband and I always made sure, everything is clean, tidy, and maintained as best as possible.

Exactly.  People forget that I lost my maintenance man when George died.  I also lost half our income.  I lost the person I would make decisions with.  It's all on me now.  They have no clue how hard it is to always be on your own, pay for everything, make every blasted decision and I have to "make due" with what I have.  This instant gratification society that always demands more isn't helping!

Teresa, I do not understand how treatment for shingles should be doled out!  I'm so sorry.  Can you pay for the bottle and get reimbursed by insurance?  God they life difficult!

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Late yesterday my neighbor went to the Ortho office to pick up the envelope that had the prescription, when she got to the pharmacy it did not have the prescription. I called the Ortho and was told she had picked up the wrong envelope. I document everything and caught a lie and confronted this. I’ll write letters to my doctor about this at another time. 

My sister texted me and was able to get the prescription and will be here shortly, with OJ and coffee. This will be a sleeping day. 

This sort of business strikes at a person’s basic trust in doctors and those who decades were looked up to for their basic integrity and competence. 

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Boy! Do I feel puny! This “warrior” needs to regroup. This is my time to heal - not just physically, but also emotionally from the last few years. To gain my bearings - whatever they are. I’m thankful to and for the many of you who have followed me along. The distances mean nothing,

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KayC - I'm a fighter also and have had the same questioning you have had.  Without that questioning, things would not get done nor made right.  I felt like a wreck yesterday and even my sister said, "I had no idea what was going on."  So I'm putting all that behind me, deleting the many texts, writing out 2020 Goals & Accomplishments which includes physical therapy and post-op next week. 

In this time, I'm learning to accept help and as my son has said, "Accept help.  Don't be proud!"  Others have said, "You are such a strong person - don't try to do this alone." "You are the strongest woman I know."  So today, just now, I feel OK about friends and family bringing groceries, medications, coffee, food, picking up mail, checking in to see how I am, sitting outside and visiting.. It's a new feeling, because I've pushed through for so long and I am done. I don't need to do a "Sherman's March" through life to be ok.  I know there are others who care for and love me. 

So, if you are praying for me, prayers are answered. I've seen some mighty works.

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2 hours ago, TAM1 said:

The distances mean nothing,

Isn't that amazing?  When I first came here I was doubtful that people so far away could help me.  But then I realized that distance doesn't matter.  What matters is having people we can talk to who truly understand, who "get it" in ways no one else can, and who never, ever judge me for how I'm feeling, thinking, or acting.

I'm glad we can be here for you now.  I really hope the antivirals knock back the shingles so it's not one of those really bad flare ups.  And I'm glad your sister is able to get those pain pills to you.  Seriously, the insurance company will only approve seven at a time?  What a crock.  It's so important to break pain cycles because every time you have to start over, it affects your health and recovery.  Once again, I say "damn it" on your behalf.

Kay is right, the insurance and pharma companies have far too much power.  Imagine telling someone with diabetes, "Oh, you don't need to check your blood sugar."  What, we'll just wait and see if you go into a diabetic coma or hypoglycemic shock?  So we go out and spend money on items that should be covered by insurance or we pay absurd prices that other countries don't.  One of my long-time generic topicals went from $18 co-pay to $45 co-pay to its current $170 co-pay over less than 3 years.  Funny, but my income didn't go up 1000% during that time.  That doctors are knuckling under and making medical decisions based on insurance company policies made by non-doctors makes me so angry.  I'm lucky that our doctor is still a bit old fashioned about patient care, even though I know he's overworked.

Teresa, I hope you get the pain relief you need so you can rest, regroup, and regain your strength.  It's clear to me that you are strong underneath it all or you wouldn't have made it this far.  Right now is a good time for you to focus on you and the heck with everyone else.

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6 minutes ago, TAM1 said:

  I know there are others who care for and love me. 

That is wonderful.  I'm so glad you are receiving and accepting help.  It's still a difficult thing for me to do.  I think I'd better put it on my 2020 "to do" list:  Let the people who care about me in a little more and ask for help, instead of muddling through.

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Thank you for saying those "Damns" for me - those count!  

