Husband passed two years ago

[LeannC45]

I wasn't sure if I would write anything today. I haven't been on this site for quite some time. Last Thursday was the two year anniversary of my husband passing away from the flu. It has been such a long and twisting path that has proven to be so difficult. At this time in my life I have learned that moving forward in a healthy way means bringing along everything I loved about my husband. He was such a happy go lucky type of man. He would greet everyone with a smile & a big bear hug. He cared about all of his friendships and family. He was a protector to all that he loved and a mediator that brought people together. As a stepdad he taught my son that it was okay to be hugged by a man. My son's own dad would rather punch him in the shoulder then give him a hug. He always called my son "his son". He would walk in the door and say "Where is my son at". LOL....He showed up in a room openhearted and loving. I am more of a standoffish person that has to figure people out first. My husband was the opposite, he was very accepting of others. My husband showed me what truly being loved by a man meant. Our relationship wasn't perfect but his love for me was. I don't think I understood just how deeply I was loved until after I lost him. I feel like I took his love for granted in a way. So moving forward to honor my husband, I have vowed NEVER to take love for granted again. I want to love my friends and family as hard as I can. I want to tell them as often as I can. What a miracle to have found someone that I got to be with for 18 years. When I focus on what I gained it is hard not to feel grateful. Of course there are days that all I can see is what was lost but I try not to sit in that place for too long because that pain also keeps me from the light that I received. I will miss my husband for the rest of my life. It will never be okay that he was taken away too soon. But I am GRATEFUL that I experienced the family we created and the love we shared. To all that are new to this arduous journey I wish you peace, love and support. You will find a way to live and someday thrive but it takes time. They say grief is the price you pay for loving someone. I agree. 

[ModKatB]

18 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

My husband showed me what truly being loved by a man meant. Our relationship wasn't perfect but his love for me was. I don't think I understood just how deeply I was loved until after I lost him. I feel like I took his love for granted in a way. So moving forward to honor my husband, I have vowed NEVER to take love for granted again. I want to love my friends and family as hard as I can. I want to tell them as often as I can. What a miracle to have found someone that I got to be with for 18 years. When I focus on what I gained it is hard not to feel grateful. Of course there are days that all I can see is what was lost but I try not to sit in that place for too long because that pain also keeps me from the light that I received. I will miss my husband for the rest of my life. It will never be okay that he was taken away too soon. But I am GRATEFUL that I experienced the family we created and the love we shared. To all that are new to this arduous journey I wish you peace, love and support. You will find a way to live and someday thrive but it takes time. They say grief is the price you pay for loving someone. I agree. 

Very beautifully written and it shows so much love. I too will soon be at the two year mark and while it has not been easy it has definitely gotten better. One day the memories that bring you pain and tears, will be the ones that bring you joy and happiness as you remember your LOVE.

[LeannC45]

Thank you, and that is exactly it. I came to an understanding that as I move through life I can hang onto the love we shared. It is imperative that I do because he was such a huge part of my life. In the beginning my thought process was all that I lost and all that will never be but then somehow it shifted into what I gained and what I can embrace & hold onto to shape the rest of my days. That is how it becomes bearable, that is what will guide me and give me warmth. It is with this new understanding that I find solace and strength that I NEVER thought I would find.

[Dazed&Confused]

This post was very beautiful and wonderfully written. This really caught my eye.

On 1/16/2020 at 6:41 PM, LeannC45 said:

 Our relationship wasn't perfect but his love for me was. I don't think I understood just how deeply I was loved until after I lost him. I feel like I took his love for granted in a way. So moving forward to honor my husband,

I am in exactly the same place and the eulogy I wrote for my wife says this, although in not exactly the same.

 

[MODArtemis2019]

On 1/17/2020 at 1:58 PM, LeannC45 said:

In the beginning my thought process was all that I lost and all that will never be but then somehow it shifted into what I gained and what I can embrace & hold onto to shape the rest of my days. That is how it becomes bearable, that is what will guide me and give me warmth. It is with this new understanding that I find solace and strength that I NEVER thought I would find.

Thank you for sharing this because it still eludes me. It's good to know it can be achieved. 

[Mulelady]

On 1/17/2020 at 1:58 PM, LeannC45 said:

In the beginning my thought process was all that I lost and all that will never be but then somehow it shifted into what I gained and what I can embrace & hold onto to shape the rest of my days. That is how it becomes bearable, that is what will guide me and give me warmth. It is with this new understanding that I find solace and strength that I NEVER thought I would find.

I'm " only " at 9-1/2 months .....and struggling with the loss ......all the sadness....and all we missed out on.  I deeply hope I reach the grateful joy for what we shared and out of this deep pit I often find myself in.