Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

The only grandparent remaining


foreverhis

Recommended Posts

  • Members

Hi everyone.  I need to vent a little and then ask for advice.

I think I have mentioned that our granddaughter's other grandma had major health issues, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and advanced vascular dementia, and has been in an institution for months.  The other grandma is alone and our daughter has taken (or rather had thrust upon her) responsibility for nearly everything.  You would think that other family would pitch in, but nope.   

So now our wonderful daughter, a single mother with more than enough on her plate (in part, thanks to her daughter's father bailing on them), has one more thing to handle and our granddaughter is going to have yet another major loss at the tender age of 11.

Of course I've been spending hours on the phone with our daughter, letting her vent, talk things through, and cry.  I've given her support and comfort and advice.  I have done online research, sent her links to resources, and have even made phone calls on her behalf.  That's what I can do from 1000 miles away.

Here's my vent:  I realize she is overwhelmed and extremely emotional, but when she tells me she's tired of being strong, that no one understands how hard it is, that she needs help, and that other family are being uncaring, and so forth, it takes every bit of willpower I have not to let my exasperation show and say, "Honey, I love you more than anything, but do you not realize who you are talking to?"  When she tells me about hospice and comfort care and what that's like, all I can think about is what her dad and I went though.  It's natural for her to focus on what's happening now, but sometimes letting her talk about it makes my grief harder and more immediate.

This may sound uncaring, but I've already been through the wringer, including being supportive to both our girls both during my husband's illness and after his death.  Days when I could barely breathe or put one foot in front of the other, I was still there for them.  I am unwilling and unable to give any more help than I am now.  A small part of me feels like a selfish...well, you know.  But the rest of me says I am not and that I have to take care of myself as I struggle with my grief every day and night.  In fact, my stress over her stress has set me back already.  I gained back 3 lb of the small bit of weight I was finally starting to lose.

Here's where I need advice:  I think our daughter will want me to fly up to Seattle and help with things later.  I have neither the funds (it's very expensive to fly from our regional airport) nor the energy/desire to set my own mental and physical health further back at this point.  How do I address this as gently and lovingly as possible?

Also, anyone have advice on how to help our granddaughter emotionally when this is all over?  Our daughter has decided to get them both into the one-on-one grief therapy offered through hospice.  I support that completely.  But I know I need to be there for them too, especially our granddaughter.  We've done our best to keep her informed on what's happening, at a level appropriate for her age.  We've also tried to keep things as normal as possible and keep her routines consistent.  Her mom and I decided we should start having a scheduled Skype time at least once a week, if not more often.  That will help because it seems she's become concerned that she doesn't "see" me often enough and thinks something is going to happen to me.  My heart breaks for her.

If anyone has experience, suggestions, or advice, I would be grateful.

Thanks for your ongoing help and support.  It means a lot to me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I don't think your daughter is excluding what you have been through, but rather sharing her sphere of how she is feeling.  She is feeling alone and overwhelmed.  And that is natural.  I think all of us have felt that even though we've had relatives/friends that have cared.  It's okay to softly remind her that you have been there, often are there, too.

It 's also just as okay to let her know you can't afford to fly there.  And that it's taking everything within you to keep afloat emotionally with all you've been dealing with.  Remind her of what you ARE able to do, coach her from the sidelines, via telephone, research, send her links, etc.  That type of caring is very helpful and supportive, I have a sister who does that for me sometimes.

We want to be there for our kids and grandchildren, but sometimes we have to first take care of ourselves.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks, Kay.  I don't think she's excluding that either, which is why I've largely just let her vent.  I think she is simply so mired in what's happening now that it's all she can see.  Next phone call, I may gently remind her of the journey her dad and I took.

You're probably right that I should simply lay out the facts if/when the time comes that she wants me to fly up.  She may not like it, but she will understand.  There's nothing more I can do beyond that right now.

I think the best thing for our granddaughter right now is to keep up with the Skype sessions so we can interact and so she can see that I'm here and okay.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Just want to let everyone know that the other grandma died today.  Our daughter called me at 5:30 this morning.  When the phone rings that early, it's never good news.  She was sobbing from both grief and relief.  It's been a roller-coaster for both our girls.  Fortunately, she's got me, my side of the family, our family-by-choice, and a good circle of friends. 

I know all too well how the next few days will be for her.  Most of you do.  That overwhelming sense of the world shifting on its axis.  Where the weight of the world is sitting on your heart, even though in the case of a long illness, the weight of that burden has been lifted.  I guess the good part for her is that this is the kind of loss where her world will be able to right itself and be largely back to "normal."

But for our granddaughter, this is another huge loss.  Coming on top of losing her second favorite person in the world, her adored and adoring "best grandpa ever" and having to have their sweet, but elderly, cuddle kitty put down 2 months ago, our 11 year old sweetheart is devastated in every way.

Her mom told me that she's taken to carrying around the very first small stuffed animal that she chose herself when she was less than 2 years old. She and her mom traveled down to us as often as possible, so her mom helped her pick a toddler size rolling carry on with a "mascot" she named Gulliver.  I confirmed for her mom that no, it's not weird for her to feel the need for the comfort and innocence that represents.  They'll start grief counseling through hospice as soon as possible and we're going to try to talk and Skype more often.