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One of my Diabetic Rxs went from $0 copay to $74 this year!  No excuse for a medicine that's been around a long time.  I thought Trump was going to do something about high priced Rxs!  Haven't seen it yet, or is it campaign rhetoric?  A lot of politicians made that promise, ha!

I ws prescribed something once and couldn't get it because it went up 5,000% that week!  They got a piece of my mind but of course nothing was done.  I don't see how it benefits them even when no once can afford to buy it.

One of the medicines for Shingles is Acyclovir and I get large bottles of it, so I don't get that at all.  When I worked for a doctor, we took care of people.  Things sure have changed...the way he predicted they would.

You are making productive work of your time, God bless you!

 

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2 hours ago, TAM1 said:

Thank you for saying those "Damns" for me - those count!  

Happy to do it.  I'm at home, so I have no  problem letting loose with a few curse words.  My husband was very understanding of that.  Neither of us believe in swearing in public or swearing at people.  Neither of us like swearing for the sake of swearing or using things like the f-bomb in lieu of real dialogue or conversation.  But we're both of the mind that certain words said at home (and of course, never to each other) are acceptable. 

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

One of my Diabetic Rxs went from $0 copay to $74 this year!  No excuse for a medicine that's been around a long time.  I thought Trump was going to do something about high priced Rxs!  Haven't seen it yet, or is it campaign rhetoric? 

I feel for you.  It's the same thing with a number of my common, been around forever, actually help generic medications.  (Don't want to get too political, but Trump lies.  Not that other politicians don't, but he out-lies everyone.)

I was supposed to get the set of two shingles vaccines.  The CDC, WHO, and Medicare all say they, along with flu and pneumonia vaccines, are medically necessary for our age group.  Medicare covers 100% (not even with the usual 20% co-pay) for flu and pneumonia under Part B medical.  But shingles is listed as a "specialty medication" under Part D prescriptions.  Part D insurers can charge whatever they want for it or not cover it at all.  My insurer's co-pay is $300 per for a total of $600.  I could pay it, though I'd have to cut something else, but I said no because it's the principle of the thing.  Tell me it's medically necessary, but charge me an arm and a leg?  No thank you. For now, I will take my chances that I don't have a fifth shingles flare up.

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I've had numerous shingles flares - haven't had the vaccine because of lack of availability here. Always triggered by stress and what's new about that?  One would think our bodies would adapt at some point. Politicians say whatever is convenient for their own use and need and I've never understood the passion to stand around holding a sign whooping, hollering and chanting their praises. Especially not for free! 

As I heal I'm going to get away from the large amounts of Ibuprofen I have been taking and stick to Turmeric. Ibuprofen damages cartilage, I just learned. And I'd like to learn to cook for myself - Len did all the cooking before and I did the dishes. So during this time off this is one of the things I will do. I don't even own a pan!  Though I do have a can-opener. 

 

 

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14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

(Don't want to get too political, but Trump lies.  Not that other politicians don't, but he out-lies everyone.)

:P  No offense to Trump fans, don't want to get political here, but it's part of his strategy...if you say something often enough (doesn't matter if it's true or not), a certain percentage of people will believe you.  He was right about that.  Apparently a high percentage.  I think it has to do with people hearing what they want to hear...they have to have hope to hang onto.  I'm a realist however...

I was told if I'd gotten my Shingrix shots in my doctor's office, they would have been free.  However, supply was in extreme shortage and I had to travel quite a distance to a pharmacy to get them, $37 each.  What difference does it make if it's at a doctor's office or pharmacy, it's the same shot!  It's their way of not having to pay out as much. I thought Shingrix shots didn't work if you already have shingles.  I wouldn't want that for anything.  They were the worst shots I've ever gotten (reactions afterwards) but I'd take that over shingles any day.  I'm so sorry you're suffering with this.

13 hours ago, TAM1 said:

Politicians say whatever is convenient for their own use

I think you're right there!

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

I thought Shingrix shots didn't work if you already have shingles.

They don't stop an active shingles flare up, but they can help prevent future outbreaks.  For a long time, the thinking was that if you got shingles once, then you were immune.  That's completely false.  If you have chicken pox, you are immune from getting it again, but the virus that causes it lives in our nervous systems for the rest of our lives.  It lies dormant until something (often extreme stress) causes it to activate while we are weakened. 

It's one reason the chicken pox vaccine is so important.  Not only can there be complications with chicken pox itself, there's the risk of shingles forever.  Shingles are nasty and pose a risk of infection and scarring.  Post-herpetic pain can be severe enough that people have to take opioids the rest of their lives.  Some, especially older sufferers, have committed suicide because of the unrelenting nerve damage and pain.  I have mild nerve damage on my back from my first flare up and am thankful that I didn't suffer any after-effects from my third and worst attack, which was on my forehead and into my left eye.  The doctors were afraid I was going to lose the vision in that eye.  I even have a couple of pictures my husband took that I keep in my medical file at home. 

Anyway, I know I need the vaccine, but I just can't pay $600 for it.  I'll check with my doctor's office about in-office vaccines, but I don't think they do them because he had to write a prescription to the pharmacy.  But I won't know for sure until I ask.

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Shingles and post-herpetic neuralgia I know and have had multiple times.  My sister told me yesterday the pharmacy had run out so will check with Walgreens where her husband got his recently. Most physicians keep the vaccine in or will get it in. I do not understand why your cost is $600, so am hoping you can find a source and get that covered. I won't say "I wish I was there to help" though I do wish - sometimes we need a point-person. I tend to get overly aggressive so remind myself to dial it back. 

Good news, I just spoke with Eva at the orthopedist's office s and she answered all of my questions about recovery, treatment and expectations. Just a super competent and kind person. She will also take care of my pain medication needs so that I don't run out. So, I have an excellent point-person at this time and won't be worried as I have been. It was important for me to dial myself back and not go in like a barracuda ready to strike. 

A bumble bee flew into my living room a bit ago and I panicked, jumped up and realized running was not going to happen. So he's trapped and have asked (sent out a message) so someone can come and catch-and-release. I love bees of all kinds but I'm a wimp!

 

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8 hours ago, TAM1 said:

Good news, I just spoke with Eva at the orthopedist's office s and she answered all of my questions about recovery, treatment and expectations. Just a super competent and kind person. She will also take care of my pain medication needs so that I don't run out. So, I have an excellent point-person at this time and won't be worried as I have been.

What great news!  Teresa, I'm so relieved for you.  Maybe God (or the universe or some higher power out there) heard our prayers for you and answered them.  This should help your recovery because you won't have to be so stressed or in so much pain.

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21 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I don't think they do them because he had to write a prescription to the pharmacy.

That's interesting because here we don't have to have a Rx for it.  I would think medicare requirements would be the same everywhere but maybe it depends on if you have regular Medicare or one of the advantage programs, in my case it's Healthnet.  I don't understand why it matters if it's administered by the doctor's office or the pharmacy but it's a different part of Medicare that covers it in that event, Part D.  I don't see how it can cost a $300 copay!  I don't think the shot cost that much even to insurance!  It's highway robbery.

20 hours ago, TAM1 said:

I tend to get overly aggressive so remind myself to dial it back.

Haha, I had to laugh at that, you must be like me!  :D

 

20 hours ago, TAM1 said:

Good news, I just spoke with Eva at the orthopedist's office s and she answered all of my questions about recovery, treatment and expectations. Just a super competent and kind person. She will also take care of my pain medication needs so that I don't run out. So, I have an excellent point-person at this time and won't be worried as I have been. It was important for me to dial myself back and not go in like a barracuda ready to strike. 

I'm so glad to hear this news!  Yay!  Sometimes it's so important to have someone looking out for us, I felt that way when I had melanoma and my health insurance was giving me grief about pre-authorizations and the doctor out of the country, his officer assured me it'd be covered and I finally just had to trust them (hard for me to do) and they were right, everything my insurance had told me was wrong.