Any of you with grandchildren or younger children have suggestions about what else I can do besides that?  I sent her a package today with a pair of fantastic and fun slippers just because I thought they would cheer her up.  I am not usually at a loss for words, but feel kind of tongue-tied about what to say to her right now.  Maybe I should just let her talk and cry, just let her "be" in way similar to what I need so often?

Thanks for listening (so to speak) and for always being here for me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I am so sorry, the one thing harder than going through it ourselves is watching our children or grandchildren suffer in this way.  Your idea to send her fun slippers was a great idea, it reminders her that she still has you and that you care, although it may not lessen her pain right now, it will help.

I'm glad they're going to get grief counseling and I think your skyping will help too.

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Maybe I should just let her talk and cry, just let her "be" in way similar to what I need so often?

Yes, this is what we all need, regardless of our age. 

Here are some books for helping children understand death: https://www.amazon.com/gp/bestsellers/books/3125/ref=pd_zg_hrsr_books She may need something a little older at age 11 but you might explore finding a book appropriate for her age, check with hospice or a grief counselor for suggestions.

Here's one that looked interesting: https://www.amazon.com/Hug-Heaven-Anna-Whiston-Donaldson/dp/1684018501/ref=zg_bs_3125_36?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=86131GPJT8Q91ZS8TZ1N

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Kay,

Thanks so much for the book suggestions.  I'm going to check them out.

On a related topic, one of my friends and I were talking about what's been happening with our girls.  She mentioned a book that she bought when a relative was dying and that she now tries to keep on hand for others.  It's specifically about how to listen, respond, and be there when a loved one is in those last days or weeks.  When their minds are changing and they are trying to process the transition they will soon make.  It's by Maggie Callanan and called Final Gifts.  I checked it out and it seems really good.  I could really have used it or something like it for my husband's last several weeks.  Edit:  I need to mention that this is a newer friend, so she wouldn't have known I could have used the help.

https://www.amazon.com/Final-Gifts-Understanding-Awareness-Communications/dp/1451667256/ref=sr_1_1?crid=19HUJSUH7QCZW&keywords=final+gifts+by+maggie+callanan+and+patricia+kelley&qid=1579234461&sprefix=final+gifts%2Caps%2C249&sr=8-1

One of the things dying people tend to do is talk about traveling.  Like, "Where are my tickets?  I'm going to see my mother." or what have you.  Doctors believe this is part of their beginning to understand and trying to process that they will be traveling to the unknown.  Much like dementia patients, the right way to respond is not to deny what they are saying, not to tell them they are wrong, not to respond, "No, you're not doing that. You're in the hospital."  The right thing to do is gently encourage them to talk about their "journey" by saying things like, "I'm not sure where those tickets are, but I will look for them.  Tell me about the trip you have planned?"

It turns out I did something right, according to the therapists' recommendations.  In his last days, right before comfort care started, I now know my love had realized he wasn't going to get better.  Even as he kept responding positively when we'd talk about "the next step" in treatment, he must have known or felt something change inside because the way he talked about the future changed.  He'd ask when old friends he hadn't seen in decades (a couple of whom had died) were coming to see him or take him somewhere.  He asked where they were.  I was flummoxed at first and just said things like, "We haven't seen Joe in years."  More than once, he called his sister to tell her he needed a ride somewhere.  Bless her, she's the one who took care of their mom through dementia and is now a certified dementia caregivers support group leader.  She was wonderful.

My husband would get agitated and tell me he didn't know where his wallet was so he needed money to "get home."  "I don't have any way to get home.  How am I going to get home?" he'd ask.  I'd say, "You'll come with me, love.  I'll be taking you home."   He'd say things like, "I need money for a taxi so I can get home."  This went on for a bit more than once.  About the third time it happened, he started getting really upset that he didn't have any money.  I had been figuring that he thought I was going to abandon him.  It was really painful that he'd imagine that. But the third time, I decided the right thing to do was take money from my wallet, show it to him, and put it in his little clear zip case where we had some of his toiletries and such.  I said I'd make sure he always had money to get home.  He was incredibly relieved and calmed down.

I think knowing more about what was going through his mind as he came to grips with dying would have been enormously beneficial for both of us.  These are the things that people simply don't talk about, not in advance and not while it's happening, so we are left floundering trying to figure out what to say and do that will make things better for the person we love above all others.  I plan to buy the book so I have it on hand for myself and friends.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
11 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Much like dementia patients, the right way to respond is not to deny what they are saying, not to tell them they are wrong, not to respond, "No, you're not doing that. You're in the hospital."

Oh so correct!  My mom had dementia, stage IV, it's so important to enter into THEIR world, and not "correct" them.  You are so right on!  I never thought about it with people dying before, but they are in transition to another place so that makes sense.

11 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Bless her, she's the one who took care of their mom through dementia and is now a certified dementia caregivers support group leader. 

That is wonderful!  We need people like her!

It does sound like a very helpful book, maybe you can give us a report when you've read it?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
13 minutes ago, KayC said:

It does sound like a very helpful book, maybe you can give us a report when you've read it?

Absolutely.  I look around my life and realize that we're all getting older.  More and more, we will all need ways to deal with the things our society doesn't talk about or even acknowledge.  Because long-term terminal illnesses can strike anyone at any age, we should be prepared as much as possible.  More than others, we who have lost our soulmates understand that need.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.