I had nine bumblebees and a yellow jacket in my house last summer (different times but one after another).  I had no choice but to kill them as I couldn't get anyone to help and I am extremely allergic to them.  I finally found where they'd been getting in and hired someone to come out and seal it up.  I got havoc from someone at church about how it's illegal to kill the bumblebees but when I told him to come get it and take it to HIS house he got quiet.  It's deadly for me.  I feel bad for the bumblebees, (not so much for the yellowjacket, they're very aggressive and mean and thousands of them around here) but the best thing I could do is locate how they were getting in.  I didn't get much sleep that week!   

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Please no politics, this is a place for sharing and comfort.  I can get enough politics reading the news.

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Perhaps I spoke to soon about things smoothing out with the orthopedist and the pain medications issue.  I called their office this morning to ensure a written prescription would be ready today or early tomorrow for pickup and was told. Following is part of the detailed memo I've written today (will also includes a spreadsheet accounting for each tablet and date and time taken or proposed time.) 

"For the prescription prescribed 2/10/2020 and picked up 2/11/2020, as of today I have 18 tablets remaining which will run out 2/14/2020. I’m told the prescription will be written up late tomorrow for pickup sometime between 2:00 PM– 5:00 PM, before the office closes for the weekend.   I spoke with Eva this morning and was told if I am unable to pick the prescription  tomorrow, it can be picked up Monday, 2/17/2020.  So I’m facing an estimated 2 ½ days of not having pain medication.  I honestly thought after speaking with Eva on 2/12/2020 that things would be much easier and less difficult.

It’s the gaps and insufficient medication that are so devastating physically and emotionally and I’m realizing this is all part of the recovery process now.  I did not understand nor expect the incredible physical pain that began to ramp up last Sunday and I will never forget that.  It’s not just about getting through surgery, being home and recuperating, going to follow up appointments and physical therapy, ensuring there are people to help out – there is this problem.  And I do understand the issues relating to the “opioid epidemic” and how it limits the medical profession.  

I’m on medical leave and I honestly did not think I’d be writing this memorandum and working up a detailed spreadsheet. 

Respectfully,"

Dang!!!!

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18 hours ago, SBA said:

Please no politics, this is a place for sharing and comfort.  I can get enough politics reading the news.

Okay.

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Teresa,

I am so sorry they're making it difficult, that's what I ran into with my sister.  She experienced so much pain they put her on suicide watch!  It took her a full year for recovery.  They should have and could have done more to help her and in a more timely way.  I hope you get your Rx today!

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Good morning Kay,

I will have what I need today. And eventually when I am completely recovered I have a formal letter ready to be mailed to the doctor outlining this experience. Best to send when this is over and under confidential cover. It also has a detailed spreadsheet of this particular medication history - not that I wanted to prepare and maintain such a thing.  I was completely ignorant of what to expect so perhaps writing will help. No phone, email or rants on the orthopedic office's website. Not emailed or faxed for office staff to see. And I will get through this period of recovery - just another passage. 

I'm blessed to have this time off as there was not much after Len's passing and with so much to handle and adjust to over the last three years. I'm actually having time to think about myself, my life, expectations, so much more and this is the time to do that. The changes and stress of grieving, as you and others know, require so much of our lives. It changes us permanently and we hope positively. It's truly like crossing into a different country.  

And here, we accept each other as we are.  We do not correct each other and if there is any "correcting" or admonition to do, say as to group guidelines, I'm glad to have Administrators to do this and clarify, to relieve those grieving of unnecessary responsibility. 

 

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On 2/12/2020 at 12:22 PM, TAM1 said:

I do not understand why your cost is $600, so am hoping you can find a source and get that covered. I won't say "I wish I was there to help" though I do wish - sometimes we need a point-person. I tend to get overly aggressive so remind myself to dial it back. 

The injections are supposedly covered under my Part D insurer, but as a Tier 4 specialty medication.  The co-pay on that tier is high.  On the two lowest (generic) tiers, I don't even have to pay the deductible, but on the higher tiers 3 through 5, I do.  So first I have to pay 100% of the deductible and then the rest would be on the Tier 4 co-pay schedule.  That means my insurer covers about 2% of the total cost.

Part D insurers are basically free to set their co-pays wherever they want. Though they must cover certain classes of medications, they can also choose which specific ones and they can force us to try X, Y, and Z cheaper meds (called "step therapy") even if our physicians want us to take something else. 

For example, my husband had non-diabetic peripheral neuropathy caused by mild abdominal radiation therapy for his prostate cancer 18 years ago.  It started 2-3 years later.  His insurers said that because it wasn't caused by diabetes, they didn't have to cover it.  Seriously.  Because he also had a pain condition resulting from a bicycling accident 30 years ago, our doctor was able to push through approval for the generic treatment.  The side effects were horrible.  In order to get any pain relief at all, he had to take such a high dose that he was sleeping 20 hours a day.  Sure, he was out of pain then--he was freaking asleep!  He said he'd rather be in agony than sleep the rest of his life away.  It broke my heart to see him in pain, frustrated, and defeated like that.  (Little did we know then that we'd face an even worse situation 12 years later.)

It took us and our doctor 8 months to get approval (pre-authorization) for him to try the then new brand name drug.  That one helped enough to let him function somewhat, once he got the dosage right.  Then, of course, both the co-pay and the total cost went up 300% over 5 years, all while the pharma company got patent extensions.  It finally went generic this year, 4 years later than it should have.  It was infuriating to have to choose between paying for prescriptions and having enough money to do things like visit our daughter or family, especially knowing that the same drug costs so much less in other countries.

Back to shingles and me.  I've been checking sites like GoodRx and finally found a discounted price of about $160 per injection this month.  I'll keep checking and may pounce if it gets to $100 per.  It's still a lot for a vaccine that the CDC, the WHO, and Medicare all say I must have, but it's doable at that cost.  I'm no less angry though.

We all must band together to make fair and reasonable medical costs a priority, including dental, vision, and hearing.  I wonder when we decided those three areas of medical care are somehow separate from the rest.  As if our teeth, eyes, and ears aren't part of our bodies.

Teresa,

I spoke too soon and just read your recent posts.  I'm sorry you are still having problems getting the help you need, but am relieved that you will be getting your pain medication today.  Very smart of you to keep track of your experience, even though it's really an added burden, because it might help someone down the line.

I'm sending you prayers and hugs.

 

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21 hours ago, SBA said:

Please no politics, this is a place for sharing and comfort.  I can get enough politics reading the news.

Okay, I'll try not to, but surely you realize that getting appropriate medical care is partly related to politics?  It effects most of us here.  But I will edit my previous post so as not to offend, though I do not guarantee that the issue of unaffordable medical care won't also involve why so many of us can't afford it.

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Although I do have insurance my co-pay for this surgery is $7600, so as I walked through various medical offices for appointments or registered at the hospital, I paid. This has taken preparation and acceptance of how things have changed - getting my mind around this. Len had Medicare and I'm so very thankful he did as that last month in the hospital was paid for by this and there was nothing owing.  Friends have told me, "You will be really happy when you finally get Medicare!"  Never in my life have I heard such glee about turning 65, but then, I guess more money in one's pocket is reason for such. 

To me, this is another "bump." 

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That is a huge copay, I'm so sorry.  One thing Medicare does is writes off a lot.  But Rxs, etc. can sure add up too.  My asthma inhaler costs over $3,600/year and I'm only allotted $3850 so that leaves $250 for all the rest of my Rxs combined after which I must pay 51% of Rxs, I can't afford that.  I have to pick and choose, as so many in this country do.  People shouldn't have to make such choices, it's fine if you're rich but most of us aren't.  And I worked hard all my life, starting when I was very young.

Teresa, did you get your Rx today?

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I have to pick and choose, as so many in this country do.  People shouldn't have to make such choices, it's fine if you're rich but most of us aren't.  And I worked hard all my life, starting when I was very young.

Ditto.  I spent and spend entirely too much time calculating the total cost of each medication against my Medicare benefit amount.  Most years I kept us out of the coverage gap (donut hole), but not always.  We've done without medications, taken half doses, taken things less often, etc. like so many others.  At least now Medicare covers a percentage of brand name medications in the gap.  Of course, a $1000 prescription still isn't affordable at $500, but it's better than nothing.

Like many of us, I have too many resources to receive additional benefits for low income-low asset programs.  I'd literally have to have nothing left to my name in order to do that.  But I don't have enough money to spend $12,000 per year on medical, dental, vision, and hearing. At one point, the premiums for Part B, Part D, my Advantage plan, and his Plan F supplement were $6,000 per year.  And that's just the premiums for medical and prescriptions.  It's no surprise that so many people suffer ill health, declare bankruptcy, or, in some cases, just die because we, as a country, do not consider affordable health care and a healthy population to be particularly important.  Medicare is a good program, but it's deficient in a number of ways too. I think we'd save millions to billions if it covered some basic preventive dental, vision, and hearing care, rather than only covering the expensive treatments resulting from lack of preventive measures.

Teresa,

All I can say is "Oh my!" about your co-pay.  Yikes.  I know the final result will be worth it because your life will improve overall, but gosh that's a real financial hit.

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foreverhis, I'm in the same boat.  Make too much to qualify for any help but not enough to cover the demands.  43 year old mobile home w/o a foundation, have a mortgage on it (long story) 12 more years to pay...I'm 67 and wonder how much longer I can keep shoveling snow, hauling firewood, picking up limbs.  I try not to think about it too much, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  No public transportation here.  No kids nearby, but they're busy with their lives anyway.  I keep trying to pretend I'm 40 and keep going, but I know there'll come a day my body will major rebel.  I hope to pay my place off early when I'm 75 but can't if major things keep happening that take all my resources (5 roofs in as many years...another long story, new 40' ramp, repairs to patio and front porch, new wood stove, now the gutters!).  It never ends, does it?!  And I won't even get into medical...Teresa has enough of that for a while.  (I'm hoping so much you got your Rx to get you through the weekend!)

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For myself, it’s best when detailing with disappointment to motivate myself to make the changes needed to turn things around. For some reason my medical doctor and that community could not pull it things together. There was no promised phone call the prescription had been updated before the long weekend began. The thing to do was to begin pulling myself together and adjust over-the-counter meds for my needs, switch to use of the cane only, and begin managing things myself. My first post-op exam is this coming Tuesday, first physical therapy is Wednesday, as I cobble together a recovery plan. I’ve found how important it is to be strong and as self-reliant as possible, though it’s been so very good to have help and support post-surgery from family close-by. I’m ever cautious of assumed “safety nets” to avoid falling through tears and holes, and I’ve always assumed safety nets are for use at circuses – not for everyday living. In the meantime I’ll also put things in order at my place and personally, as I’ve tended not to spend money to bring in certain creature comforts, and then assemble them without excessive anxiety and swearing. 

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You are wise...the only problem with safety nets are they not materialize or may be withdrawn when least expected.  It's hard to count on people, too many things can factor in.  I'm sorry you're having to do w/o the pain Rx so soon though.  They should at least teach how to manage pain before putting you in that position.  Our medical care and ins. are both falling down on their jobs, imho.

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5 hours ago, TAM1 said:

There was no promised phone call the prescription had been updated before the long weekend began.

Hi Teresa.  I'm about to go have tea and cookies with a friend, but before I leave the house, I simply must:  Damn it! 

Actually, words worse than that spring to mind, but they're not words I would ever say in public or post on our forums.

I'm so sorry that you continue to have problems that are bound to increase the time it takes you to heal and that highlight how crappy our health care system is for everyone except the wealthy.  As an example, I love Alex Trebek.  We've been Jeopardy fans forever.  I wish him the best in his treatments and hopeful at least partial recovery from pancreatic cancer.  Still, I can't help but think about my mom, who died from it.  She didn't have the option of the very newest, most cutting edge technology and treatment.  She had a really good oncologist, but we're in a rural area with no specialty hospitals, etc.  It's not as if she could afford to move to be treated at Mt. Sinai or Sloan-Kettering or Cancer Treatment Centers.  And the American Cancer Society was literally useless for her and for my husband.  They have absolutely no help for us here.  The best they could "offer" was recommendations for places to stay if we had to go to an urban area for additional care.  Every time I see an ad asking me to donate, I have to refrain from yelling at the TV.

I'll be thinking about you and hoping you can muddle through the weekend without too much grief.  ((hugs))

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